December Rays 12/14

I'm sitting in a ray of sunshine.
Its December 14th.
2014.
There's still so much pain in the world.
So much hurting.
So much suffering.
Its not right to dwell,
But its not right to not acknowledge it as well.
How can you change something,
If you don't realize there's a problem?
Some place, where its all going wrong.
In order to organize,
Sometimes you just have to go back to the beginning.
No matter how bad you don't want to.
No matter how much it hurts you.
Like walking up current.
Its exhausting.
But its also liberating.
Finding answers.
And some that were never meant to be found.
I feel like that is the reason for what I see when I look around.
Without the pain,
The corruption,
The injustice,
We wouldn't have a purpose.
When people become complacent in large masses,
Bad things will happen.
Things like the Holocaust.
Those who went through it,
Earned respect.
Why was it only when they were tortured?
Why only when they die?
The biggest divide,
In this entire world is religion.
And I will never comprehend it.
Because why does it matter?
When there is this much suffering,
Wouldn't you hope for something better?
Don't you imagine it?
I do.
Everyday.
Its what gets me through most of the days.
Some seem to find that weak.
But this is where you pick up your feet,
And keep on moving.
Learning.
Discovering.
Asking questions.
Offering help.
Loving unconditionally.
Being larger than life itself.
I believe that's the purpose of those crispy thin lines of misunderstood words,
That some believe are nothing but lies.
Its not there to judge.
Its for you,
To look inside.
Pulling out everything that's beautiful.
And applying it with every waking moment.
When I see some who are in the worst pain,
I cant help but to notice,
Its because they don't realize they have a purpose.
They don't see how much they are worth it.
How much they are needed.
They want to question the only positive guide in this life.
And maybe it isn't some judgmental man in the sky.
Its as simple as energy.
Maybe our God,
Is all of us.
Every single one of us.
The ones before us.
Our ancestors.
A combined energy.
Of one.
So large,
And so expansive,
That it never ends.
Its what creates us.
And takes us.
It ends,
Just to begin again.
Sometimes when I think of the future,
I get confused.
Dizzy.
Because I don't feel like we are going forward.
I feel like we are going backwards.
Time is a thought in the first place.
So how can you not see that you have a purpose?
And for you to not question that purpose,
Is almost criminal.
Criminal and hurtful to only yourself.
So the next time I pull my bible off the shelf,
You can go ahead and look at me like I am desperately trying to find a reason.
Because I am.
I am appreciative of the time that I was given.
I know deep inside,
That this is not my home.
If I'm not mistaken,
The time spent here,
Is extremely short.
I feel as if these words at times,
Are my last resort.
To not become who society wants me to be.
As soft as silly putty.
As confused and angry as Hitler himself.
As helpless and as desperate as the million who are starving.
As lost as the drug addicts.
I don't blame them ironically.
As complacent and unaware as the masses.
I cant.
I let this infection run wild until its officially become an abscess.
There has to be a better place then this.
I have no intention of ever forgetting that.
I dream one day to live in it.
Before my time is over.....
I wish to spend my time here,
On this planet,
Loving.
Loving so hard that it hurts me.
So badly.
So deeply.
Repeatedly.

Is Death My Best Friend? 12/14

I've almost legitimately died,
Quite a few times.
The first, was when I was just two years old.
I climbed up on top of our fridge,
And drank an entire bottle of amoxicillin.
The second, was again, when I was just a child.
Years later, after this incident,
I had a severe allergic reaction to this same medicine.
I was lying on my kitchen floor.
I couldn't breathe.
My entire body was horribly itching.
The third was when I was 8.
I almost drowned in the pacific ocean on my birthday.
I was saved that day by strangers.
The fourth was some time before my teens.
My mom couldn't find my pulse.
So the ambulance was called.
I was fully awake.
The paramedics just stared at me.
In a strange disbelief.
Because there was nothing physically wrong with  me.
I simply, felt ill.
The fifth was a car accident.
My head went through double plated glass in the windshield.
Seconds earlier, I had been fighting with my seat belt.
I couldn't get it buckled.
It kept locking.
The sixth was when I tired to take my own life.
When I was still just a child.
I was being force fed pills.
By doctors who didn't know what else to do with my "crazy".
Little did I know,
They were the driving force behind my "crazy".
I struggled with body dysmporhia,
And self mutilation was my form of release.
I literally needed to see myself bleed.
When I think of it today,
That type of pain still hurts me.
Just not to that extreme.
The seventh was when I was attempted to be kidnapped by two Hispanic men.
They almost succeeded in getting me to a second location.
But I knew I would die.
So I tried to fight.
And I ran for my life.
The eighth was on a rafting trip.
Everything including myself,
Was thrown from the raft when it flipped on the first rapid.
It all happened within seconds.
Head first, I went in.
I went under.
I will never forget the sound.
The powerful sound of roaring thunder.
My face hit first.
Breaking my nose.
My left leg was wedged between two rocks.
In that moment,
Time seemed to be stopped.
I opened my eyes under the water.
All I could see was white.
White everywhere.
I could feel my own hair.
Brushing my face and my shoulders.
I felt it in slow motion.
Just like in the movies,
Or legends we are told of,
My life didn't flash before my eyes,
But what did,
Was the minutes before we had all gotten in.
I watched in slow motion as this rope I was entangled in,
Desperately holding onto underwater,
Was slowly pulled,
(While captured in still photos)
From every rubber loop of that inflatable boat.
I opened my eyes again,
As I immediately let go of that rope.
As I floated underwater,
And thought of life and death,
I made a choice.
That I wanted to survive.
Everything that was wrong in my life,
Was temporarily forgotten.
I wanted to live.
I started ripping on my own leg.
Trying to get it un-wedged.
I remember thinking in those split seconds,
That it was ok if I only had one limb left at the end of this.
I just wanted to live.
So badly.
As fast as I was trapped,
I was then released.
As I was surfacing,
I could hear yelling.
Hollering.
Screaming.
Someone tried to grab onto me,
But had to let go.
They kept going back underneath.
I turned to my left and there was my hero.
An ore.
I grabbed onto it and was back in like it never even happened.
But it did.
And it changed me.
Each time I am faced with death,
I'm reminded of why I fight to be here.
Why I want to be here.
I reminds me that I have a purpose.
I'm obviously here for a reason.
The ninth time was after I had given birth.
My baby girl arrived in this world, by C-section.
Although it wasn't my dream,
To have her brought in so un naturally,
I was just happy.
To hold her in my hands.
Within two weeks I was very close to death.
I had gotten an infection in my incision.
I didn't want to believe it.
I kept telling myself what they told me.
"Its going to get worse before it gets any better.
Believe me.
You just went through 30 hours of labor and massive surgery.
You're going to feel like you got hit by a truck Lia."
So I waited.
Day after day.
Holding my baby girl our rocking chair.
Every time my mother begged me to call and ask,
Every time I was told, "It was because I was engorged".
They were wrong.
My mother was right.
And its only because of her that I survived this last time.
I arrived in an emergency room in phoenix Arizona,
In the early a.m. hours.
I'm fortunate enough to still be here to be a mother to my daughter.
I give credit to my mother because I like to be tough.
I had no intention of helping myself.
Like always.
After so many experience's with death,
I became obsessed.
And with each experience,
I also become closure to this so called "heaven".
Its like angels came to me every time.
Helping me to survive.
Because Its just not my time.
The tenth was when I fell asleep behind my wheel.
Going 75.
At 5 a.m.
A bright blue light is what made me open my eyes.
After the shock of the trauma,
I'm left with questions that haunt me.
Its like he's begging me to find the answers.
Even when I sleep,
My mind continues to wander.
Into unfamiliar places that frighten me.
I used to turn away.
Go back the way I came.
Stayed in one place.
Frozen solid.
When these voices started speaking to me.
I've never been so terrified.
Or felt so sensitive.
Scared.
Afraid.
And just simply full of horror.
When unexplainable things happen to you,
You just know there's more.
Nobody can walk in my shoes.
So I just like to show you,
All of these crazy worlds I have been led through.
Being able to talk about my feelings,
And share them publicly,
Is what has forced me to grow the most.
I'm no longer hiding.
My pain is visible.
So is my happiness.
My love.
My freedom.
There is nothing left to run from.
Its all here.
In these hundreds of confessions.
Like I'm talking to God himself sometimes.
While I write these.
Alone in my closet.
I'm claustrophobic.
The small space creates fear.
I do it intentionally.
Making my feelings greater.
Larger.
The contrast creates a mystery in my mind.
And I have to think fast.
So I can be released from this claustrophobic closet.
I share it.
Even though I'm hesitant.
Because I hope we can learn one day;
That we are one.
On a job.
A job of our very own.
So its ok if you don't understand me.
But for your own happiness,
You should learn acceptance.
What is, is what is.
And what will be, will always be.
We are already in a land of make believe.
I just try to show others,
With these life experience's,
That the unimaginable,
Is possible.
How do I show you what I have seen?
Because its almost impossible to even believe.
I don't know why he chose me.
But I have never been more aware of why I am still here.
His plan is working.
And so is his love.
I know there's more waiting for me.
For you too.
If only we could believe in what some consider un-necessary or fantasy.
If we could believe in the power of people too.
If we could believe in the power of LOVE.
We're not all dumb.
We're not all numb.
Imagine the possibilities.
Love each other deeply.
Always remember that days are numbered.
We all meet our fate eventually.
Don't wait.
If we do,
It will be too late. 

Lazy Labels Crazy 12/14

Do you ever walk outside,
And look straight up into the sky?
For just moments,
Pondering your purpose.
Wondering how you got here.
If this was even your original home.
I know....
I sound crazy.

No more insane than these drones.
These secrets.
These manipulations.
What am I suppose to believe?
Is it all lies?
An illusion?
Is my only purpose,
To work,
Make money,
Build a happy family,
And then die?

When I look up straight into the sky,
I dream.
I imagine.
I imagine life on other planets.
I dream of a better society for the one I'm living on.
I close my eyes.
And deeply breathe.
Appreciating,
That much needed oxygen.

I'm courageous in that moment.
Releasing everything.
Picturing it in mind,
Blowing away with the wind.
I turn music loud,
To create a healthy distraction.
I'm writing to it in this very moment.
Allowing myself to feel.
Instead of masking it.
Hiding it.
Covering it up.
I don't want to run from it.

Experiencing foreign things in each second,
Is how I will choose to spend my entire lifetime.
I don't know how to tell you;
I've seen the other side.
There IS something more.
I always felt that there was.
I was enticed to follow it since I was a kid.
Until I finally discovered it.
This journey started when I was 6.
I'm 27.
That's a long travel.

I've multiplied my knowledge.
I want to live to learn.
I don't have any other option.
Once you've seen unicorns,
Horses will never seem as beautiful.
I'm in search for another world.
I know they are out there.
I know that I belong there.
This is not my home.
I've known that since my life initially began.

Every single thing I feel here,
Is strange.
Different.
Wrong.
Over half the time it's horrible.
Even though there is the beautiful.
The gorgeous moments in life that you wish you could capture in pictures.
Hang in a frame and put it on your wall.
So every time you walk past it,
You can be reminded it's not always about feeling the suffocation or the fall.
Above all,
I have this intense need for freedom.
For release.
From all of these pointless and mindless things.
And unfortunately at times, even people.

I want to spend my time in a place less evil.
In a place less stressful.
A place where money doesn't matter.
I know it exists.
I just need to find it.
Now lastly,
We come to strangers who look at me strangely.
Completely perplexed.
Having no idea how to even react.
Because you feel like you've just been attacked.

The unknown turns to fear,
Which in turn,
Is turned onto me.
With a need to point out the obvious.
The differences.
Windows to dark souls,
Looking at me like I'm crazy.
Read that again.
Like, I'm the crazy one.

Forgive me for discarding my motherboard.
And yes,
That was meant to be sarcastic.
I will never apologize for being who I am.
If some think I'm crazy,
That's their prerogative.
I don't love you any less.
On my quest for happiness,
I hope to light some paths.
With my own pain,
And love for language.
I hope to never feel surrounded by judgmental strangers.
Just individuals who experience similar things.
Therefore we find an understanding.

Makes me feel like I am a part of a team.
I guess if I want to make a difference,
I should stop living in dreams and false realities.
But that's where I'm divided.
I know for sure fact,
That there are different dimensions.
With energy of souls existing in them.
They are even desperately trying to communicate in most cases.
You can read that again too.
I don't mind the crazy looks.
How am I to abandon something that so desperately wants to be found,
For something that refuses to make a sound......

Like Beyonce Said: "Who Run The World? Girls" 11/14

You prance around with your un-shattered ego.
Refusing to let me go.
Still, bringing other girls home.
To sleep in your bed.
The same bed, I rest my  head.
Finding different color hair strands in my hands.
Wrapped around my fingertips.
My heart feels like its base jumping in those moments.
My mind is free falling.
Without a parachute.
My rationality is spinning through hoops.
My voice disappears.
Like I was Ariel.
Who gave it to Ursala for my Eric.
My unconditional love is sinking like the Titanic.
So violent.
And sad.
Like with any grieving process,
I become mad.
Irate is more like it.
Out of control.
With a will to do so.
On a rampage of anger.
Everyone becomes a stranger.
Feeling unaware of what they are capable of.
Like a stray cat.
Unlike a free white dove.
Trapped and afraid.
When moments earlier,
I was feeling elated.
This roller coaster that we all know too well,
Is driving me straight to hell.
Allowing another human soul,
To steal my own.
To damage my being.
Leaving me with nothing but these awful feelings.
I never wish to go back.
But again,
I end up trapped.
Falling in love,
Is exactly what they call it.
Falling.
I never question in advance,
Where or when I am going to land.
Just like an innocent child on a ride at Disneyland.
Its so liberating,
That before its even over,
I have a desire to experience it all over again.
Even when I'm hesitant.
Or scared.
I feel compelled.
To pull up pieces from my own soul.
Before its stolen.
On my race to get it back,
Is when I learn the most.
I cant hate those who hurt me,
Because little does anyone know,
Including I,
How much I needed to feel like I was going to die.
How much I needed to be torn apart inside.
Sometimes we need to cry.
There is also no excuse for intentionally hurting another.
Every man,
Should look at every women,
As if it was his mother.
And before you go making that perverted,
Isn't that the problem already?
We are not created for your sexual satisfaction.
And while I'm at it;
I wonder if a man has ever looked at pornography,
Questioning the human being?
Taking away their own need for release in that moment,
And seeing a stranger,
As somebody's daughter.
Not to mention,
There seems to be little attention,
Brought to these life altering events.
Its what makes these behaviors, glorifying.
When the reality is horrifying.
Do you honestly believe those men and women are just simply nymphos?
Who enjoy sex more than the average?
Or do you ever stop to wonder what could have happened to them when they were children?
Why someone would even allow such degrading things when being an educated adult?
Half the time,
They likely don't even remember it happening.
But it created this animal,
Within a human.
With an overly active response to sexual behavior.
Little do we even know,
How we could be one of them also.
There are layers upon layers to everything that has a surface.
Never become complacent.
Nobody realizes how much we contribute to such horrible things.
Like sex abuse and sex trafficking.
Child pornography.
We all know it exists.
But nobody seems to be desperately trying to put a stop to it.
Its our neighbors.
Friends.
Uncles.
Brothers.
Husbands.
Fathers.
Grandfathers.
And we refuse to acknowledge it.
Acknowledge the sick.
I've read about how businessmen travel to Thailand.
Because its the most easiest place to take advantage of children.
I'm tired of men getting away with it.
Its not ok.
Women need to scream with their voices.
Pay attention.
To deceitfulness and manipulation.
Because some men,
Literally just cant help it.
They have a problem.
Taught since they were children,
That its ok to mistreat women.
In fact,
We use to take offense,
When a boy didn't sexually prefer a girl.
Abusing him verbally for not being able to bend his free will.
His preference.
The more manly you are,
The more respected you're given.
So it makes sense,
Why some men don't give a shit about women.
We only draw the line when it becomes physical.
Its not right at all.
I'm blond.
With a chest.
That was only created to feed my children.
I'm tired of standing on this stage.
Who put me here in the first place?
Just because I'm attractive,
Doesn't mean I want or need the attention.
Just because I have self worth,
Doesn't mean I'm a stuck up bitch,
Or that I'm narcissistic.
I'm sure there are many women who are as fed up as I.
The expectations are getting ridiculous.
I would like to go back to spending my time with children.
Sustaining a future.
Not spending it taking care of men.
Men who have no respect.
Men who have little appreciation for women.
We are the only reason your last name is carried.
These incredible bodies that were meant to create life,
Are now only sexualized.
Enough is enough.
We're exhausted.
And please,
Don't lecture me on the 1%.

Are You Bored? 11/14

 

I'm so angry.
And don't want to be.
Its frustrating me.
Driving me crazy actually.
People question things.
Things they see.
Things they hear.
About me and my family.
The ones I love most,
Are some of the most broken.
I will never apologize for being one who believes.
Who doesn't give up.
One who believes in the power of love.
Not just love,
Unconditional love.
The pure kind.
The kind you're given when you're given life.
Birthed into this madness.
You should be taught forgiveness,
Before you're taught history.
You should be taught compassion,
Before you're taught science.
Learning how to love yourself,
Will never leave you with feeling its not enough.
If you look at every sunrise,
To find more appreciation than you find in other times,
You are spending your time,
Wisely.
If you can feel the wind and be inspired,
It has the power to put out internal wild fires.
Hearing the river run, can make you feel elated.
Do you get it yet?
The little things are so important.
Everywhere we turn today,
Its like I'm seeing zombies.
That would give me nightmares as a kid.
This blender full of liquid is exploding,
And nobody can find the lid.
Splattering on every surface.
Making it nearly impossible to clean up.
Part of it will be left behind.
For who knows how long.
Even after you move on,
Someone new is cooking in that kitchen.
And in your mind you think....eh, not my problem.
But it is.
You should have cleaned up your own mess.
How long do we really think this planet can stay sustained at this rate?
How long before we are putting each other on a dinner plate?
Or isn't that already happening?
I cant even get on a social network like Facebook,
And look at someone say,
Like Kim Kardashian,
Without seeing the most hateful comments.
Things I didn't even realize others were capable of feeling.
Where does that come from?
And is it a responsibility of mine, and yours, to ask that question?
Offer them help?
Help that we don't know how to give.
Can we learn together?
I'm nowhere near perfect.
But never a day in my life,
Would it make me feel better to judge someones character.
Belittle and degrade.
humiliating and attacking.
A fragile human being with feelings.
For fun.
For my own entertainment.
Because I'm "bored".
I sit there some days,
With tears in my eyes and just wonder why?
How?
When did this happen to our planet?
To our world.
Blood sucking leaches,
Will not stop at ounces or liters.
They will suck you dry.
So do as I;
Get the up,
Wipe your eyes,
And live your life like someone died.....For you.
Because they did.
Since when did you think it was ok to be awful?
Vile?
Terrible?
You want to ask that father,
On his second tour,
How that makes him feel?
While you sit there acting like an immature 12 year old with no life experience,
Someone is losing the ability to walk,
Fighting for YOUR freedom.
YOUR rights.
The greatest people who ever walked this earth,
Spent their time....
Serving.
Remember that, the next time you're hurting.
Wondering why life is repeatedly, hurting you.
Because you refuse to listen to your heart.
Instead, its our best friends, boyfriends, parents and even strangers.
When will we learn to grow?
As people.
As human beings.
As communities.
Backtracking is exhausting.
Enough already.
Why, are we not just as one nation,
But nations from across this world,
Making excuses for the massive hurting on every street and in every building.
STOP pretending that these things aren't happening!
STOP taking your anger and frustrations out on Kim Kardashian!
Get off Facebook,
And go read about Martin Luther King Jr,
Rosa Parks,
Kennedy,
Lincoln,
People who made a difference!
Why are we acting as if our time isn't running out?
Fastly.
I'm angry.
I have no choice, but to be.
Because, although i will never underestimate the absolute beauty,
I'm angry that nobody will acknowledge these demons.
I refuse to not,
Spend my time,
Living my life.....
Serving.
And to hear some say.... "This is boring".......

Love Is NOT For Sissies 10/22/14

 
Internally searching for something that cant be obtained.
I'm going crazy.
Trying to piece this puzzle together.
I cant accept that I will never understand it.
I will never have answers.
Just questions.
That haunt me.
Having to move forward.
While pretending I'm not being held back.
Emotionally and mentally, under attack.
Chipping away at my confidence.
Stuck between two worlds at all times.
It makes me question everything I've ever had.
There's no aisle in sight.
Because I'm looking behind.
I'm too busy sifting through all that's lacking.
Forgive me,
For believing in happy endings.
I'm discovering,
That I believe for most,
Their purpose was so much more.
Meant to experience.
Who only knows the reasons.
Bad things happen.
There's no stopping it.
Only ducking and dodging.
Like bullets are flying.
With no protective wear,
No vest,
You're feeling extremely vulnerable.
Unable to fully trust your life in someone else's hands.
Unable to let go of control.
Terrified of the outcome.
Terrified that then, there wont be one.
If you don't save yourself,
Who will?
But if you don't let them?
Who can?
I'm hanging like hang man.
With each wrong guess,
This rope is feeling tighter around my neck.
A feeling of impending doom,
Is making the walls feel as if they are caving in.
Love, is something i try so desperately to understand.
because the exact existence in which that i was created from,
Hurt more more than anything or anyone.
Like your parents had just abandoned you.
I became obsessed and consumed with finding reasons for pain.
Not being satisfied with traditions and excuses.
I never wanted to be worthless.
Maybe because that's the only feeling i felt when I was a little girl.
I want to believe.
I refuse to not believe.
There is always something better out there for me.
I know this for a fact.
Because Ive lived in darkness and misery.
Winston Churchill once said,
When you are at the end of your rope,
Tie a knot and hang on.
Had I known that I never left my road,
My one way home.
The hills have almost killed.
But each time I reach the top and take in the beautiful views,
I'm reminded that no matter how much makes me feel like I am out of control,
It is still in my hands.
Because I have free will.
Free will to think and feel,
Exactly how I choose to.
The hardest thing you will ever do,
Is try to be a better you.
Its so easy to run away.
Take it from me,
That you cannot.
You were never meant to.
Traveling in the opposite direction leads to a one way destination.
To no where.
A place you've already been.
But when you find yourself looking forward,
All of the sudden you're filled with excitement.
Anticipation.
You feel elated.
The possibilities are endless.
Its like magic.
You are a living breathing star.
Literally.
Amongst billions.
Believe in the true beauty in all that you are made up of.
An endless universe.
Made up entirely of love.
If it wasn't,
Then we wouldn't exist.
The first breath we take,
Is because of a kiss.
Because of love making.
Master love,
And you master your life.
The way to master love,
It has to always be unconditional.
No matter how scared that makes you feel.
have faith at the end of the day.
Good things happen when you choose to let go of that rope.
You don't always have to be so strong and hang on.
Free fall.
While maintaing responsibility to your families and to humanity.
Be free.
be you.
Be-YOU-tiful.
"There's beauty in everything,
But not everyone can see it."
Begin each day with a fire lit.
The biggest discovery Ive ever made when it comes to love,
Was this;
Even when I was most frightened,
When I run away from love,
It always comes back.
Every. Single. Time.
So that would lead me to question if it was in fact,
Meant to be.
The exact thing that I am most afraid of,
Is the only thing that has never given up on me.
It comes back with a vengeance.
So powerful.
It knocks me over.
It scares me.
I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like Its attacking me.
Smothering me.
When in fact,
The only thing it was trying to do all along,
Was teach me.
Continually hurting me.
Because I refuse to learn and listen.
Ironic.
Isn't it.
That I was responsible for my happiness.
I gave that job to love.
And was quick to abandon it.
When the results weren't enough.
Today,
I'm choosing to not walk away.
Facing reality.
That I cant hate what made me. 

Do You Ever Question Heaven? 10/14

 
I took a trip to heaven.
I cant seem to figure out if it was a dream,
Or reality.
Its happened more than once.
It happens nearly everyday.
When the sunrises are so beautiful that I don't even have words to say.
Or when the rain makes it easier to inhale.
Replenishing everything.
Even in worldly disasters,
I cant help but to see the bigger picture.
Looking behind the sadness,
The disaster,
Will take away some of the madness.
It will answer questions.
If you ask yourself why enough,
Answers start flying in at midnight train stations,
When you least expect it.
Lights come on to help guide you along.
I don't know if there is a "God".
But what I do know,
Is that my heart is related to a higher power.
I and you,
Are so much more than we allow ourselves to consume.
Skimming the surface,
Will leave you hurting,
With constantly wondering and living without a purpose.
You have to dive deep.
You have to travel beyond defeat.
Let that feeling sink in.
Let it burn.
The longer it hurts,
The more you learn.
Creative people are looking through a kaleidoscope.
Into a different world than the average.
Magical people.
That are "different".
The ones that are picked on as children,
Sometimes grow up to be the ones who create the difference.
You see how all of it works.?
And when you're not learning,
Refusing gravity,
Refusing your purpose,
Something horrible happens that deeply hurts you.
And for even moments,
Your mind travels off its beaten path.
To ask yourself things, You never have.
That's the purpose of being here.
You thought it was to be perfect?
You'll discover the hard way,
How wrong that was all along.
When I was a child,
There wasn't a person who could tell me something I didn't already know.
I knew everything.
That's why I was covered in gasoline.
And lit on fire.
The charred remains,
Had left me without a face or name.
Why do you think this blog of poetry,
Is called a journey?
I'm discovering life,
As an adult.
Because I refused to listen and be like other children.
I wanted to grow at such a fast and rapid pace,
I forced it too soon.
And now I'm back tracking.
Stuck at ten.
That's where "God" stepped in.
He'd never turn his back on one of his children.
Especially children.
He grabbed my hand and showed me heaven.
So that I could try to show you.
Show you that pain is tough love.
Show you that this isn't a game.
Our time is short.
It could always be too late.
Show you that this intense landscape of beauty,
Is the purpose.
On earth, As it is in heaven.
I don't believe there are golden gates.
If there were,
We are already standing there.
Every day is judgment day.
Its not about repenting.
Its about discovering.
If he created all of this,
Then he understands more than you think.
And maybe the He, Is we.
You and I.
And him and her.
WE ARE THE UNIVERSE.
He is us.
And we are him.
The titles are what create the hatred.
By those who cant understand and refuse to learn.
Filled with entitlement.
So they blame everyone and everything for their hurting.
Choices and free will,
Can take you to some pretty dark places.
But I think that's the purpose.
If you truly love,
Then you let it go.
If it comes back,
It was meant to be,
And if it doesn't,
It never was.
Nobody can force you to love and live in light.
If you don't,
That's your choice.
If that's where you want to be,
Then end your own fight.
Turn off the lights.
Be alone and sad.
That is nobodies choice but your own.
Don't blame it on the absence of your dad,
Or the hard times of when you were an undergrad.
Don't blame anybody for putting that pipe or bottle to your mouth.
Or that needle to your own beating heart.
I chose heaven.
I don't know about you,
But not knowing if it exists or not,
Was completely irrelevant.
Even before I "found it".
Because all I ever wanted was to be happy.
So if being seen by others as,
A liberal,
Weak and theatrical,
Believing in a lie,
I can say,
That the only true lie,
Is refusing to believe in something just because you've never seen it.
Just because you haven't,
Doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Refusing to grow,
Is whats weak.
And if believing,
Makes it uncomfortable,
Then I would say there is a problem.
Its not with me.
Without dreaming you're trapping yourself in one reality.
Don't allow the world to brain wash you.
You're stuck at ten too.
But you disowned that child.
When they have something to say,
Is when we get frightened and run away.
When you're weak and vulnerable,
Its easier for evil to find and invade you.
So stop running.
And listen.
As painful as it is,
Love is the reason.
No matter how angry you are that you cannot believe it,
You deserve happiness.
So stop running and hiding from it.
Believe in fairy tales,
And perfect men in the sky.
Look at rainbows,
And cry.
That fact that we are given life,
Right now in this moment,
Is what heaven is all about.
heaven is whatever you choose for it to be.
So if you want to be angry and sad,
Then say goodbye to me.
I'm spreading my wings.
Spending my time,
Being happy and ten,
In heaven with other children.
In this moment.....
I don't even know who I am speaking to.
Is it for me?
Or is it for you?

Love Can Burn 10/14

 

I'm suffocating in thoughts of you.
I want to move on.
I just don't know how to.
You are half of me.
Almost everything I remember,
Goes back to a time where you were a part of all of it.
I think of you,
And I get sick.
Physically ill.
Emotionally,
Out of control.
Because of it,
Becoming extremely frustrated.
I want my mind,
Body,
And soul back.
I want to be the girl I was before my first kiss.
On shafford road.
That's not how life works though.
I wouldn't even want that kind of luck.
This experience has forced me to grow tremendously.
Without the positive aspects,
I would have been even more broken in retrospect.
Love,
Saved my life.
I was in desperate need of it.
Unaware of it.
There was a lack of it.
I wasn't one of the talented.
I'm still not.
I jump into the deep end.
I get lost.
I begin to drown.
In feelings and emotions that I cant accept.
They are rejected.
My own perspective,
And need of protection is what is projected.
I'm scared to death.
So I run for my life.
Away from you.
Away from most things beautiful.
I run towards the sadness.
The vulnerability.
The absolute madness.
Because its the only thing that feels normal to me.
Even though my smart brain,
Knows that its unhealthy.
Sadly,
That is in fact my reality.
The only thing I ever knew.
My entire family deserved more.
My mother.
And her own mother.
Colliding with evil,
Will change you forever.
You conceive broken people.
Giving birth to mental illness.
Because you live in a world that is loveless.
Lifeless.
Moments are brought because of your birth,
Of pure happiness.
But then comes frustration.
When you cant be given,
What your innocent self is deserved.
You grow rapidly.
Eventually,
Falling into this thing called "love".
Offered by others.
And in a strange way,
Its smothering.
Despite being beautiful.
You're use to being out of control.
But not in this way.
Its too much and you feel like you need to get away.
Escape back to a dark place.
A place where you feel like you actually belong.
Suddenly you cant.
You're trapped.
In a box.
In a cage.
While your mind is spinning.
You feel like you're officially insane.
Crazy.
You look around at others experiencing this,
They are getting married.
Having kids.
It looks like a Disney fairytale.
Its stunningly beautiful.
You look at it all with envious eyes.
It makes your heart hurt inside.
Because you know you'll never experience it.
Watching my grandparents,
Who were married for 52 years,
Doesn't give me any of hope.
You see,
Because their love too,
Was broken.
Creating 8 children despite this.
26 grandchildren to come of this.
And even more after their untimely departure.
Multiplying and spreading like the disease evil is.
If you traveled to another dimension,
And asked my grandmother,
There's a good chance she'd say she'd do it all over again.
If you're lucky,
You might miss this.
Be kissed by one who is not infected.
I don't know that its luck though.
You live the rest of your life feeling like you need to be protected.
Because even the uninfected are scared of rejection.
We all need compassion.
And love.
But some will never know how to accept it.
Only to reject it.
Something went wrong when they were children.
Now its just simply a race to the beginning.
Not to the end.
Before you live an entire lifetime of lies, the past, and pretend.
Trying to hide and run away from your own self.
Your own feelings and emotions.
Running away from the simple fact that your broken.
Take back control.
By never feeling like you need another.
And before you do,
Remember that you don't have anything to offer.
Not even if you unexpectedly give birth to a perfect daughter.
But when you gave birth,
Little did you know that was the first step taken,
In loving yourself.
Seeing yourself as you were meant to be.
An innocent miracle.
This is where I learned something about love.
Finally.
There is no curse.
You just have to learn to love yourself first.
Its possible,
Even if someone rips that away after birth.

It's Ok To Be Broken 9/14

The devil is very real.
The truths in this world are guarded safely.
They are meant to never be revealed.
You have to go looking for answers.
To questions that you ponder in your head.
Questions that circle everyday.
Everything is undead.
Not only walking beside you,
But rather inside of you.
My grandmother is one in mind.
I turn around in a panic,
To things I cant understand.
I'm convinced its her,
Who gently tugs on my hair strands.
In the back of my head.
Or when a smell takes over that stops you in your tracks.
Its strong.
Making sure you notice.
You look around in curiosity.
Because in the place you are in,
There is no way you should be smelling it.
Little things along the way,
To make sure we don't forget that they are there.
Trying to communicate.
That part is why my mind cant seem to concentrate.
I can only contemplate.
And wonder.
What is the purpose of them wanting to be discovered.
What are they trying to say.
They try so hard.
So it has to be for a reason.
Because just like a human,
The afterlife seems to be full of some who are still unhappy.
Its lead me to question what it is exactly that I hope for.
Wish for.
Dream.
Want.
When the answers started to come,
I was shocked.
Stopped dead in my tracks.
Once again.
Because I started to see....
That I will always be one,
Who was slightly unhappy.
Who never had enough.
Dreaming so big that you remove yourself from reality.
Into a magical one.
Where anything is possible.
No matter what is put in your way.
Or how many obstacle's.
You see things that shouldn't exist.
There is a force behind you.
Moving you into all of this.
Giving you no other option.
As you're catapulted forward.
Leaving things behind.
That you had hoped to keep with you.
Forever.
In each moment that you travel forward,
Everything behind you is just in a distance now.
Getting further,
You are feeling emptier.
Even with rainbows and unicorns,
I don't have have my loved ones.
My family.
Again I'm questioning.
Everything.
What is important.
What do you truly wish for.
Within a split second,
I smashed into the pavement.
Back to reality.
Shot down in mid thought.
Now all that's left is fragments littering the cement.
I'm scattered into a million little pieces.
Fighting for my own pieces.
Fighting off minions for them.
Have you ever seen tears on a warrior.
Its painful.
Or your prom queen die.
Right in front of your eyes.
Not just seconds,
Minutes,
Days,
Weeks,
Or even months.
Years.
Walking on this pavement,
I looked up.
To see my own soul dangling.
The thing I wanted most.
I ran.
Chased.
Encased myself with obtaining it.
Obsessed.
I preached about never becoming selfish,
And all in the meanwhile lost my entire family.
Here i am again,
Writing.
Words that don't even matter.
Because I thought I had the strength,
And the smarts,
To follow them.
I don't.
Instead I give myself ultimatum's.
Choosing myself,
What is true,
False.
Fake.
Real.
Fantasy,
Altered realities.
When who do I think I am?
God?
With some master plan?
Maybe he is trying to currently put me in my place.
Because I'm angry.
With anger comes weakness.
To be weak enough to let in the devil and his minions.
I don't ever wish to be one of them.
Have you ever had to do something you really didn't want to do?
But you had to?
Because it was the right thing to do?
Dealing with the criticism that involves such decisions.
And the life altering events.
They try so hard to change you.
I use to gladly let them.
Thinking it would only make me a better human being.
But now I'm thinking,
That i should have never let in any of it.
I should have fought for myself.
Like I am now.
I don't want it to change me anymore.
Because when its more than I can fathom,
I become a monster.
An angry beast.
Who doesn't act like herself.
Judgmental.
With a lack of compassion.
I become a kind of walking zombie.
Similar to you.
And the drug that uses you.
I let myself travel in these moments.
To hurtful places.
I cant seem to figure out if it is a good thing.
Because you see,
We are all only human beings.
So how did I not see it coming.
I was on a different level than your pedestal.
You were able to see more than I.
At different times.
The older I get,
The more I understand you.
Because I'm going insane too.
This is what happens when you try to hide pain.
It destroys everything.
Down to your free will.
There's a different person inside who begins to take over.
Making the choices for you.
When you speak,
Depending on the person,
That too becomes different.
We all have something we would like to portray.
But something a little different that lies within.
Never seeing the beautiful.
Because its hidden.
And this.....
Is where I think the dead come in.
Maybe they want us to free ourselves.
Before we are forever trapped in pain.
In order to see clear blue skies,
And angels in heaven,
Even if for the illusion to try and depict a different dimension,
A gorgeous dimension,
Don't ever try to be perfect.
Its ok to be broken.
You're more beautiful,
When you're simply human.

Forrests Of Freedom 6/14

 
Walking through this dark Forrest,
I can hear music.
Electronic music.
I walk closer.
Engulfed in a mist.
Out of nowhere,
I am kissed.
I open my eyes to bright lights.
Flashing everywhere around me.
Love is filling the atmosphere.
This place,
In the middle of nowhere,
Makes me feel like I'm existing in the most magical galaxies,
People are sparkling like stars.
Flashing beautiful qualities.
I cant even feel my knees.
Its like I'm floating.
Being carried.
Absolutely weightless.
The freedom is so intense.
I want to scream.
Run.
Dance.
Sing.
Fly.
In any way possible.
No longer connected to maronite strings.
Its like the ages before your teens.
When your mind is full of wonder.
Curiosity.
Imagination.
There is no hesitation.
We are simply wild and care free children.
When life comes to a certain stage,
Some will tell you to grow up and act your age.
But pay them no mind.
And focus on your own.
Don't forget about fun.
Don't forget to take a stroll through the Forrest,
In the middle of the night.
You too,
Could stumble upon these lights.
Music.
Love.
Fun.
You could stumble upon this intense freedom.
When you live for yourself,
You're in fact still helping.
As long as you don't let in selfishness.
Be the very best you can be.
Not for me.
Or her.
Or him.
Or your parents.
For you.
For yourself.
Because you deserve it.
And you likely don't even know it.
We are too busy giving and giving.
And getting use to people taking and taking.
Until the routine breaks.
And you begin again.
Without learning.
That you cannot live through others.
That will leave you feeling bitter.
I know this for a fact.
Because this is what happened.
To me before I went weak in the knees.
My heart was on a rampage.
Filled with so much dedication.
Desire.
And devotion.
That I didn't know what to do with.
I totally lost it.
All in the while,
Taking years to learn that I needed to apply it.
To what matters most.
If I want to help,
I cant be broken.
I started this road with that knowledge.
And along the way,
Found the real reason I had went astray.
But in finding myself astray,
I also found myself.
So I cant say that is what a regret made.
It was fate.
It was my purpose.
To find these lights.
This love.
These people.
The things that want to consume you,
Live in every dark corner of this world.
Even in these dark woods.
But i was never afraid.
And you shouldn't be either.
Because what you could discover,
Is that we are each other.
You are me.
And I am you.
The difference's are what makes things so beautiful.
So kiss me before I fall.
And when I stand again,
Taller than ever,
I fly away flashing my gorgeous colors.
Because this life was not meant to be comfortable.
I need to find another adventure.
But you could come with me.
And we could live together.
Forever.
Dancing.
Singing.
Sailing.
Failing.
Falling.
But never stalling.
Thriving.
Rising.
Compromising.
Simply loving.
Existing.
In flashing lights.
Of neon colors.
With sounds of music and laughter.
Drowning out the chaos.
Freedom is not a gift.
Freedom is earned.
Its tremendously,
Courageous hard work.
So now.....
Show yourself what you're mad of.
Its your turn.

Numbered Days, Driven By Faith 8/14

Palms sweaty.
Heart racing.
I'm internally pacing.
Retracing every step I've ever taken.
Contemplating.
Everything.
Wondering and thinking.
So intensely.
Fastly.
Pondering my creation.
And the purpose of it all.
Why am I here.
To free fall.
To feel pain and fear.
Before love and happiness.
Therefore you can actually live to appreciate it.
Without the pain,
I would never be able to notice what I've gained.
What I've noticed,
Is astonishing.
Its mind boggling.
It throws me through loops.
Lit on fire.
Like I'm in a circus.
Down to my attire.
What I see through my eyes,
And what I feel in my heart is crazy.
My perspective is rose tinted.
Like a kaleidoscope of colors.
The rainbow never ends is what I've discovered.
The pot of gold is the rainbow itself.
The rain.
The sun.
This planet.
The life we are living is a pure gift.
That most take for granted.
I did too.
For most of my existence.
Until I started searching for the purpose of why I was initially created.
There has to be a reason.
We should already know thanks to science.
But instead fill our hearts with lies.
Well, at least I did.
I thought I knew everything.
But I was blinded.
By materialism.
How can you not become complacent,
When you're only worried about one thing.
Money.
Spending every waking moment chasing a piece of paper.
You begin to lose your name.
Your face.
You're remembered by an 8 digit number,
To anyone outside of your immediate family.
Your purpose is forgotten.
Your purpose is lost.
When you're caught up in costs.
Caught up in labels.
And mortgages.
You cant do anything these days,
Without paying too much for it.
You cant even give a proper burial,
To a loved one,
On average for less than 5,000 dollars.
Why does it cost thousands to be buried in a wooden casket.
Because we are mistreated.
And we allow it.
As a nation,
A society,
Individuals,
What has happened to our morals.
Standards.
Self worth.
Our respect.
Our common sense.
Sadly,
I write a lot of these poems on my iPhone.
With music to inspire me.
My iPhone is secretly my favorite accessory.
I would embarrassingly say,
That its suddenly become a necessity.
When most days,
I just want to throw it out the window.
So I don't understand it.
I preach to follow our hearts,
And ignore my own.
I write about feelings as a way to never forget.
But there's so much in my own life that I regret.
I always wish for happiness,
But then push it away if it even gets close to me.
I'm a walking contradiction.
In every sense.
Because to me.....
Nothing makes sense.
This life makes me feel as if there is more than one person,
Trapped inside of me.
I search for myself.
Through all of my past lives.
That interrupt my present.
When I break free,
They invade my dreams.
As a way to make sure I'm never released.
Because I'm not suppose to be.
I've always craved it and desperately wanted that.
Until today.
Now I find myself running back.
Racing down hallways.
Ripping open doors.
Tearing up walls and floors.
Because I've discovered the pain,
Is the only thing consistent.
The only thing that was meant to be.
Because this life wasn't meant to be peaceful.
I'm here to learn.
Not to be happy.
The euphoria will come,
When Its my time.
One day, Heaven will be my turn.
And then I can look at my father in return,
With tears in my eyes,
And say thank you.
I not only survived.
I thrived.
I saw life with my burning eyes.
I felt unconditional love.
I watched sunsets,
From mountain tops,
Pondering your love and everything in between.
Tonight,
When I rest on my knees,
I will not be praying for relief.
I will be praying for keys.
To new doors.
As frustrating as this life can be,
Its only a matter of time before I'm on my home.
So I'm going to be grateful.
And try to live peacefully.

Abandonment Issues 8/20/14

When I was a little girl,
I had dreams like majority of this world.
I dreamed of being successful.
Helpful.
I dreamed of being anything great.
Never thinking about time.
And how it changes things.
I was just living in this false reality.
This world filled with fairy tales and these unattainable dreams.
When you're just one girl,
It seems impossible to change the world.
I understand that it's not healthy to have a life that's perfect.
But I just had hoped this life would be worth it.
I feel like these days,
I have to fight for it.
Everyday.
New laws,
New reforms,
Thanks to my government.
It has nothing to do with people voting.
The public is losing.
Each day,
More of our rights are ripped away.
They expect people to remain voiceless and simply obey.
The "rules" are fairly easy.
Keep the peace and keep the secrets.
If you don't,
You could suddenly, and unexpectedly, sink.
They'll make sure you don't float.
The higher you get,
The more you become a "risk".
A target of some sort.
In most cases,
I could draw you a blueprint.
Its so transparent.
All of it.
Even though you're treated like a sheep.
So much smarter than they would like to believe.
Because you see,
Most people don't actually want to see you happy.
It makes them angry.
When I was dreaming these dreams,
This was never a part of it.
I didn't see it.
My innocent imagination,
Couldn't have thought of something so hateful.
I wasn't prepared for it.
It derailed me.
Stalled me.
It took many years to keep it moving.
Blazing full force ahead despite anything that's in my path.
I refuse to stop for nothing now.
Because if I do,
You'll kill me somehow.
Or at least try to.
Don't lie.
Think right now of the richest person you know of.
All of the sudden you're filled with envy.
Jealousy.
Greed.
All because of a piece of paper.
Because of money.
But before feeling guilty,
Imagine this....
You were raised by an entire society.
Not just a couple people.
Your music.
Your televisions.
Sports events.
Fashion shows.
School.
Especially college.
You're no longer an innocent little kid.
You were thrown into shark infested waters,
Making sure you were bleeding first,
And asked to swim.
Like your life depended on it.
You can hear laughing when you cant quite make it.
You're drowning to these voices.
Slowly.
But surely.
In this moment your survival instincts aren't kicking in like they should.
And you cant understand why.
Until you open your eyes.
Underwater your entire life is flashing.
Like you're at a drive in.
What you see is hurtful.
But masked with such beautiful moments.
That are only moments.
Never lasting as long as they should.
Never lasting as long as you want them to.
In the next moment,
All you can see is red.
If life is so beautiful....
Why do we have to search so far for the great.
I remember the first day I took interest in what the government was doing.
9/11.
School was cancelled and I watched the whole thing on the news.
I watched planes crash into indestructible structures.
Thousands screaming and running.
I saw people in those buildings,
Jumping.
Years later,
I was curious about the conspiracy.
The tyranny and anarchy.
The lack of compassion and empathy,
Lead me down an unforgettable road.
I cant go back.
Even if I physically could.
My dreams were shattered and with that,
Came a feeling I didn't even know I was capable of.
Hatred.
Revenge.
Wanting people to be held accountable.
For their actions.
Their bills.
Their corrupt laws,
Legislation's and declarations.
Their alien like politicians and presidents.
That have been no better.
Do they do their jobs for themselves?
Or for you?
Me?
Someone please tell me!
I'm lost.
Left with loss.
And anger.
Turn around and asked to be a contributing citizen.
In mediocre things like sports events.
A waste of time if you ask me.
Because what you're missing,
That to me is so transparent,
Is that this "entertainment",
Is there to control your brain.
Your thoughts and therefore your actions.
Its really simply.
its only science.
I remember my grandmother telling me that,
Things would "rot my brain".
If only I knew what that truly meant when I was a little girl.
Such a fragile woman,
But far from ignorant.
Smartest I've ever known.
Trying to jam pack life lessons into my heart,
And into my brain like she was running out of time.
And she was right once again.
She was forced to leave me.
When she was only in her 60's.
Cancer is a terrible disease.
Once again,
Because of pain,
I went searching through information.
Trying to learn so I could understand.
And get rid of this unwanted hatred.
Desperately trying to mask what I was taught.
I abruptly learned,
I had no choice but to cover it up.
I choose to look at it as if its the Mona Lisa.
There's many layers underneath the beauty.
Of struggle.
Of pain and frustration.
Not all that glitters is gold.
I figured that out when I was 12 years old.
My words are not judgments.
They are observations.
And if I'm kept in captivation,
I feel like its clearly my occupation.
An obligation.
To learn.
To teach.
To share.
To light the darkness and put love into the air.
Even when its painfully truthful,
I will not hide how I truly feel.
That deep, silent suffering,
Is enough to kill.
So excuse me for using my free will.
I'm only trying to survive.
Just like you.
So as easy as it is,
To look into my eyes,
Belittle and lie to me,
Save it for it another day.
Because in this moment I'm beautifully free.
Not afraid of the fact that you will eventually deceive me.

Forbidden Love 7/14

I hear you screaming my name.
So I turn around to see your face.
You're nothing of which I envisioned.
Everything about you,
Is just so different.
I cant comprehend it.
It doesn't makes sense.
Never has.
And likely never will.
I'm tired of holding it in.
I'm tired of concealing it.
Afraid of revival.
Constant fear.
Coming back from the dead.
Turning around was something I dreaded.
Knowing that happiness,
Is about life choices,
I'm still not sure that I should listen to these voices.
Confusion can be compared to delusion.
Its all one big mess.
One big maze.
With the ending destination,
Always being your face.
Every time I leave,
I miss this place.
And every time I return,
I'm reminded of why I left.
So why do I return?
Its as if I love the burn.
The intense passion and desire.
That I cant seem to find anywhere else.
But the one place I shouldn't.
At times, Its like Its a problem of dependency.
Of someone who I shouldn't even trust.
At one point being as close as family.
This fantasy stole my dignity.
The lack of honesty has left me blinded.
The memory is like a melody.
So beautifully painful that I cannot forget it.
The entire 17 year experience was like years to achieve a PH. D. in psychology.
Like I'm a prodigy.
Received so much information from one person that it changed my common sense.
My ending.
Every failed strategy,
Is woven into this huge colorful tapestry.
In dwelling in the sympathy for myself from my own life lost,
I achieved victory.
As complicated as its always been,
Its my classroom.
The brutality and the complexities,
Created such an incredibly beautiful thing.
Soul mates can travel as far as they would like,
But no matter what they will come back into your life.
Time and time again.
But here's where there comes the complications.
Lovers can be mistaken for friends.
And friends mistaken for lovers.
Appreciate the annoyance.
Because before you know it,
It will all be over.
Your entire life that is.
Its about the journey.
Not the destination.
But in the frustration,
You may begin to lose yourself.
Just as I had done.
Likely because of what this journey has made you become.
A piece of Mosaic art.
Fragile glass.
That's been shattered apart.
Or like the Mona Lisa.
So many years,
Love, and effort put into one single piece of art.
Irreplaceable.
So live your life like you're officially unsavable.
Face the inevitable.
Your time will run out.
Don't spend too much time on doubts.
Fly.
Fall.
Sprint.
Run.
Don't give into ultimatums.
Feel liberated.
Feel free.
Because you are.
I had to walk out of hell,
To see the stars.
You should see them.
Such a beautiful light that they create the feeling of freedom.
Love between two people,
Is such a small part of life.
If husbands and wives,
Truly loved each other,
Or anybody else for that matter,
Cut the strings.
Embrace the fall.
Let them be free.
Because that's what we were born to be.
Although you make have hurt me,
You gave me the most priceless gift.
The freedom to be nothing but me.
Even if I am crazy.
You love me anyway.
Thank you forbidden love.
 

Advice For Lies 7/14

I look around.
And what I see is terrifying.
To say the least.
Watching what you love most be destroyed,
With no relief.
It's heartbreaking to see.
I want to scream.
To run.
Fly.
Anything but die.
When you suddenly realize,
You have no choice,
No voice,
It makes you want to go crazy.
The truth and whats right,
Is clearly distorted in this moment.
This moment of anger and sadness.
This life is madness.
Some say its what you make it.
And I do believe that to be true.
But let me ask you,
If you whole heartedly believe that to be true?
I'm not so sure.
Because in that case,
I cant even handle the reflection in my mirror.
Fully knowing these things are happening in the world we live in.
The world where we raise our children.
And I'm asked to let go of what I cant change.
To feel blessed.
Not complain.
Remember that I'm not in control.
There's only one man with that role.
But even if you are religious,
Don't you believe he wants you to use your capabilities?
To change and save lives with every waking moment of ours.
I believe love was intended to be so much more than one or two doors.
More than between children.
Friends.
Family.
Or even lovers.
It was meant to be like a pool cover.
Protecting this holy water.
From being contaminated.
or tainted.
Dirty.
With hypocrisy and hatred filled theories.
From jealousy.
Envy.
Greed.
Mystery.
It was meant to be given in abundance.
To take advantage of every chance you get.
You're walking a fine line when you confuse loyalty for another,
of robbing yourself of freedom.
Sure you could do it together.
But most relationships are intended to smoother.
Because we are broken people.
I'm hoping you have my missing pieces.
But what I'm missing,
And you as well,
Is that we will never find those pieces in the depths of hell.
In the depths of each other.
You must be brave enough to love yourself.
Before anyone else.
Follow the bells.
The chimes in your head.
All day and all night long.
Like they are trying to forcibly make you memorize this song.
I think he wants us to get lost.
Looking around again,
I've never been more convinced of that statement.
We are simply human.
Created to be flawed.
Make mistakes.
And learn how to solve them.
The true testament,
Is how you choose to do that.
With your heart or a bobcat.
We are all children from somewhere.
So get out of my hair.
I can feel an atheist,
Slowly getting heated.
Because I'm talking about something they don't understand.
Something they chose not to believe in for whatever their reason.
That's ok with me.
You have your own journey.
But don't step on my path with muddy shoes.
I'm only speaking of the things god tried to show you,
But you felt like you already knew.
If it bothers you,
That's your own problem.
My right of freedom,
Is exactly why I wrote this.
I just watched a video on Facebook,
That made me sick.
Police men,
Abusing their privileges.
Their honor.
Their oath.
Instead a drunk women gets beaten in the throat.
Pulled to her feet by her hair.
There was more than one police officer standing there.
These things are happening everywhere.
And I'm asked to sit on my hands.
Shut up and vote.
I'm asked to not use my voice.
To sit down.
Intimidation and fear tactics are being practiced.
To make sure the black sheep doesn't ruin all this hard work of manipulation.
Must be exhausting.
Trying to hide the lies.
Its no wonder they brought in fluoride.
Adding it to city drinking water.
Making sure we vote first.
To make us believe we had a choice.
Using it in prison camps for control.
Its 2014 now.
We have no idea the things that are about to unfold.
Who am I kidding!
They are already happening.
Its hard to lay down each night, and pray to the sky.
Only hoping that everything will be alright.
Why most don't take action,
Blows my mind.
That's why I sit here,
Time after time,
And feel more alone than I ever have.
I cant change that I'm different.
I can never go back.
And I don't want to.
I would only hope to spark another train of thought in you.
Never doing that,
If I didn't think it was beautiful.
I pray to not be alone in this world.
And I know I'm not now.
I found him.
Some how.
Maybe because I desperately want him to be there.
I desperately hope that there is something more.
Because of this,
I live in mansions.
With hundreds of doors.
I find stair cases,
Equivalent to heaven when walking these floors.
These outdoor over grown paths.
Filled with sunflowers and laughter.
Although I might be a disaster,
And never find my happily ever after,
Even if this world never changes before my time is over,
You should know like I do,
That my body may dissipate,
But my soul with forever remain.
And because of this,
Life is so much more than names.
Faces.
Poverty.
Corruptions.
Manipulations.
Alters.
My absent fathers.
Life is about love.
Above all else.
And I will never allow myself to be crippled by somebody else.

 

Retarded Hearts 7/18/14

Internally screaming.
And leaping.
To places beyond this reality.
Places that risk fatality.
Maybe to feel fully alive.
I have no idea why.
In this very moment,
I'm breaking down.

Falling apart.
My heart is pouring out of my eyes.
In my chest,
I feel like I'm going to die.
Broken heart.
Or a heart attack.
Again.
I have no idea why.
All I know is that I want to take it back.
All of it.
Every single second.
None of it makes sense.
And never will.
It destroys my free will.
It creates a monster that wants to kill.
Metaphorically speaking.
But does it really matter.
When your life is this much of a disaster.
Where are the happily ever after's.
I only see them in pictures.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of being mistreated.
My heart and the bible tell me to continue.
To keep going.
To be the person I truly am.
But how is this possible when I'm being driven insane.
By people who only use their brains.
Their compassion and their heart have been torn apart.
Shredded.
Its gone.
Its dead.
I get a lot of finger pointed at my face.
At my character.
With labels like slut and crazy.
But how can this be.
When a lack of empathy,
Also compassion is a psychopath by definition.
And I'm the one who's crazy?
What is happening.
There's a saying.
"Its happening around you. Not to you."
I'm finding that hard to be true.
Why do people deliberately hurt you.
Why are the biggest hearts,
The ones to always be screwed.
Where's the incentive.
I'm losing my patients.
I'm losing control.
I never wanted it to begin with.
Free falling is where I belong.
Not trapped in a stall.
Caged like an animal.
Being whipped and tamed.
All for ones entertainment.
I'm angry.
And I have every right to be.
With nowhere else to turn,
I turn to ink.
To pen.
To paper.
I turn to words.
To sort through this massive blur.
I cant see.
Its burning my eyes.
And my heart feels like its slowly dying.
I cant find a reason to keep believing.
Because people keep stealing these reasons.
One would ask,
Why do you let them?
Why do you allow it?
Well the answer to that,
You wouldn't even believe.
This different reality,
This false one,
Brain washed the fuck out of me.
Stockholm syndrome.
A kidnapped victim.
Made to believe that her capture cared for her.
That he actually loved her.
When in fact,
It was a sick individual.
Who kept you chained to the floor.
For 17 years you dreamed of freedom.
Afraid to leave.
Because you've been made to believe evil things.
Things that one doesn't do to another when they truly love them.
So here I am.
Contemplating.
That word.
Love.
What does it even mean?
I'll never know.
Because you destroyed a little girl.
Physically and emotionally raping her for years.
Filling her with false love.
And false freedom.
Ruining a human being.
Might as well be a murderer.
Because of you,
Ill never be what I should.
And if I even come close,
It will be an absolute miracle.
I will have to fight for it like I'm fighting for my life.
Every single day that I open my eyes.
Some make it very hard.
To not be full of hatred.
They rob you of things that are sacred.
Not everybody is evil.
But I'm getting lost sifting through these people.
These psychopaths.
When it becomes too overwhelming,
I turn to myself.
And start ripping down walls.
I trip myself.
Making me fall.
Maybe today......
I finally learned my lesson after all.

Broken Knees 6/14

Peering through this kaleidoscope.
These colors where like my antidote.
To heal a heart that was completely broken.
Unable to love herself.
Unable to stare at a reflection.
A girl who lived with only one intention.
To die.
God heard my cries.
And he sent an angel to walk right by my side.
So many things rush through my mind when I look into her eyes.
I cant help but to smile.
That's where the light came on.
I realized he did this purposely all along.
As a way to keep me here on earth.
So that I wouldn't make myself return.
He replaced every doubt with love.
And I'm sure that's no coincidence.
To me,
It makes perfect sense.
He couldn't handle me arriving at the wrong gates.
So he stepped in and changed my fate.
Its never too early.
Nor too late.
It happens when its meant to.
Whether you are a teenager or forty two.
This gift,
That has just been given to you,
Is a sheer test to what you are about to be put through.
Before they even arrive,
They change your entire lives.
Having to make decisions that are so important.
Its a matter of life and death for this embryo or infant.
And in that moment,
God is watching you with amazement.
Looking at his child like a trophy he is proud of.
You cant even see it.
You can only feel the love.
The love that engulfs maternity wards like its a raging fire.
Even in the silence,
Walking the halls with pain that was immense,
I could sense it.
Despite it being crazy and painful,
The minute we stand up from that wheelchair,
And look down at this perfect being with perfect hair,
We cannot take our eyes off of them.
You can only smile and stare.
Off you go to create a fairytale.
Thinking back on all of this,
Gave me answers that I had missed.
I thought it was punishment.
I had it all wrong.
So horribly wrong.
He had to wake me with a symphony of songs.
That roared all night long.
He pushed me to a ledge and said,
Fall or fly.
Its your choice if you want to die.
But I'm still right here.
In front of your eyes.
Offering you the love you've searched for your entire life.
He looks into my own bluish green eyes with his.
Its like he knew it would always come to this.
It was like he had prepared for it.
Leaving me a trial of cookie crumbs.
To love and absolute freedom.
No matter what in life happens.
He created me with massive strength.
And drug me away from the devil.
He made me a child solider.
He in fact,
Put the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Like it was in training.
Because he knew one day I would be speaking.
And teaching.
Of what he showed me when peering through that kaleidoscope.
The colors that blinded.
The emotions that changed my mind.
Somewhere deep inside,
I knew I would never be left behind.
But I was dead wrong again.
Because the security I craved,
Lead me down paths that almost took me to my grave.
I guess that's the entire point.
Free will isn't free.
The pain at times will literally break your knees.
Leaving you unable to walk for a time being.
Until you recover.
You get up,
To do it all over again.
This is where there becomes problems for some.
Some like me.
Because you're not listening.
Not listening to the teachers.
So when the time comes for a pop quiz,
You're lost without any knowledge.
Destined to fail.
Because you were too busy with show and tell.
Here in this school,
There is no room for failure.
It's essential you are present for graduation.
It has nothing to do with your money or your career.
Your colleges or your future.
It has to do with purgatory.
Do you want to exist here forever?
Trapped in a different dimension.
A different stratosphere.
Not one filled with stars.
One that is full of rage, fear, and anger.
That's why we cant let in stranger's.
Because love is the only answer.
And until you find him,
You wont find it.
We search for it in each other.
Our husbands, Sisters, brothers, wives, or mothers.
Or even within ourselves.
Frustrated when you cannot find it.
You too,
Become blinded.
But not by colors.
By darkness.
You struggle to tear off this harness.
Feeling chlaustrophobic.
You cant even breathe.
You start panicking.
Weeping and begging for a release.
And if you could just be quiet for a moment,
You'll hear a soft voice speaking.
Whispering.
Saying there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me not love you.
You're beautiful.
I am your father.
And you are my child.
Feeling startled,
You turn around in a panic.
Only to realize you are still sitting in your own silence.
Still feeling hopeless.
You begin to speak.
Wishing there was someone there listening.
Within that moment,
You don't even realize you've just taken your first step,
Towards a magical kind of happiness.
When you find yourself in a mess,
With no mop,
Talk to God.
He's been waiting too long....

Dreams 6/14

Lately,
The only place I want to be is in a fantasy.
Anywhere but reality.
It's unbearably harsh at times.
It's like you have to get away occasionally,
To get your mind right.
But in these days we live in,
Most cant even afford a vacation.
Us adults have a problem with not using our imaginations.
Its like once you pass a certain age as a child,
Life becomes about miles.
And money.
Sadly.
Because life can be so much more.
Like revolving doors.
Giving you an opportunity to walk down so many floors.
To experience things that money could never give you.
The only thing most girls my age seem to care about,
Is the day they say, "I do".
With a beautiful dress.
And a gorgeous ring.
The woman who has everything.
That was ironically,
One dream I never had even as a child.
I knew there was much more than one person could offer you.
I knew that there was no rush to get to that alter.
In fact, I may never make it.
Despite what society says,
I'm ok with that.
My daughter who was born out of wedlock,
Still has her dad.
Sins are there for you to repent.
For you to be forgiven.
I don't know how many other ways he must show us,
That we are loved.
And if we are existing,
He wants us to keep living.
To keep loving.
To keep breathing.
I only live for one person.
I feel like I'm on a mission.
Here for a reason.
So I'm bulldozing my way through.
Still looking out for you.
And you and you.
Exhausting myself and saying fuck freedom.
What good is it if you don't use it.
There's people right now,
Living in sheds, huts,
With dirt floors.
Water the same color as these floors,
Making dollars a day in sweat shops,
Making un needed items for us Americans.
There are no scattered colorful children's toys.
Those little girls and boys,
Even adults,
No doubt dream.
Of a better life.
A better world.
Is that what it comes down to?
Americans should be stripped naked and given the bare essentials.
I'll give it 2.5 seconds before there is massive corruption and violence.
The constitution being thrown around.
Shouting you cant control my life!
I have rights!
Storming inside.
Loading your automatic weapons.
Your rifles.
But before walking out that door,
Can I ask you a favor?
Ask yourself what you are fighting for.
So you can go to work from 9-5.
To come and eat entirely way too much food.
To sit down for a few moments,
Watching your favorite television shows.
To kiss your children,
After they get into their pajamas.
Talk with your partner about how your day went.
Looking at the clock,
Realizing you've run out of time.
Its off to bed.
To wake up at 6 A.M.
To do it all over again.
If you're a privileged one.
Don't get me wrong,
We all work hard,
You'll be lucky enough to afford a vacation.
If we are going to be such greedy,
Hostile Americans,
Could we at least make it worth while?
Do something good with these money piles.
Investing it into the world and into its people.
Teaching them to care and give back.
Whenever they can.
Whenever its needed.
Instead of lying.
Cheating,
Raping,
To own land.
That wasn't even yours.
We actually still celebrate it.
Is it that important?
To be in command.
To be in control.
To bring down an entire nation.
The entire world.
I hope one day our governments will start to listen.
To have some compassion.
To care more about human life and life in every form.
Not just a newborn human.
If having a false sense of freedom,
Comes down to war,
Soldiers, so much corruption and violence,
There comes a point,
Where you have to ask yourself as a citizen,
A decent human,
What is worth it?
How do you want to spend your time.
And if it should come down to,
"If you can afford it."
In my opinion,
That's a sad life to live.
When we could change the world,
And make dreams come true.
For people like Maya Angelou.
Martin Luther King Jr.
John F. Kennedy.
The Dalhi Lama.
President Lincoln.
People who dared to put others before themselves.
Dared to actually love and dream.
Where people like that have gone is a mystery.
I feel for children today.
I couldn't imagine this place is where I was raised.
Parents don't get to even raise or watch their own children grow.
Society immediately in most cases,
Takes control.
You cant even be there,
Because you're trying to keep food on your table that is bare.
We are consuming too much.
In every sense.
We are deliberately robbing our resources.
We live and don't think about consequences.
As an entire nation,
I think its time we stop moving for just a second.
And have a moment of silence.
For ourselves.
Allow yourself to remember who you really are inside.
Why and what you live for.
If it's even worth it.
And if its not,
Just remember these revolving doors.
They are everywhere.
Find one and let your journey begin.
You are not an animal.
Nor a robot.
You are not caged in.
Allow your silence to ask yourself if you would like to be reprogrammed.
Dare to dream big.
Dare to think the impossible,
Is achievable.
With effort from an entire nation,
We could actually give these forgotten children a chance.
We could give them something to be proud of.
We could teach them to care.
Just by being there.
The cure to everything is love.
And before laughing at that thought,
Look deep down inside.
You know its not a lie.
And with nobody watching,
You'll suddenly find yourself no longer laughing.
We are our revolution.
We are our only solution.