Wonderland 5/13

I think of you and stumble.
Alice.
Falling into a rabbit hole.
Perspective is distorted.
I suddenly start to think of growing old with you.
Considering everything we've already been through.
I'm stuck to you like crazy glue.
The anxiety that manifests,
From constantly worrying about my very best,
Constricts my breathing.
The whole world starts to seem deceiving.
Seeing is believing.
But that's the problem.
I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Always in a battle with my own brain.
The love you respectfully offer is is vane.
Because I'm always trying to forget your name.
To avoid any pain.
The love I feel is the most intense feeling Ive ever felt.
I feel like an American man standing in a kilt.
I feel embarrassed.
And don't know why.
All of the questions born in my head,
At times makes me want to give up and die.
They eat me alive.
As I sit here and think about dreams of skydiving.
The most beautiful brown eyes.
And the most infectious smile.
All in the meanwhile,
I'm panicking.
Like I'm running out of time.
Speaking of time.
Its never the right time.
Too late usually.
Too early occasionally.
The time in the middle is the most painful.
Never the actually moment of the missed opportunity.
Because then I know I could lose you again at any moment.
For eternity.
My biggest fear.
That you will find her.
Run off into the sunset with the girl of dreams.
Of course Id be happy, For you.
But Id be forever lonely, Without  you.
Because of this and the time in the middle.
My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle.
Or an unsolved riddle.
I go searching for answers that cannot be found.
Again, Here comes time.
Taking away my smile.
Leaving a frown.
Gray skies, Rain clouds, Doubt.
That it will never be solved or figured out.
That I will die missing out on the person of my dreams.
Left with nothing but a fantasy.
That I will have to wait another lifetime.
To see your eyes.
Or see you smile.
If only you knew how I honestly felt.
It would make your heart melt.
In a disbelief of your own.
That you didn't know any of this until we were grown.
When I fell in love for the first time,
I never quit falling.
I'm still falling.
Everyday.
It never goes away.
And for that reason,
Is why I'm still sitting here.
Why I choose to stay.
Even though I know I shouldn't.
Because all good things come to an end.