Not Today 7/13

My heart is racing.
My palms are sweating.
I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
Delirious.
A little numb.
Wondering whats to come of this appointment.
Just one more day.
One more specialist.
Praying it doesn't once again end in disappointment.
Maybe there's a good reason Ive chosen o live my life for others.
Always feeling alone.
Sick.
And smothered.
I always thought it was the ugly world that took my breath away.
Making it hard to breathe.
But maybe It's not.
Maybe I'm not as immune as I thought I was.
Maybe a real sickness is the cause.
Making me feel as if I'm dying every single day.
Talking and moving so fast people can't understand me.
I never seem to run out of words to say.
Preaching,
Teaching so desperately and I'm not even sure why I care so much if you hear me.
Maybe this life even in waking state was so miserable,
Especially when I sleep,
To make me the strongest I could be.
Because I never could have known this could happen to me.
I should know.
Considering how Ive chosen to live my life.
It doesn't matter what age,
We all die.
But why speed the process?
I was careless.
Thoughtless.
Didn't think about how one day I would have a daughter one day.
And maybe leave her motherless.
An orphan.
Leave her to possibly grow to have the same feelings I had.
Thankful she has her dad.
But nothing can replace the person who gave you life.
I don't want to die.
Just when that thought is processed,
And a system is set in place,
It's all erased.
Fading.
With every word they are speaking.
Saying.
Poking,
Prodding.
To find their own answers.
TO questions that are necessary.
To come to a conclusion that I'm not delusional.
I'm not crazy.
Something inside is in fact literally eating me alive.
Beating me.
Failing me.
You can try hard as you might,
But you might not have all the weapons you need to win this fight.
I just want to breathe normally.
I want to wake up everyday and see the light.
I pray to God it is not my time.
I'm not ready to go just yet.
I'm not ready to have to fight for my life.
I will never again take life for grated.
Or be so naive and underestimate,
What a true fight,
Consists of.
Hold your family close.
The only thing good in this world,
Is LOVE.