Lost Souls - 3/30/12

I'm walking down this path.
Taking note of everything.
It's distracting.
My heart is the size of Texas.
Absolutely too massive.
Trying to solve every problem.
But pieces are missing.
To finish, I need them.
In constant search for something that doesn't hurt.
If I could run away.
I would run so far.
Not accessible by train, plain, boat or car.
Only sand covering the land.
Barriers created by water.
Just my Family, Friends, I, And my beautiful daughter.
Safe from what selfishness creates.
No roads blocked by gates.
Only freedom to express ourselves and live free.
Being the best people we are capable of being.
Taking everything in with smiles.
In stride. No weight inside.
Gliding. Like free birds.
No critisiam or harsh words.
Tying weights to your ankles.
Making you as heavy as can be.
So it's easier to drown you in this powerful sea.
I will never understand what makes people act like they do.
Just be decent.
Is that to much to ask of you.
Being decent means...
Extending a much needed hand.
To be Loyale. Be a Friend.
Offering your love without expectations.
To people whom you have no relation.
being a voice from God.
Making it your occupation.
Raise your children to be the same.
Stop being a bully.
Calling out names.
Teach our children what really matters.
To be nice to the ones who's clothes are tattered.
Because they are the ones who need extra love.
Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world".
Despite every sharp curve.
Love yourself because you're worth it.
Life is too short.
Love every single bit.
Little tiny pieces creating a collage.
Believe whats good is real. Enjoy it.
Its not a mirage.
Spread seeds that bloom into wild flowers.
Stop spreading what creates disasters.
Spreading wild fires.
Every single person in this world matters.
Occasionally find the strength to look directly into the sun.
Realize whats in the past is done.
There's nothing left to run from.
Stop wearing a watch to tell you the time.
Stop clawing, digging, desperately climbing.
I will be the first to tell you its a waste of valuable time.
Time for a much need change.
Taking in more then what can be managed.
But make it a mission. A challenge.
Like a love letter left behind.
When its the end of your time.
A foot print in the sand.
Something to say you were here.
You made your mark.
Even while walking in the dark.
I'm proof that there's light.
That theres a reason to fight.
Because the feeling of when you've won,
And when you realize what this fight has made you become,
Made everything in my whole life Ive been running from.
Worth it. I know exactly who I am.
I know what I'm worth and what I deserve.
I let the faith take me to a place Ive never been.
My eyes are now open.
its a new beginning.
If you're in pain.
Hear my words.
I know what your going through.
But let me tell you, Your worth it.
There is something you can do.
Take a look deep inside.
Don't be afraid.
Be brutally truthful.
And I promise.
You'll find your soul.

Dimes Taking place of your mind - 3/30/12

Like a sparkler on the fourth of July.
On fire. But with a time limit that will expire.
Trying with every ounce of strength. To hold onto every thread.
To make lasting memories.You'll never forget.
Experiences forcing you to grow as a person.
But there's no guarantee's.
Nothings for certain.
Meeting people along the way.Who either keep you on your path.
Or veer you off to stray.
Getting lost occasionally just to find yourself again.
Being re- invented.
This is not for play. Its not for pretend.
It's real. Your hearts beating. Your alive to feel.
Sometimes it hurts.
But that's what makes all this craziness work.
Because when you're brought to your knees.
Now your in an impossible potion to not be able to see.
See what you're not seeing.
Or to see what you've been missing.
Life is here for us to learn.
I honestly don't believe its all to just to die in the end.
Buried. Or resting in a yearn.
Like we didn't go through all of what we did for a reason.
Like it was just for spring. Or fall. Like it was only a season.
Soon to pass. But you can count on it coming back.
When I think of the after life. I think of a second chance.
To do what I ran out of time for. To sing and dance.
Being completely happy. Care free. Never worried.
Weightless like a feather. Floating. Being carried.
Not a wrinkle or weather.
As proof Ive the storms Ive been recovered from.
Strong enough. Smart enough.
To save my own life. Capable of surving.
Holding on for a reason unknown of.
Until today.
Because now I know where I'm going.
I'm heading home.
On the road that wont end until my time is over.
Its whats pushing me forward.
Excited for the madness to eventually stop. But in pain at the thought of,
Of who will be left behind. Until we meet again because it will be their time.
To be rewarded with wings. We can sing and dance together.
Floating like feathers. Having what we always dreamed.
Be one and live together. No race in someones face.
No flowers crippled, Dying at the root.
But still living in a beautiful vase.
No blond in someones hair. No treatment of any kind that isn't fair.
Only love for every soul. That was roaming lost, Unable to find home.
Never in need again of shelter of any kind. No give or take.
Whats mine is mine. No selfishness masking true beauty.
No locked doors. With missing keys.
Now open to whomever has the courage.
To walk through not feeling discouraged.
Afraid of the unknown. Unable to allow yourself room to grow.
Remember, God would never fail you.
He would never put you through something if it wasn't to teach you.
His mysterious ways will never be solved.
Until your standing in front of him while he's explaining his love.
Lessons to create such a beautiful child.
Or a beautifully created animal living in the wild.
It's all the same.We are all the same.
It's all a test. A Russian rulet game.
Take a gamble. Take a risk.
There's so much sitting right in front of us.
That we usually miss.
Because we think we know ourselves better. But we are wrong.
Depending on dimes to pass the time. Dimes to fill holes.
Afraid of letting go. Living with only faith.
Letting someone else be in charge.
Living simply. Instead of living large.
Spending your time here wisely.
Forget about dimes.
Don't let fear.
Be your demise.
Spread those wings you so proudly earned.
Let them span as far as you can,
And learn how to fly.

* This was inspired while driving past a retirement home and catching a glimpse of two people hugging in the car while stopped waiting to pull out.

Goodbye - 3/29/12

As I sit here and listen to rain pound on my roof.
I can't help but to think of you.
Where are you?
Are you thinking of me?
I know your not.
Because you're unable to see what i see.
unable to feel what I feel.
You're such a different kind of love.
You make me feel so alive.
Literally like I could touch the sky.
You make me feel like I'm on drugs.
Like I'm high.
Losing my mind.
And the next I'm flying.
Then you start lying.
Emotions become chaotic.
Thoughts are so rapid.
My brain hurts from all the deception.
I don't know whether to start to cry.
Or start laughing.
Constantly putting me down.
Then immediately picking me up.
Then we take a break.
Because we have had enough.
Always finding a way however back to the dysfunction.
Not realizing its just not meant to be.
It's not true.
But then why can't I seem to move on from you.
Like I'm living a scene from the adjustment bureau.
You keep your secrets buried deep enough for me not to be able to find.
I can't seem to erase the memories from my mind.
There are so many questions that will never be answered.
It infected me like a cancer.
Making me sicker by the day.
Unsafe from an unfounded cure.
You make me feel like my hair has fallen out.
Unable to look into a mirror.
How are you capable of being two different people.
Depending on who's eyes are watching.
Loving me.
Or mocking mine.
You once called your love for me "phases"
You said you should love me always.
But that just wasn't the case.
So friends we try to be.
But I love you too deeply.
So that's just not gonna work for me.
Now were at a cross roads of letting go.
The curtains been called.
Its the end of the show.
But I'm frozen.
Motionless.
Like Ive been crazy super glued.
Forever stuck to this spot.
While you live on like you've forgotten.
Somewhere inside,
You believe your own lies.
Your heart aches for something you wont allow it to have.
So it's began to slowly die.
Now your frozen.
Motionless.
Because you've become emotionless.
Not allowing yourself to feel whats real.
Not being who God made you to be.
Letting your past.
Choose your fate.
When the time came for what was right.
You passed it.
Now your too late.
Late once again because you're ignorant.
Self centered and only able to think of what profits your life.
You think this girl is going to be anything like me.
So you're trying to make her your wife.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I'm not the one who lied all along.
You try your best to lie and disguise.
But we both know how much your dying inside.
That's where I keep my faith.
I tried to save you more then once.
I was always there.
Unappreciated.
You never cared.
None of what you dished.
I deserved.
All I ever did was serve.
Serve and cater to your impossible standards.
And all in the mean while you called me the coward.
In pursuit half my life for something that turned out to be not worth it.
I don't need any of it.
I don't want it.
I know who I am.
You don't have the strength,
To pull me to the ground.
I will never again.
Allow myself to be your "friend".
Because in the end Its me who's always hurt.
Face in the dirt.
Curled up in a fetal potion.
With bruised and blacked eyes.
As you turn your back again.
With your head held high.
Forcing me to sever these ties.
I love you so much.
But enough is enough.
We tried.
We failed.
Goodbye.....

* According to you....Atleast I have pretty hair.

We Still Have A Chance - 3/27/12

Some of my greatest memories involve the ocean.
Waking up at 6 a.m.
With my dad to search for agates on the beach.
Staring out from the window with binoculars at occasional boats too far to reach.
My grandma has a beach house at Gleneden.
The locals call it " Get Eaten "
Known for it's number of sharks.
Memories here are so special.
I hold them close to my heart.
It almost took my life on my 8th birthday.
I thought it was low tide.
I was wrong.
I walked straight in.
And almost drowned.
I will never forget the tiny pebbles sliding between my toes.
I remember the salt water in my throat and in my nose.
Feeling like I was a thousands pounds.
Unable to scream. Kicking my feet,
But unable to reach the ground.
I couldn't see anyone around.
I was saved that day.
By a man and his teenage daughter.
I was literally plucked out of this massively large body of strong water.
It wasn't enough to take away my love.
It wasn't enough to instill any fear.
I could never write down all the great memories I had here.
This was the only one, I don't like to think of.
Ive spent birthdays here.
Ive spent fourth of July's here.
My dad taught me the bridge with cards here.
Teaching me while drinking his beer.
My grandma polished my precious rocks.
Proudly displaying them after the miles my dad and I would walk.
Every time I come to this irreplaceable place.
It's all so different. Changing at a rapid pace,
Like fast currents.
Except those currents are not filled with salt water and ocean life anymore.
It's nothing but plastic. Plastic galore.
Sea life is rapidly changing.
And were oblivious and refuse to do any re- arranging.
Making a better future for the children you will be forced to leave behind.
But as you drink from your water bottles your not keeping any of it mind.
Throwing away this bottle on your way out of the stadium.
Having no Idea where its going or where it came from.
6,000 children die everyday from disease.
Associated with lack of access to safe drinking water.
It seems to be nobodies business.
Nobody seems to be bothered.
Equivalent to 20 Jumbo Jets crashing everyday.
These are factual statistics and its far from ok.
Marketing plots so obvious it should make you feel like an idiot.
For buying into something so ridiculously stupid.
Over polluting our oceans by extremes.
The largest patches of trash, Living in our seas.
We couldn't even imagine the severity. Not in our wildest dreams.
Pretty soon, If we don't change what we do,
There will be no memories of sand castles, sea shells, Agates.
Because you'll be digging in nothing but plastic.
Open your eyes and allow your heart to care.
Lets play a game of truth of dare.
Either way your bound to learn.
Nothings free. Everything is earned.
Stand up and do your part.
Stop adding cases of water bottles to your grocery cart.
Paying hard earned money for something that comes out of you home faucets.
West Africans walk an average of 4-6 miles just to obtain it.
Only to have 1 out 4 die because they had no other choice but to consume this.
You can't deny, Sit here and lie, and pretend this is normal.
Because we both know its absolutely horrible.
So the next time you go to drink from plastic.
Take a second to realize what your effecting.
Appreciate the water you do have.
Do your part to save our future.
Restore humane nature.
Re-creating man kind.
To care more than only of themselves.
And to open their minds.
Appreciating, while re living priceless family memories.
Building castles, Flying kites, Listening to the changing tides.
Stop creating so much waste to scatter.
Let the sea life know we care. That they matter.
Spare time to change a life.
Care more about our enviornment because its vital that it doesn't die.
Know every single action you take has a consequence.
Wake up and realize we still have a chance.

* Stop buying bottled water.

A Love That Transpired - 3/27/12

You make me want to be more than what I am.
Peeling my eyes open.
Allowing me to see.
That dreams come true.
You create a different reality.
Shinning spot lights on things I'm blind to.
I've never met any body like you.
The amount of love that pours from your soul,
Makes me feel complete.
It makes me feel whole.
Inspiring me on a daily basis.
I'm no longer living in crisis.
No longer desperate for someone to pull my head above water.
You breathed life into my body.
You gave me a daughter.
There could never be a way to show the appreciation I feel.
I still have to constantly remind myself that this is real.
I couldn't live without your smile.
Without your laughter.
I feel like Drew Barrymore in "Ever After".
You are by far the most amazing person I have been lucky enough to find.
Funny, smart, caring, giving, and kind.
Anything I could ever ask for God rolled into one.
When I'm with you the demons disappear that I'm running from.
Time seems to stop.
No hands ticking every second on clocks.
You pave the way to roads not filled with pot holes.
Reminding me not all things in life life are terrible.
like a remedy of medication.
but only herbal.
Nothing about you makes me feel unnatural.
Everything in a whole is amazing in general.
Our daughter is a constant reminder of how much you love me.
It's something I will never allow myself not to see.
Your perfect in every single way.
And I want you to know that at the end of the day.
There is no place I'd rather be,
Then with Jocelyn, You and I.
I hope that when the day comes and I take my last breath,
That I'm lying at your side.
Looking into the eyes that saved my life.
Still wearing our symbol of love.
Because proudly I was your wife.
Our daughter as our legacy.
When we have to leave her behind.
And now it will be her time.
To find a love like what she felt from her dad.
To experience What her parents had.
Spreading the love to strangers who never had it.
Never allowing herself to forget.
The lessons she was smart enough to take.
Left with her own change to create.
All of this because of you.
You never forgot about me.
You were always so true.
Working your whole life,
To give us anything our heart desires.
A love that I had no idea existed has transpired.

* I love you Skylar :)

My World - 3/26/12

If I could create a place,
It would be full of laughter.
Because of little hurting.
There would be no secrets worth keeping.
People would be smiling.
Because on this inside, They're not dying.
No pain.
Only good to gain.
Children would be children.
Not forced to live too fast.
There would be no killing.
No weight of sadness resting on tired shoulders.
No need for military.
Because there would be no need for soldiers.
There would be no clocks.
Because time wouldn't matter.
There would be no need for cranes or ladders.
No need for buildings that are too tall.
Soaring over you making you feel so small.
Making the world you live in entirely too large.
There would be no malls with parking garages.
Filled with items you have no need for.
Celebrities and sports would be no more.
Because useless entertainment is a waste of precious time.
There would be no zoo's for people.
Because there would be no crime.
Crime is committed because of desperation of some kind.
Most likely coming from a negative place within the person.
Clearly because this world has hurt them for certain.
People would feel kind.
Instead of feeling selfish.
Dreams would be reality instead of being wishes.
Music would be spread like wild fires.
There would be no truth.
Because there would be no liars.
There would be no drugs.
Because there would be nothing to run from.
No need to escape such a horrible place.
Holes created by things we've disgust.
There would be no evil.
Because money would not be a must.
People thriving.
Rising,
Like sky scrapers.
There would be no need for hero's proudly displaying capes.
There would be no sea of city lights.
Shinny so brightly in the blackness of the night.
There would be no LRA because there would be no diamonds.
Wild flowers would come in the thousands.
You would know every face.
Because the world wouldn't be traveling at such a fast pace.
There would be no war.
There would be no sin.
This is the world, I would do anything to live in.

* Coming from such a frustrated place right now.

Disneyland 3/22/12

Some children are born to be blessed.
Others, are put to God's ultimate test.
These little boy's and girl's,
Are the one's who end up making changes in the world.
Little soldiers of their own army.
The numbers they come in,
Is not only shocking,
It's seriously alarming.
Selfish people called their "parents".
Just by one look of an outer appearance,
This fact is compltey apparent.
For the rest of their lives,
They bare scares where they cut themselves with knives.
Experiences making them reflect back on all the neglect.
Forced at too young of an age,
To be their own guide.
So now they spend everyday desperately searching,
For themselves on the inside.
Wasting half of this short life.
Spending 8 hours a day in a classroom of 30,
who never ask if you're ok,
When you're sitting there in front of them, Hurting.
Coming into class from the night before,
Where they have no clue,
You sleep with a locked bedroom door.
Keeping out the "Monsters" that infiltrate your life.
Scaring you out of your little mind.
Teachers are like second parents.
Spending almost as much time with you as family.
But most don't notice this fact,
Because they don't make enough money.
Angels sent by God to do an unbelievably hard job.
They still can't help enough little soldiers,
Beat the odds.
Pushing them through class as fast as they can.
On to the next.
Almost as natural as a reflex.
If you are a teaching reading these words,
Please hear me because I was one of these little girls.
Showing up everyday put together perfectly.
Painting you a picture,
So you couldn't see me hurting.
But what I wanted more than anything,
Was to not just have you look at me.
I was begging and pleading with my eyes.
I wanted you to actually see me.
For the helpless child I was,
Unable to spread my wings,
And fly away from this dreadful place.
Filled with cigarette smoke and Hamms beer.
Every face full of tears.
All of us wanting to run in opposite directions.
Away from all the pain, the hate,
The neglect, the rejection, and lack of protection.
And in all the meanwhile,
When we did show up at school,
You better believe it was with a smile.
Never choosing to share our pain.
Only allowing you as far as our first and last names.
I don't think I ever had many friends visit this trailer.
But yet, My clothes looked like they were tailored.
With a pretty face, Nobody asked any questions.
So eventually I began to feel trapped and caged in.
The sadness started to control my life.
I quit going to school.
I couldn't look at my reflection.
And I stopped eating food.
I locked myself in a place I wish upon none.
These are the things I am constantly running from.
If you thought you knew me, You had no idea.
All you really knew,
Was that my name is Lia.
So the next time you find yourself judging.
Or a teacher, Teaching a class,
Remember these soldier children,
And know that each and every one of them have a past.