Lost Souls - 3/30/12

I'm walking down this path.
Taking note of everything.
It's distracting.
My heart is the size of Texas.
Absolutely too massive.
Trying to solve every problem.
But pieces are missing.
To finish, I need them.
In constant search for something that doesn't hurt.
If I could run away.
I would run so far.
Not accessible by train, plain, boat or car.
Only sand covering the land.
Barriers created by water.
Just my Family, Friends, I, And my beautiful daughter.
Safe from what selfishness creates.
No roads blocked by gates.
Only freedom to express ourselves and live free.
Being the best people we are capable of being.
Taking everything in with smiles.
In stride. No weight inside.
Gliding. Like free birds.
No critisiam or harsh words.
Tying weights to your ankles.
Making you as heavy as can be.
So it's easier to drown you in this powerful sea.
I will never understand what makes people act like they do.
Just be decent.
Is that to much to ask of you.
Being decent means...
Extending a much needed hand.
To be Loyale. Be a Friend.
Offering your love without expectations.
To people whom you have no relation.
being a voice from God.
Making it your occupation.
Raise your children to be the same.
Stop being a bully.
Calling out names.
Teach our children what really matters.
To be nice to the ones who's clothes are tattered.
Because they are the ones who need extra love.
Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world".
Despite every sharp curve.
Love yourself because you're worth it.
Life is too short.
Love every single bit.
Little tiny pieces creating a collage.
Believe whats good is real. Enjoy it.
Its not a mirage.
Spread seeds that bloom into wild flowers.
Stop spreading what creates disasters.
Spreading wild fires.
Every single person in this world matters.
Occasionally find the strength to look directly into the sun.
Realize whats in the past is done.
There's nothing left to run from.
Stop wearing a watch to tell you the time.
Stop clawing, digging, desperately climbing.
I will be the first to tell you its a waste of valuable time.
Time for a much need change.
Taking in more then what can be managed.
But make it a mission. A challenge.
Like a love letter left behind.
When its the end of your time.
A foot print in the sand.
Something to say you were here.
You made your mark.
Even while walking in the dark.
I'm proof that there's light.
That theres a reason to fight.
Because the feeling of when you've won,
And when you realize what this fight has made you become,
Made everything in my whole life Ive been running from.
Worth it. I know exactly who I am.
I know what I'm worth and what I deserve.
I let the faith take me to a place Ive never been.
My eyes are now open.
its a new beginning.
If you're in pain.
Hear my words.
I know what your going through.
But let me tell you, Your worth it.
There is something you can do.
Take a look deep inside.
Don't be afraid.
Be brutally truthful.
And I promise.
You'll find your soul.

Dimes Taking place of your mind - 3/30/12

Like a sparkler on the fourth of July.
On fire. But with a time limit that will expire.
Trying with every ounce of strength. To hold onto every thread.
To make lasting memories.You'll never forget.
Experiences forcing you to grow as a person.
But there's no guarantee's.
Nothings for certain.
Meeting people along the way.Who either keep you on your path.
Or veer you off to stray.
Getting lost occasionally just to find yourself again.
Being re- invented.
This is not for play. Its not for pretend.
It's real. Your hearts beating. Your alive to feel.
Sometimes it hurts.
But that's what makes all this craziness work.
Because when you're brought to your knees.
Now your in an impossible potion to not be able to see.
See what you're not seeing.
Or to see what you've been missing.
Life is here for us to learn.
I honestly don't believe its all to just to die in the end.
Buried. Or resting in a yearn.
Like we didn't go through all of what we did for a reason.
Like it was just for spring. Or fall. Like it was only a season.
Soon to pass. But you can count on it coming back.
When I think of the after life. I think of a second chance.
To do what I ran out of time for. To sing and dance.
Being completely happy. Care free. Never worried.
Weightless like a feather. Floating. Being carried.
Not a wrinkle or weather.
As proof Ive the storms Ive been recovered from.
Strong enough. Smart enough.
To save my own life. Capable of surving.
Holding on for a reason unknown of.
Until today.
Because now I know where I'm going.
I'm heading home.
On the road that wont end until my time is over.
Its whats pushing me forward.
Excited for the madness to eventually stop. But in pain at the thought of,
Of who will be left behind. Until we meet again because it will be their time.
To be rewarded with wings. We can sing and dance together.
Floating like feathers. Having what we always dreamed.
Be one and live together. No race in someones face.
No flowers crippled, Dying at the root.
But still living in a beautiful vase.
No blond in someones hair. No treatment of any kind that isn't fair.
Only love for every soul. That was roaming lost, Unable to find home.
Never in need again of shelter of any kind. No give or take.
Whats mine is mine. No selfishness masking true beauty.
No locked doors. With missing keys.
Now open to whomever has the courage.
To walk through not feeling discouraged.
Afraid of the unknown. Unable to allow yourself room to grow.
Remember, God would never fail you.
He would never put you through something if it wasn't to teach you.
His mysterious ways will never be solved.
Until your standing in front of him while he's explaining his love.
Lessons to create such a beautiful child.
Or a beautifully created animal living in the wild.
It's all the same.We are all the same.
It's all a test. A Russian rulet game.
Take a gamble. Take a risk.
There's so much sitting right in front of us.
That we usually miss.
Because we think we know ourselves better. But we are wrong.
Depending on dimes to pass the time. Dimes to fill holes.
Afraid of letting go. Living with only faith.
Letting someone else be in charge.
Living simply. Instead of living large.
Spending your time here wisely.
Forget about dimes.
Don't let fear.
Be your demise.
Spread those wings you so proudly earned.
Let them span as far as you can,
And learn how to fly.

* This was inspired while driving past a retirement home and catching a glimpse of two people hugging in the car while stopped waiting to pull out.

Goodbye - 3/29/12

As I sit here and listen to rain pound on my roof.
I can't help but to think of you.
Where are you?
Are you thinking of me?
I know your not.
Because you're unable to see what i see.
unable to feel what I feel.
You're such a different kind of love.
You make me feel so alive.
Literally like I could touch the sky.
You make me feel like I'm on drugs.
Like I'm high.
Losing my mind.
And the next I'm flying.
Then you start lying.
Emotions become chaotic.
Thoughts are so rapid.
My brain hurts from all the deception.
I don't know whether to start to cry.
Or start laughing.
Constantly putting me down.
Then immediately picking me up.
Then we take a break.
Because we have had enough.
Always finding a way however back to the dysfunction.
Not realizing its just not meant to be.
It's not true.
But then why can't I seem to move on from you.
Like I'm living a scene from the adjustment bureau.
You keep your secrets buried deep enough for me not to be able to find.
I can't seem to erase the memories from my mind.
There are so many questions that will never be answered.
It infected me like a cancer.
Making me sicker by the day.
Unsafe from an unfounded cure.
You make me feel like my hair has fallen out.
Unable to look into a mirror.
How are you capable of being two different people.
Depending on who's eyes are watching.
Loving me.
Or mocking mine.
You once called your love for me "phases"
You said you should love me always.
But that just wasn't the case.
So friends we try to be.
But I love you too deeply.
So that's just not gonna work for me.
Now were at a cross roads of letting go.
The curtains been called.
Its the end of the show.
But I'm frozen.
Motionless.
Like Ive been crazy super glued.
Forever stuck to this spot.
While you live on like you've forgotten.
Somewhere inside,
You believe your own lies.
Your heart aches for something you wont allow it to have.
So it's began to slowly die.
Now your frozen.
Motionless.
Because you've become emotionless.
Not allowing yourself to feel whats real.
Not being who God made you to be.
Letting your past.
Choose your fate.
When the time came for what was right.
You passed it.
Now your too late.
Late once again because you're ignorant.
Self centered and only able to think of what profits your life.
You think this girl is going to be anything like me.
So you're trying to make her your wife.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I'm not the one who lied all along.
You try your best to lie and disguise.
But we both know how much your dying inside.
That's where I keep my faith.
I tried to save you more then once.
I was always there.
Unappreciated.
You never cared.
None of what you dished.
I deserved.
All I ever did was serve.
Serve and cater to your impossible standards.
And all in the mean while you called me the coward.
In pursuit half my life for something that turned out to be not worth it.
I don't need any of it.
I don't want it.
I know who I am.
You don't have the strength,
To pull me to the ground.
I will never again.
Allow myself to be your "friend".
Because in the end Its me who's always hurt.
Face in the dirt.
Curled up in a fetal potion.
With bruised and blacked eyes.
As you turn your back again.
With your head held high.
Forcing me to sever these ties.
I love you so much.
But enough is enough.
We tried.
We failed.
Goodbye.....

* According to you....Atleast I have pretty hair.

We Still Have A Chance - 3/27/12

Some of my greatest memories involve the ocean.
Waking up at 6 a.m.
With my dad to search for agates on the beach.
Staring out from the window with binoculars at occasional boats too far to reach.
My grandma has a beach house at Gleneden.
The locals call it " Get Eaten "
Known for it's number of sharks.
Memories here are so special.
I hold them close to my heart.
It almost took my life on my 8th birthday.
I thought it was low tide.
I was wrong.
I walked straight in.
And almost drowned.
I will never forget the tiny pebbles sliding between my toes.
I remember the salt water in my throat and in my nose.
Feeling like I was a thousands pounds.
Unable to scream. Kicking my feet,
But unable to reach the ground.
I couldn't see anyone around.
I was saved that day.
By a man and his teenage daughter.
I was literally plucked out of this massively large body of strong water.
It wasn't enough to take away my love.
It wasn't enough to instill any fear.
I could never write down all the great memories I had here.
This was the only one, I don't like to think of.
Ive spent birthdays here.
Ive spent fourth of July's here.
My dad taught me the bridge with cards here.
Teaching me while drinking his beer.
My grandma polished my precious rocks.
Proudly displaying them after the miles my dad and I would walk.
Every time I come to this irreplaceable place.
It's all so different. Changing at a rapid pace,
Like fast currents.
Except those currents are not filled with salt water and ocean life anymore.
It's nothing but plastic. Plastic galore.
Sea life is rapidly changing.
And were oblivious and refuse to do any re- arranging.
Making a better future for the children you will be forced to leave behind.
But as you drink from your water bottles your not keeping any of it mind.
Throwing away this bottle on your way out of the stadium.
Having no Idea where its going or where it came from.
6,000 children die everyday from disease.
Associated with lack of access to safe drinking water.
It seems to be nobodies business.
Nobody seems to be bothered.
Equivalent to 20 Jumbo Jets crashing everyday.
These are factual statistics and its far from ok.
Marketing plots so obvious it should make you feel like an idiot.
For buying into something so ridiculously stupid.
Over polluting our oceans by extremes.
The largest patches of trash, Living in our seas.
We couldn't even imagine the severity. Not in our wildest dreams.
Pretty soon, If we don't change what we do,
There will be no memories of sand castles, sea shells, Agates.
Because you'll be digging in nothing but plastic.
Open your eyes and allow your heart to care.
Lets play a game of truth of dare.
Either way your bound to learn.
Nothings free. Everything is earned.
Stand up and do your part.
Stop adding cases of water bottles to your grocery cart.
Paying hard earned money for something that comes out of you home faucets.
West Africans walk an average of 4-6 miles just to obtain it.
Only to have 1 out 4 die because they had no other choice but to consume this.
You can't deny, Sit here and lie, and pretend this is normal.
Because we both know its absolutely horrible.
So the next time you go to drink from plastic.
Take a second to realize what your effecting.
Appreciate the water you do have.
Do your part to save our future.
Restore humane nature.
Re-creating man kind.
To care more than only of themselves.
And to open their minds.
Appreciating, while re living priceless family memories.
Building castles, Flying kites, Listening to the changing tides.
Stop creating so much waste to scatter.
Let the sea life know we care. That they matter.
Spare time to change a life.
Care more about our enviornment because its vital that it doesn't die.
Know every single action you take has a consequence.
Wake up and realize we still have a chance.

* Stop buying bottled water.

A Love That Transpired - 3/27/12

You make me want to be more than what I am.
Peeling my eyes open.
Allowing me to see.
That dreams come true.
You create a different reality.
Shinning spot lights on things I'm blind to.
I've never met any body like you.
The amount of love that pours from your soul,
Makes me feel complete.
It makes me feel whole.
Inspiring me on a daily basis.
I'm no longer living in crisis.
No longer desperate for someone to pull my head above water.
You breathed life into my body.
You gave me a daughter.
There could never be a way to show the appreciation I feel.
I still have to constantly remind myself that this is real.
I couldn't live without your smile.
Without your laughter.
I feel like Drew Barrymore in "Ever After".
You are by far the most amazing person I have been lucky enough to find.
Funny, smart, caring, giving, and kind.
Anything I could ever ask for God rolled into one.
When I'm with you the demons disappear that I'm running from.
Time seems to stop.
No hands ticking every second on clocks.
You pave the way to roads not filled with pot holes.
Reminding me not all things in life life are terrible.
like a remedy of medication.
but only herbal.
Nothing about you makes me feel unnatural.
Everything in a whole is amazing in general.
Our daughter is a constant reminder of how much you love me.
It's something I will never allow myself not to see.
Your perfect in every single way.
And I want you to know that at the end of the day.
There is no place I'd rather be,
Then with Jocelyn, You and I.
I hope that when the day comes and I take my last breath,
That I'm lying at your side.
Looking into the eyes that saved my life.
Still wearing our symbol of love.
Because proudly I was your wife.
Our daughter as our legacy.
When we have to leave her behind.
And now it will be her time.
To find a love like what she felt from her dad.
To experience What her parents had.
Spreading the love to strangers who never had it.
Never allowing herself to forget.
The lessons she was smart enough to take.
Left with her own change to create.
All of this because of you.
You never forgot about me.
You were always so true.
Working your whole life,
To give us anything our heart desires.
A love that I had no idea existed has transpired.

* I love you Skylar :)

My World - 3/26/12

If I could create a place,
It would be full of laughter.
Because of little hurting.
There would be no secrets worth keeping.
People would be smiling.
Because on this inside, They're not dying.
No pain.
Only good to gain.
Children would be children.
Not forced to live too fast.
There would be no killing.
No weight of sadness resting on tired shoulders.
No need for military.
Because there would be no need for soldiers.
There would be no clocks.
Because time wouldn't matter.
There would be no need for cranes or ladders.
No need for buildings that are too tall.
Soaring over you making you feel so small.
Making the world you live in entirely too large.
There would be no malls with parking garages.
Filled with items you have no need for.
Celebrities and sports would be no more.
Because useless entertainment is a waste of precious time.
There would be no zoo's for people.
Because there would be no crime.
Crime is committed because of desperation of some kind.
Most likely coming from a negative place within the person.
Clearly because this world has hurt them for certain.
People would feel kind.
Instead of feeling selfish.
Dreams would be reality instead of being wishes.
Music would be spread like wild fires.
There would be no truth.
Because there would be no liars.
There would be no drugs.
Because there would be nothing to run from.
No need to escape such a horrible place.
Holes created by things we've disgust.
There would be no evil.
Because money would not be a must.
People thriving.
Rising,
Like sky scrapers.
There would be no need for hero's proudly displaying capes.
There would be no sea of city lights.
Shinny so brightly in the blackness of the night.
There would be no LRA because there would be no diamonds.
Wild flowers would come in the thousands.
You would know every face.
Because the world wouldn't be traveling at such a fast pace.
There would be no war.
There would be no sin.
This is the world, I would do anything to live in.

* Coming from such a frustrated place right now.

Disneyland 3/22/12

Some children are born to be blessed.
Others, are put to God's ultimate test.
These little boy's and girl's,
Are the one's who end up making changes in the world.
Little soldiers of their own army.
The numbers they come in,
Is not only shocking,
It's seriously alarming.
Selfish people called their "parents".
Just by one look of an outer appearance,
This fact is compltey apparent.
For the rest of their lives,
They bare scares where they cut themselves with knives.
Experiences making them reflect back on all the neglect.
Forced at too young of an age,
To be their own guide.
So now they spend everyday desperately searching,
For themselves on the inside.
Wasting half of this short life.
Spending 8 hours a day in a classroom of 30,
who never ask if you're ok,
When you're sitting there in front of them, Hurting.
Coming into class from the night before,
Where they have no clue,
You sleep with a locked bedroom door.
Keeping out the "Monsters" that infiltrate your life.
Scaring you out of your little mind.
Teachers are like second parents.
Spending almost as much time with you as family.
But most don't notice this fact,
Because they don't make enough money.
Angels sent by God to do an unbelievably hard job.
They still can't help enough little soldiers,
Beat the odds.
Pushing them through class as fast as they can.
On to the next.
Almost as natural as a reflex.
If you are a teaching reading these words,
Please hear me because I was one of these little girls.
Showing up everyday put together perfectly.
Painting you a picture,
So you couldn't see me hurting.
But what I wanted more than anything,
Was to not just have you look at me.
I was begging and pleading with my eyes.
I wanted you to actually see me.
For the helpless child I was,
Unable to spread my wings,
And fly away from this dreadful place.
Filled with cigarette smoke and Hamms beer.
Every face full of tears.
All of us wanting to run in opposite directions.
Away from all the pain, the hate,
The neglect, the rejection, and lack of protection.
And in all the meanwhile,
When we did show up at school,
You better believe it was with a smile.
Never choosing to share our pain.
Only allowing you as far as our first and last names.
I don't think I ever had many friends visit this trailer.
But yet, My clothes looked like they were tailored.
With a pretty face, Nobody asked any questions.
So eventually I began to feel trapped and caged in.
The sadness started to control my life.
I quit going to school.
I couldn't look at my reflection.
And I stopped eating food.
I locked myself in a place I wish upon none.
These are the things I am constantly running from.
If you thought you knew me, You had no idea.
All you really knew,
Was that my name is Lia.
So the next time you find yourself judging.
Or a teacher, Teaching a class,
Remember these soldier children,
And know that each and every one of them have a past.

Race In Someone's Face - 3/21/12

Mexican, Caucasian, African, Asian, Or Haitian.
We are all the same. We are all Gods children.
How could some believe people don't belong because of a race.
Trying to hide the disgust written all over their face.
What makes you so much better because of the color of skin.
To me, It's ridiculous.
There's absolutely no reason.
What if you were trapped in a car that was burning on fire.
Burning off your skin. Along with your attire.
Begging and pleading for anyone to come to your rescue.
When he arrives, his skin is as black as the night.
But you quickly think, There's no time to argue. There's no time to fight.
This man,
Has a purpose.
God specifically wrote him a plan.
He is a decent person who does little wrong.
And you think you have a right to say he can't find a place to belong.
He just saved your life. Without thinking twice.
Writing someone off based on the color of their skin,
Shows more about the pain you're living in.
Ugly seeping through every pore.
Knowing that this is wrong.
But your selfishness helps you ignore it.
If you feel this way, It's because you feel so much hate.
The color of peoples skin is not where it was created.
The ugly you see in your reflection,
Is a result from traveling in wrong directions.
Often finding yourself lost.
You forgot to dot your "i's"
You left your "t's" uncrossed.
Someone failed you along the way.
And now your angry at the entire world,
Because your still not ok.
At one point in time you may have been a victim.
But you know what your doing now is wrong.
Ask for forgiveness.
God will help those who listen.
Even if it's been years since you've been lost or missing.
Grab his hand, hold tight. Hold on for dear life.
God doesn't care if your black or white.
You can hold your breath,
Because it wont be too long.
Until God re-positions you to travel the direction you were meant to all along.
Asking for help is  never a sign of weakness.
It's what creates uniqueness.
People don't see the power they have.
They cower and turn to vices.
Throwing a fit like a child,
Crossing their arms while shutting their eyes real tight.
If I can't see you. You can't see me type of metaphor.
Every time they check a door it's locked just like the one before.
The keys can be found,
Once you start digging deep into the ground.
Not minding the filth now covering your clothes.
Your face is bright like a freshly bloomed red rose.
Out of breath and truly exhausted.
From the seeds you just newly planted.
Sit back and watch them grow.
Let them be your mile posts.
Directing which way not to go.
If you're true to yourself,
You occasionally wont find yourself needing help.
Don't let negative past experiences...
Take away from the beauty.
Taking away the brilliance.

* We need a revolution.

Pills - 3/21/12

Your heart is racing.
It's pounding out of your chest.
Your mind is moving as fast as your body.
There's no time to rest.
Arguing with the mentality that is still thinking right,
But your body is dependant.
Now putting up an unbeatable fight.
Showing obvious signs of how much it needs this drug.
You can't escape this no matter what you do,
Or what you think of.
Waking up with an overwhelming feeling of being ill.
You would do anything to refrain from taking this pill.
But you can't.
In a desperate moment,
You made the wrong call.
Now you're paying the price.
Flying in a free fall.
Knowing eventually you're gonna find the solid pavement.
And chances are by then,
There wont be much worth saving.
Doing anything possible to not think of this reality.
Diverting responsibilities.
Living almost cowardly.
Afraid of the raw truth of life.
Soaring in a realm that shouldn't exist.
Flying high as a kite.
Living in the clouds,
Comes with living with precipitation.
It's dark. It's cold. It's wet.
There are too many people occupying this population.
Naive to the fact,
That doing this to your body wont have a lasting effect.
Choosing to live in a world where it's only a "different" kind of pain.
In the end, It will all have been in vein.
Because at the end of the day,
When there's drugs,
There's too many shades of gray.
Clouding your mind and changing who you are.
Somewhere out there far,
Living in the blackness,
But still burning bright like a star.
The lifespan of a star is billions of years,
So surly they'll be waiting when you decide to face your fears.
Believe in yourself and know you deserve a better life.
You're a mother. Someday you'll be some body's wife.
Your children deserve to see who you truly are.
Not that person living far away in the blackness,
With fire burning stars.
They deserve more than unfulfilled dreams.
And not seeing you disabled.
With clipped or broken wings.
Trap all the beauty you can in your mind.
Create boundaries defined by thin lines.
Naturally getting close at times,
To walking on these lines,
But never allowing a foot to slip.
Be honest with yourself about any truth's you've hid.
In order to gain knowledge,
You occasionally have to trip and fall.
Mistakes make us wiser.
So don't let regret,
Eat you alive.
Pack your parachute.
Hold your breath and dive.
Those black holes will fill on there own.
Once you let the darkness go.

* I personally have never had a struggle with this but know many people who have.

Another Statistic 3/19/12

Scared out of her mind.
Hands trembling.
Feeling's that cannot be defined.
She waits for the subway to eventually come to her stop.
Where she gets off and has only a few short blocks to walk,
Until she reaches 32nd and hemlock.
She pauses and takes a deep breath before opening to the door.
To a place that is unwelcoming.
Everything but her's all over the floor.
Expectations to high to ever be met.
So she lives with despair and regret.
Expected to be more than perfect.
And when she's not,
She's beaten until her eyes are swollen shut and purple.
Not only is her body bruised but so is her soul.
Frozen like ice.
Cold and inconsolable.
Numb from the endless beatings she's been forced to encounter.
Treated like someone who has no feelings,
Lying on the floor because of yet another beating.
She can't even move.
She can only look up at the ceiling.
Imagining herself somewhere else.
Where there is not a cloud in sight.
No beatings, No struggles. No fight.
Imagining the children she hasn't had yet.
Doing anything possible to not think of her situation that she wants to forget.
Starting over with a memory that has been erased.
She's literally dying to be in a better place.
But doesn't have the strength left anymore to pick herself up off of this floor.
She's lying there. Just waiting.
When foot steps approach her pounding head,
She's too afraid to move.
She has nothing left to lose.
Except her life.
So she plays dead even though the pain is cutting like a knife.
She feels a boot nudge her right side.
She holds her breath and imagines blue skies.
She can hear him breathing.
The darkness from her eye's being closed is deceiving.
Telling herself if she keeps quiet, It might be over soon.
But that's not true.
Because now he's dragging her by her feet to another room.
Where he starts beating her again with the handle of an old wooden broom.
Not knowing how much more she can take.
She's feeling tired. It's getting hard to stay awake.
Her tears have now dried on her face.
Her eye's are black and not just from running mascara.
She's in a confused daze. A never ending impossible maze.
Praying to God to give her another chance.
But God begins to cry because he knows the Devil has won this dance.
God was the one picking her up off the floor.
All the times he tried to save her before.
You can only try to help somebody for so long.
It's up to them to change what's wrong.
Or to take a stand and never except being hit by a man.
Having self worth to survive in this world.
Everything goes silent.
No sound, No movement, No thoughts or feelings.
Only darkness after this beating.
She held on with all her might.
He weakened her.
She lost this fight.
Now this beautiful 25 year old, Is nothing more than statistic.
Fit into another mold.
If you ever find yourself in this situation,
Get out immediately.
Don't hide it and live secretly.
Be the beautiful person you are.
Staying connected to friends and family.
And notice the red flags if all those things start falling apart.
Or pieces are missing.

* I have no idea where the inspiration came from for this one. Honestly was thinking about the pregnant girl who took my order in Wendy's drive through the other day.

After Death - 3/14/12

Have you ever wondered, what it will be like after you're gone.
Your family is now exiting the service. Only flowers left.
They've played your favorite song.
Family and friends now mourning a life lost,
And celebrating a great life lived.
Out pouring of love.
Prayers, plants, flowers, hugs,
There's nothing left to be gifted,
To try and have some of the weight lifted.
Forced to continue life.
Forced to move on,
Even with you, Now gone.
Now on your way to help God do his job.
You're assigned a set of wings.
Assigned to be angels.
To do the right things.
One set out to be  a guide.
To forever remain at someones side.
One set out to travel the journey after God chose you, to take.
Staying with you, until you arrive at his beautiful golden gates.
Heroic braves, assigned to the ultimate task.
To protect from Lucifer.
Delivering everything and more of what he truly deserves.
But what happens when you arrive at his gates?
I know I'm loved, I'm not sure about being judged...
How many mistakes are you allowed to make.
If forgiven, What if you don't take the chance to be re-created,
Wasting everyday of the week. Exactly 7.
What if you continue to sin, despite that,
You know what you are inside.
You're a good person within.
There's a reason that list exists.
If you chose to not live by it,
Your well being is at risk.
Trying to protect us any way he can.
That's why there's also another list,
Consisting of other men.
Men who wrote.
Some on paper,
Paper so thin.
Or written in clay,
Before there were pens.
A guide to relieve some of the pressure.
To make life less of a struggle.
So you don't feel like an out of control animal.
Having to be muzzled.
We were gifted, The Holy Bible.
Thanks to foot prints in the sand,
I'm reminded that he's always going to be there.
Holding my shaking hand.
Never leaving me stranded.
Or feeling like I've been abandoned.
I hope that when the day comes,
When I arrive at your gates,
And It's my time to be judged,
I can only hope that you say....
I was a child you were proud of.

True Love - 3/12/12

Every time I see you,
My hands start to shake.
My minds pounding with thoughts I can't control,
And every muscle in my body aches.
I try not to look at you to maintain the little composure I have left.
Trying to block out the surroundings,
And all the noise,
It's almost as if I'm now deaf.
Staring at a napkin on the the table at which I'm drawing on to keep busy.
But my heart won't quit racing.
It's making me dizzy.
Feeling like all the life has left my body.
I'm just feeling completely numb.
I can't believe what this friendship has ultimately become.
How do you stop caring for someone you truly love?
But you just can't.
You've done everything you can think of.
Now having to hide the emotions you're harboring,
Left with no other choice but to move on.
All the support you once felt. Gone.
Seeing you from time to time,
Across a crowded room,
I can't help but to wonder if you see me too.
Or what emotions I might invoke in you.
If everything you told me were lies.
I'm not sure what was true.
Using me as a doormat to wipe your dirty feet on.
Until I pick you up and you found your place to belong.
Always being your voice of reason,
Even though you never treated me right.
I was always loyal.
I never left your side.
I can't count how many times we've fought over the fact you don't seem to appreciate me.
All you do is continue to lie while feeding unfulfilled dreams.
I know what true love on my part feels like because of you.
And it makes me sad that everything you've ever searched for has been sitting beside you.
But you chose to not except it for reasons I will never understand.
I'm convinced you'll always be immature and never grow into being a man.
I feel like I will be fine one day with this outcome.
It's just been hard to see that because of the direction I've been coming from.
As sick as it may seem;
When life fails you once again,
I will be waiting with my arms wide open.
Because that's what true love is.
To love someone even with their terrible faults.
To not believe you're better than that,
To listen and not just react.
Always remembering nobody's perfect.
We learn from our mistakes.
To give and to not just take.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
You're considered lucky if It's something you're able to find.
So if you do....
Don't take advantage of the fact that someone loves you.
Along with the respect,
Don't tear out a heart that you are supposed to protect.

* Written about someone "I used to know"...

Baby Girl 12/26/06

Ever since you left something is missing.
My heart is so empty without your sweet little kisses.
The days are dark and the nights are long.
My life is gonna be so much harder when your gone.
I can picture your face.
I can smell your hair.
Knowing all I have now are pictures and memories,
That's not enough for me.
Your my baby girl.
And I'm your Auntie.
You'll always be my baby girl no matter what's between us.
Hundreds or miles.
But I will never ever forget your smile.
Your one of thee most important things to me.
Always and forever..
My little beauty Queen.

* Written about my niece Mariah moving to Phoenix before I left to move there myself.

The Past - 11/15/08

I can't trust and I don't know how to fix this.
It makes it hard to live and love.
Maybe all I need is faith from whatever it is that's up above.
I doubt it will help me.
I'm hopeless to it.
I have no control.
Walking blinded.
I can't see.
And because of this,
You will eventually leave me..
You say you won't but I know you will.
Why would you live with something so hurtful,
The pain is enough to kill.
I miss the simplicity of childhood romances.
No worries. No stresses. No taking chances.
I almost wish I didn't know what love is.
Because every love I felt before this,
Is ruining what could One day be true happiness.
Missing out on somebody so great.
Letting the past, Choose my fate.


* Written about Skylar T. Lafrenz

Jocelyn Juelz A.K.A J.J. 10:49 A.M. - 6/24/11

When you breath.
You see.
What you see Is the most beautiful thing,
Your eyes have ever seen.
You've waited 9 short months.
For something you have thought about your whole life.
We created a miracle.
We created life.
Her eyes are amazing.
Her presence captivating.
Her hair is so blond you can barely see what's barely there.
At this moment,
Nothing else matters.
You don't seem to care.
Or think about the empty life you had before this beautiful day.
These words can't even describe what I'm trying to say.
I've never loved anything the way I love my daughter.
And I never thought it could feel so incredible to be a mother.
It takes a strong person to be what they need.
Be prepared to move mountains.
And be a super hero mommy.
Your day never ends when the sun sets.
But I literally thank God everyday for this absolutely amazing gift.
These blessings,
I will never forget.

* Written about the birth of my daughter.

Walls - 3/7/09

What do you do when you've reached a wall at the end of a road.
Do you try to climb it or find a way around it.
I choose to find a way around it.
What do you do when every direction you choose to go in,
Leaves you with yet another dead end.
It could be compared to;

Decided at the spur of a moment to go on a 10 day hike through the dessert.
You pack the essentials.
But somehow forget the most important thing.
The water.
But by the time you realize it,
It's too late to go back and get it.
When the dehydration sets in,
Your weak, delusional, And in an impossible position to make the right choices given your status.
Then It's do or die.
Do you try to help yourself?
Or call out for help?
What if that help arrives.
But your so delusional from this whole ordeal,
That what if It's enough to make you think all this good,
Is in fact bad.
How long is that help suppose to try and help you before it becomes a danger to themselves.
But can they give up?
Some could.
Others would kill themselves trying to save you.
What happens if you choose to not call for help.
Are you strong enough to beat the odds.
Where is that inner will to survive in everyday life.
How could you be able to survive something like a 10 day hike through the dessert with no water or water source.
I'm struggling to find that will.
I'm lost with no direction.
I'm finding myself back at these walls more times then others maybe.
Maybe one day I'll be smart and figure out I need to climb it.

* Written about someone trying "saving me" and me not letting them.

Lia Mae - 6/7/10

My name is Lia Mae.
One who loves the ocean.
Loves chocolate ice cream.
Hates bug's.
One who tries everyday to figure life out.
But one who never will.
So she writes. Writes about it all
Paper and pen are her best friend.
The only way to express what she truly feels inside.
She's about to be a mother in August.
And couldn't be more afraid and intimidated.
She spends most days alone.
because she's socially challenged.
Starting as a child.
She'd hide behind her mothers legs.
Standing only as tall as her knees.
She's scared inside.
But by what exactly, She hasn't figured out.
With a zest for life....
She's bound to find her way eventually.

Questions - 09

What do you do when life gives you every obstacle it has.
Each day getting even longer.
Wondering if It's going to pass.
The air is getting even thicker.
It's to even breath.
Every goal you have,
Is becoming close to impossible to achieve.
Throwing up your hands and at your wits end.
But somehow always finding a way to pick your self up.
Taking a stand.
Choosing to live a better life.
By making better choices.
I'm finding life shouldn't consist of finding answers.
It should be lived freely.
With no heavy dampers.
I tend to create quicksand for myself.
Not realizing I'm sinking until I'm too deep to get out.
Nobody can hear me but I'm screaming really loud.
I'm just stuck sometimes and can't break free.
The older I get the more life doesn't make sense to me.
But I'm tired of asking questions.
Of why I can't fix human nature.
Or turn the world in It's opposite direction.
People are always going to be selfish people.
There's just no protection.

* Written at apache station in Temp.

Life - 2/11/09

We live to love.
Then die to fly.
The alive walk around us,
As passer- byers, We cry.
Wanting to be there once more.
With the familie of who we adore.
Life's not always the best here on earth.
All you want sometimes is to leave.
But then just return?
Living the lives that were choosen for us.
Trying to fufill them with what we can.
Staying positive.
And trying to stay innocent,
Like in the beginning where this life began.
But destruction starts to set in.
You might get weak as the lights get dim.
You try to keep staying strong.
Holding on.
Because you know,
 It wont be to long until you get another chance,
Because you'll be gone.
Then you enter back into this earth.
How irronic It's by a women going through horrible pain to give birth.


* Written about how you have to go through a lot of pain to get the reward sometimes.

I'm Lost - 2/1/09

As I sit here in silence.
I try to difuse the thoughts of violence.
Contemplating my fate.
Realizing all happiness seems to be gone.
Only a feeling of being axious remains.
I take it in and hold it.
Because there's no one else to blame.
Suffering in darkness.
Cold and alone.
Walking but stranded.
Unable to find home.
There's parts of me that are lost.
Like orbs in outter space.
Frantically searching for them,
I sift through the unnecessary.
Trying to be strong and hang on.
But It's almost too much to carry.
So here I ly.
Feeling buried alive.
Gasping for air I'll likely never get.
A feeling a being covered in gasoline.
Watching the horror as the flames get lit.
And I'm just gone.
Never seen.
Then I wake up from this crazy dream.
So It's back to reality.
I get up, Get dressed, Walk outside.
Look up at the sun.
And remember all the great things in life yet to come.

* Written at apache station in Tempe.

Welcome To nobody cares..Population 6.5 Billion. - 1/13/09

Why do we breath. We do we see.
Why do we fall in love and then just leave.
We do we trust. Why do we lie.
Why do we try. Why do we die.
Why do we procrastinate. Why do we impregnate.
Why can't we see the important things.
Instead of focusing on materialistic things.
Like cash and rings.
Why do we live a world where Brad Pitt is king?
Why can't it be the kid at 13 working in an assembly line in beijing?
Maybe one day we will fix those problems.
Instead of turning our heads and dodging them.
This place she be condemed.
Not one more minute spent.
Spent in a place equivilant to hell.
Or maybe even a 5X10 jail cell.
One day I will break free.
No longer tied down.
Breaks these chains and forever flee.
Destined to be a stronger person.
Destined to be me.
Instead of the girl carring the coach purse,
Wishing to be,
Lindsey Lohan or Nicole Richie.
Thank God my eyes are open to what's really going on.
Even though it wont change,
I will continue to live this way.
Going to bed each night and waking up to a new day.
Where one of these new days,
Something drastic will hopefully change.

* Written about being frustrated with the world I live in.

Finding Land - 12/1/07

Life is an "S" shaped road of destrusction.
Filled with all kinds of hate and corruption.
Decietful people walking around in every direction.
Who to turn to, Who to trust.
My answeres are no where.
They've turned to dust.
I thought I knew.
But I had no idea.
I need a definition.
I need an encycolpedia.
I need to know. I need to see.
Why am I so confused?
I should know these things.
Im feeling consumed.
It's so hard day to day,
To live and survive.
To be normal.
To stay alive.
There's so much weight inside.
I don't know how to take it out.
My head and my heart,
Are so far apart.
But I can't stop them from colliding.
It makes me not know what I what.
It's hard to stay afloat.
I need a hand.
I need a boat.
To find land would be to figure it all out.
I need to know,
Without these doubts.

* Written when I lived in beaverton working at a tanning salon.

Distorted Self Image - 6/09

Isolated and alone.
Cold and hard.
I feel like stone.
Miserable in most waking moments.
Unable to run far enough.
So for now, I just keep hoping.
Trying to find a way to the core of who I really am.
But the road blocks are preveting me. I can't.
My eye's are green and that's all I really see.
When looking in a mirror, I'm not just looking,
I'm trying to find, Me.
A self image that is distorted makes it hard to see.
Imagine a rope tied around your neck.
It's hard to even breath.

* Written about body dysmorphia.

Not So scared - 10/6/09

A dooming feeling is setting in.
The walls are capsizing because of the strong winds.
All the weight in the world is arrizing.
Thick rops holding us back from thriving.
Anxiety in your chest.
Your breathing is constricted.
You would do anything to have this weight lifted.
Emotions are irratic.
Your thoughts are so rapid.
With literally no where to turn to, I turn to my left.
I look at your face.
And the pain in my chest starts to disepate.
Your eyes are my light.
So sunny. So bright.
Your the other half of my soul completing who I want to be.
In finding you, I have found another great part of me.
I'm not so scared now that I'm with you....

* Written shortly after I met my daughter father.

Caged Bird - 2/2/12

When will I feel happy.
When will I feel free.
Feeling complete.
Feeling whole.
Is something forign to me.
I can't trust.
I can't breath.
I feel like a psychopath is slowly creeping out of me.
Negativity is like a disease running rapidly.
Spreading It's way all over the place.
There's no where to run.
No place to stay safe.
They have a cure for most of this in the fourm of a pill.
Nevermind what it was that ever even made you ill.
Looking into the system will only leave you with depression.
Feeling vaulnerable.
Acting agressive.
If only people could be beautiful would the world ever see a change.
That will likely never happen, And It's such a sad shame.
Most people can't face reality about the world they live in.
Living like a bird that's caged in.
It could never be more true that the truth will set you free.
Begin with yourself.
Open your eyes, See, Believe.
Searching too deep may leave you with secrets you can't keep.
I guess I can answer my own question of when will I feel free...
Maybe in another life time, It will happen for me.

* Written "Just Beacuse"

Hero - 2/25/12

Ben. My older brother. Also one of my best friends.
The strongest man I ever knew, But he's impossible to see through.
He never talks about the way he feels inside.
I know It's his way to hide.
Hide from the memories he can't escape.
Or maybe It's the opposite, They've been erased.
His hair is Red. His eyes are Blue.
If he see's you fall, He'll pick you up and carry you.
Like a vetran who's never even been to war.
He's been fighting for too long.
He has to be as tired as me from listening to this same song.
The anger he feels could kill in an instant.
he wasn't born this way as an infant.
He experianced things he shouldnt of.
So he ran in a closet, Shut the door, And turned off the light above.
He's been in there so long, He's now too afraid to come out.
He cracks the door, But shuts it again because he has doubts.
Doubts that when he escapes and runs free, That he will be safe or have enough time to save me.
He's angry because he knows what he wants and doesnt know how to get there.
He's pretending like It's not bothering him. Like he doesnt care.
But I know that's untrue.
Because I felt the same and went searching for clues.
What I found was beyond wrong. It was profound.
We were failed because she was failed.
We were all on the same train and it derailed.
You've carried me long enough.
Let me carry some of the weight to lighten it up.
Follow my light and I'll show you the way.
To more normalcy. And better days.

* Written about one of my hero's. I love you brother so, so much :) Xoxoxo.

The Golden Chair - 4/29/09

There's this little girl with short blond hair.
Who's only in the fourth grade
And already feels like nobody cares.
Living her life un-noticed.
She's always tired, And can't even focus.
No parent's or friends to lean on.
Home alone on summer day's,
Sitting in a short golden chair,
Staring out the window.
Watching the rays.
The world seems so empty.
 Every body's gone.
So quietly to herself, She sings a song.
Suddenly feeling the rush that it gave her,
She finally found the cure to make her braver.
Finding it now easier to cope with the hand she was dealt with and realizing she was given a gift.
She may not be the best singer,
But a part of changed.
She's now a believer.
She was never really "popular" in school,
Her bangs were always in her eyes.
Nobody knew, But it was her way to hide.
Going home to an empty house,
She became a great cook.
And was surprisingly smart considering how much she loved to read books.
Always teased and picked on,
Her mother changed her school.
She met this boy and overnight became "cool".
From that point on things were just a little bit lighter.
Going through all of that made her tuff,
If needed, to be a fighter.
Good thing for all of this happening.
Because little did she know, This was all just the beginning...

* Written about myself.

Disaster 2/12

Broken and with a soul that's tattered. Everything I once believed is completely shattered.
I'm in the darkness but instead of being blinded, I see it all.
I'm thinking, should I let myself fall?
Trying to keep the memory alive of why I'm facing these demons and turning to fight.
It's so that someone in this family will have the strength to find the light.
...And carry it out to search for the ones who are lost, with the same blood running through my veins.
But if they don't help themselves, I'll be coming back again and again.
Where do you find the strength to make a much needed change.
Being completely selfish and not feeling ashamed.
If I could save them all I would try until I died, but I can't, so instead I cry.
All of you are giving me the strength to do this.
I've learned life should be filled with light, and bliss.
If only I could pass along the strength I've found.
Stress is like an earthquake shaking the ground.
Your balance becomes unstable, your vision a little blurry. Run, find cover, hurry.
The stronger it gets the more destruction it causes,
Meanwhile your curled up in the doorway of a closet.
Being scared out of your mind wondering when it will pass, nothing you can do but pray from some miracle to be cast.
Just like with natural disasters, history repeats itself unless you make a change.
Or you'll be waiting for the next one and still living with pain.

* Written about addiction.

Gods Creation - 2/12

Like calm waters of a slowly running stream, the surroundings are beautiful, the setting so serene.
Such an amazing sound as the wind blows through the leaves of the trees. colors like paint on canvas splattered all over gods creation, almost as perfect as an animation.
The peace I feel as I cast my fishing reel, is as soft as the petals of a perfect rose. This feelings unbelievable, so surreal, s...o close.
I'm waking over a bridge into the unknown of the green wilderness, which is exactly where I need to be.
Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself. To find a way to succeed.
I can smell the nature all around me. The bark, the river, the trees.
For the first time in my life, I feel completely free.

 

* Written in my head while trying to fall asleep the morning before putting it on paper.

Grab My Hand - 2/12

Do you even know the names, of who make decisions for your families so carelessly as if it were a simple game of monopoly?
So deceiving to the naked eye, answers hidden by lies, suits, and ties.
Most actually believe they have a say in their own fate. But its all an illusion. It's all so fake. "Earning" more money than some families will ever make.
You ask me, where's my faith?
It was lost when katrina was created. I've never seen, so much sadness and hate, all taken in from a television. Images you can't forget. Our country put to the ultimate test. And these "men in suits" failed to protect.
Man kind faced one of its biggest challenges, but it was all way too much to manage.
I've heard, People show their true colors when disaster strikes, human nature couldn't handle this fight.
We except these "men in suits" to wave magic wands, but its our responsibility to the future to change human nature.
Somewhere along the timeline, your neighbour is no longer a friend and shouldn't be trusted.
I'm disgusted.
Registries, and zoo's for humans to make you feel safe, until your at risk because evil escapes.
It's no way to live and I'm dying for a better world, but I just can't do it all being one girl.
So I'm asking man kind to take a deep look inside, and deal with any truths they've chosen to hide.
To never look another human in the eye, telling bold face lies.
To lend a helping hand to a broken heart that's on the mend.
To be what someone deserves. To be a true friend.
To be honest to all but most of all to yourself, and not use excuses for a terrible hand dealt.
To choose to protect, instead of sin.
Doing all this by taking a simple look within.
This world could be different if people chose to be beautiful.

* Written about...Well, To be honest.....Mitt Romney inspired this. Sorry if I offended anyone with that.

The Fight - 2/12

It's a pretty terrible feeling to not want to live in your own skin.
You see ugly in your reflection,
And you don't feel right within.
You try everyday to keep the evil thoughts at bay,
But nothings working, your just not ok.
One minute you seem to be fine,
And the next your not, and its all in your mind.
A mind you seem to not be able to control,
Like a bad hand of cards, you just want to fold.
Holding you back from everything and everyone,
Sometimes you feel as if you don't even know yourself,
You don't know exactly what you need but know you need help.
There's no strength left anymore,
But you keeping fighting because somewhere deep inside you know you deserve more.
A battle your fighting within yourself is one of the hardest to win,
When its this bad you can't help but to feel it won't end until your laying in your coffin.
I now have the biggest reason to want and need to succeed in positive change and she's my daughter.
She deserves a good mother and a good father.
I made the choice to bring her into this.
It's something I seem to forget. Totally dismiss.
She deserves to be shown the beauty in life.
Not the struggles. Not the fight.
She deserves to feel the sun shinning even when clouds are overhead,
And its my job to do this, but also to protect.
That's where the lines cross for me.
Knowing how terrible this place can be,
Its hard for me to believe she'll always be safe. It really scares me.
She's so important and owns my heart.
I couldn't take it if that was torn apart.
So the anxiety....effects my capabilities.
I can't see through all the lies I tell myself and she needs me to be someone I can't until I find help.
I'm holding onto every hand I can, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing my grip,
Slipping, but not yet falling.
I still have a chance to do what's right and do everything it takes to win this fight.
I love my family, and I'm dying to be happy.
It's time for me to let go and except that I'm not in control.
It's one man and his master plan.
Living life is like, living in a classroom full of students.
There to learn.
Some make it, some don't,
It's all up to you and what you earn.
There's a good reason they say nothing in life comes free.
Life's a battle field.
It's not easy.
But I'm willing to hold onto the little faith remaining
And keep shooting for the goal at which I'm aiming.
Keeping my protective eye wear on,
Doing my best to do what's right before this short life is gone.

* Written the other night about all this change I'm going through.

Running - 6/09

If I could look in a mirror and like what I see, there would be no more criticism or picking apart everything that's good about me.
I'm feeling stronger at this moment, hoping that it lasts, I'm feeling more confident.
Trying my best to look at things positively, but its a fight I'll be fighting indefinitley.
I can't change me genes or go back and re do my childhood.
All I can do ...is try to re shape my crooked path, always remembering how important it is to laugh.
If I could go back and change things, I'm not sure I would.
Because all of this bad, helped me become something incredibly good.
I have my problems just like most have, but at least I'm learning,
And not running from my past.

* Written in Phoenix

Toll Of Life - 8/17/08 13 days before my 21st.

I'm falling apart at all my seems. I've lost my goals and I have no dreams. I drink to make the pain go away.
But it just subsides it. It's here to stay.
I've given up on most things I care about, and people don't notice cuz I keep my sadness quiet as a mouse.
I don't want people to care, I don't want them to know me.
Sometimes I wish god would just... take me so that I can finally be set free.
Set free from the minions that control my life, holding me down and making me fight.
I want to be a happy girl. Not a sad girl who feels so alone in a cold, empty world.
I have lost who I am and I just want to find her.
I have the capability of becoming something great but can't become that until I don't feel like I'm gonna break.
I don't want it to hurt.
I don't want it to burn.
I want to be happy.
Is it ever gonna be my turn?
I feel divided into a million little pieces.
Torn apart at the creases.
The time will come when I'm ready to make changes.
But for right now...the alcohol is in charge and I'm gonna let it be, until I'm ready to set myself free.

* Written right after leaving a relationship that lasted 6 years. That was one crazy summer. I'm in a much better place now. :)

The devil In a man 2/12

The pressure I feel is building inside.
Feeling more alone than ever.
Nothing to stand beside.
There's a beast inside so strong, I'm almost unable to sustain it anymore.
Cracks in the foundation are showing more than before.
I'm angry and don't want to be.
I'm sad and don't have to be.
I want it to feel ok to be me.
What I am is where this all began.
I'm finally able to see what I thought was a terrible hand dealt to me, Was in fact something that wasn't meant for me.
I can only hope that God deals with the people who interfere with his plan.
And get everything they deserve for being the Devil. Living in a man.
I've heard people say life is what you make it.
But what if like makes you?
There;s an opaque curtain your unable to see through.
Your being drug down a road that was never intended for you.
Beating you. Until you're black and blue.
Few survive such a sad situation.
Living the rest of their lives in complete alienation.
Not by choice, But by complete and utter fear.
Because of stolen sacred security.
Never innocent. Never care-free.
Fogotten by society. Let down by the world.
I was never meant to be this girl.

* Written @ 3:30 A.M. I couldn't sleep.

My First Kiss 2/30/12

I feel I could never put into words what you truly mean to me.
but with this pen, And tears falling from my eyes, Im going to do my best and try.

You're engaged. And I'm enraged.
Not because of jealousy, greed, or even self pitty.
Because I trusted you. You used me.
I've never cared for another human the way I cared for you.
Everything you ever told me was untrue.
I thought it would all be a phase I outgrew.
But everytime I turn around, There you are.
Lighting up all the darkness, With all these stars.
There's a reason you were put in my life.
Everytime I try to find answers, Your throwing knives.
You tell me you don't care, But everytime I see you,
You stare.
Do people who don't care stare?
I feel like you do these things to try to keep to the truth hidden.
Because we're from two different worlds, Stuck back in time,
Almost as if it's been forbidden.
Maybe we were only meant to learn from each other.
Except with all these questions, This idea's been smoothered and undiscovered.
There's an energy pulling me towards you that I don't understand and find a little scary.
The weights become to heavy, It can never be re-carried.
I will walk away with this heavy heart, That was beating in your bare hands when you tore it apart.
With my questions tucked in my pocket.
Your memory frozen. Like a picture in a locket.
Not knowing what it is that I need or even want from you.
Left with nothing but a gravity pull not letting me get away from you.
From time to time it's made me question myself.
Am I crazy? Or do I need help? How is it possible I could have created this myself?
It's not. Because I didn't.
I trusted you. And I shouldn't.
You were my last hope in seeing the good in people.
Instead you reminded me of the evil.
The lesson I'm choosing to take,
Is that it was worth my heart ache.
Because one day, It will be your heart that's aching while slowly breaking.
Stuck with a ring that doesn't mean anything.

* Written about someone who truly hurt my heart.

Vickie Lee - 2/23/12

She was born to Robert and Peggy Fear.
november 7th. They named her Vickie Lee.
Second to the youngest of 8 but far from free.
She never got the love she truley deserved.
Nobody told her she mattered.
Now she's in her 50's. Still bruised and tattered.
She left home with a goal in mind.
To never hurt again. To never look behind.
Trying anything possible to numb her pain. But it never worked. It was all in vein.
Halfway down the road she gained a responsibility she couldnt have been ready for.
She couldnt handle anymore.
Jody, Ben, Lia, Forrest.
Brown, Red, Blonde.
The intentions were right but the result was not. It was far and beyond.
She's sick inside and I cant save her.
Looking into the past, It's all becoming a blur.
I'm watching her put on her make-up in front of the double sinks.
I can smell cigarette smoke. It stinks.
praying that maybe just maybe her car wont start this time.
Staring at the carpet, I remember the design.
She called me her "shaddow".  I used to hold onto her leg.
Don't leave me I would pray to God. I would beg.
Her laugh rings in my head like a song I can't forget.
I don't know how she really feels and if she lives with any regrets.
I can see her shiny brown hair sparkling in the sun.
Driving with the wind in my face was always so much fun.
If I could go back and tell her one thing; I would asker her to help herself.
I would scream.
She gave me the same disability she has.
It's like a disease, it even infected my dad.
Asking her to help herself is like asking a quadriplegic to walk.
She needs to find the key to her soul because it's locked.
locked in a place of time were she was a victim.
I don't believe her efforts of saying she's forgiven.
because if she's truley forgiven she would love herself and believe she deserves love and happiness. Instead, She hides within herself.
It's a mess.

* Written about my mother. I love you mama.