The Fight - 2/12

It's a pretty terrible feeling to not want to live in your own skin.
You see ugly in your reflection,
And you don't feel right within.
You try everyday to keep the evil thoughts at bay,
But nothings working, your just not ok.
One minute you seem to be fine,
And the next your not, and its all in your mind.
A mind you seem to not be able to control,
Like a bad hand of cards, you just want to fold.
Holding you back from everything and everyone,
Sometimes you feel as if you don't even know yourself,
You don't know exactly what you need but know you need help.
There's no strength left anymore,
But you keeping fighting because somewhere deep inside you know you deserve more.
A battle your fighting within yourself is one of the hardest to win,
When its this bad you can't help but to feel it won't end until your laying in your coffin.
I now have the biggest reason to want and need to succeed in positive change and she's my daughter.
She deserves a good mother and a good father.
I made the choice to bring her into this.
It's something I seem to forget. Totally dismiss.
She deserves to be shown the beauty in life.
Not the struggles. Not the fight.
She deserves to feel the sun shinning even when clouds are overhead,
And its my job to do this, but also to protect.
That's where the lines cross for me.
Knowing how terrible this place can be,
Its hard for me to believe she'll always be safe. It really scares me.
She's so important and owns my heart.
I couldn't take it if that was torn apart.
So the anxiety....effects my capabilities.
I can't see through all the lies I tell myself and she needs me to be someone I can't until I find help.
I'm holding onto every hand I can, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing my grip,
Slipping, but not yet falling.
I still have a chance to do what's right and do everything it takes to win this fight.
I love my family, and I'm dying to be happy.
It's time for me to let go and except that I'm not in control.
It's one man and his master plan.
Living life is like, living in a classroom full of students.
There to learn.
Some make it, some don't,
It's all up to you and what you earn.
There's a good reason they say nothing in life comes free.
Life's a battle field.
It's not easy.
But I'm willing to hold onto the little faith remaining
And keep shooting for the goal at which I'm aiming.
Keeping my protective eye wear on,
Doing my best to do what's right before this short life is gone.

* Written the other night about all this change I'm going through.