Beauty Is In The Beholder 9/6/13

Life.
How to even begin the explanations in my brain.
At times, Its so sad.
Some are great.
At others, Its insane.
After the rain,
Colors fill your skies.
Your heart.
Your eyes.
Your heartbeat returns to its normal rhythm.
Your eyes Begin to dry.
After the downfalls,
When you fight to get up,
Once you do, Once you make it,
It's almost as if you're reborn.
Standing there absolutely naked.
The happy moments are now felt like when you were a child.
Simply, but fully appreciated.
Love is the radiation.
The treatment to your disease.
Even without good reason,
You find a way to believe.
A way to keep moving.
When you take away the unnecessary,
The pain and hurt,
People, Life, Love,
Is incredibly beautiful.
Especially in the struggle.
Like strong animals surviving in the African wilderness.
Lions, Zebras, Maternal Elephants, Wilder beast's.
Wild and care fee.
Fighting for lives everyday.
Fighting for families.
Loved one's.
The ultimate gift,
Freedom.
Even in the masses.
Respectfully cohabiting.
Sustaining life by procreating.
Life happens so fast.
It's like an invisible F5 tornado.
Life is too spacial to be spent creating a show.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in as deep as you can.
Life is a beach.
Play in the sand.
Life is wind.
You can feel it.
But you can't see it.
Imagine if we could watch.
If anything, What would you change?
Why would you go back?
Maybe you could already have those answers.
That's the point of this rambling.
Sometimes we need to be reminded,
That when life leaves you blinded,
It's not binding.
You don't need to break free.
You need to see,
 To feel,
That you are free.
Life is beautiful because you are you.
And I am me.
The differences create the beauty.
Everywhere.
Sparkling like glitter.
When you feel bitter,
You're wasting precious seconds.
When I walk.
I now see the pictures of sidewalk chalk.
I see planes in the sky.
Transporting loved ones to each other.
Right now, In this moment,
I don't feel smothered.
I feel beautiful.
I am a mother.
I will never be defeated.
Even if I never find my door.
I'll try to pass out key's.
Leave everyone of you with a piece of me.
Selflessly.
Even though It's scary.
Because I know you're human.
You cant help but to judge.
Almost embarrassing.
Like lipstick on your teeth.
But I share it all anyway.
Because I finally found my love for me.
And for you.
Left with another scar.
But life is once again,
Beautiful.

The Last Goodbye 5/12

You reached in and stopped my internal clock.
I think of you when I don't want to.
And I cant stop.
I feel like my head is collapsing.
You're not there this time to catch me.
And I'm falling.
Fast.
In a race against time.
To have the life I want,
I need to clear you from my mind.
You hold me in this vulnerable place so tight.
Your grip is painful.
It has honestly left me with a broken heart that might not be repairable.
They say in your late age,
That it is possible to die from a broken heart.
If only you could know how this is making me feel inside.
How its torn me apart.
It makes it so hard to simply breathe.
Its the worst pain I've ever felt.
And none of it can be relieved.
Or fuse my chest that has been cracked in half.
Maybe I need your love so badly because I never got it from my dad.
God only knows why you were brought into my life.
Or why you are still here.
Not knowing leaves me with this intense fear.
Am I not seeing what he is trying to show me.
Am I passing on something that is meant to be.
If it was in fact, meant to be,
Why is it so hard.
I don't know what to believe.
I have never felt more crazy.
Delusional.
Confused and abused.
Its becoming unbearable.
I try to let it go.
Because you don't make me feel good.
You make me feel terrible.
 Bringing out a side of myself that only you are capable of doing.
Your like fly paper.
Completely consuming.
The heart ache is draining.
Because there's no answers.
There's no peace.
I don't want to love you forever.
I want to for once, Feel at ease.
I wore my heart on my sleeve.
You took it and locked away the key.
I feel like I'm lost in the woods at night.
Its really scary.
And makes me want to cry.
I cant control it anymore and I realize that now.
I have to find a way to move on.
Some how.
Unprecipitated love is the worst kind of love.
Its the most painful thing I have ever felt.
You have to go through it all by yourself.
There is nobody that can help.
In another life,
Maybe for once the timing will be right.
Until then,
This is the final note.
The last goodbye.
 

Wonderland 5/13

I think of you and stumble.
Alice.
Falling into a rabbit hole.
Perspective is distorted.
I suddenly start to think of growing old with you.
Considering everything we've already been through.
I'm stuck to you like crazy glue.
The anxiety that manifests,
From constantly worrying about my very best,
Constricts my breathing.
The whole world starts to seem deceiving.
Seeing is believing.
But that's the problem.
I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Always in a battle with my own brain.
The love you respectfully offer is is vane.
Because I'm always trying to forget your name.
To avoid any pain.
The love I feel is the most intense feeling Ive ever felt.
I feel like an American man standing in a kilt.
I feel embarrassed.
And don't know why.
All of the questions born in my head,
At times makes me want to give up and die.
They eat me alive.
As I sit here and think about dreams of skydiving.
The most beautiful brown eyes.
And the most infectious smile.
All in the meanwhile,
I'm panicking.
Like I'm running out of time.
Speaking of time.
Its never the right time.
Too late usually.
Too early occasionally.
The time in the middle is the most painful.
Never the actually moment of the missed opportunity.
Because then I know I could lose you again at any moment.
For eternity.
My biggest fear.
That you will find her.
Run off into the sunset with the girl of dreams.
Of course Id be happy, For you.
But Id be forever lonely, Without  you.
Because of this and the time in the middle.
My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle.
Or an unsolved riddle.
I go searching for answers that cannot be found.
Again, Here comes time.
Taking away my smile.
Leaving a frown.
Gray skies, Rain clouds, Doubt.
That it will never be solved or figured out.
That I will die missing out on the person of my dreams.
Left with nothing but a fantasy.
That I will have to wait another lifetime.
To see your eyes.
Or see you smile.
If only you knew how I honestly felt.
It would make your heart melt.
In a disbelief of your own.
That you didn't know any of this until we were grown.
When I fell in love for the first time,
I never quit falling.
I'm still falling.
Everyday.
It never goes away.
And for that reason,
Is why I'm still sitting here.
Why I choose to stay.
Even though I know I shouldn't.
Because all good things come to an end.

Difference's 9/13

Why is it when you go out of your way.
To make others happy because it makes you feel so good,
That those same people,
Are no where to be found when they should.
When you need them the most.
I feel like escaping this place.
Disappearing to the coast.
The only place I never feel the pain.
The one place where I don't feel like talking or moving whatsoever.
Its degrading when people lie to you.
Like you're too stupid to see through.
See through the bullshit.
Right down to the very existence of the problem.
Selfishness.
It's painful when you suddenly realize,
How unimportant you are in the lives of people who matter most.
Excruciating in fact.
I don't even talk to my own dad.
Its so sad.
When you give, and give, and give,
You eventually become tired.
So then you no longer bother.
But why is it,
That even while being exhausted,
I still try.
Not only do I try.
I want to.
I need to.
The thought not to,
Makes me want to cry.
Makes me want to die.
Without them what is the point of life?
My roots, Is why my heart is always in the dark.
Sometimes I wonder if its worth it.
If I should let go, Move on, And try to forget.
With that my heart shatters.
Like fragile glass.
Before I even have a chance to try,
I'm picking up these pieces while I cry.
Back to the beginning of the frustration.
The humiliation.
That you work so hard for people who don't care.
Actions speak louder than words and its not fair.
Its not fair that my heart doesn't matter.
It never has.
Second youngest to the last.
Four in total.
The only people on earth who can make this emotional.
The only people I need.
My family.
Like food.
I need to eat to survive.
I feel like I'm starving to death.
The slowest death you could ever imagine.
And the worst part?
Is that It's happened again.
The youngest should have had it easiest.
Instead it was the hardest.
Nothing was learned and still never is.
Its always the same and it makes me sick.
What does it take.
I'm about to break.
I want to scream until I no longer have a voice.
I made the choice.
To try until I take my last breath.
Until my death.
You want to know why?
Because these same people chose to procreate.
And for children I would do anything.
Alleviate the pain.
That's the difference between selflessness and selfishness.
That's the difference between receiving and giving.
That's the difference between giving up and believing.
With or without your half assed love.
Watch me rise above.
Rise above it all.
Get up after every fall.
These roots are growing the largest tree.
With hundreds of branches.
Each on representing chances.
Each time one snaps and breaks,
It just grows back.
So even with everything you lack,
I'll always unknowingly to you,
Be here to have your back.
Be there even if you don't care.
Sounds conceded right?
The way I'm speaking.
Perceive it as you will.
But the sad part is that Its all true.
I'm glad I finally had a way to tell you.

Fate 4/13

Finding true love isn't up to you.
The universe has already chosen.
You're just looking for the mirror.
To see the other half of you.
Soul mates bound eternally.
Whether alive with a heart beat.
Or resting peacefully in eternity.
The love is so strong,
That even after death it still belongs.
Its still alive.
The time and place has already been chosen.
You meet them and feel as if you somehow already know them.
And you do.
But you don't even know it.
Space and time have no existence.
The point is not acceptance.
Because with each goodbye,
Its building stairs on the inside.
Teaching you important things about yourself.
The most unexplainable feelings you've ever felt.
You keep meeting again and again.
You are the best of friends.
There's a mutual silent trust.
Not blinded by lust.
Being in love is completely different.
Finding your twin flame,
Makes you feel as if your whole life is a spiritual experiment.
They say the good and bad you do in this life,
Builds your next life's future.
Maybe that's why some live in complete torture.
The moments of pure happiness and love in between,
Should be soaked in and treasured.
The moments in life where you feel it couldn't get any better.
You notice how those moments aren't too often and are not felt for long?
Because that's not the point of this life you live.
Deep inside you already know where you belong.
People are intuitive with senses for a reason.
You're drawn to certain things and people but you just don't see it.
Because its not a tangible thing you can hold in your hands.
Materialism will bury you in quick sand.
Life is so short that every single minute counts.
Everyday there is something new to be found out.
The unexplainable things that we experience shouldn't be questioned.
Just feel it.
And you'll know what to do.
Even when you don't,
Remember that its already been planned for you.
Keep walking.
Keep breathing.
Keep loving.
Keep dreaming.
Pay close attention to dreams when you sleep.
You're dreaming of your past lives.
They are like maps to this life.
But everything is perception.
Your lessons are your choices.
Choose wisely.
And you could end up happy.
I don't always want to be happy.
Because when its burning is when you're learning.
The best lesson is to live weightlessly.
So that you're not walking around aimlessly.
Full of worries and anxieties.
Let it all go and embrace the pain.
Knowing its just building the next life.
When you're born with a new face and new name.
I met my twin flame when I was eight.
Well meet again.
With new names.
New faces.
The same times.
Different places.
Its all called fate.
 

Death In A Breath 2/12

Hatred is terrifying.
Anger is hurt.
People do bad things.
Sometimes deliberately on purpose.
From a rage inside that's been growing.
Its a temperature rising.
With an assault riffle in hand.
Bullets start blazing.
With a hockey mask hiding his face.
Entering a building with one thought in mind.
Kill as many as possible and never look behind.
In moments like these,
People often question.
Come up with their own hypotheses.
Maybe this person is sick in their head.
Maybe their heart is too heavy with dread.
Some just want them dead.
They live with a feeling everyday of being better off dead.
It's hard for me to admit,
I actually can understand this nonsense.
Ive walked in those terrifying shoes.
Wanting revenge on the world,
And its people for what they do to you.
We all may have been born equal.
But that's not how all are treated.
Treated evil.
Some don't mind bullies.
Because its not their kid.
Some don't notice the screaming they hear,
From the little girl down the street being abused and hit.
Some don't notice simply you.
As a person.
A human being with a soul.
With feelings in tact.
Some weren't raised with tools to cope.
There is no normal function.
No typical reaction.
With too much time to think because of being isolated.
Maybe born with a mutation.
Maybe even a beautiful face.
But something that makes them different.
Sour faces are a strong as peppermint.
They start feeling an overwhelming feeling of resentment.
Not just for those they feel have hurt them.
For everyone.
Leaving them in the condemned.
Leading them to their own death.
Laughing and pointing.
Instead of actually knowing.
Or helping.
The entire world starts becoming annoying.
You begin to be forced to live in a world where you don't want to be.
No matter where you turn,
Theres never a release.
Nobody.
Have you ever lived everyday feeling like you're suffocating.
Have you ever looked at another without judgement.
At someone who is different,
But with appreciation?
Probably not.
That's what in my opinion people do bad things to others.
They don't for one second see that they are suffering.
The pain deep within their own eyes.
You don't even notice them as you're walking by.
Keeping your head down.
Looking at your phone.
The ground.
We don't live in this world alone.
Many seem to forget that.
Clearly when the cry is so violent,
They are seeking attention.
Failed by family.
Failed by friends.
Failed by society.
Why would you want to live.
Your only goal is reaching the end.
The end to this horrible fight inside.
So you make the choice that you would rather die.
But then comes anger.
Even for complete strangers.
Feeling as though you shouldn't have had to live this life.
The resentment towards others make you so angry inside.
You want the whole world to die.
To feel the pain that you never wanted.
Having no idea why out of all,
You were chosen to be the haunted.
But haunted by what?
Or maybe that its just you were born with no luck.
A sitting suck.
People cant understand because they either choose not to,
Or they could never understand,
Because that kind of daily pain is something they have never gone through.
Ignorance is not always bliss.
When something so horrible is the outcome of this.
Theres people dying inside everyday that we miss.
That's why its so important to extend a hand.
Approach a stranger.
To give love.
Try to be a loyal friend.
Some people are sadly born into lives where there just is no love.
Without receiving, there is no chance of giving.
No dreams, So there's no believing.
Believing in a better life.
That there actually is a choice.
That you don't have to live in that dark place.
That its ok to use your voice.
I was this troubled kid.
The difference:
I would never think i have a say in who dies and who lives.
I'm thankful I found a few of those hands.
People who do truly love me.
Best friends.
Remember not all are as lucky as we are.
Spending every night,
Peering through a telescope.
Just wishing on stars.
Having little hope.
For a better life.
The struggle is endless.
As they load their riffle.
Desperate for an early end.
They have nothing to lose.
They feel there is no love.
No family.
No friends.
I can only imagine what was going through his head.
Even in the end,
He is left with nothing.
Or nobody.
Hated.
Still.
That's why no matter how desperate,
You don't change Gods will.
No matter how hard it is.
You find a way to fight everyday.
Find courage.
To find the will to live.
Find faith.
In this end,
You might die, Still feeling this way.
But the point is,
By doing such horrific things,
You're left stuck in the middle.
In purgatory.
Going through purification.
You don't win either way.
You have to go so deep inside you're own heart.
Even while searching through the pitch black of the dark.
There seems to be not enough light,
To help you find what you need to end the fight.
I truly believe if you want something bad enough you will find a way.
A solution.
Always.
Find what you need to solve your own problems.
Stop blaming "them".
You can create your own destiny.
You are the only person who can make you happy.
Spend as many days you can laughing.
Keep moving at all costs.
Even if you're crawling.
Believe that there are people who actually do care.
When it comes to life,
Play truth or dare.
Answers to your questions are everywhere.
Instead of focusing on others,
Don't wait for them to care,
Don't worry about your attire.
Your crooked teeth.
Or the length of your hair.
Worry soley about your heart.
Make your best effort to pull it apart.
And then leave it open.
You'd be surprised what is allowed in.
Causing you to grow tremendously.
Personally.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Mentally.
Sometimes as much as you'd like,
You cant save everybody.
Love is locked by hatred.
Understanding is the key.

* There is nothing wrong with professional help. It saved my life.
I don't in anyway agree or support any actions of violence.
Don't be afraid to believe you are worth happiness, love, and living a beautiful life.
Get help if you need it and don't ever be afraid to ask or reach out to someone.

Stranger Or Angel? 8/13

Today is a new beginning.
In every sense.
Funny how a meeting with a stranger,
By chance,
Happens to change your entire life.
Almost like they reached in and gently switched out your eye sight.
Once green.
Now the brightest blue you have ever seen.
Not just your eyes,
Suddenly now everything is different.
Your entire being feels it.
Now breathes it.
See's it.
The true meaning of life that is.
The unappreciated beauty and people.
All around you.
Thing's that sit right in front of your face.
But become opaque because of the disarray.
The chaos of daily life.
Pause.
As often as you can.
And look around.
Block out every sound.
Lift your head from the ground.
The sun can almost always change a frown.
Or lift you up when you're depressed and down.
Even when you see clouds,
Remember not everything is what it seems.
For all you know,
Those clouds are deceiving.
Blocking your dreams from being achieved.
Find your way through them.
Through the fog and through the blur.
Even when you're lost,
Don't feel discouraged.
In those moments,
Stop and remember these strangers.
These Angels.
These electric eyes.
Take a deep breath and refuse to die while still being alive.
There are moments when you need to press pause and find the cause.
To the disarray.
The universe has something It's clearly trying to relay.
9 out of 10 times,
I already know what you're going to find.
What you're going to say.
When you really stop to look at the problems you feel you have,
If you just appreciate the good,
You'll feel a sense of joy and feel overwhelming happy and glad.
I know from experience that wallowing in your own pain,
Leaves you with all these rambling words to say.
Extra un needed heart ache.
At the end of your day,
Look back,
Find the good,
And be appreciative like you should.
Acknowledging pain is necessary.
In the disarray,
You find It's not as bad as it seems.
You'll be ok.
This was just one bad day.
There is things in life we don't have control of.
But some we do.
Nobody is in charge of your life,
But YOU.
 

The Universe Is Screaming 8/21/13

I step into a safe capsule.
Almost like I'm stepping into your arms.
A place filled with unicorns.
And childhood love.
Things that don't seem to exist when you're an adult.
Something inside scream you were meant from up above.
Something screams at me to chase you.
Love you.
Never leave you.
Despite how painful it ever is.
Something inside tells me this is it.
The missing key to my set.
The person I could never forget.
Because I gave them my entire heart.
There's something invisible that keeps us from parting.
You're the only thing glowing in the dark.
We've missed something.
Or the exact opposite.
It hasn't happened yet.
I knew it the second I looked into your eyes.
When we met when we were ten.
My best friend.
To this day.
After telling you how I really feel at twenty four,
I'm running out of words to say.
It's like getting to the best part of a great book,
Turning the page,
And they are all empty and blank.
Nothing more said.
You have to go back and check for more words another day.
Waiting almost becomes painful and frustrating.
At first Its an adventure.
Almost exciting.
But then day by day,
The light starts to fade.
You'll never make it home before home nightfall.
You're scared.
In the dark.
With no one to call.
No nobody to help.
Challenged with being alone in this terrifying moment.
To see what you're made of.
All of the sudden your own being starts glowing.
Reluctantly you keep walking this path.
Rustling in the bushes brings upon fear.
You're constantly wondering if you should turn back.
But instead you keep walking this dark path.
Eventually you've walked so far there is no point in a return.
This journey,
Changed you inevitably.
Now you just need that key.
For at one point,
You will reach a door.
Hands shaking while you reach for it with keys in hand.
Not sure if you want to open it and see more.
The unknown can be crippling.
One chance.
One life.
With a time frame.
To get it all right.
Because on this dark path,
That's all it takes.
Is one innocent wrong turn.
Now you're walking barefoot.
Straight to a cliff.
For a world of hurt.
When just around the corner behind that door,
Was the person of your dreams.
Waiting.
Glowing.
With a hand extended.
Reaching for yours with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
All of the sudden,
Here comes that world of fantasy and make believe.
Like we are avatars.
Living in a dream.
A galaxy.
Away from everyone.
There is no other form of travel.
You've come too far.
When you had opened that door,
EYWA.
The most beautiful light you've ever seen.
In order to experience this,
You in fact have to be dreaming.
Sleeping.
In a catatonic state.
Because by the time you realize Its only a dream,
Suddenly,
Everything changes.
Everything you're seeing.
This beautiful place that you're existing in,
Is being bulldozed.
Clearing ever single tree.
All you want to do is wake up and hit the snooze.
For just five more minutes of this incredible fantasy.
But you cant be late.
Because then you're the one who loses.
Don't wait for fate.
 

Control Yourself 8/17/13

That moment right before you cry.
Where you can feel right heart aching.
Your breath is fast.
You're panting.
Your eyes start watering.
Uncontrollably because you're so emotional.
Hurt.
Sad.
Mad.
Angry.
Upset.
Alone.
Confused.
Feeling like you've just been physically abused.
Sick.
Ill.
In need of Advil.
For your pounding headache.
Sleep for your heart ache.
Food for your soul.
Friends to console.
In times of need.
When love drops you to your knee's.
In potions where the universe is screaming.
Pray to me.
Believe in me.
Begging for you to listen to your heart.
Even if you are scared.
Walking alone in the cold and in the dark.
No directions.
It seems so long.
So many miles.
So far.
All to have you trip and fall,
Get lost and lose your way.
Your heart is being built like a mosaic.
Sturdy pieces of beautiful glass and tiles.
Representing each time its been broken.
Imagine it in the light.
When its lit up.
So vibrant.
So colorful.
Like rainbows of feelings.
Experiences.
Voices.
Notes.
Float around in your head until you lay down to go to bed.
You're lucky if they even stop then.
I tend to dream.
Fall in love with the make believe.
Just because it exists for some,
Doesn't mean it will exist for you.
Some are different.
It's harder to "fit in".
To find the right fit for the shoe.
I don't know if I ever will.
I don't know if I want to.
Maybe I'm just meant to be free.
From those moments of being dropped to your knees.
Some aren't strong enough.
Rich enough,
To rebuild after the fire.
The blaze.
Things will never be the same.
They'll never be ok.
Everything is charred and ruined from the gallons of water.
Sometimes there is nothing to repair.
You just have to walk away in tears.
Re-build from the ground up.
Call it pessimistic.
I call it realistic.
People are human.
Mistakes are bound.
The repair depends on how profound.
If it tipped your scales to far.
Causing you to crash and burn.
Now there is no trust.
No safe and sound.
You might as well be buried 6 feet deep in the ground.
Dig, claw, climb your way out of there like Its life or death.
Because in fact it is.
You're wasting precious time.
Get out.
Catch your breath.
And run.
Run until you feel like you're having a heart attack.
Never look back.
Find a safe haven to find yourself again.
Don't lose control.
Take control.
Before everything is spinning out of control.
Destined to crash.
If the crash occurs,
Pray for your life.
That you'll be lucky enough to make it out alive.
Still capable of comfortably surviving.


 

Have A Little Faith 8/13

When it comes to relationships with people,
Magnetic pulls are the most dangerous.
The ones with blind faith and undeserved trust.
You think you're in love.
When all it is in fact, is pure lust.
Your eyes and heart are being filled with stars.
So bright they're reflecting.
All the dreams you've ever believed.
Not for one moment do you think you're being deceived.
Just feeling this love and living this dream.
Without a care.
Without a worry.
Even though lies are methodically slipping out,
Slipping through their teeth.
I'm oblivious because this love has made me naive.
Made me vulnerable and weak.
Dependant on this new best friend.
Sharing personal thoughts, experiences, and wishes.
All to have you disappear.
The shock makes me unable to accept it.
In this second,
In this moment.
No more fields of wildflowers.
Now nothing but anger is growing.
Like a pesky weed.
I feel like I'm on fire.
Like I'm glowing.
Amber orange.
These positive thoughts are being forged.
Playing make believe,
Never ending fairy tales,
And prince charming's,
Leaves you sick, Pale, And frail.
Like you're lucky to find a cure to your rare disease.
In order for your body body to accept it,
It has to fit perfectly or your body will reject it.
Risking death for a chance to live.
Kind of like your fragile heart you choose to willingly give.
Without the guarantee of it being accepted.
Just like with life,
It may be taken for granted.
It may be stolen,
And lost for you to find on purpose.
Because its not about the destination.
Its about the journey.
So be careful what you wish for.
You may just receive.
It could be beautiful.
Or a painful relief.
A lesson meant to teach.
A barrier to breach.
In the middle of a class 5 rapid,
A branch to reach.
To open your eyes.
Appreciate.
That at the end of each day,
You get what you truly need.
Everything's going to be ok.
So if you nothing left.....Keep your faith.
Hold onto a reason to believe.
 

Free To Be Me 6/13

Hope resides in the smallest corner inside of me.
Every truth is distorted.
Hard to believe.
The feeling of wanting to run creates anxiety.
My mind is clustered with insanity.
Over thinking everything when I lay my head down at night.
It begins again in the morning before I even open my eyes.
My seemingly perfect self image creates expectations.
Boundaries.
I want to shave my head.
Be free.
Let my hair fall to the floor along with every tear.
Walk away with my head held high.
Leaving them there.
On the floor where they belong.
Not on my face.
I don't care anymore if I win this rat race.
I'm doing me at any and all costs.
No strings.
No masters.
I'm the boss.
I say how it goes from now on.
I'll show you more than you ever believed,
Past these straight teeth and this blonde.
I bet as you're reading this it feels like a song.
And I guess you could say that.
Regardless, I'm getting it out.
Like I'm spitting tacks.
Nails without a doubt.
Seems as if I'm derailing.
But its in fact the exact opposite.
I'm clearing my thoughts.
Crossing T's.
Dotting I's I forgot.
Remembering who I truly am.
The minute the pen reaches my hand.
These thoughts are pouring out on paper,
Like its going to be the only thing to save me later.
To remember my journey.
Keep the peace.
Feel the harmony.
Listen to the melodies.
This is my remedy.
My crazy pill.
The sunshine that is always waiting over the hill.
I let go.
Even for seconds.
Stepping foot off the airplane at extreme altitudes.
Flying.
Falling
Free.
Not every time is a perfect landing.
But the minute its over you want to do it again.
Why?
Because you felt completely alive.

Not Today 7/13

My heart is racing.
My palms are sweating.
I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
Delirious.
A little numb.
Wondering whats to come of this appointment.
Just one more day.
One more specialist.
Praying it doesn't once again end in disappointment.
Maybe there's a good reason Ive chosen o live my life for others.
Always feeling alone.
Sick.
And smothered.
I always thought it was the ugly world that took my breath away.
Making it hard to breathe.
But maybe It's not.
Maybe I'm not as immune as I thought I was.
Maybe a real sickness is the cause.
Making me feel as if I'm dying every single day.
Talking and moving so fast people can't understand me.
I never seem to run out of words to say.
Preaching,
Teaching so desperately and I'm not even sure why I care so much if you hear me.
Maybe this life even in waking state was so miserable,
Especially when I sleep,
To make me the strongest I could be.
Because I never could have known this could happen to me.
I should know.
Considering how Ive chosen to live my life.
It doesn't matter what age,
We all die.
But why speed the process?
I was careless.
Thoughtless.
Didn't think about how one day I would have a daughter one day.
And maybe leave her motherless.
An orphan.
Leave her to possibly grow to have the same feelings I had.
Thankful she has her dad.
But nothing can replace the person who gave you life.
I don't want to die.
Just when that thought is processed,
And a system is set in place,
It's all erased.
Fading.
With every word they are speaking.
Saying.
Poking,
Prodding.
To find their own answers.
TO questions that are necessary.
To come to a conclusion that I'm not delusional.
I'm not crazy.
Something inside is in fact literally eating me alive.
Beating me.
Failing me.
You can try hard as you might,
But you might not have all the weapons you need to win this fight.
I just want to breathe normally.
I want to wake up everyday and see the light.
I pray to God it is not my time.
I'm not ready to go just yet.
I'm not ready to have to fight for my life.
I will never again take life for grated.
Or be so naive and underestimate,
What a true fight,
Consists of.
Hold your family close.
The only thing good in this world,
Is LOVE.

Into The Wild 6/13

Standing in the open.
I can breathe.
I see blue above me.
All around me,
It's green.
So beautiful.
This moment makes it almost seem as if the bad doesn't exist.
It doesn't desperately make me want to search for doors.
For any exit.
I feel peaceful.
I feel sober.
I feel calm and somber.
I smell fire.
I hear water.
Sitting right next to me,
My daughter.
Witnessing this with me.
Appreciating it just the same.
Because the same blood runs through our veins.
I hear birds.
Talking. Chirping. Singing.
In the distance,
I just heard a dog barking.
I like to write about these moments in my life.
As letters.
Even after I die.
I want to be remembered.
Forever.
I want to write more about the good moments in my life.
Instead of the bad.
For when I need to look back.
And then I wont have to without feeling sad.
In these private moments,
These words are all I have.
To keep myself lifted.
To feel like I don't need to depend on another.
When I do,
It always has a way of making me feel smothered.
I want to be alone.
I want to be free.
Like Alexander SuperTramp.
Into the wild is where I need to be.
At peace.
With just the simple beauty.
Without the people that create hardships and struggles in your life.
Northern lights.
Alaskan skies.
The most beautiful place on planet Earth.
And what's the saddest part?
I've never even been.
It's just something I feel so passionately from within.
Maybe because I'm craving oxygen.
It's hard to breathe living in the city.
The sky scrapers that block the sun rise.
The sirens, Trains, And Plains.
Garbage. Trash. Rats.
It makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.
Living an automatic existence.
Is never ok.
Fight the resistence.
Look deep inside and remember what you dreamed of as a child.
Remember playing outside.
In the woods, Filthy city, Or in the wild.
What is the definition of fun, To you?
Play your music loud.
Whether It's country, Rock, Hip hop, Classical, Or the Blues.
It always has a way of bringing out the joy in you.
Think in your head everyday,
That today is your last day to live.
Tomorrow you'll be dead.
It will bring a force from within you didn't even know existed.
You will not only think of how your wallets getting thin.
Cash is what makes this life go so fast.
Slow it down.
One day you're throwing your cap, wearing a gown.
The next you're watching children of your own do the same.
They are leaving you now.
Because they are grown.
And your time is now fastly running out.
You begin a mid life crisis full of doubt.
Before you get to roads that are much more traveled,
Maybe we should all take a look from this world in an opposite position.
Doesn't it seem so shallow?
And lifeless.
Breathless.
Worthless.
Teach your children how life truly should be lived.
Not just when you're a kid.
 

Love Sick 6/13

Love.
What a joke.
Nothing but a loss of control.
Choking you.
Until you puke.
The good moments,
Don't outweigh the pain of the heartache from bad ones.
They leave you feeling completely numb.
Gone.
Hating life.
They put a beautiful ring on your left hand.
Claiming you like property.
As a "Wife".
When most day's are more than a struggle.
The longest strides.
Afraid of liars.
Or the opposite.
Totally innocent.
And naive.
Believing,
In this fairytale ending.
Like Cinderella and her glass slipper.
When in reality It's your night gown and slippers.
Living everyday for everyone but yourself.
Tearing yourself into pieces trying to make it work.
When inside,
You're hiding how much it hurts.
Because you're mom.
There is no one else to lean on.
Having to become a solid rock.
Almost as cold as stone at times.
Just to make it through the struggles in this life.
Where you're trying to be the perfect wife.
The perfect mother.
When you're the one who feels smothered.
Like you're drowning.
And then here comes another prince charming.
Promising promises that were never meant to be kept.
Kissing and cuddling in the morning after you've slept.
Checking in to see how your day is going.
Making you feel as if you matter.
With what they are displaying. Offering. Showing.
And then one day your phone doesn't ring.
Days go by and suddenly you feel an urge to cry.
To question yourself.
To wonder why.
I thought you were a good guy.
They are like one in a million.
Disguised.
Driving Subaru's and Mustangs.
Like white stallions.
Leaving trails of pain everywhere they race.
And then crazy gets thrown in your face.
Whats wrong with you?
Why do you have a heart?
Why do you have feelings?
I thought we meant no strings?
I thought I could use you.
Emotionally abuse you.
Mind fuck you.
Then leave you.
Why is that not ok?
I don't care what you have to say.
It's just me.
My life.
Fuck your feelings right?
No.
Fuck you!
For everything you put girls like me through.
I didn't need to be stuck to you like glue.
I choose to.
Believing in what you were deceiving.
Like a panther stalking the weak.
Like I'm cattle.
Like I'm sheep.
Sometimes even forcefully putting me to sleep.
Like I'm yours to keep.
Like you can do whatever you want with me.
I hate some men at times.
Pigs.
They eat women just as similar as pigs with their food.
No limits.
No standards.
Taking a break after literally getting sick.
I will never again believe in a man.
Or in love.
If I love myself enough,
I will never need it from another.
And I will never again have to feel these feelings.
Or lay underneath a man using me.
Making me feel completely smothered.
I'm stronger than I believe to be.
Because I'm a mother.
I have no choice but to be.
So please,
Painfully watch me walk away and leave.
Leave you,
Standing here like a fool.

Elements 3/13

The elements of Earth,
Are similar to emotions.
Earth, Air, Fire, Water.
Like your life.
When your suffering.
The Earth is when things are out of your control.
Air is when its taken from you.
Making it harder to breath.
Fire is when inside your burning.
From pain, Anger, Hurting.
And water is for every tear that has fallen from your face.
Living in such harsh enviorments,
You learn a way to adapt.
Under different circumstances,
It's not always how you would,
Or should normally react.
The sun never stays forever.
There is bound to be bad weather.
No matter where you reside,
Its all a matter of how you deal with it on the inside.
Sometimes choices mean life or death.
Holding so tight onto what little you have left.
Nothing can make you feel open,
Feel free.
Not even the jaws of life can bring a release.
You have to dig deep.
To find meaning.
In everything.
From finding yourself,
Or the weather that mother nature has dealt.
Even if its a slow moving storm,
Its soon to pass.
Hold hope like its one of your precious belongings.
Embrace the impact,
After falling.
Never let it hurt you for nothing.
Learn.
Stop fighting.
Stop running.
You can't outrun mother nature on foot.
Your answers are there,
Covered in black soot.
Blow it away.
Discover what that inner voice is trying to say.
And then listen to it.
To understand a language,
You don't need to be totally fluent.
Bits and pieces can eventually get you to come to a conclusion.
Telling yourself you'll get through it,
Is not enough.
You have to put in work to keep up.
Even when you're completely out of breath.
You're entire body is aching.
When you literally feel like death.
You have to push through.
Because just over that hill,
The sunrise is waiting for you.
Appreciate the dry days like you do when the sun comes.
Because before you know it,
It will start snowing.
The coldest winter you've ever experienced.
Paying the consequence.
For not being prepared.
Stepping outside,
You're frozen solid by the freezing air.
No chance of defrosting until summer is once again here.
Open your eyes.
Open your heart.
Open your ears.
Let the element of wind,
Blow away your fears.
Fight that fire with every tear that you've cried.
Don't ever let water go to waste.
For once,
Maybe if you fight,
You'll discover you can live with a dry face.
And maybe for once,
Everything will finally be ok.

The Ugly Duckling 3/13

Raindrops like acid.
You hate yourself.
So you're fasting.
Casting a spell of punishment upon yourself.
Conducting your own train to hell.
Somewhere along the line,
Your mind was infected.
With some sort of virus.
Your skin is burning.
Like its suffering from psoriasis.
Hives head to toe.
From stress.
Its all over your body.
Making you feel as if everyone notices.
Your reflection is like a tiger in full pounce,
Coming straight for your face.
You are your own worse critic.
To yourself, You're a disgrace.
With the most hideous face.
Despite the blond hair and straight teeth.
Inside, inside your mind,
You feel crazy.
You feel different.
You feel ugly.
You feel far from heaven sent.
At times,
You feel like the devil lives inside your soul.
You're afraid of everything.
Especially growing old.
Running out of time.
Being left behind.
Never obtaining the love you need.
Living in a zoo.
Never free.
Far from society.
It kills your soul.
If your dimensions aren't Barbie's,
You look awful.
You cant wear white,
Because it becomes stained brown.
From all of that bronzer,
To try and change your frown.
Little do you know,
You hold that needed key.
To release you free to be who you're literally dying to be.
Your acceptance is the key.
Forgiveness comes next.
For allowing yourself to fail.
To not always be the best.
Admitting you don't have all the answers,
Makes you humble.
In life,
You are meant to hurt, trip, fall, stumble.
If there is no pain, There is nothing to gain.
Without your humility,
You're living in vane.
Spend your time wisely.
Stop worrying about your outward beauty.
Focus on what matters.
The inward beauty.
And always remember,
You hold the key to unlock those shackles around your feet to break free.
Run as far as you can......

Something More 5/13

What I'm learning is amazing.
It's like watching a meteor shower.
While star gazing.
Overwhelmingly beautiful.
At times, Excruciatingly painful.
Every road is meant to be traveled.
Rock, Dirt, Gravel, Or asphalt.
There's a reason for every down fall.
I feel amazed that I am breathing air at this moment.
In fact, Despite the pain, I'm glowing.
Receiving is only worth it when giving it in return.
It's like a gift in itself.
Lessons learned.
From people you choose to pick up,
Or keep by your side.
Throughout this thing we call life.
It's so much more than life in fact.
This body is the only one you've had.
Though you've had many souls before this.
Some happy.
Some angry.
Some sad.
I feel we are put back into this cycle,
To finish unfinished business from a life that was ended before it was ready.
Too heavy of a burden to bury.
So its born again.
To live again.
To learn again.
What keeps me curious,
Is why we are built up to be the best we can be for.
Is it golden gates.
Or just another door.
It is for wings to fly free.
Or a decision to make when you're handed a key.
Do you return again, To help.
Or find your own peace.
So that you can "rest", Finally.
I'm choosing to embrace everything I hate in this life.
To find some sort of peace of mind.
I'm no longer going to stay silent.
When words are meant to be spoken.
No longer going to let my life be violent.
Like a horror film.
I'm going to love myself.
Respect myself.
Help people with similar hands dealt.
Because I will never forget how it felt.
To feel so alone in such a crazy world.
To feel helpless.
Just being one girl.
The next time I hear water running through a stream,
Buried in an enchanted Forrest,
I'm going to mentally record it.
Appreciate it.
Love it.
The smallest moments in life,
Can build the overall bigger picture.
If you pay attention.
Your eyes always in motion.
Your heart open.
Your mind free.
From the lies told by our society.
You'll find your purpose,
Eventually.
Have faith.
Believe.
That there is something more.

JUMP 11/12/12

Feelings that aren't pleasant,
Will eat you alive.
When you have to hold it all back.
Keep it all inside.
It's bound to come out whether you like it or not.
It's explosive.
It's a fight you should have never fought.
It feel repulsive.
One moment has the capability of ruining your whole lives.
If you don't stop to think.
Maybe even think twice.
When you have children or give you heart away,
It's no longer just your life.
Just about you.
Putting them through the ringer.
Through and through.
It's not fair.
It's not right.
This isn't the way to a happy life.
To have a dream.
A family.
A wife.
Everything you think you know is completely wrong.
But it's the only thing you know.
What you've thought was the way all along.
To love is to respect,
Is to appreciate, is to hold sacred.
When you start taking things for granted,
It all starts fading.
What you want.
What you fight for everyday.
All the times you say to yourself,
It's all just gonna be ok.
But it doesn't work that way.
In order to achieve out of life what you deserve,
First you must serve.
Put in and drive that extra mile.
Do things for no purpose just to see her smile.
That smile is the same face as your son.
Go back to the beginning,
Where it all had just begun.
The innocence simplified it all.
No dark corners.
No pain.
No downfalls.
Happiness.
Pure bliss.
Butterflies with every kiss.
Even thinking of them now,
I'm sure it's something you forgot that you miss.
In order to solve a problem,
First you must understand it.
The only way you'll understand it,
Is to except it and change it.
Plant your foot down in the ground.
Decide who you want to be.
And then do everything humanly possible to succeed.
Never let life take out your feet.
In times of need,
It's ok to rest on your knees.
To catch your breath.
Life isn't always about being the very best.
It's about the journey you take and the ultimate tests.
Those tests build your character.
Your strength.
They are like your oxygen tank.
Life is full of hard moments sadly,
and if you don't find a way to deal with it,
Eventually you'll go mad.
Turning into a beast who's on fire.
You're fighting a fight that you never even started.
Everything you use to try and put it out,
Is fire retardant.
Like a child who's trapped and still filed with desires.
Who is looking for love before that love expires.
Not knowing how to express emotions in a right way.
So one little thing can ruin your whole day.
Tearing yourself up inside on a daily basis.
Because you're living in a crisis.
And nobody knows it.
They seem to be oblivious.
You're afraid of risks.
Wanting to scream as loud as you can,
In an over populated room.
Because of everything you're going through.
Feeling alone.
Cold.
Isolated.
And a bit jaded.
The only way until now to deal with it was to get faded.
Now that's changed and you're at a crossroads.
Now you need to choose your road,
Trust your gut, and follow.
You don't have to be a thousand people in one.
Clean your closets.
So there's nothing more to run from.
Every time life kicks you in the face,
Imagine your sons.
You have the strength of a million men.
And the heart of a warrior.
Times ten.
Never ever let anyone or anything make you feel inferior.
I don't know if someones ever told you something for the interior.
So i am telling you now.
You're important.
You're special.
and you're more than loved.
There's nothing you could ever do,
To make me give up.
Like always, You're ten steps ahead.
But I'm walking right behind you.
Ive been learning as you lead.
Letting mistakes be what teaches me.
Like removing stains.
It bleaches.
In making your own mistakes,
You saved a life.
Mine.
And for that, I will return the favor.
Find you and bring you back to the light.
Show you things from my path.
Learned form others that saved my life.
The Ora should lighten the darkest room.
There's no time limit on finding you.
When you're ready to jump,
I'll jump with you.
Hand in hand.
I will be right there until you once again, Land.
On the grounds of new beginnings.
Paradise. Sand.
Two new feet with a pair of shoes that are name brand.
Feeling fresh.
Feeling new.
I couldn't end this poem without staying true to you.
I love you.

 

Little Faces 3/12

Little faces are the most beautiful.
So innocent.
So genuine.
So amazingly true.
They constantly carry the skies that are blue.
Smiles that could never be replaced.
laughter filling the air.
Their thing's scattered everywhere.
Living without a care.
Dora blaring in your ear.
To them, They rarely feel fear.
They just love with every breath.
They fully live until there is nothing left.
Falling asleep in a plate full of food.
Because they don't want to miss anything.
Life is too good.
Quiet voices or lungs that are clearly large.
Hear them quietly chatting.
Or screaming far afar.
Things that are so simple,
But bring happiness.
Like a swing at a park.
Just being outside.
It's where they feel mostly alive.
Because they feel free.
Unlike the society they live in.
Eventually life comes to a point,
Where society itself is what robs the innocence.
The enchanting essence.
Of something untainted.
Something absolutely beautiful.
They've been picked apart as they grew.
What's wrong, What's right, What's ok, And what not to do.
Their brains may still not be fully developed.
But don't let that fool you.
If you were smart,
You would recognize how much they can teach you.
Almost like each others guide.
Balancing a scale.
The scale of life.
Not the Cinderella fairy tale.
They say "Let children, be children".
Because we all know what society creates in the end.
A worn out, Tired soul.
Bitter once you become old.
Life is no longer your favorite ride at Disneyland.
Your head is no longer buried in the sand.
What you feel is the weight of the world.
While being married with 2 boys and 1 girl.
You have more than one job.
The home you never have time for,
Makes you seem like a slob.
The pressure to not become a statistic,
Or a family living off of assistance,
Is what causes these great resistances.
To be how we were born to be.
Love each other.
And live free.
Don't ever be tied down by this sick society.
You're an individual for a reason.
Don't let your Government take away your positive believing.
Educate yourself about the world you live in.
No just the United States.
You ask me why?
I already have too much on my plate.
Because those moments where you feel pure compassion for another soul,
Even half way across the world,
Are moments that you unknowingly instill in your little boys and girls.
Which inevitably, Can save the world.
Love.
Love is the answer to every question you have in life.

Best Friends Came To A Quick End 11/13

The thoughts that people keep inside their heads,
Is sometimes hurtful.
Feels like death.
When words coming flowing as fast and as hot as lava.
One tiny thing,
Brings it all up.
After holding harsh thoughts buried inside their heart.
You are the one who's left feeling alone and in the dark.
Feeling confused.
With an ego that is bruised.
How is it that people are so quick to point a finger,
Or pass a judgement,
When they, too, are stuck in cement.
There is not one person on planet earth who is doing everything right.
We all make mistakes.
We all rest our heads at night.
To think that you are much different from somebody else,
Is an ignorant thought.
I hope that ice around your heart suddenly melts.
I hope that when you are old and grey.
You will have many stories to tell.
As that would mean, You actually lived your life.
Made it through the endless fight.
With battle scars to show your efforts.
Wrinkles everywhere.
Looking whetherd.
Feeling completely exhausted.
But completely satisfied.
You are the one who made it.
You didn't die inside.
And when you cross over,
I hope that he decided you're good enough to keep with him.
Instead of living in the middle.
Going through purification.
People can say all the hurtful things they want to.
But you know who you are.
What you do and what a daily basis is like for you.
So let them talk.
Talk until they can't breath.
Little do they know,
You could have been there release.
Only staying for so long,
And being so involved,
To make sure every single person felt loved.
Call it shit talking or destroying lives.
The journey is never easy.
It's thick until you get to the other side.
I know in my heart who I am.
So I take your judgements.
But what happens next is....BAM.
There gone.
No longer in my thought process.
Because I never thought I was a princess.
But to hear you tear apart the person I am,
Really says a lot about the person you aren't.
Maybe people really do hate you fro being beautiful.
It's something they could never do.
Being beautiful isn't about having a pretty face or a banging body.
It's about living everyday to help somebody.
So the next time you find yourself thinking of nasty thoughts,
Just know before they come out of your mouth,
Trying to tear someone down,
Will leave you behind.
Left in the forgotten.
If you think you knew,
I will show you what you want to see.
Nothing of the beautiful parts of me.
I wasn't a flea trying to suck on your worthless blood.
I was a friend.
A sister.
I thought I was loved.
Your hurtful words will never hurt me again.
Because I now know,
That you were never my best friend.
 

Conflicted 12/12

Love can be conflicted.
At times it can seem so vicious.
Factious.
Alluring, But mysterious.
Strong, Warm, Kind, Divine.
Sometimes all at the same time.
it can bring you to the darkest places.
When you close your eyes,
That's the only way now to see their faces.
Time ends.
Your spirit never does.
You cant see them.
But they are right there,
Your loved ones.
Then there's the love that is as white as dove.
As pure as freshly fallen snow.
When your heart starts falling,
You want everyone to know.
You want everyone to be happy.
There are so many different kinds.
Like the love a child gets from her mommy or daddy.
Also like the love you have for your babies.
No matter how scared you are,
Its at every single corner.
In every single face.
It's the air we breath.
It's all over the place.
Then, There is the sick love.
The kind that restricts your breathing.
And grabs you from behind.
It's the one that in your mind,
You know isn't right.
Because it doesn't feel right.
It feels wrong.
For one reason or another.
Sometimes its best to get away.
Move along.
Take whats yours and leave the rest.
The bad is what creates the best.
In you.
So don't be afraid of the next test.
The next fall without a parachute.
This is life.
Not an execution.
You will be fine.
In time...
When the right love comes along,
You'll know it.
Because your not just glowing.
There's literally a fire inside that's been lit.
This love makes you want to be the best possible.
The lead role.
To set an example.
And then run.
As fast as you possibly can.
until you die.
Never give up until you forever close your eyes.
Make more of an effort than "try".
Thinking of it now,
Makes me want to cry.
Because lets face it.
It is so scary.
Even knowing its right.
Because you have to give this person everything.
Your heart.
Your soul.
Your life.
In hopes,
That this great gift of true love is respected.
That you love me.
Unconditionally.
Accept me.
Encourage me.
That you'll always be true and protect me.
Protect my heart.
If it ends,
There will be a permanent scar.
But.....What if it doesn't?
What if I could live my whole life,
With my best friend.
What if he was true.
Until we die.
Until the end.
What if he loved me like I was the only girl in the world.
What if he made me smile everyday.
Without ever saying a word.
What if when he kissed me,
I felt butterflies.
Every time.
What if there was a mutual respect.
And he never told lies.
What if he never intentionally made me cry.
I could live forever not knowing if I didn't try.
So walk to that ledge.
feel the gravel under your feet.
Your unsturdy stance.
Your shaking hands.
Your shirt is wet, From sweat.
Breath through those million breaths per minute.
You're larger than you believe.
Stronger.
Smarter.
Not so small.
So walk to that ledge.
Feet together.
Arms out.
Close your eyes.
Smile and fall.

If Ever A Time, The Time Is NOW 3/13

Do you ever stop to realize,
That just maybe you have a purpose.
That all the pain you have ever felt,
Is worth it.
That without the feelings of utter sadness,
And the never endless madness,
You would never be able to fully appreciate happiness.
That without the downfalls,
Filled with the heaviest rainfall,
There would never be any sun or rainbows at all.
Those day's your skin is warm,
From the burning hot sun,
Are so peaceful.
No running.
No anxiety
Just swimming.
BBQ'S.
Families.
Togetherness.
Forever suddenly begins.
I've been on the other side.
When life is at it's end.
I should have died.
So many times.
With each time of my life being spared.
I'm starting to see.
That I don't need to be scared.
I need to make a difference.
I need to share these experience's.
In hopes,
It's someone else's last hope.
When they can't hold on anymore.
At the end of their rope.
Words of wisdom bring light to life.
A path to share.
A way to show someone,
There's more to learn.
More to see out there.
that some people,
Do actually care.
Look at an object for too long.
Stare.
You'll start to see much more than a simple object sitting there.
Your mind expands.
In enters, Logic.
Your mind in a sense,
Is like how it was when you were ten.
Imagination isn't lost.
And you remember who you really are.
That you haven't been forgotten.
Sometimes that's all it takes.
Is to truly open your eyes.
Or come so close to death,
That you know just how lucky you are to be alive.
Letting spirits come through my soul.
To write these words.
When it's over,
I fly away feeling like a free bird.
Above it all.
Above the clouds.
Sitting on top of the world.
Alone.
But no longer a lonely, scared, girl.
From the moment I seen that light,
Just this past Friday night,
My eye's suddenly opened.
Wider than ever before.
At that moment,
I was once again re-born.
Today, I know what it's like,
To feel truly alive inside.
This is my apology.
For ever wanting to die. 

Floating Hearts Popped With Darts 2/13

Breathless.
Feeling helpless.
Tired.
I'm charred, But alive.
Ive just put the fire out.
The burning pain,
Is still making me want to scream in pain.
Hatred, Disgust, Rage, Bleeding in my vanes.
Rainbows, Colors, God,
Is replaying like a movie reel in my brain.
A well oiled machine keep it maintained.
But the thoughts of you are driving me insane.
Like driving through the roughest terrain.
Bouncing up, down, left, right, and back down again.
My head is starting to pound.
I swear when i land, I'm kissing the ground.
Memories flashing fast with every road sign.
Every mile post.
Where the hell are you?
You're gone when I need you the most.
With every inhale of deceivingly seems to be fresh breath,
It's just pushing me closer to my death.
Driving faster and faster hoping to outrun this devil.
Knowing if I stop,
I might as well grab the shovel.
Dig my own grave 6 feet deep.
Lay down and willing go to sleep.
I can't feel the pedals anymore.
My feet are pressed all the way to the floorboard.
Palms sweaty, Fingers tight.
Griping the only thing that's keeping me from death or life.
Racing you.
Forcing you out of my mind.
The only light is coming from my headlights.
Ive never been so scared.
So alone.
In the middle of the night.
You can only run for so long.
Eventually you're gonna run out of gas.
With no money in your pocket,
You're forced to stop.
You're own your own.
Sitting in silence.
Waiting for the violence.
To catch up to you.
In your ear you hear quiet violins.
Head down.
Hair in face.
Tears falling like they are in they're own race.
Landing in your lap.
Settling in your jeans.
The sun is rising.
As you're prepared for this death for your own life.
Prepared to fight.
You wake only to realize,
This time, it was only a dream.
It doesn't stop your heart from beating to fast.
Skipping beats.
As smart as you are,
You know he'll be back tomorrow.
To meet you in your dreams.
In waking state, It's not too much of a difference.
It all seems the same.
You gave a broken girl hope.
And then shattered her soul.
You're right, I am insane.
I'm insane for letting you in when I was 8.
Parasailing until you come back.
Calling my name.
Being the savior that I like to be,
I can't look at you, Who is also broken,
And leave you to the fate of which you left me.
Stranded.
In the largest, Meanest, vast open angry seas.
Artic, Indian, Pacific, Atlantic, terrified and frantic.
The anxiety we share is multiplied by fear.
I wanted to save yours, So I kept them all for me.
Stayed in darkness.
When I could have been in the clear.
Overwhelmed and out of breath.
Ultimately the cause of death;
She died of being broken and lost her soul that sunny day,
When she was 8 years old.
Only elementary.
She could have been so beautiful on the contrary.
Guilty of believing,
A boy could have saved her life.
With that thought, She was then left to die.

Purgatory 11/12

I've spent my whole life wanting to die.
Until now.
I wish to stay alive.
To have what I've always dreamed.
To have my own family.
To be a devoted wife and mother.
Raise my children with a beautiful father.
I used to look at life without its beauty.
Only using ways to get by.
I wasn't seeing birds flying high.
Tree's so green.
Sunny blue skies.
I wasn't seeing that the struggle in life,
Is what makes it worth it.
These are thing's I'd never thought I'd admit.
I found the last puzzle piece.
And it fits.
That puzzle piece is me.
Quoted from a friend.
Every jagged edge.
From memories that built me.
Some I'd like to forget.
Though the intense burn,
Is similar to the twisting of each turn.
When you're in so much pain.
You just want it to stop no matter what the cost.
Feeling confused.
Feeling lost.
Is all part of his plot.
Our life is in our own hands.
Despite his plan.
In control of this narrow road.
Winding so many times your head is turning.
Spinning.
Your suddenly feeling extremely dizzy.
Sometimes we miss roads.
Life becomes to busy.
To stop and take a look inside.
Know who you are and what is that you want before we die.
If your lucky enough to keep up with time.
To dream and look forward to them.
Working 9-5 everyday instead.
For a lousy paycheck.
That barely gets you by.
Forgetting your own dreams.
Feeling hallow inside.
Steel plates forming around your body.
Arms, Legs, Torso, Face.
You're a robot now.
Without a name.
It's never too late to change your fate.
Until your time runs out,
Do what's in your heart without a doubt.
It's the only way to brighter days.
never worry what others may think.
They're looks and judgment will make you heavy.
And eventually sink.
They say we only use half our brains.
Imagine the possibilities.
Take the time to use it.
Exercise it.
Think.
Everyday of clever new ways to help you not stray.
Time is never on our side.
So ask yourself what it truly is that you want before you die.
Find your faith.
Tell your story.
Don't end it with unfinished business.
Or you're likely to live in purgatory.