Broken Knees 6/14

Peering through this kaleidoscope.
These colors where like my antidote.
To heal a heart that was completely broken.
Unable to love herself.
Unable to stare at a reflection.
A girl who lived with only one intention.
To die.
God heard my cries.
And he sent an angel to walk right by my side.
So many things rush through my mind when I look into her eyes.
I cant help but to smile.
That's where the light came on.
I realized he did this purposely all along.
As a way to keep me here on earth.
So that I wouldn't make myself return.
He replaced every doubt with love.
And I'm sure that's no coincidence.
To me,
It makes perfect sense.
He couldn't handle me arriving at the wrong gates.
So he stepped in and changed my fate.
Its never too early.
Nor too late.
It happens when its meant to.
Whether you are a teenager or forty two.
This gift,
That has just been given to you,
Is a sheer test to what you are about to be put through.
Before they even arrive,
They change your entire lives.
Having to make decisions that are so important.
Its a matter of life and death for this embryo or infant.
And in that moment,
God is watching you with amazement.
Looking at his child like a trophy he is proud of.
You cant even see it.
You can only feel the love.
The love that engulfs maternity wards like its a raging fire.
Even in the silence,
Walking the halls with pain that was immense,
I could sense it.
Despite it being crazy and painful,
The minute we stand up from that wheelchair,
And look down at this perfect being with perfect hair,
We cannot take our eyes off of them.
You can only smile and stare.
Off you go to create a fairytale.
Thinking back on all of this,
Gave me answers that I had missed.
I thought it was punishment.
I had it all wrong.
So horribly wrong.
He had to wake me with a symphony of songs.
That roared all night long.
He pushed me to a ledge and said,
Fall or fly.
Its your choice if you want to die.
But I'm still right here.
In front of your eyes.
Offering you the love you've searched for your entire life.
He looks into my own bluish green eyes with his.
Its like he knew it would always come to this.
It was like he had prepared for it.
Leaving me a trial of cookie crumbs.
To love and absolute freedom.
No matter what in life happens.
He created me with massive strength.
And drug me away from the devil.
He made me a child solider.
He in fact,
Put the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Like it was in training.
Because he knew one day I would be speaking.
And teaching.
Of what he showed me when peering through that kaleidoscope.
The colors that blinded.
The emotions that changed my mind.
Somewhere deep inside,
I knew I would never be left behind.
But I was dead wrong again.
Because the security I craved,
Lead me down paths that almost took me to my grave.
I guess that's the entire point.
Free will isn't free.
The pain at times will literally break your knees.
Leaving you unable to walk for a time being.
Until you recover.
You get up,
To do it all over again.
This is where there becomes problems for some.
Some like me.
Because you're not listening.
Not listening to the teachers.
So when the time comes for a pop quiz,
You're lost without any knowledge.
Destined to fail.
Because you were too busy with show and tell.
Here in this school,
There is no room for failure.
It's essential you are present for graduation.
It has nothing to do with your money or your career.
Your colleges or your future.
It has to do with purgatory.
Do you want to exist here forever?
Trapped in a different dimension.
A different stratosphere.
Not one filled with stars.
One that is full of rage, fear, and anger.
That's why we cant let in stranger's.
Because love is the only answer.
And until you find him,
You wont find it.
We search for it in each other.
Our husbands, Sisters, brothers, wives, or mothers.
Or even within ourselves.
Frustrated when you cannot find it.
You too,
Become blinded.
But not by colors.
By darkness.
You struggle to tear off this harness.
Feeling chlaustrophobic.
You cant even breathe.
You start panicking.
Weeping and begging for a release.
And if you could just be quiet for a moment,
You'll hear a soft voice speaking.
Whispering.
Saying there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me not love you.
You're beautiful.
I am your father.
And you are my child.
Feeling startled,
You turn around in a panic.
Only to realize you are still sitting in your own silence.
Still feeling hopeless.
You begin to speak.
Wishing there was someone there listening.
Within that moment,
You don't even realize you've just taken your first step,
Towards a magical kind of happiness.
When you find yourself in a mess,
With no mop,
Talk to God.
He's been waiting too long....