If I could go back to the day we met.
I wouldn't have spoken to you.
There would be nothing to forget.
Then again, Any day that I got to see your smile was by far,
Worth the while.
The years of the worst heart ache I have ever felt.
The lies. The questions. The fears. The laughs. Every tear.
Still after making it through the storm.
You would think I would never want to go back.
But I usually don't think always before I react.
So the possibility of that happening.
Is a good one. I don't want it to be.
I'm tired of you being what I mostly run from.
As fast as I can until I can't run anymore.
Ive completely run out of breath and collapsed to the floor.
When you have caught up with me.
Managing to find the key to the door I locked.
Moving the furniture I also used to keep it blocked.
Peeling layers of my skin off slowly but surely. Painfully.
Until there's nothing left. You've skinned me.
Exposing those painful nerves.
Naked. Cold. Disgusted. Alone. Ashamed. To blame.
That's how I feel at times.
For allowing you to do these things to me.
For all that you do that you refuse to accept.
To see. To Believe.
You have never even said your sorry.
You pretend like you don't hurt. You don't feel.
Like Nothing phases you.
But I, out of everybody, Know that is untrue.
I was always the one you called on.
When you needed another point of view.
When the weight of the world has been crushing you.
Then we were forced to part and go our separate ways.
Because after 15 years I finally told you that I loved you.
Having been hurt before you bolted for every exit. Any door.
Never to return again. Leaving me behind. To self defend.
When sometimes I feel like I sort of need you.
My whole life. You were my best friend.
There for anything and all things that have happened in my life.
The pain from your absence has severed me into pieces with a butterfly knife.
Your words hurt just the same.
Telling everyone I'm crazy. That you never felt anything for me.
That you never even knew my name.
Makes me feel shamed. Even though it should be you.
For doing what you have and for everything your putting me through.
But then when we do see each other again.
You just calmly act like we remained friends.
I'm exhausted. You make me so tired.
Like I want to give up.
Go be as far as I can away from you.
Set myself on fire. It burns just the same.
I hope my daughter never believes and trusts a boy the way I did for you.
Scratch that. She'll be smarter because of you.
I will be able to spot your kind immediately for the rest of my life.
Why wouldn't you just let me in.
I was only begging since I was 10.
Times like these my heart is too big for It's own good.
I just want save you. Protect you from the rejection you feel.
Paint you pictures like the Mona Lisa that have taken 16 years to get right.
To show you in a perfect form what is real.
Open your eyes to see what you have been missing.
I always thought I wanted to actually be with you.
But that's not why.
I just want you to love me too before I die.
To be there to wipe every tear from my eye.
To appreciate me.
To be who you used to be.
I'm still mourning. I will forever miss you.
Next time I see you and your lips start moving.
Before I hear any sound. I will take it as a fair warning.
Nothing is guaranteed.
It's possible if I choose to let you in.
I'm risking hurting for a lifetime all over again.
Though you teach me hard lessons about life.
I get stronger every time. Strangely It's worth it in the end.
I realize there are still parts of myself I need to find. Re- design.
When I'm scared. Standing alone. When you've left me behind.
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