Numbered Days, Driven By Faith 8/14

Palms sweaty.
Heart racing.
I'm internally pacing.
Retracing every step I've ever taken.
Contemplating.
Everything.
Wondering and thinking.
So intensely.
Fastly.
Pondering my creation.
And the purpose of it all.
Why am I here.
To free fall.
To feel pain and fear.
Before love and happiness.
Therefore you can actually live to appreciate it.
Without the pain,
I would never be able to notice what I've gained.
What I've noticed,
Is astonishing.
Its mind boggling.
It throws me through loops.
Lit on fire.
Like I'm in a circus.
Down to my attire.
What I see through my eyes,
And what I feel in my heart is crazy.
My perspective is rose tinted.
Like a kaleidoscope of colors.
The rainbow never ends is what I've discovered.
The pot of gold is the rainbow itself.
The rain.
The sun.
This planet.
The life we are living is a pure gift.
That most take for granted.
I did too.
For most of my existence.
Until I started searching for the purpose of why I was initially created.
There has to be a reason.
We should already know thanks to science.
But instead fill our hearts with lies.
Well, at least I did.
I thought I knew everything.
But I was blinded.
By materialism.
How can you not become complacent,
When you're only worried about one thing.
Money.
Spending every waking moment chasing a piece of paper.
You begin to lose your name.
Your face.
You're remembered by an 8 digit number,
To anyone outside of your immediate family.
Your purpose is forgotten.
Your purpose is lost.
When you're caught up in costs.
Caught up in labels.
And mortgages.
You cant do anything these days,
Without paying too much for it.
You cant even give a proper burial,
To a loved one,
On average for less than 5,000 dollars.
Why does it cost thousands to be buried in a wooden casket.
Because we are mistreated.
And we allow it.
As a nation,
A society,
Individuals,
What has happened to our morals.
Standards.
Self worth.
Our respect.
Our common sense.
Sadly,
I write a lot of these poems on my iPhone.
With music to inspire me.
My iPhone is secretly my favorite accessory.
I would embarrassingly say,
That its suddenly become a necessity.
When most days,
I just want to throw it out the window.
So I don't understand it.
I preach to follow our hearts,
And ignore my own.
I write about feelings as a way to never forget.
But there's so much in my own life that I regret.
I always wish for happiness,
But then push it away if it even gets close to me.
I'm a walking contradiction.
In every sense.
Because to me.....
Nothing makes sense.
This life makes me feel as if there is more than one person,
Trapped inside of me.
I search for myself.
Through all of my past lives.
That interrupt my present.
When I break free,
They invade my dreams.
As a way to make sure I'm never released.
Because I'm not suppose to be.
I've always craved it and desperately wanted that.
Until today.
Now I find myself running back.
Racing down hallways.
Ripping open doors.
Tearing up walls and floors.
Because I've discovered the pain,
Is the only thing consistent.
The only thing that was meant to be.
Because this life wasn't meant to be peaceful.
I'm here to learn.
Not to be happy.
The euphoria will come,
When Its my time.
One day, Heaven will be my turn.
And then I can look at my father in return,
With tears in my eyes,
And say thank you.
I not only survived.
I thrived.
I saw life with my burning eyes.
I felt unconditional love.
I watched sunsets,
From mountain tops,
Pondering your love and everything in between.
Tonight,
When I rest on my knees,
I will not be praying for relief.
I will be praying for keys.
To new doors.
As frustrating as this life can be,
Its only a matter of time before I'm on my home.
So I'm going to be grateful.
And try to live peacefully.