And leaping.
To places beyond this reality.
Places that risk fatality.
Maybe to feel fully alive.
I have no idea why.
In this very moment,
I'm breaking down.
Falling apart.
My heart is pouring out of my eyes.
In my chest,
I feel like I'm going to die.
Broken heart.
Or a heart attack.
Again.
I have no idea why.
All I know is that I want to take it back.
All of it.
Every single second.
None of it makes sense.
And never will.
It destroys my free will.
It creates a monster that wants to kill.
Metaphorically speaking.
But does it really matter.
When your life is this much of a disaster.
Where are the happily ever after's.
I only see them in pictures.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of being mistreated.
My heart and the bible tell me to continue.
To keep going.
To be the person I truly am.
But how is this possible when I'm being driven insane.
By people who only use their brains.
Their compassion and their heart have been torn apart.
Shredded.
Its gone.
Its dead.
I get a lot of finger pointed at my face.
At my character.
With labels like slut and crazy.
But how can this be.
When a lack of empathy,
Also compassion is a psychopath by definition.
And I'm the one who's crazy?
What is happening.
There's a saying.
"Its happening around you. Not to you."
I'm finding that hard to be true.
Why do people deliberately hurt you.
Why are the biggest hearts,
The ones to always be screwed.
Where's the incentive.
I'm losing my patients.
I'm losing control.
I never wanted it to begin with.
Free falling is where I belong.
Not trapped in a stall.
Caged like an animal.
Being whipped and tamed.
All for ones entertainment.
I'm angry.
And I have every right to be.
With nowhere else to turn,
I turn to ink.
To pen.
To paper.
I turn to words.
To sort through this massive blur.
I cant see.
Its burning my eyes.
And my heart feels like its slowly dying.
I cant find a reason to keep believing.
Because people keep stealing these reasons.
One would ask,
Why do you let them?
Why do you allow it?
Well the answer to that,
You wouldn't even believe.
This different reality,
This false one,
Brain washed the fuck out of me.
Stockholm syndrome.
A kidnapped victim.
Made to believe that her capture cared for her.
That he actually loved her.
When in fact,
It was a sick individual.
Who kept you chained to the floor.
For 17 years you dreamed of freedom.
Afraid to leave.
Because you've been made to believe evil things.
Things that one doesn't do to another when they truly love them.
So here I am.
Contemplating.
That word.
Love.
What does it even mean?
I'll never know.
Because you destroyed a little girl.
Physically and emotionally raping her for years.
Filling her with false love.
And false freedom.
Ruining a human being.
Might as well be a murderer.
Because of you,
Ill never be what I should.
And if I even come close,
It will be an absolute miracle.
I will have to fight for it like I'm fighting for my life.
Every single day that I open my eyes.
Some make it very hard.
To not be full of hatred.
They rob you of things that are sacred.
Not everybody is evil.
But I'm getting lost sifting through these people.
These psychopaths.
When it becomes too overwhelming,
I turn to myself.
And start ripping down walls.
I trip myself.
Making me fall.
Maybe today......
I finally learned my lesson after all.
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