I feel like my whole life this far has been put on repeat.
I can't seem to break away from the history.
Experiencing the same things over and over as when I was a child.
I doesn't seem to come in a form of mild.
Its intensence. It's insane.
More then real. Far from a game.
People on the outside looking in.
Are constantly wondering why Its so hard to move on.
Get over it. To win.
The minute I think I have.
I'm back at square one with even more baggage.
I'm constantly in a battle with my own brain.
Trying so hard to self explain.
Because nobody else is ever there.
Exactly why I assume they don't care.
I cant wait for the day that I'm standing in front of God.
I cant wait for an explanation.
A reason for so many expectations.
I know deep down there has to be a reason I'm being put through what I am.
Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the very second it all began.
Before I had a name. Before I had a personality.
My first breath of oxygen.
Not that it would change the plan God had already wrote for me.
But so that I can finally see.
See myself for what I truly am.
Not what I'm desperately trying to believe.
Re-thinking everything about me and what I do actually see.
My capabilities. My strength. My capacity.
I want to die with my head held high.
Not feeling like I need to return.
Because I didn't do it right the first time.
I let it burn.
How do you stop something you have no control of.
This is me. Living with PTSD.
In constant agony because of the anxiety.
My brain is moving faster then what I can keep up with.
Its confusing along with exhausting.
Labeling everything that has a surface.
Doing things that just have no purpose.
Relying on worksheets to teach me.
Coping skills and how to control my own breathing.
Its beyond frustrating.
Why do you think I want to run away.
That I don't see light in most days.
I cant even stray.
When I have had to create my own path to walk.
Finding away around every road block.
But I'm tired of running.
I want to sit.
Put my feet up, relax, and forget.
I'm not sure I even know how to relax.
Only how to relapse.
Picking myself up only to re-begin.
Waiting for the end.
Like waiting for your favorite song to play on the radio.
Seems like the more you want it the more its a no show.
Forcing you to keep building.
Like Jenga.
Its not very sturdy.
The more pieces its starts to lose the more it loses its balance.
One wrong move and you blew your chance.
Its all coming down. Like the heaviest rain fall.
I want to dig a hole deep as it will go climb in and never be found.
Lost beneath the ground. No hurt. No pain. No sound.
The only person who is here for me. Is, Me.
Despite my best efforts to hide.
Its all clearly busting its way through every one of my cracks.
Showing you all everything that I lack.
But I keep writing and you want to know why.
Because we are all occasionally dying on the inside.
I, On the other hand go through more for reasons unknown of.
I always thought it was because I was going to die before my time.
But maybe its not.
Maybe I can save your life.
Even though I cant save mine.
* I had a really bad day yesterday. I remember thinking....While writing this on the ink pad on my phone, That I cant even text this fast. Haha. It took me 10 minutes. Literally. My brain never sleeps.
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