I'm suffocating in thoughts of you.
I want to move on.
I just don't know how to.
You are half of me.
Almost everything I remember,
Goes back to a time where you were a part of all of it.
I think of you,
And I get sick.
Physically ill.
Emotionally,
Out of control.
Because of it,
Becoming extremely frustrated.
I want my mind,
Body,
And soul back.
I want to be the girl I was before my first kiss.
On shafford road.
That's not how life works though.
I wouldn't even want that kind of luck.
This experience has forced me to grow tremendously.
Without the positive aspects,
I would have been even more broken in retrospect.
Love,
Saved my life.
I was in desperate need of it.
Unaware of it.
There was a lack of it.
I wasn't one of the talented.
I'm still not.
I jump into the deep end.
I get lost.
I begin to drown.
In feelings and emotions that I cant accept.
They are rejected.
My own perspective,
And need of protection is what is projected.
I'm scared to death.
So I run for my life.
Away from you.
Away from most things beautiful.
I run towards the sadness.
The vulnerability.
The absolute madness.
Because its the only thing that feels normal to me.
Even though my smart brain,
Knows that its unhealthy.
Sadly,
That is in fact my reality.
The only thing I ever knew.
My entire family deserved more.
My mother.
And her own mother.
Colliding with evil,
Will change you forever.
You conceive broken people.
Giving birth to mental illness.
Because you live in a world that is loveless.
Lifeless.
Moments are brought because of your birth,
Of pure happiness.
But then comes frustration.
When you cant be given,
What your innocent self is deserved.
You grow rapidly.
Eventually,
Falling into this thing called "love".
Offered by others.
And in a strange way,
Its smothering.
Despite being beautiful.
You're use to being out of control.
But not in this way.
Its too much and you feel like you need to get away.
Escape back to a dark place.
A place where you feel like you actually belong.
Suddenly you cant.
You're trapped.
In a box.
In a cage.
While your mind is spinning.
You feel like you're officially insane.
Crazy.
You look around at others experiencing this,
They are getting married.
Having kids.
It looks like a Disney fairytale.
Its stunningly beautiful.
You look at it all with envious eyes.
It makes your heart hurt inside.
Because you know you'll never experience it.
Watching my grandparents,
Who were married for 52 years,
Doesn't give me any of hope.
You see,
Because their love too,
Was broken.
Creating 8 children despite this.
26 grandchildren to come of this.
And even more after their untimely departure.
Multiplying and spreading like the disease evil is.
If you traveled to another dimension,
And asked my grandmother,
There's a good chance she'd say she'd do it all over again.
If you're lucky,
You might miss this.
Be kissed by one who is not infected.
I don't know that its luck though.
You live the rest of your life feeling like you need to be protected.
Because even the uninfected are scared of rejection.
We all need compassion.
And love.
But some will never know how to accept it.
Only to reject it.
Something went wrong when they were children.
Now its just simply a race to the beginning.
Not to the end.
Before you live an entire lifetime of lies, the past, and pretend.
Trying to hide and run away from your own self.
Your own feelings and emotions.
Running away from the simple fact that your broken.
Take back control.
By never feeling like you need another.
And before you do,
Remember that you don't have anything to offer.
Not even if you unexpectedly give birth to a perfect daughter.
But when you gave birth,
Little did you know that was the first step taken,
In loving yourself.
Seeing yourself as you were meant to be.
An innocent miracle.
This is where I learned something about love.
Finally.
There is no curse.
You just have to learn to love yourself first.
Its possible,
Even if someone rips that away after birth.
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