After I Wake 4/16/12

I close my eyes as I am trying to fall asleep.
My brain is still racing.
Wondering if It's only a matter of time before I fall deep.
I, unlike many, Remember most of my dreams.
Like when I was a child.
They are usually bad dreams.
I wake up screaming. Running for doors.
Trying to escape from certain places. Certain faces.
Waking with a face full of tears.
Crying because I'm scared.
Terrified by the things I fear.
They are just dreams right.
But they feel too real.
DreamWorks or Pixar would be ideal.
With these feelings still lingering when I wake.
At times, I don't know how much more I can take.
Searching for answers on how to make this easier to cope with.
And in fact, Found out that It's considered a gift.
Giving you a heads up on where you are heading in your future.
Or whats going on at the time in your life.
Like hints on a test.
Giving you some insight.
If you pay attention, You might get a step ahead.
But it still doesn't take away my fear of simply going to bed.
The later it gets in a day the more anxious I feel.
That's when it all comes to life.
Everything that I conceal.
When I was a little girl, I used to beg to sleep on my sisters floor.
So that I didn't have to be alone after closing the door.
Like Boo without her Sully.
Scared and knowing that I would fall asleep eventually.
I have to fight to turn off the lights. In every sense.
Like steel has just been miraculously bent.
If i had a choice I probably wouldn't sleep a day in my life.
Despite the insight. It doesn't really seem to matter.
Nothing changes. It's always the same. A never ending hang man game.
Trying to fill in the blanks before you run out of options.
And that loose noose around your neck is tightened.
Until you can't manage to take one more breath.
My ultimate fear. Forever left alone. To "rest".
My amazing grandma before her passing.
Used to ask me "Why do you always wear all that black".
I never had an answer for her.
Until I realized my soul is so black that's all I see. Is black.
Insecure. Ashamed. Full of panic attacks. And intense fears.
A tiny little speck in the massive stratosphere.
All the sudden a light appeared. Weight was lifted. Some fear disappeared.
The older I get, The easier it is to deal with these horrible dreams.
I know that after I awake, The screams goes silent.
The horrors stop and so does the violence.
It's all no so extreme and I know they can't kill me.
Now that I'm 24 years old. No longer a helpless little girl.