I've almost legitimately died,
Quite a few times.
The first, was when I was just two years old.
I climbed up on top of our fridge,
And drank an entire bottle of amoxicillin.
The second, was again, when I was just a child.
Years later, after this incident,
I had a severe allergic reaction to this same medicine.
I was lying on my kitchen floor.
I couldn't breathe.
My entire body was horribly itching.
The third was when I was 8.
I almost drowned in the pacific ocean on my birthday.
I was saved that day by strangers.
The fourth was some time before my teens.
My mom couldn't find my pulse.
So the ambulance was called.
I was fully awake.
The paramedics just stared at me.
In a strange disbelief.
Because there was nothing physically wrong with me.
I simply, felt ill.
The fifth was a car accident.
My head went through double plated glass in the windshield.
Seconds earlier, I had been fighting with my seat belt.
I couldn't get it buckled.
It kept locking.
The sixth was when I tired to take my own life.
When I was still just a child.
I was being force fed pills.
By doctors who didn't know what else to do with my "crazy".
Little did I know,
They were the driving force behind my "crazy".
I struggled with body dysmporhia,
And self mutilation was my form of release.
I literally needed to see myself bleed.
When I think of it today,
That type of pain still hurts me.
Just not to that extreme.
The seventh was when I was attempted to be kidnapped by two Hispanic men.
They almost succeeded in getting me to a second location.
But I knew I would die.
So I tried to fight.
And I ran for my life.
The eighth was on a rafting trip.
Everything including myself,
Was thrown from the raft when it flipped on the first rapid.
It all happened within seconds.
Head first, I went in.
I went under.
I will never forget the sound.
The powerful sound of roaring thunder.
My face hit first.
Breaking my nose.
My left leg was wedged between two rocks.
In that moment,
Time seemed to be stopped.
I opened my eyes under the water.
All I could see was white.
White everywhere.
I could feel my own hair.
Brushing my face and my shoulders.
I felt it in slow motion.
Just like in the movies,
Or legends we are told of,
My life didn't flash before my eyes,
But what did,
Was the minutes before we had all gotten in.
I watched in slow motion as this rope I was entangled in,
Desperately holding onto underwater,
Was slowly pulled,
(While captured in still photos)
From every rubber loop of that inflatable boat.
I opened my eyes again,
As I immediately let go of that rope.
As I floated underwater,
And thought of life and death,
I made a choice.
That I wanted to survive.
Everything that was wrong in my life,
Was temporarily forgotten.
I wanted to live.
I started ripping on my own leg.
Trying to get it un-wedged.
I remember thinking in those split seconds,
That it was ok if I only had one limb left at the end of this.
I just wanted to live.
So badly.
As fast as I was trapped,
I was then released.
As I was surfacing,
I could hear yelling.
Hollering.
Screaming.
Someone tried to grab onto me,
But had to let go.
They kept going back underneath.
I turned to my left and there was my hero.
An ore.
I grabbed onto it and was back in like it never even happened.
But it did.
And it changed me.
Each time I am faced with death,
I'm reminded of why I fight to be here.
Why I want to be here.
I reminds me that I have a purpose.
I'm obviously here for a reason.
The ninth time was after I had given birth.
My baby girl arrived in this world, by C-section.
Although it wasn't my dream,
To have her brought in so un naturally,
I was just happy.
To hold her in my hands.
Within two weeks I was very close to death.
I had gotten an infection in my incision.
I didn't want to believe it.
I kept telling myself what they told me.
"Its going to get worse before it gets any better.
Believe me.
You just went through 30 hours of labor and massive surgery.
You're going to feel like you got hit by a truck Lia."
So I waited.
Day after day.
Holding my baby girl our rocking chair.
Every time my mother begged me to call and ask,
Every time I was told, "It was because I was engorged".
They were wrong.
My mother was right.
And its only because of her that I survived this last time.
I arrived in an emergency room in phoenix Arizona,
In the early a.m. hours.
I'm fortunate enough to still be here to be a mother to my daughter.
I give credit to my mother because I like to be tough.
I had no intention of helping myself.
Like always.
After so many experience's with death,
I became obsessed.
And with each experience,
I also become closure to this so called "heaven".
Its like angels came to me every time.
Helping me to survive.
Because Its just not my time.
The tenth was when I fell asleep behind my wheel.
Going 75.
At 5 a.m.
A bright blue light is what made me open my eyes.
After the shock of the trauma,
I'm left with questions that haunt me.
Its like he's begging me to find the answers.
Even when I sleep,
My mind continues to wander.
Into unfamiliar places that frighten me.
I used to turn away.
Go back the way I came.
Stayed in one place.
Frozen solid.
When these voices started speaking to me.
I've never been so terrified.
Or felt so sensitive.
Scared.
Afraid.
And just simply full of horror.
When unexplainable things happen to you,
You just know there's more.
Nobody can walk in my shoes.
So I just like to show you,
All of these crazy worlds I have been led through.
Being able to talk about my feelings,
And share them publicly,
Is what has forced me to grow the most.
I'm no longer hiding.
My pain is visible.
So is my happiness.
My love.
My freedom.
There is nothing left to run from.
Its all here.
In these hundreds of confessions.
Like I'm talking to God himself sometimes.
While I write these.
Alone in my closet.
I'm claustrophobic.
The small space creates fear.
I do it intentionally.
Making my feelings greater.
Larger.
The contrast creates a mystery in my mind.
And I have to think fast.
So I can be released from this claustrophobic closet.
I share it.
Even though I'm hesitant.
Because I hope we can learn one day;
That we are one.
On a job.
A job of our very own.
So its ok if you don't understand me.
But for your own happiness,
You should learn acceptance.
What is, is what is.
And what will be, will always be.
We are already in a land of make believe.
I just try to show others,
With these life experience's,
That the unimaginable,
Is possible.
How do I show you what I have seen?
Because its almost impossible to even believe.
I don't know why he chose me.
But I have never been more aware of why I am still here.
His plan is working.
And so is his love.
I know there's more waiting for me.
For you too.
If only we could believe in what some consider un-necessary or fantasy.
If we could believe in the power of people too.
If we could believe in the power of LOVE.
We're not all dumb.
We're not all numb.
Imagine the possibilities.
Love each other deeply.
Always remember that days are numbered.
We all meet our fate eventually.
Don't wait.
If we do,
It will be too late.
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