A Love Note To Teenagers - 4/30/2012

I'm coming undone. I'm falling apart.
It hurts when your coming unglued.
Something hideous is distracting the beautiful view.
It's barely out of your reach.
You try to escape it all by spending a weekend at the beach.
But it doesn't take away the reality of what is real.
If only we could see in ourselves, What others see.
Maybe we wouldn't find ourselves frequently lost needing help.
If only when you are a teenager,
Could you see the importance of appreciating the carelessness while it's there.
But we don't. we want to grow at a rapid pace.
To be adults to do whatever we want.
But what we don't realize is,
That's when the world crawls on your chest and decided it has found it's new home.
For some, This is when they find themselves with a new born, completely alone.
It's when you are forced to deal with pain you never thought could hurt so bad.
It's when you lose your best friend. your parents. or grand dad.
when bills are flying through your mail box like its a scene from harry potter.
When you have to get food stamps to feed your son or daughter.
When college is over, So is the party.
You are about to unexpectedly be smacked in the face with reality.
It's more than hard to swallow.
You literally have to choke it down.
No more proms. Wearing beautiful gowns.
No more size 1 after you bare scars from birthing life.
As a reminder, You are left with stretch marks.
No more barbies and Lego's.
Now a soldier coming home from war.
Missing a limb.
Now life has happened.
You will never ever be who you were back then.
If only we could have listened to the advice being thrown all over the place.
But instead its all about American Eagle and MySpace.
We think we have every answer when we are teenagers.
There is no time to listen.
There is only time for us.
That's when insecurity sets in from broken trust.
That's when people are given complexes.
From anger or from people who feel jealous.
We are jealous because we are all trying to find ourselves.
To find our right paths.
Learning formulas and how they react.
Being taught about our history when its a waste of time.
Because where people like that have gone is a mystery.
People who create such change.
People like Leonardo Da Vinci and Martin Luther King Jr.
People who changed the future.
Now it's all about Justin Beiber.
To care more would be intensely beneficial.
Make a big enough change and they will eventually recognize you.
Making your efforts official.
We need to dream bigger.
Especially when we are children.
Before we are adults.
When everyone tells you that you can't.
When nobody cares anymore.
When nobody listens.
I want to be remembered when I leave this place.
By my full name. Not just by my decent face,
I want my voice to be heard.
I want to write until God has taken my life.
Like I am relaying words he is softly whispering in my ear.
Coming in through me to make sure he is heard.
No dream is too big.
Picture it in your mind.
Creating a visual image.
You have the after life to rest.
So while you're here.
Exhaust yourself.
Push every limit.
Always force yourself to be,
What to you, Is the best.
Make yourself proud.
Nobody else will do that for you.
Work really hard, And God will reward you.
Apologize when your wrong.
Do the right thing.
Don't blame him for taking your son.
When it was the person holding the gun.
The person who interfered with his plan.
I remember when I was a child thinking of these things.
I knew it wasn't normal.
When your a teenager, Choose every step very carefully.
Don't let every mistake, Be the only thing to teach.
Be smart enough to know that your elders know something about life.
Don't always push them away.
Creating distance because your choosing not to listen.
Lost in hormones.
If you are reading this,
Take the advice before the party is over.
Before you have no room for mistakes.
Before you are a parent yourself.
And now, you're completely on your own.

A Womens Worth - 4/30/2012

She works so hard.
It's do or die.
Every day is more then a struggle.
But she continues to give it her best try.
She is a single mother.
Alone with 2 daughters.
She has no help.
She is completely by herself.
She was forced to be this mother before she was even grown.
Maintaining a 2 bedroom apartment.
It's too small of a space.
She feels the need to escape.
It's driving her insane.
She wants to run away.
Step foot on a plane.
She doesn't care the destination.
Just as long as there is no application.
Every breath she is breathing is becoming harder.
She is trying desperately to make up.
For feeling like she is failing her daughters.
One wrong choice was enough to change to direction of her life.
Meeting one of her daughters fathers.
He filled her eyes and heart full of dreams.
Instead decided to turn his back and walk away.
Leaving her stuck in this post traumatic state.
She can't always feel because of how numb she has had to become.
She walks to bus stops everyday.
To try and control the chaos.
To show her daughters, They still have a chance. It's gonna be ok.
She is screaming at the top of her lungs in a crowded room.
Not one head has turned to notice the commotion.
Her chest is so heavy. So tight.
From battling through this struggle. This fight.
From discovering the feeling of emotion again.
I wish I could save her.
Come to the rescue with some kind of magic potion.
All I can continue to do is show her,
I'm ALWAYS going to be her to support her.
I will never leave her behind.
I will pick up the slack of not only dead beat fathers,
But a dead beat grandmother also.
To be the one to scare away the monsters hiding in her closet.
To give what I can. help with her daughters. To be her sister.
No one besides our own family could ever love her like i do.
She is genuine. She's caring, honest, and true.
There is nothing she wouldn't do for you.
I could never sit here and write it all down for you know.
The worth of a women is almost un-human like.
For all that they are expected to do.
As mothers, daughters, sisters, wives.
Sometimes having to do these unbelievably hard tasks all by themselves.
There is no man there to help.
The strongest person you will ever meet is a mother.
Like extraterrestrial. It's hard to believe. Almost unreal.
And out of this world.
It all starts over with the birth of a new little girl.
They are under appreciated.
The only way we have our world today.
The only thing that keeps it turning.
And we today, Measure her beauty on the color of her hair or skin.
Her size. Whats on the exterior. Not the warrior on the inside.
It sickens me.

The Animal Within A Human - 4/25/12

Our system. Where to even begin.
Should I even begin. Is anyone even listening.
How is it that we are evolving.
Technology is thriving.
But our common sense is falling behind.
Computers and smart phones taking place of actually using our minds.
Who could have possible thought our judicial system is at all Justice in anyway.
Who are you as a stranger, To decide the fate of a human life.
By facts displayed. Maybe even circumstancial.
That these events may have taken place.
Maybe they are a 20 year old young man who made a bad choice.
Now he is living with a rapist. Locked in the same cage.
Like an animal who is no longer recognized by name.
But only by a set of numbers now.
When released, Leaving like infected with similar symptoms to mad cow.
Out of control and even worse then when they went in.
Now you expect them to be useful and productive.
A respected citizen. And that will never happen.
They say "Don't mess with Texas".
They're judicial system is the most complex and the hardest to understand.
With a "No Tolerance For drugs Law"
If you ask me it's ass backwards.
A system that releases a murderer before a drug dealer,
Is completely flawed.
When an animal attacks or mauls a human taking their life.
What do we do, We set out with weapons to hunt that animal.
To kill it for taking a life.
But yet, A set of 12 and 1 judge,
Sentence a man to 20 years for raping a child.
Or killing them with their bare hands.
A rope, Gun, Pillow, Or knife.
No matter how hard you fight.
They are released after 10.
Only four months later, To do this again.
Another child has just been taken.
At one point in time you would be hung for stealing a horse.
Because we stood for something.
We owned our voice and demanded a choice.
We don't do what's right at all today.
Apprehensive because It's "too expensive".
Let me ask you this, would you rather have entertainment of any kind,
Or have less missing children in the world to find.
People who hurt children do not deserve a second chance.
They are sick. There's a chemical imbalance.
So why take the chance. Why take a risk.
Is it truly worth it. No.
But again, Because they say it's too expensive.
The safety of my own child depends on people who are blind and ignorant.
People only want what's easiest today.
No matter Where, Who or What is betrayed.
Our world is living in silent chaos.
Everything is in a complete disarray.
Should it come to taking matters into our own hands.
Instead of waiting for a trial date.
When it comes to the life of a child or who took it.
Their fate should be death every time.
Madeleine McCann, I will never forget about you.
Your beautiful blond hair,
Or those eyes god gave you that are greenish blue.
You deserve to be with your family.
I don't know why they stole you.
I hope you are still alive. Still fighting.
To escape a place you should have never been in.
It's no place for a defenseless little girl.
Today you would have been 9.
You are a perfect example of what is wrong with our world.
What's wrong with man kind.
Just the day before you were a child playing on the sand in the sun.
And the next your life is forever changed because of a very sick person.
These people should never be treated like people for how they treated these children.
Even if they do live, After something so traumatic where do you even re-begin.
Sometimes It's takes some, Their entire lifetimes.
God doesn't open his gates for them.
They are not invited in.
So how as a christian, Or even if you're not religious.
Could we as people. Individuals, Tolerate this.
Maddie has inspired me.
To speak about this so no more children silently go missing.
Every day World Wide. Sadly, It's 1 million. Absolutley Astonishing.
So that no little girl or boy as a grown adult,
Has to live every day thinking that what happened to them might have been their fault.
To take away a lifetime of hurt. A lifetime of counseling.
To bring them back to their homes.
To be safely snuggled in their own living rooms.
Watching pictures of paramount.
To be with their families who love them like they should be loved.
To protect them from being raped. Murdered. Then smothered.
To take away every mothers massive heart ache.
I could never imagine that kind of pain.
That's why I keep my daughter attached to my side.
For fear that she might die.
She might meet this fate.
For fear that it could be my last time.
Of looking into her own beautiful greenish blue eyes.
They always say it just takes a second.
Remember that next time and every time.
Before taking them for granted when losing Patience.
Not everyone smiling is a good person inside.
Something needs to be done to fix whats wrong.
To make it right.
Leaving no more defenseless children.
Left alone, fighting.
Trying to be the one to save their own lives.

My High School Experience - 4/23/12

High school. Different experiences for different people.
Usually has something to do with where you come from.
There's only so much room to write mine down.
I was only there for a short time.
These are only some:
Waking up in the morning so early.
You would do anything to stay in your warm bed.
Getting ready with my brother.
Before we walked out the door,
My mom always made sure we were fed.
Pulling up to Estacada high.
I never wanted to be there.
I would rather die then go inside.
I was beyond shy.
I was concealing so much. Hiding.
From all of you.
Hoping your eyes would never find the truth.
That's why I never wanted to be around any of you.
Only letting very few people know what I was going through.
It was so much more then you could ever learn from a book.
I felt like school wasn't at all teaching me. I was distracted.
I felt like it was a shark tank.
It didn't matter how smart or pretty or popular you are.
They still always seemed like they wanted to tear you apart.
With their mouths. With their words.
With their attitudes. With their stares.
With every negative mood.
Nobody there honestly cared.
It's not the best place to be when you are already coming from a hard place.
People there don't care what's inside.
They only see your face. The color of your hair. Your eyes. Your size.
Making fun for their own selfishness.
But to you it's not fun at all.
Little do they know you have access to your dads shotgun.
Contemplating your own fate.
Thinking about being the one to end it all.
There seems to be no other escape.
Like living in a wooden casket.
You can't move within these tight walls.
But you can breath at least.
Deceiving. It's only for a short time.
Until you run out of oxygen. Suffocated.
So here you are.
With a sawed off shotgun.
Pointed at your very own chest.
Feeling hopeless. Totally worthless.
You try so hard but it's never enough.
Its not your best.
Rumors that spread as fast as the STD's.
I never wanted any part of it.
Knowing from such a young age that there had to be so much more to life.
So that's what I decided.
That I would leave this life.
Without the help of a shotgun.
And I would set out to find myself.
By the time I started to even somewhat figure it out.
All these people were already in collage.
Still living the party. Still living the dream.
Because they came from better families.
I used to be spiteful towards this kind.
Until one day I had sudden realized.
My parents could only show us what they knew.
even if it might not all have been true.
You don't choose who you are born to.
There is only so much parents can teach you.
Because of their own struggles in life.
Maybe they never had the time to find themselves.
Before you unexpectedly arrived.
Some have an upper hand in life.
But never use that as an excuse to be sucked in.
To become angry. Or useless.
Fight. Forever. Until you run out of breath.
Then, Keep pushing. Never stop.
You learn as you grow.
You cant learn if you stop.
So keep on walking.
I left high school in the ninth grade.
I tried to go back. But by then it was too late.
I had already experienced too much of life.
School for me was like, watching barney when your an adult.
I felt so different. And always thought it was my fault.
Little did I know it had absolutely nothing to do with who I was inside.
Until I left. Until I could get my mind right.
I've always done better when I'm alone.
I prefer to be alone.
Like Leonardo De Vinci.
For my own sanity, I need to find every answer.
I feel compelled.
I can't let it go until I figure it all out.
So this doesn't happen to my own daughter.
Moral of the story,
Is if you are still in high school.
Or have a child and you are reading this.
Stop what you're doing. And hear these words.
Our children are our future.
My dad always said..
"If you are going to do something, Then do it right".
I'm finding that applies to everything in life.
Take your time to do it right.
Stop picking on kids.
You have no idea what they secretly might be going through.
It only reflects back onto you.
You know what's right from wrong.
That has nothing to do with you dad or mom.
It's that sick feeling you get from being mean.
From not being yourself.
For trying to keep up with the rest of them.
To be a part of the scene.
But what's going on behind the scenes.
Creates the whole production.
It's whats most important.
So be who you truly are.
Listen to your values. Listen to your morals.
Lead. Never choose to follow.

The Color Of Black - 4/21/12

I once was asked in elementary school to write down what the color black meant to me.
I'm going to try this again. Now 24. And see what I see. Black.
People. Frozen souls. Selfishness.
Kony took almost two decades to be noticed.
You look like fools. For caring now that It's almost like a new trend.
Like when your a kid. You want to be with whats in.
The pitch in the black of the night. A red eye flight.
Life is like hot sauce. Surprising you with an after bite.
Lightening striking at night. Stars that shimmer so bright.
A blazing fire ball burning. Creating light.
Monsters that you think don't really exist.
Like something your scared of when your a kid.
The monsters today are very real.
Nothing gets blacker then that.
A wave of panic. That's what I feel.
Running from loose cannons. Giving you little time to react.
They don't even have to disguise what they are hiding inside.
A normal looking man. Or even in suits and ties.
The lies are slipping right through their teeth.
They wait for you to fall asleep.
Like a coyote, stalking sheep.
Black is the loss of loved ones.
Demons you run from. Regret.
Mistakes of times you wish to recreate.
Hate. Neglect. The end of the road. A shotgun.
And the tiny little pebbles that disperse when the shell explodes.
Pollution shortening life's earth span.
The end of time. The end of humans. Then new life begins.
The atmosphere of movie theaters.
Fear. And whatever it is that fear means to you.
Your secret inner struggles.
Whatever God is putting  you through.
The devil and all of his little helpers.
Attaching you to inflammables. Laughing while setting you on fire.
My biggest pet peeve. Liars. And everything they bring.
Our sick society. That we all seem to admire.
The kids all over the world.
Who are trying to rest their heads with stomach's aching because they have no food.
For the women's lives who are changed forever.
Because of Kony and his helpless army.
Or from a lost battle of breast cancer.
The babies who are crying without mothers in an orphanage crib.
For all the murderers. For all the lives they've taken, that they proudly admit.
Not being able to control whats inside them.
From childhoods. Or a chemical imbalance.
Save them when they are children. While you still have a chance.
The men and women bravely serving our country.
Who spend half their lives traveling. Sacrificing.
It has to be lonely. Despite being rewarding.
The people in hospital beds all over the world.
Burn units. Birth centers. NICU's. Emergency rooms.
Trauma and cancer centers.
At the same time a life is taken.
A life has just began.
At 10:59 A.m. Took their first breath of oxygen.
Angels must walk the hallways.
Picking broken pieces of people up of the floors.
To be the one in the ER. Holding the door.
Being an extra hand. When 15 people are trying to save 1 man.
At that moment it doesn't matter who he is.
All that matters is that he lives.
Why do we wait for horrible things to happen before we choose to care.
If we dare to. Why does it take something so extreme to inspire you.
Why can a silly little quote by someone whom you never met.
Be the reminder so that you don't forget.
If being a better person is too hard.
By all means. Give up.
But that's exactly why our society has this luck.
In fact, It has nothing to do with luck.
Everything has to do with the fact that we don't care anymore.
We've given up.
Another country that is run by It's government.
I'm not so sure sometimes that I am proud to be an American.
Americans live by nothing but double standards.
Taking life for granted. Sipping pina coladas on a tropical beach.
It's all a game of who looks best.
Who has the biggest weapons to test.
Who has the most money. Population. Economic growth.
Most of all power. They want everyone to know.
To be intimated. To become puppets. Connected to strings.
When every price tag is inflated.
Manipulating those master strings.
Over in the UK. They actually have a "QUEEN".
Date back as far as you can.
The things they accomplished were only because they had each other.
Do you think you are capable. Solely alone. Of building pyramids.
Like the trust game your taught as a child.
Turn around, Fall, And trust that I wont let you touch the ground.
Grab my hand and let's set out on this adventure.
The key in survival situations is to always stay together.
Unlike the feathers of a beautiful free bird.
Black is the color of our careless world.

Our Society 4/18/12

It happens that fast.
One minute you are an average collage student.
And next your in a fight for your life.
Maybe because of something as simple as sunlight.
The warmth it creates, reaches into your core.
Leaving it, you somehow feel better than before.
It gives you this "beautiful" glow.
It's sad our society would risk their own lives because of a standard.
A standard set that is far to high.
Far from beautiful. Fake and unreal.
There is nothing about bleached blond hair or a terrific tan that is healthy.
It doesn't make you look perfect or make you look pretty.
It doesn't take away any of your self Pitty.
It doesn't make you beautiful, Kind, Or witty.
All of that comes from somewhere deep within.
If only our society could open their eyes and realize.
They have a their own hand in taking so many lives.
Invisible bloodshed.
But names that are impossible to ever forget.
Names like Glenna Kohl. Ashlyn Conner. Phoebe Prince.
What does it take to exercise common sense.
Let children be children.
At school, They act brutal.
Most likely from an absence at home of proper tools.
No dollar is ever worth a human life.
Or a child at 10 being the one to take their own life.
Doesn't that make you want to scream. Helplessly cry. Throw something.
No child should ever be the only one standing alone in their army.
Scared and helpless. Forced to fight.
Funny how something like "Facebook" has taken over the world in a sense.
But yet people are still starving.
Kids, Feeling the only way out is by committing suicide.
Child sex abuse at an all time high.
Everyday cancer is still taking lives.
People in Japan still searching for their lost family.
Missing Husbands, children and wives.
7 billion people in the world.
Nobody notices one lost little girl.
Some entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names.
You ask me how many? Nearly 1 Billion.
Women around the world spending several hours in a day.
Simply collecting water.
Exact number of children in the world. 2.2 Billion.
In poverty. 1 Billion. (Every second child)
640 Million left without adequate shelter. (1 in 3)
121 Million children out of education worldwide.
22 thousand children, Due to poverty, Die.
Well all spend time updating statuses with absolutely nothing worth while.
Compared to these world events.
We should be inspired to create as much change as we can in our Short lifetimes.
Making people entirely too rich with stupid shit.
Like bottled water and Instagram photos.
Thousands of hopefulls spending thousands hoping to win the lotto.
What is wrong with my kind. Why do I feel so different.
Why does it feel like I am the only one who thinks of these things.
Why do I not care about a fairy tale wedding with a big fat ring.
I can't help but to be who I am.
I just wish there was more people on my side.
To go to war with me to do our part in changing lives.
Instead of worrying about how much money we make.
How big our house is. keeping up with the Kardashians.
Open your heart and keep it open.
Like a sponge. Let truth be absorbed. Let it soak in.
Despite the sting. Despite it being painful.
It only makes you better.
You don't live forever.
Remember that and choose how you wish to spend your time.
Worrying and caring only for yourself and yours.
Or growing 10,000 limbs to extend.
To show people changes are possible.
If you find your strength to triumph.
Hurdle every single obstacle.
Remain strong within through the rough terraine.
Speak out. Speak Up. Be heard. Find that lost little girl.
Do something that has a purpose.
Don't spend your spare time at clubs being wasteless.
Buying into the latest trends Or what some editor at a magazine thinks is in.
Find something that expands you within to constantly re invent.
Making you a better person with every milla second. Every breath.
It is never too late. To put your own hand in trying to change your fate.
To change something within yourself.
Put yourself out to the sharks just to offer your unappreciated help.
Even while being unappreciated.
Remember that God is always watching.
Like elastic. You can only stretch it so far until it breaks.
Stretch it to that limit. Until the line is shaking.
There is so much more to ourselves that we know we are even capable of.
All the world really needs. Is a whole lot of love.

Left Behind 4/17/12

If I could go back to the day we met.
I wouldn't have spoken to you.
There would be nothing to forget.
Then again, Any day that I got to see your smile was by far,
Worth the while.
The years of the worst heart ache I have ever felt.
The lies. The questions. The fears. The laughs. Every tear.
Still after making it through the storm.
You would think I would never want to go back.
But I usually don't think always before I react.
So the possibility of that happening.
Is a good one. I don't want it to be.
I'm tired of you being what I mostly run from.
As fast as I can until I can't run anymore.
Ive completely run out of breath and collapsed to the floor.
When you have caught up with me.
Managing to find the key to the door I locked.
Moving the furniture I also used to keep it blocked.
Peeling layers of my skin off slowly but surely. Painfully.
Until there's nothing left. You've skinned me.
Exposing those painful nerves.
Naked. Cold. Disgusted. Alone. Ashamed. To blame.
That's how I feel at times.
For allowing you to do these things to me.
For all that you do that you refuse to accept.
To see. To Believe.
You have never even said your sorry.
You pretend like you don't hurt. You don't feel.
Like Nothing phases you.
But I, out of everybody, Know that is untrue.
I was always the one you called on.
When you needed another point of view.
When the weight of the world has been crushing you.
Then we were forced to part and go our separate ways.
Because after 15 years I finally told you that I loved you.
Having been hurt before you bolted for every exit. Any door.
Never to return again. Leaving me behind. To self defend.
When sometimes I feel like I sort of need you.
My whole life. You were my best friend.
There for anything and all things that have happened in my life.
The pain from your absence has severed me into pieces with a butterfly knife.
Your words hurt just the same.
Telling everyone I'm crazy. That you never felt anything for me.
That you never even knew my name.
Makes me feel shamed. Even though it should be you.
For doing what you have and for everything your putting me through.
But then when we do see each other again.
You just calmly act like we remained friends.
I'm exhausted. You make me so tired.
Like I want to give up.
Go be as far as I can away from you.
Set myself on fire. It burns just the same.
I hope my daughter never believes and trusts a boy the way I did for you.
Scratch that. She'll be smarter because of you.
I will be able to spot your kind immediately for the rest of my life.
Why wouldn't you just let me in.
I was only begging since I was 10.
Times like these my heart is too big for It's own good.
I just want save you. Protect you from the rejection you feel.
Paint you pictures like the Mona Lisa that have taken 16 years to get right.
To show you in a perfect form what is real.
Open your eyes to see what you have been missing.
I always thought I wanted to actually be with you.
But that's not why.
I just want you to love me too before I die.
To be there to wipe every tear from my eye.
To appreciate me.
To be who you used to be.
I'm still mourning. I will forever miss you.
Next time I see you and your lips start moving.
Before I hear any sound. I will take it as a fair warning.
Nothing is guaranteed.
It's possible if I choose to let you in.
I'm risking hurting for a lifetime all over again.
Though you teach me hard lessons about life.
I get stronger every time. Strangely It's worth it in the end.
I realize there are still parts of myself I need to find. Re- design.
When I'm scared. Standing alone. When you've left me behind.

After I Wake 4/16/12

I close my eyes as I am trying to fall asleep.
My brain is still racing.
Wondering if It's only a matter of time before I fall deep.
I, unlike many, Remember most of my dreams.
Like when I was a child.
They are usually bad dreams.
I wake up screaming. Running for doors.
Trying to escape from certain places. Certain faces.
Waking with a face full of tears.
Crying because I'm scared.
Terrified by the things I fear.
They are just dreams right.
But they feel too real.
DreamWorks or Pixar would be ideal.
With these feelings still lingering when I wake.
At times, I don't know how much more I can take.
Searching for answers on how to make this easier to cope with.
And in fact, Found out that It's considered a gift.
Giving you a heads up on where you are heading in your future.
Or whats going on at the time in your life.
Like hints on a test.
Giving you some insight.
If you pay attention, You might get a step ahead.
But it still doesn't take away my fear of simply going to bed.
The later it gets in a day the more anxious I feel.
That's when it all comes to life.
Everything that I conceal.
When I was a little girl, I used to beg to sleep on my sisters floor.
So that I didn't have to be alone after closing the door.
Like Boo without her Sully.
Scared and knowing that I would fall asleep eventually.
I have to fight to turn off the lights. In every sense.
Like steel has just been miraculously bent.
If i had a choice I probably wouldn't sleep a day in my life.
Despite the insight. It doesn't really seem to matter.
Nothing changes. It's always the same. A never ending hang man game.
Trying to fill in the blanks before you run out of options.
And that loose noose around your neck is tightened.
Until you can't manage to take one more breath.
My ultimate fear. Forever left alone. To "rest".
My amazing grandma before her passing.
Used to ask me "Why do you always wear all that black".
I never had an answer for her.
Until I realized my soul is so black that's all I see. Is black.
Insecure. Ashamed. Full of panic attacks. And intense fears.
A tiny little speck in the massive stratosphere.
All the sudden a light appeared. Weight was lifted. Some fear disappeared.
The older I get, The easier it is to deal with these horrible dreams.
I know that after I awake, The screams goes silent.
The horrors stop and so does the violence.
It's all no so extreme and I know they can't kill me.
Now that I'm 24 years old. No longer a helpless little girl.

Gravel Roads 4/13/12

I write about anything and all things going on in my life.
Memories. Every battle Ive ever had to fight.
It's written in ink. In pen somewhere.
Filling notebooks of blank pages with my emotions.
My thoughts are scribbled everywhere.
By the time they are written for other eyes to see.
They are put in a format so that you can understand them perfectly.
Filling your eyes and hearts full of tears.
Because you had no idea who I really was all these years.
Only known as Ben and Jody Fears little sister.
I didn't have name until I was almost 21.
Being alone for so long has made me so strong.
I absolutely love what Ive become.
I love that I found the courage,
To share these words I right with people struggling.
Battling their own fights.
To comfort lonely hearts. Or lost souls walking blindly in the dark.
To share pieces or myself with strangers.
Giving you every one a piece to discard. Or hold onto forever.
I hope that when you read these words It's like someone giving you a needed hug.
That it puts your fears at ease.
Or makes you be what you were always meant to be.
I hope that they make you feel like a soaring Robin.
Completely uplifted and free.
Sometimes they are painful enough to bring you to your knees.
Your heart is pulsating like it was just shot with a pity gun.
But that's not why they are there.
They are to remind you to enjoy the good. Along with the bad.
To not worry about the color of your hair.
That what is inside will shine brighter then any bleach.
Lessons Ive learned the hard way.
I almost feel an obligation to share. To teach.
People don't go through what I have for no reason.
Maybe I have finally found my reason.
So that I can write about things that truly matter. Instead of gossiping.
I believe there is so much more to life then living it through a television.
Nature does something for me that no one can.
When Ive been alone and with no one comforting holding my hand.
Nature speakes to me. Showing me nothing but beauty.
Even while driving down the road and seeing wasteful peoples trash.
It doesn't take anything away. It doesn't distract me.
Or take my eyes away from such a beautiful thing.
Trees that make it easier for us to breath.
Giving us oxygen. Rivers so fresh and so clean.
You immediately want to dive right in.
If it wasn't for the shock of the cold you might feel compelled to do so.
Maybe we all need that shock.
The orange, Pinks, and purples when the sun is ready for bed.
When it starts to set and get real low as your getting ready to rest your head.
Or the song birds chirpping at the crack of dawn.
Before your even awake with time to stretch and yawn.
The freshness of a morning is unlike anything.
The beautiful fall before the gorgeous spring.
The summers and everything they bring.
People you love to spend them with.
BBQing, Laughing, Camping, Rafting.
Have you ever got really close to grass when its wet.
Little tiny perfect drops of water that sparkle in sunlight.
These are some of the reasons God blessed us with eyes. With sight.
Life, Even at it's hardest should never be taken for granted.
You should take every lesson. And plant them.
Never allow yourself to forget or you'll be taking the test again.
Like the starry night of Vincent Van Gogh.
Use your talents. Get them out. Put them on display for show.
Inspire those who have lost inspiration.
You never stop learning. Life is meant to be educational.
Do what you love often. Not just recreational.
Never tell yourself "I'll do it tomorrow".
Because you might not have that time. Time is barrowed.
When your paths become rocky. No longer solid pavement.
They have narrowed. Now they are just gravel filled with pot holes.
Don't ever stop walking.
Believe and have faith that for whatever the reason.
This, Is the path that you have to trust you are meant to follow.

Fish Hunter Rafts & Pabst Blue Ribbon 4/12/12

Some of the most amazing times of my life were spent on the Clackamas River.
With some of the most down to earth people I have ever met.
So much happiness Radiated.
Respected. Appreciated.
Loving life, Being who they are, Living with no regrets.
One of the most special times on these rafting trips is a tree.
Dedicated to Walk a mile Kyle.
When we turn the corner, I can't help but to smile.
So happy to be a part of such a heartfelt tradition.
To let him know we haven't forgotten.
Gather around, Shotgun your beer, And hang the tab on this tree.
When we slowly drift away, I watch as it's glistening.
Almost like he's smiling. Saying thank you. And I love you too.
Meeting new people along the trip.
Who either keep on floating.
Or some that you meet, You never forget.
Water so fresh that comes straight from our mountain.
It makes you shiver. Freezing cold.
Though the sun dries you off quickly.
So tan because we've become river rats.
I remember floating down with Sara on just our backs.
Falling face first in sticker bushes.
My friends pulling them out of my face as they can't help but to laugh.
Nothing is complicated. It's all simplified.
If I close my eyes,
It's almost as if we are just getting in at Barton.
Everyone is hollering.
Smiling. Screaming from excitement as it echoes under the bridge.
Paddles start paddling.
And I immediately hear...Beer me!
Groups of good people set out on an adventure to make memories we never forget.
When we are 90 and bed ridden, These are the times we will miss.
Fish hunter rafts and Pabst blue ribbon.
People who shine so brightly. I hold them close. So tightly.
Teaching me about life and being there after every internal fight.
Always keeping my spirits high.
And my self esteem even higher.
Never any criticism. Only Equality.
Everyone is special.
I hope you all know that you are some amazing people.
I will never forget a day we spent on that gorgeous river.
And all the times I watched you all dive to the bottom to pull up other peoples garbage.
Beer cans and whatever else that shouldn't be there.
You, Actually care.
The lessons you have taught me are only gonna keep on giving.
Because I love to write.
If only everyone had even just one of you in their life.
They would be much better people.
You reached into my soul and chased away some devils.
You made me want to be me and only me.
Because there's nothing wrong with me.
When times get a little tough.
I just pause. Stop. Rewind. And remember all these amazing times.
I love you guys.

*Xoxoxoxoxoxo :)

The Calm Before The Storm - 4/10/12

I'm learning every single day. Nothing is perfect.
But every day you get is a given gift.
Make it what you can.
Try your hardest to reinvent yourself as often as possible.
Never lose your faith despite every obstacle.
Believe that dreams can come true.
Keep your outer shell hard like bamboo.
Ricocheting bullets.
Find whatever you need in a positive form to get you through it.
Without the struggles. You would never learn. Never grow.
Let the happiness in. It makes you glow.
Tell the people you care for that you love them as much as you can.
Because tomorrow is not promised. You don't have a choice.
You don't have a say. It's not your plan.
Let the heat of life singe every hair on your head.
Never stop living until your gone and dead.
Next time you can, Remember to stare at the moon.
Maybe stare at it from a ride in a hot air balloon.
Enjoy the rain when you're caught in a monsoon.
Every drop is absorbed into your body.
Making you stronger. Fully embodied.
Hug your children today like you will never see them again.
If you're lucky you will likely only have 80 summers in a lifetime.
Before the probability of walking with a Cain.
I advise that you spend them with people you admire.
Let the beauty of nature inspire.
Speak loud. Like you're connected to an amplifier.
be certain your voice is heard. because It's important.
Give affection. Without the guarantee of protection.
Go look into a mirror right now. And love every imperfection.
Don't let your yourself feel the tensions. Run from apprehensions.
Think of the future holding all it's possibilities.
Never let in negativity. It will take over and run rapidly.
I can't wait for what life will throw at me next.
What struggles am I going to face.
The ultimate tests.
If I pass it's only logical I would be rewarded.
What ship will I aboard.
Set out on my next crazy adventure.
To create another part of myself.
To learn lessons that teach me. To expand my capabilities.
Think of every downfall as the most beautiful waterfall.
There's beauty in every breakdown.
Something to learn. Something to be found.
I am so thankful for this second right now in today.
I'm breathing. I have family. They love me.
I'm alive. It's up to me to let go.
Fall with my eyes closed.
Believe and have faith.
That at the end of the day.
I am strong enough to tread this water.
Until I find the path that at the time, I'm meant to follow.
I will walk those paths with my head held high and never turn back.
Those paths will eventually fork into others.
Around every corner there are new things to be discovered.
I will be forced one day to deal with the pain of losing my father and my mother.
But I know God will always be walking hand in mine.
Forever at my side. Carrying me at times.
When I feel like I have had enough. I can't take anymore.
The devils been knocking at my door.
When it's too hard to even breath. Like the snap of fingers.
Some pressure is relieved. I'm learning everyday.
And I'm re- discovering my faith.
My capability to disperse so much of what I've learned.
Receive love. Hard lessons about how It's all earned.
God is good. God is great. If you haven't found him.
He's been waiting. It's never too late.
It's always darkest before the storm.
But there's also a calm that comes before the storm.
Giving you time. Time to react. Time to think.
If you let him in, Your life will be forever changed.
Like neglected wounds have just been bandaged.
Now you just need to give them time to heal....

*I'm ok for right now... :)

Right Now In Today - 4/9/12

I hate cancer. Raging through bodies.
Infecting good people. Taking their lives.
Daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, fathers,
mothers, grandparents, friends, husbands, and wives.
Making every breath you take, A struggle. A fight.
A fight you pray everyday to win.
There are no guarantees.
But somehow you remain strong within.
Never showing how much pain you actually might be in.
Physically, Mentally, Or emotionally.
You love them too much to hurt their feelings.
Courageous and brave.
Walking with your hopes high every day.
Optimism becomes your best friend.
You were chosen by God to change lives.
Re- creating his original plan.
By restoring people from the inside.
With your inspiration shinning so brightly.
Hanging on to tiny little threads so tightly.
Not allowing yourself to think of any other alternative.
Then living a long and beautiful life.
To beat this unbearable fight.
Though you might have ran out time.
It was only here on earth.
Now your somewhere else.
Somewhere that needs so much of your help.
In need of someone like you.
You deserve and earned every single feather he is going to give you.
For all the hard work you do.
Teaching about life and what it's really worth.
Don't waste a single moment.
Don't take anything for granted.
Treat everyone as if there is not a promised tomorrow.
The bad makes you appreciate what's good.
Even if it is hard to swallow.
God and his mysterious ways.
At times, It's confusing.
But it's not for you to waste precious time understanding.
He has a reason for taking good souls.
Mike, Seth, Kevin, Peggy, Lacey, Bryce, Darlene, Kim, Johni, Joel.
My 3 month old nephew Spencer.
And the millions in between.
It doesn't take away the heart ache or relieve any pain.
At times making you angry.
Or makes you numb because you don't know what to feel.
You don't feel like yourself. You feel strangely. Is this even real.
Thinking about every memory like a flashback picture show through your entire mind.
Trying desperately to hold to any memory you are able to find.
Remembering them for who they were.
Amazingly happy. Beautifully gifted.
Smiles that freeze time. Stopping hands on clocks.
Changing so many lives. Including mine.
The love only grows. The visits become dreams.
The pain may ease slowly with time.
The memories never ever fade.
And we all now that they are now and forever,
In a much better place.
I will never forget what I have learned.
And I will never forget to be thankful for every single second in a day.
It's never promised.
There's only right now in today.

Family - 4/6/12

Today is good. And I'm thankful.There seems to never be enough of them.
No problems. Finding myself smiling for no reason.
And I love it. The sun isn't even shinning.
I still feeling amazing. No pain.
Doing my daily tasks. I'm not dragging.
Feeling like a thousands pounds.
Taylor Swift is singing in my ear.
Inspiring me. Playing on music choice.
At this moment I feel completely happy.
Writing this to prolong the seconds.
So I can read them back when things start going Wrong.
Getting Chaotic. Becoming hectic.
My daughter is playing her her bedroom.
Watching her favorite movie. Sillyville.
I myself wish that world was real.
Full of laughter and silly music.
I used to watch that same movie repeatedly when I was a kid.
Memories almost forgotten. Reminding me of the good times.
Horse shoe tournaments. The beach. Camping.
With family sitting around fires on the beach.
Glowing. because of the orange in the light.
Reminiscing. Laughing. Loving and just living in the moment.
There was bad but there was also so much good.
When you live with so much you tend to write in that mood.
My mother with her beautiful hair and infectious smile.
Me trying to convince her while pregnant to name my brother kyle.
My dad. A teddy bear. But 6'2" and 230 on the exterior
My brother's who make me so proud.
Always rising. Never falling.
Sara who happend to happen by chance.
And now I have too many feelings to ever let her go.
She teaches me Patience.
My amazing sister.
I grew up wanting to be her. With her beautiful curly hair.
An un-forgettable person.
One thing in life I will always know for certain.
If she's breathing, She's at my side through everything.
Every laugh. Every Tear. Even the occasional fears.
She always stays close and remains near to me.
Being a guide even when she's not necessarily sure she's doing it right.
She's forever a part of my heart.
I'm smiling even as writing this.
These are the memories I hope to never forget.
I want my family to know how much of the good I also carry in my soul.
For making me an incredible person. And it shows.
Even with what did hurt me.
I'm now able to impact lives with words I write.
My beauty comes from within no matter what I see in a reflection.
My mother should be so proud. For creating such beauty.
And for sending us all on paths with different keys.
To open every door that teaches. Hard lessons. But a lot of love.
I would never change it. Take any of it back.
I love who I am despite a few hands that changed my paths.
When I hit my rock bottoms. Cut up with pieces missing.
I think of Mariah's strength. Maelee's kisses.
Jocelyn my everything. Brayden. A smile haven.
And Skylar. The love of my life.
Pieces for every single one. Of my divided heart.
Every single on you a beautiful instrument.
Playing an amazing part.


* I love you all with all my heart :)

Tools For Your Tool Box - 4/5/12

It's silent. But just outside your front door,
There's a war. And It's violent.
Stuck between these walls. You create different dimensions.
Separated. Living somewhere else.
Somewhere far. Like living in the body of an Avatar.
In a world so beautiful you never want to leave.
No horror's hard to believe. Colors inspiring your mind.
Creatures specifically designed.
To have a purpose. Not feeling useless.
No mistakes. Trying, Repairing, Fixing.
Time wasting. Not looking back.
Searching through everything hiding in black.
With these eyes you were gifted by God.
You choose to see the real beauty within these walls.
No everything causing down falls. My daughter. Jocelyn.
Running around without a care in the world. No reason to be scared.
With no idea how much I'm trying to protect her from this war.
I never want her caught in the middle. To ever be a witness of evil.
I'm here to teach her. To fill her box full of tools.
Never fooled. Smart enough to see through lies.
To know what trust is by looking into my eyes.
To know how important it is to be beautiful on the inside.
Before you worry about your exterior.
To never be selfish. Or jealous. Feeling inferior.
To shed no tears over thing's you fear.
To always remember...Even if It's not physically.
I'm always right here. Always being a guide of light.
Stopping along this journey to show what's right.
What's wrong can be changed. Don't let it destroy your mind.
Just do your best. Do your part. Don't be afraid of the dark.
Give and be kind. Love always like It's your very first time.
Time is limited. Don't waste it.
Be in control of what you have control of.
And what you don't. Leave it at God's door.
Live like you know how to fly.
Completely weightless. Completely free. Whole heartedly.
Never allow yourself to remain lost.
Find your way back no matter what the cost.
Be brave and be who you truly are. Every single day.
Know that I love you more then I love myself.
Let me teach you. Listen to my advise. And learn from the help.
The most beautiful and perfect thing I have ever seen.
It's like living what only comes in dreams.
You really are my everything.
I will fight until the day I take my last breath.
To make sure you re where and who you need to be.
Before my time. Before my death.
To make sure when I have to leave you behind.
That I did my own part repairing minds.
To remember what's most important. To not be so ignorant.
Wasting life. Wasting limited time.
Enjoy every single day you get.
I will leave these words as my reminders. My post-It's.
So you are never able to forget.

A Wolf In Disguise - 4/4/12

Here you are again. Running.
So many laps you've left your tracks in my brain.
Driving me insane. I can't think with all the running.
It's making me crazy. I'm delusional.
Forced for my mental health to choke down happy pills.
Lost somewhere with myself.
Because you only cared about yourself.
My heart is still weak from having been brought back to life.
Pumping it with paddles until you hear the sound of it beating.
Your heart has been revived.
There for another taking. Still surviving after breaking.
Have you ever seen a mosaic in the sunlight.
What it reflects. Tiny little lights. Like glitter on the wall.
Kind like your broken heart filled with permanent holes.
But yet still beautiful. In it's own right.
From how strong it has had to be.
Battling through the endless fights.
I still managed to carry the torch for you.
Even after everything you put me through.
I will never lie. Hide what I'm feeling inside.
You didn't kill me. I didn't die. I'm still breathing. Surviving.
Strangely, I will always be forced to love you.
Despite the fact that I don't want to.
Living with only a reason that God has a plan of why he brought you.
Telepathically, I feel like it can feel when you think of me.
Just another thing driving me insane. To feel crazy.
Because of all the marathons you're running in my brain.
It's clearly driving the insanity.
Please. Stop. Leave me to be happy.
For once, Do what's best for me.
Set me free. Mentally. Stop trying to kill me.
Slowly day by day. Without even knowing.
Side effects not apparent. Nothings showing.
You destroyed who I am. Forever stuck in that place.
With dreams your in. I can still see your face.
Every second we spent together I was taking mental notes. Pictures.
And now I want to forget. But I can't.
Something won't let me. Or God wont.
There's still something left to be learned.
All I know is that I want to be let go.
Everywhere I go you seem to follow.
Or somehow your memory revived.
Brought back into my life and back out just as fast.
Like an F5 tornado. Clearing a path.
Leaving it's rubble left all over the place.
All over the floors. All over the ground.
Pieces of life. Pieces of yourself scattered all around.
Leaving for me to set out and search for.
Or give up because they are lost forever.
Everyday I'm the one earning feathers.
You made me stronger then I ever thought I was capable of being.
I'm hurt because I'm human.
I'm not sure what you are.
You don't seem to feel at all. like your not real.
You were my "Phantom" jokingly.
But I'm starting to think maybe I was right all along.
Your detached from reality.
I know how it is. To create a space you can tolerate to live in.
And at times those thin walls start to feel like they are caving in.
Making the space your living in too small.
You feel a need to escape. You've become claustrophobic.
You need a flashing neon exit. Fight or flight. And your in flight.
That's why you're running laps through my brain.
Ignoring truths. Living happily with assumptions.
If you ever read this I hope it bring memories.
Memories of how much you hurt me.
To learn from your mistakes.
So there's no more hearts to take.
Then discard after you took the life from them.
Until It's so weak it eventually breaks.
Defeated. But with a cycle that's repeating.
Making you feel powerful. Like your some sort of King.
There's a reason you prey on people who are weak.
Appearing as a caring, Giving, Loving, average guy.
When in fact you can't see beyond yourself.
You're a wolf in disguise.

Hungry for Change - 4/3/12

Do you have any idea where the food you eat might come from.
Places like Safeway, Win-Co, and Albertonsons.
The question should be do you want to know.
Do you care to know?
My guess would be no.
Because if you did there is no way we would allow this to continue.
Having no clue what they put in our food.
Raising a chicken to be slaughtered in 44 days when it used to be 4 months.
Pumping it full of harmones intirely too much.
Until its unable to carry its own weight. Therefore unable to walk.
Feeding these animals the same thing they put in every single thing we already eat.
It's a system set up and designed to be unable to beat. Its corn. Cattle sprayed off with ammonia.
Trying to control choas. Praying for no more breakouts of E coli.
That are taking lives. Because of ignorance. Selfishness. Whatever is easiest.
All for a dollar. And I have no choice but to feed this to my daughter.
Because not enough people are bothered. They dont demand change.
We dont unite together. To handle what is hard to imagine let alone individually manage.
Buying fruits that are now out of season. But never stopping to wonder why. Wheres the reason.
Thinking your making better choices by not eating at fast food places like burger king or McDonalds.
I'm sorry to have to tell you that your wrong.
That its not true. That you have no idea what they are feeding you.
Perfect pictures displayed on grocery items dipicting farm life.
Pull the wool from eyes. It's all lies.
Only 13 slaughter houses in our country to serve our outrageous demands.
Remember with that comes strategey. And secretive planning.
Dollars are all that matter to the people in charge. Not our health. Only their wealth.
For cars and houses that are too large to be taken care of on your own. To fill holes.
To entertain an adult living like a child who should be an adult living grown.
Nestle alone, has over 13 different brands of bottled water.
And you want to know how many people are in charge.
Testing this water and making sure it's safe. 1 Women.
Yet marketing it as the purest water you can get. But It's all in fact for a money pit.
I often wonder what makes people so complacent. To not realize what we are capable of.
Not demanding a safe place for themselves and for their children. Will it ever end.
Letting the world be run by men. Not to want change more than anything.
Do we vote for a reason or Is that again an illuison.
Creativily making you feel like your voice has a say. That they offer you a choice.
It doesnt. And they don't. Just ask about the build a bear group.
Our president is a puppet. Being told what to do by these people.
And If Im wrong, why Is there a reason for so many secrets. So many lies.
Why cant we know what is in our food.
Why are there secret libraires containing such important books.
Why can't we know about area 51.
What are they hiding. And why are they lying.
Like little test rats running rapid.
While they do their experimenting without difiance.
Educate yourself about the world you live in. It's not always a fairy tale.
Life Is too short to be made even shorter. With diabetes at an all time high.
Statistics like 1 in 3. Even worse with 1 in 2 in the minority.
Taking a green tomato and spraying it with ammonia until It's ripe. Right before your very eyes.
It's not ok. It's not at all alright.
Stand up. Use your voice.
Realize If we unite we now have a choice for them to be forced to hear our voioce.
4 major corporations for the nearly 47,000 items we carry in grocery stores today.
The only difference Is a brand. Nabisco or Tyson.
As their pockets are growing so are we. With America at It's all time high for obesity.
Because we are being force feed garbage. Then being told theres a standard. You'd better hit the gym.
Spending more hard earned money. Are you starting to see how It's working.
Describing Organic as safer when Theres not much of a difference. Its In fact really not.
Again, A plot. To control your money.
Corn products include: Ketchup, Chesse, Twinkies, Batteries, Peanut butter, Cheeze-its, Salad dressing, Jelly, Sweet & Low, Syrup, Juice, Diapers, Mortrin, Meat, Fast food, And this Is just to name a few. Now STOP.....that doesnt bother you? 70% of proccessed food, have some gentically motified ingrediant. The average chicken farmer invests over 500,00. Only taking In, 18,000.
During the Bush administration,
The cheif of staff at the USDA was former lobbyist for the beef industry In Washington. Coincidence?
In 1972, The FDA conducted 50,000 inspections. In 2006, Only 9,164.
You should educate yourself on agent Orange.
We are the only way It will ever stop.
And I hope generations after mine are able to read this.
As a reminder so they will never be able to forget. That they are worth more than this.
Put a foot down and demand It stops. Dont buy from markets.
Buy locally. Use your voice. Expand your capabilities. And know you deserve a choice.

*Thank you to Food Inc. A documentary I watched a few years ago that changed the way I eat forever. They make eating healthy too expensive for a reason. It's ridiculous that a head of lettuce costs more then a $1 cheese burger.

Field of Dreams - 4/1/12

Lying in the grass. Flat on my back.
The air is fresh when inhaled.
Its spring. My skin is still pale.
Looking up. Watching the clouds slowly move by.
Feeling the warmth of the sun all the way on the inside.
Relaxed. Finally. At last.
Lying in the same Field as when I was a kid.
Where Arielle and I used to look up at the stars.
Sometimes in her back yard on the trampoline.
Sharing dreams.
That seems like all we ever did. Was dream.
Planning our whole lives out.
Like it was going to be an award winning soap opera in the making.
Boy were we mistaken.
Creating different dimensions in this world as a tactic of survival.
Creating our own world with new names and whatever would bring ourselves smiles.
Naturally fighting every once in a while.
But it never mattered.
Shes always there when I'm scared.
Holding my hand as we walk through the dark.
Describing every single characteristic of that dog barking.
Her love for animals will explain that.
Nothing about her is tainted black.
Shes at the other end of my safety line.
Making sure I can always find my way back.
I never knew what genuine really meant until her.
Not by blood. But shes my sister.
The only thing that has never hurt me.
And then came Laurie. Another sister.
Funny how life works.
We just barely reached her before we missed her.
Brilliant. Bold. Loving. Kind.
When I think about her so much runs through my mind.
She understands me like we shared a womb.
I will never forget the day she found her new home.
With the most amazing people breathing on earth.
You should meet their mother.
Every single second is worth it.
Miss Julia.
So much love pouring from her soul.
Treating me and every other one as if they were her own.
And then there's Ace.
Seriously, The first person to ever make sure we were all in possession of mace.
An older brother who gave so much.
I feel like I was struck by lightening with this luck.
To find such rare beauty. So much warmth. So much care.
I remember dancing in the kitchen on holidays to "Do you believe in love" By Cher.
Traditions I had never been a part of. I didn't know people actually lived like this.
Happiness. No selfishness.
Enough love for everyone.
Showing me what art was. In every form. I found my shelter from the storm.
All because of a game of baseball.
You showed up and caught my fall.
Walking into the middle of a disaster.
And still managing to show me that there are "Happily ever afters".
I will never forget what you all have done for me.
You gave me faith. Faith to believe.
Faith to breath. Faith to survive.
So much of why I'm alive.
Changing the route I was traveling inside.
Forever in my heart.
When I need a safe place. A place to escape.
Forever in this Field I Ly.

*Inspired by the Carlsons :)

Tired Of Being Me - 4/1/12

I feel like my whole life this far has been put on repeat.
I can't seem to break away from the history.
Experiencing the same things over and over as when I was a child.
I doesn't seem to come in a form of mild.
Its intensence. It's insane.
More then real. Far from a game.
People on the outside looking in.
Are constantly wondering why Its so hard to move on.
Get over it. To win.
The minute I think I have.
I'm back at square one with even more baggage.
I'm constantly in a battle with my own brain.
Trying so hard to self explain.
Because nobody else is ever there.
Exactly why I assume they don't care.
I cant wait for the day that I'm standing in front of God.
I cant wait for an explanation.
A reason for so many expectations.
I know deep down there has to be a reason I'm being put through what I am.
Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the very second it all began.
Before I had a name. Before I had a personality.
My first breath of oxygen.
Not that it would change the plan God had already wrote for me.
But so that I can finally see.
See myself for what I truly am.
Not what I'm desperately trying to believe.
Re-thinking everything about me and what I do actually see.
My capabilities. My strength. My capacity.
I want to die with my head held high.
Not feeling like I need to return.
Because I didn't do it right the first time.
I let it burn.
How do you stop something you have no control of.
This is me. Living with PTSD.
In constant agony because of the anxiety.
My brain is moving faster then what I can keep up with.
Its confusing along with exhausting.
Labeling everything that has a surface.
Doing things that just have no purpose.
Relying on worksheets to teach me.
Coping skills and how to control my own breathing.
Its beyond frustrating.
Why do you think I want to run away.
That I don't see light in most days.
I cant even stray.
When I have had to create my own path to walk.
Finding away around every road block.
But I'm tired of running.
I want to sit.
Put my feet up, relax, and forget.
I'm not sure I even know how to relax.
Only how to relapse.
Picking myself up only to re-begin.
Waiting for the end.
Like waiting for your favorite song to play on the radio.
Seems like the more you want it the more its a no show.
Forcing you to keep building.
Like Jenga.
Its not very sturdy.
The more pieces its starts to lose the more it loses its balance.
One wrong move and you blew your chance.
Its all coming down. Like the heaviest rain fall.
I want to dig a hole deep as it will go climb in and never be found.
Lost beneath the ground. No hurt. No pain. No sound.
The only person who is here for me. Is, Me.
Despite my best efforts to hide.
Its all clearly busting its way through every one of my cracks.
Showing you all everything that I lack.
But I keep writing and you want to know why.
Because we are all occasionally dying on the inside.
I, On the other hand go through more for reasons unknown of.
I always thought it was because I was going to die before my time.
But maybe its not.
Maybe I can save your life.
Even though I cant save mine.

* I had a really bad day yesterday. I remember thinking....While writing this on the ink pad on my phone, That I cant even text this fast. Haha. It took me 10 minutes. Literally. My brain never sleeps.