I'm embarrassed to still have feelings for you.
I'm trying my hardest to forget it.
Forget you.
Trying to remember to forget.
It's so hard to.
When looking at our daughter,
It's almost as if you are looking back at me.
The exact same eyes.
With the same intensity.
Melting me instantly.
Disabling my mind.
I can only feel with my soul.
So deeply.
I like to refer to Alice,
And that famous rabbit hole.
Tumbling in wonder.
Before I even know it.
Confused.
A little frightened.
Intrigued.
Eager to explore.
I take off running into the forest.
Happily.
Excited.
And scared.
Butterflies.
In thousands.
I always love people who cannot love me.
Feels as if I'm forever dreaming.
As if this world,
Of wonderland,
Is foreign.
It doesn't feel like home.
I can't seem to find too many "good ones."
Male or female.
Doesn't seem to make a difference.
When I start thinking of you,
I'm forced to think of these things.
The things that I'm so obviously missing.
Answers.
As to why everything ends.
Is it my problem?
Or yours?
You cannot generalize such a thing.
Everyone is different.
But I'm tired.
Tired of breaking through arms,
With all I have to give.
Red rover,
Red rover,
Lia is tired,
And can no longer come over.
Tired is an understatement.
I'm fully exhausted.
Impatient.
Angry.
Frustrated.
With a glass that's half empty.
But because you left.
Left me to be on my own with two children.
To be their only guide.
To be the positive influence.
To be a hero.
Who kills the spiders.
Like I'm super human.
To be the teacher,
Dishing out my own homework.
The nurse when it's winter,
Or an average day at kindergarten.
To be the chef.
Who has no choice but to be crafty,
Because there's never too much money.
The unpaid maid.
I am the gardener.
In every sense.
Covered in hard work.
To be the grace.
To be the consistency.
The stability.
The encouragement.
The builder of the unimaginable.
The builder of trust.
The one who doesn't have the option of giving up.
I couldn't walk away,
Even when I was desperate too.
I still can't walk away.
No matter how much I should.
You damaged me greatly.
Still do daily.
And here I am,
Still being the one to do the saving.
I cannot do it anymore.
You left me with nothing.
Feels like you took me with you whether or not if I wanted you to.
I'm over it.
Earn your own wings.
Pack your own parachute.
Be brave.
While your back is slowly breaking.
Be brave.
When you're shoved unexpectedly from behind.
Forced to free fall from 12,000 feet above.
Without even enough time for a proper sky diving lesson.
I'm not strapped to nobody's chest.
Unlike you.
Now all I see is red.
When the view should be blue.
I'm angry.
And have every right to be.
Because I do love you,
I can't even speak again,
Of the truly awful things you did to me.
That we both know of.
And wish we didn't.
So much shame.
I know you're not proud of them.
I will try not to rub them in.
Without even realizing it,
I display time and time again,
Of what a decent human being is.
Compared to you.
I only compare in the first place,
Because that's what you would do.
So you understand,
Because image is most important.
When all you have to do is just care.
About more than yourself.
It's really that simple.
People will say they do,
That they love you,
But when their words don't match their actions,
All of the sudden you're the "crazy" one,
Because you noticed it.
Right?
Strange how love works sometimes.
Your heart starts making decisions for you,
Then you go scrambling to catch up with them.
To keep up.
And not become lost.
When it has had a running head start from the very beginning,
Chances are,
No matter how fast you run,
You're coming in last place.
Because there wasn't enough balance.
Not enough give and take.
One got too greedy,
The other got needy,
And so they took off running.
Opposite directions.
You lost from the very beginning.
Before you ever even started.
But you were unaware of it.
So you just kept on running.
Racing.
Free falling.
Until your lungs were burning.
Side aching.
You want to stop so bad.
But your ego won't let you.
So you kept on going.
Even while feeling defeated.
Even knowing your chances of "winning."
You persevere,
You stay strong,
Refusing to give up.
You repeat to yourself,
That you're going to finish what you started.
That's what my mother taught me.
She didn't raise a quitter.
Maybe we can fix each other?
Being so desperate,
Will make you think of stupid things.
And the power of love?
Well that's a whole different story.
A very long one.
It's fair to say that yes.
LOVE IS BLIND.
Blind as a bat.
Love is careless.
Ironic isn't it?
Like it's own force of energy.
Has no care in the world,
Whether your coming, going, staying, or leaving.
Constantly coming back around.
Ive always disliked Mary go rounds.
Makes me feel sick.
Spinning round and round and round again.
Exactly why when I start reminiscing over the feelings I still have for you,
I'm going to choose to remember to think about all that I have been through with you.
Not just the beautiful parts.
This is not a time for selective memory.
Moving on isn't easy.
Especially when you never wanted to.
Or expected that you would have to.
I'm beyond angry with you.
And anger is another thing foreign to me.
I'm not even sure what to do with it.
Feels so wrong,
That it makes me want to conceal and hide it.
I cannot cleanse my soul,
Of this filth,
The only way I know how.
Because the things that happened,
Feel like they should be buried and hidden like a crime.
Spending the rest of your days on edge.
Hoping you don't get caught.
Or give some sort of clue.
I want to climb to the top of the moon,
And scream your name.
Just to even see if you look.
Oblivious.
Yet intentional.
Controlling.
Yet not a care in the world.
A man of God,
Who kisses married women.
A womanizer.
I used to think chameleons were cool.
You change the beauty I see in this world.
I have to fight it every day.
In every moment.
To not be that monster we created.
You couldn't be man enough to just admit it.
admit that truly didn't love me.
Love doesn't hurt like that.
So take them back.
Every single lie of "I love you's."
This nightmare feels as if it's never going to end.
My heart just started beating faster.
My eyes are filling up fast.
Which is a good sign that I'm finally getting some of it out.
This poisonous,
Heart wrenching pain.
The only person I have ever truly loved,
Was unable to love me in return.
He walked away from all three of us on May 22nd, 2017 @ 7 A.M. in the morning.
Woke up to a bag packed.
Asked me to come with him.
Knowing I wouldn't.
We already had that discussion.
Said he was going to go with or without us.
Life left my body.
Love left my soul.
Hollow.
I will be praying the price for an entire lifetime.
But rather than let it destroy me,
Rather than choose to think that we are victims,
I will choose to turn a tragedy,
Into a story of triumph.
With the help from God.
I will choose to share this testimony,
Of one of the hardest days of my life.
I'm trying my hardest to forget it.
Forget you.
Trying to remember to forget.
It's so hard to.
When looking at our daughter,
It's almost as if you are looking back at me.
The exact same eyes.
With the same intensity.
Melting me instantly.
Disabling my mind.
I can only feel with my soul.
So deeply.
I like to refer to Alice,
And that famous rabbit hole.
Tumbling in wonder.
Before I even know it.
Confused.
A little frightened.
Intrigued.
Eager to explore.
I take off running into the forest.
Happily.
Excited.
And scared.
Butterflies.
In thousands.
I always love people who cannot love me.
Feels as if I'm forever dreaming.
As if this world,
Of wonderland,
Is foreign.
It doesn't feel like home.
I can't seem to find too many "good ones."
Male or female.
Doesn't seem to make a difference.
When I start thinking of you,
I'm forced to think of these things.
The things that I'm so obviously missing.
Answers.
As to why everything ends.
Is it my problem?
Or yours?
You cannot generalize such a thing.
Everyone is different.
But I'm tired.
Tired of breaking through arms,
With all I have to give.
Red rover,
Red rover,
Lia is tired,
And can no longer come over.
Tired is an understatement.
I'm fully exhausted.
Impatient.
Angry.
Frustrated.
With a glass that's half empty.
But because you left.
Left me to be on my own with two children.
To be their only guide.
To be the positive influence.
To be a hero.
Who kills the spiders.
Like I'm super human.
To be the teacher,
Dishing out my own homework.
The nurse when it's winter,
Or an average day at kindergarten.
To be the chef.
Who has no choice but to be crafty,
Because there's never too much money.
The unpaid maid.
I am the gardener.
In every sense.
Covered in hard work.
To be the grace.
To be the consistency.
The stability.
The encouragement.
The builder of the unimaginable.
The builder of trust.
The one who doesn't have the option of giving up.
I couldn't walk away,
Even when I was desperate too.
I still can't walk away.
No matter how much I should.
You damaged me greatly.
Still do daily.
And here I am,
Still being the one to do the saving.
I cannot do it anymore.
You left me with nothing.
Feels like you took me with you whether or not if I wanted you to.
I'm over it.
Earn your own wings.
Pack your own parachute.
Be brave.
While your back is slowly breaking.
Be brave.
When you're shoved unexpectedly from behind.
Forced to free fall from 12,000 feet above.
Without even enough time for a proper sky diving lesson.
I'm not strapped to nobody's chest.
Unlike you.
Now all I see is red.
When the view should be blue.
I'm angry.
And have every right to be.
Because I do love you,
I can't even speak again,
Of the truly awful things you did to me.
That we both know of.
And wish we didn't.
So much shame.
I know you're not proud of them.
I will try not to rub them in.
Without even realizing it,
I display time and time again,
Of what a decent human being is.
Compared to you.
I only compare in the first place,
Because that's what you would do.
So you understand,
Because image is most important.
When all you have to do is just care.
About more than yourself.
It's really that simple.
People will say they do,
That they love you,
But when their words don't match their actions,
All of the sudden you're the "crazy" one,
Because you noticed it.
Right?
Strange how love works sometimes.
Your heart starts making decisions for you,
Then you go scrambling to catch up with them.
To keep up.
And not become lost.
When it has had a running head start from the very beginning,
Chances are,
No matter how fast you run,
You're coming in last place.
Because there wasn't enough balance.
Not enough give and take.
One got too greedy,
The other got needy,
And so they took off running.
Opposite directions.
You lost from the very beginning.
Before you ever even started.
But you were unaware of it.
So you just kept on running.
Racing.
Free falling.
Until your lungs were burning.
Side aching.
You want to stop so bad.
But your ego won't let you.
So you kept on going.
Even while feeling defeated.
Even knowing your chances of "winning."
You persevere,
You stay strong,
Refusing to give up.
You repeat to yourself,
That you're going to finish what you started.
That's what my mother taught me.
She didn't raise a quitter.
Maybe we can fix each other?
Being so desperate,
Will make you think of stupid things.
And the power of love?
Well that's a whole different story.
A very long one.
It's fair to say that yes.
LOVE IS BLIND.
Blind as a bat.
Love is careless.
Ironic isn't it?
Like it's own force of energy.
Has no care in the world,
Whether your coming, going, staying, or leaving.
Constantly coming back around.
Ive always disliked Mary go rounds.
Makes me feel sick.
Spinning round and round and round again.
Exactly why when I start reminiscing over the feelings I still have for you,
I'm going to choose to remember to think about all that I have been through with you.
Not just the beautiful parts.
This is not a time for selective memory.
Moving on isn't easy.
Especially when you never wanted to.
Or expected that you would have to.
I'm beyond angry with you.
And anger is another thing foreign to me.
I'm not even sure what to do with it.
Feels so wrong,
That it makes me want to conceal and hide it.
I cannot cleanse my soul,
Of this filth,
The only way I know how.
Because the things that happened,
Feel like they should be buried and hidden like a crime.
Spending the rest of your days on edge.
Hoping you don't get caught.
Or give some sort of clue.
I want to climb to the top of the moon,
And scream your name.
Just to even see if you look.
Oblivious.
Yet intentional.
Controlling.
Yet not a care in the world.
A man of God,
Who kisses married women.
A womanizer.
I used to think chameleons were cool.
You change the beauty I see in this world.
I have to fight it every day.
In every moment.
To not be that monster we created.
You couldn't be man enough to just admit it.
admit that truly didn't love me.
Love doesn't hurt like that.
So take them back.
Every single lie of "I love you's."
This nightmare feels as if it's never going to end.
My heart just started beating faster.
My eyes are filling up fast.
Which is a good sign that I'm finally getting some of it out.
This poisonous,
Heart wrenching pain.
The only person I have ever truly loved,
Was unable to love me in return.
He walked away from all three of us on May 22nd, 2017 @ 7 A.M. in the morning.
Woke up to a bag packed.
Asked me to come with him.
Knowing I wouldn't.
We already had that discussion.
Said he was going to go with or without us.
Life left my body.
Love left my soul.
Hollow.
I will be praying the price for an entire lifetime.
But rather than let it destroy me,
Rather than choose to think that we are victims,
I will choose to turn a tragedy,
Into a story of triumph.
With the help from God.
I will choose to share this testimony,
Of one of the hardest days of my life.
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