Internally searching for something that cant be obtained.
I'm going crazy.
Trying to piece this puzzle together.
I cant accept that I will never understand it.
I will never have answers.
Just questions.
That haunt me.
Having to move forward.
While pretending I'm not being held back.
Emotionally and mentally, under attack.
Chipping away at my confidence.
Stuck between two worlds at all times.
It makes me question everything I've ever had.
There's no aisle in sight.
Because I'm looking behind.
I'm too busy sifting through all that's lacking.
Forgive me,
For believing in happy endings.
I'm discovering,
That I believe for most,
Their purpose was so much more.
Meant to experience.
Who only knows the reasons.
Bad things happen.
There's no stopping it.
Only ducking and dodging.
Like bullets are flying.
With no protective wear,
No vest,
You're feeling extremely vulnerable.
Unable to fully trust your life in someone else's hands.
Unable to let go of control.
Terrified of the outcome.
Terrified that then, there wont be one.
If you don't save yourself,
Who will?
But if you don't let them?
Who can?
I'm hanging like hang man.
With each wrong guess,
This rope is feeling tighter around my neck.
A feeling of impending doom,
Is making the walls feel as if they are caving in.
Love, is something i try so desperately to understand.
because the exact existence in which that i was created from,
Hurt more more than anything or anyone.
Like your parents had just abandoned you.
I became obsessed and consumed with finding reasons for pain.
Not being satisfied with traditions and excuses.
I never wanted to be worthless.
Maybe because that's the only feeling i felt when I was a little girl.
I want to believe.
I refuse to not believe.
There is always something better out there for me.
I know this for a fact.
Because Ive lived in darkness and misery.
Winston Churchill once said,
When you are at the end of your rope,
Tie a knot and hang on.
Had I known that I never left my road,
My one way home.
The hills have almost killed.
But each time I reach the top and take in the beautiful views,
I'm reminded that no matter how much makes me feel like I am out of control,
It is still in my hands.
Because I have free will.
Free will to think and feel,
Exactly how I choose to.
The hardest thing you will ever do,
Is try to be a better you.
Its so easy to run away.
Take it from me,
That you cannot.
You were never meant to.
Traveling in the opposite direction leads to a one way destination.
To no where.
A place you've already been.
But when you find yourself looking forward,
All of the sudden you're filled with excitement.
Anticipation.
You feel elated.
The possibilities are endless.
Its like magic.
You are a living breathing star.
Literally.
Amongst billions.
Believe in the true beauty in all that you are made up of.
An endless universe.
Made up entirely of love.
If it wasn't,
Then we wouldn't exist.
The first breath we take,
Is because of a kiss.
Because of love making.
Master love,
And you master your life.
The way to master love,
It has to always be unconditional.
No matter how scared that makes you feel.
have faith at the end of the day.
Good things happen when you choose to let go of that rope.
You don't always have to be so strong and hang on.
Free fall.
While maintaing responsibility to your families and to humanity.
Be free.
be you.
Be-YOU-tiful.
"There's beauty in everything,
But not everyone can see it."
Begin each day with a fire lit.
The biggest discovery Ive ever made when it comes to love,
Was this;
Even when I was most frightened,
When I run away from love,
It always comes back.
Every. Single. Time.
So that would lead me to question if it was in fact,
Meant to be.
The exact thing that I am most afraid of,
Is the only thing that has never given up on me.
It comes back with a vengeance.
So powerful.
It knocks me over.
It scares me.
I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like Its attacking me.
Smothering me.
When in fact,
The only thing it was trying to do all along,
Was teach me.
Continually hurting me.
Because I refuse to learn and listen.
Ironic.
Isn't it.
That I was responsible for my happiness.
I gave that job to love.
And was quick to abandon it.
When the results weren't enough.
Today,
I'm choosing to not walk away.
Facing reality.
That I cant hate what made me.
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