Been doing a whole lot of thinking.
And feeling.
It's exhausting.
I want to escape my own skin.
The only way I've ever known how to do it,
Is by pouring it all out right here.
In writing.
In poetry.
In song.
Lately,
It's the last thing I want to do.
Is face these feelings.
I know it's better sooner than later.
But I almost can't bear it.
The pain that is.
Which creates a feeling of panic.
Anxiety.
Because then I want to.
I need to.
I can't run this time.
It's like I have been bound.
Glued to the wet pavement.
No matter how much I silently scream.
There's no freedom.
So I know it's time.
I don't even know where to begin.
So much has happened.
In such a short amount of time.
So much awful shit,
That it's really hard to even write about it.
That's a first.
But here goes nothing,
Considering I don't got much to lose at this point.
My self worth is already at an all time low.
You couldn't hurt me with your judgment,
Anymore than what has already been done.
It came from a man that I deeply loved.
Who was too much of a coward to love me.
He would tell the entire world he did.
Does and still does,
Even if it's untrue.
That's the kind of man he is.
He would likely make you believe he actually does.
But let me tell you about that "love".
He never would.
He can't seem to tell the truth.
Let me tell you what happened behind closed doors.
I couldn't see it when I was getting up from the floor.
I couldn't see it through my own front door.
I couldn't see it through never ending tears.
I couldn't see it even in the operating room,
While giving birth to his child by c-section.
We left 48 hours later at his request.
I couldn't see it when looking into a mirror.
I could only see the thing's he called me.
I couldn't see it,
Because I couldn't see him.
He kept his true identity hidden from me.
Until it was too late to leave.
I had life,
That we created,
Growing inside of me.
I resented him for it.
For lying and deceiving me.
I felt tricked quickly.
Right from the beginning,
None of it mattered to him.
And because I truly loved this person,
In unconditional ways,
I couldn't see any of it.
I choose not to.
Only looking for the good.
That I still have yet to find.
Feels like a blur.
Like a surreal,
Outer body experience.
I couldn't see until it was over,
That's just a way victims cope with abuse.
I disassociated with myself to survive it.
To survive ever body battering beating.
I would think,
Light as a feather.
Float on your back on water.
How long can you hold your breath under water?
I would drift to another place.
Until it was over.
The morning would come,
And it would be dealt with as if it never even happened.
Just pushing forward.
Maybe we felt like that was our only option.
A whole lot of misplaced emotions.
There was never an apology.
Never will be.
Because it was always my fault.
Not Facebook appropriate?
Never mind that.
It could be life saving.
I'll keep going.
Even though I'm desperate to stop.
It's beyond time,
To turn around and face this monster.
The monster he created inside of me,
And fed daily.
That would likely be his reasoning for it too.
Body shaming was the hardest.
I've always been a little insecure.
I went through way too much in my younger years.
I clearly got some issues.
That I do not hide or deny.
In fact,
I put them on display.
The difference;
He knew exactly what he was getting into to.
Thanked me for being so honest too.
I never thought I would be exploited for it.
Used.
Manipulated.
And abused.
His biggest mistake,
Was thinking that I am weak.
Guess he should have taken more time getting to know me.
Guess I could take that advice too.
I can feel myself getting angry.
Breathe Lia.....
It's over.
But it's not.
And never will be.
He gave me a long list of lifetime shit to deal with.
More to overcome.
I will choose not to hate him.
Because these things just make you better.
Stronger.
Wiser.
Right?
I'm struggling where to place this anger,
Or how to deal with it.
I want it out of me.
Makes me feel hateful and ugly.
So here I sit,
Sorting through all of it.
Alone.
Waiting on a therapist.
With no answers that will ever make any of it make any sense.
The only ones to offer,
I can learn from google.
My girls are comforting.
So is the sunshine.
My family.
My loved ones.
I feel like I failed them.
The day I let them go to bed every night thinking it may be the last time they would see me.
I didn't know what that felt like,
Until after I left.
That's when the fear really sets in.
The flight or fight response.
On overdrive.
When they've realized they have lost complete control.
I spend every day,
Not knowing what to expect.
Looking over my shoulder.
In constant anxiety filled wonder.
Like when you've swatted a bee.
Did nothing but mange to piss him off.
Am I going to die?
Or am I going to live?
Is he even capable of it?
Was he capable of the rest of it?
I have no answers.
Your guess is as good as mine.
be very careful who you let in.
No matter how smart,
Clever,
Witty and intelligent you think you are,
Remember that they arrive in perfect packages.
I'm scared of everybody.
Not easy to get to.
And he succeeded in it somehow.
Remember that when first falling in love,
You're stupid.
With pheromones and endorphins raging through your bodies.
Take time.
Lots of time.
Especially when it involves children.
She never seen it.
And Izzabelle won't remember.
Thank God.
But she surely felt it.
I know they both felt my pain.
Izzabelle,
Even while I was pregnant.
That's an assault 4 charge.
She can't handle anyone raising their voices.
Jocelyn asks me when she can hear his again.
I hurt her too.
When I forgot to be a mother first.
I was too busy falling in sick love.
Planning a future,
With a partial human.
I believed I just met my husband.
How could I be so wrong?
So unlike me.
Which shows how manipulative it really is.
I should have seen the red flags.
I did.
But chose to look past them.
I let every word,
Every lie,
And manipulation,
Penetrate my entire soul.
He was supposedly a man of God,
So I gladly soaked in his holy water.
Like a bath of acid.
That's how it felt.
In seconds,
My skin was melted.
Stripped me down to bones.
Suddenly,
And very suddenly,
I was unrecognizable.
To anyone who knew me.
As if the life had been drained right out of me.
That's exactly how it felt.
So dark.
No light.
No love.
Hiding it wasn't easy.
Especially when you knew you weren't actually hiding anything at all.
It was apparent for all to see.
Unhappiness,
Sadness,
Depression,
Sending out magnetic waves,
Despite the masks we were wearing,
Of despair.
Hopelessness.
Heart ache.
It's like Lucifer was crawling up from the basement.
I truly believe,
Even in this moment,
He's likely sleeping peacefully.
Unaware and unapologetic for the pain he causes.
Unable to take accountability and suffering from narcissistic behavior disorder.
We are all fragile humans.
Again,
I won't hate him.
He was unfortunately taught this way by his own childhood experiences.
I know he occasionally hurts too.
Just in different ways than I do.
Maybe one day,
He will admit he was wrong.
And stop there.
I doubt it.
I will never forget,
How every single I love you that he gave me,
Was followed by a "but".
I never spoke to him about that much.
But I noticed it every single time.
It arrived in the form of emotionally throwing knives.
I loved him despite the never ending "but".
I forgave him,
And was able to still love him every single time.
For all of it.
Continuously,
Had to practice the art of forgiving.
The other women,
The abusiveness of every kind.
The lock on his phone.
Blocking the mother of his child from his Facebook.
The admissions of going to bed just so he didn't have to spend time with me.
So hurtful.
Confusing.
When seconds after these moments,
I would make sure I believed that he did in fact love me.
Falling asleep mid sentence,
Or while I am crying.
Leaving when I needed him the most.
More than one time.
Or the questions,
My abuser,
Got to ask me in court.
This Sunday is coming quick.
I'm not ready.
I cannot control any of it.
It's in God's hands.
And always has been.
Every time I asked for answers,
for the truth,
He delivered it.
I just didn't want to see and believe it.
Straight denial.
The effects of abuse in full force.
Until one morning I woke up to him leaving me.
Us.
And it was the best thing he could have ever done for us.
I see that now.
Still hurts though.
I won't run.
No matter how badly I want to.
I'm going to stay right here.
And pray.
Pray that He will continue to take my hand,
And lead me.
Down the right paths.
Occasionally taking a left turn.
Because I'm refusing to learn or listen.
I walk down that dead end,
Until I'm sick and tired of experiencing it.
Until I'm ready for new sightings and new beginning's.
Until I'm so frustrated,
And disappointed,
That I gladly choose to follow Him.
Because when I do,
I not only find light,
I find rainbows,
Blue skies,
Pots of gold.
The pots aren't full of gold.
They are full of unconditional love.
I find the most indescribable acceptance.
Balance.
Appreciation and hope.
When you find yourself questioning Him,
Wait until all you have left is a prayer.
Wait until you're fighting to survive.
Begging Him to allow you to breathe.
To have the privilege of living.
Because you know he's not going to stop.
The more you plead,
Scream,
Cry,
The longer it lasts.
And you're running out of air quickly.
When light fades to darkness,
And darkness turns to light again,
You'll see Him.
You'd be a fool not to.
You'll never forget it.
Suddenly all of this hurtful bullshit doesn't hurt as much.
Because you know that at the end of every single day,
You are eternally greatly loved.
Got so caught up in a sick love,
That I forgot about what is most important.
That will never be between a man and a woman for me.
There's so much more to life than that to me.
Love on earth,
Is subject to change.
I no longer want anything to do with self serving love.
I'm thankful for all of it.
Believe it or not.
But I will be forever picky,
About who I let in,
For good reason.
Patterns repeat until you're ready to break them.
No more self sabotaging.
No more self hate.
No more never ending criticism.
I'm going to choose,
To begin to find love for myself again.
Love for life.
Love for human nature.
Love...... for the enemy.
Thank you for letting go.
Even though you think you love me.
*And a special thank you to J. Cole,
For helping me through it.
Music is everything.
And feeling.
It's exhausting.
I want to escape my own skin.
The only way I've ever known how to do it,
Is by pouring it all out right here.
In writing.
In poetry.
In song.
Lately,
It's the last thing I want to do.
Is face these feelings.
I know it's better sooner than later.
But I almost can't bear it.
The pain that is.
Which creates a feeling of panic.
Anxiety.
Because then I want to.
I need to.
I can't run this time.
It's like I have been bound.
Glued to the wet pavement.
No matter how much I silently scream.
There's no freedom.
So I know it's time.
I don't even know where to begin.
So much has happened.
In such a short amount of time.
So much awful shit,
That it's really hard to even write about it.
That's a first.
But here goes nothing,
Considering I don't got much to lose at this point.
My self worth is already at an all time low.
You couldn't hurt me with your judgment,
Anymore than what has already been done.
It came from a man that I deeply loved.
Who was too much of a coward to love me.
He would tell the entire world he did.
Does and still does,
Even if it's untrue.
That's the kind of man he is.
He would likely make you believe he actually does.
But let me tell you about that "love".
He never would.
He can't seem to tell the truth.
Let me tell you what happened behind closed doors.
I couldn't see it when I was getting up from the floor.
I couldn't see it through my own front door.
I couldn't see it through never ending tears.
I couldn't see it even in the operating room,
While giving birth to his child by c-section.
We left 48 hours later at his request.
I couldn't see it when looking into a mirror.
I could only see the thing's he called me.
I couldn't see it,
Because I couldn't see him.
He kept his true identity hidden from me.
Until it was too late to leave.
I had life,
That we created,
Growing inside of me.
I resented him for it.
For lying and deceiving me.
I felt tricked quickly.
Right from the beginning,
None of it mattered to him.
And because I truly loved this person,
In unconditional ways,
I couldn't see any of it.
I choose not to.
Only looking for the good.
That I still have yet to find.
Feels like a blur.
Like a surreal,
Outer body experience.
I couldn't see until it was over,
That's just a way victims cope with abuse.
I disassociated with myself to survive it.
To survive ever body battering beating.
I would think,
Light as a feather.
Float on your back on water.
How long can you hold your breath under water?
I would drift to another place.
Until it was over.
The morning would come,
And it would be dealt with as if it never even happened.
Just pushing forward.
Maybe we felt like that was our only option.
A whole lot of misplaced emotions.
There was never an apology.
Never will be.
Because it was always my fault.
Not Facebook appropriate?
Never mind that.
It could be life saving.
I'll keep going.
Even though I'm desperate to stop.
It's beyond time,
To turn around and face this monster.
The monster he created inside of me,
And fed daily.
That would likely be his reasoning for it too.
Body shaming was the hardest.
I've always been a little insecure.
I went through way too much in my younger years.
I clearly got some issues.
That I do not hide or deny.
In fact,
I put them on display.
The difference;
He knew exactly what he was getting into to.
Thanked me for being so honest too.
I never thought I would be exploited for it.
Used.
Manipulated.
And abused.
His biggest mistake,
Was thinking that I am weak.
Guess he should have taken more time getting to know me.
Guess I could take that advice too.
I can feel myself getting angry.
Breathe Lia.....
It's over.
But it's not.
And never will be.
He gave me a long list of lifetime shit to deal with.
More to overcome.
I will choose not to hate him.
Because these things just make you better.
Stronger.
Wiser.
Right?
I'm struggling where to place this anger,
Or how to deal with it.
I want it out of me.
Makes me feel hateful and ugly.
So here I sit,
Sorting through all of it.
Alone.
Waiting on a therapist.
With no answers that will ever make any of it make any sense.
The only ones to offer,
I can learn from google.
My girls are comforting.
So is the sunshine.
My family.
My loved ones.
I feel like I failed them.
The day I let them go to bed every night thinking it may be the last time they would see me.
I didn't know what that felt like,
Until after I left.
That's when the fear really sets in.
The flight or fight response.
On overdrive.
When they've realized they have lost complete control.
I spend every day,
Not knowing what to expect.
Looking over my shoulder.
In constant anxiety filled wonder.
Like when you've swatted a bee.
Did nothing but mange to piss him off.
Am I going to die?
Or am I going to live?
Is he even capable of it?
Was he capable of the rest of it?
I have no answers.
Your guess is as good as mine.
be very careful who you let in.
No matter how smart,
Clever,
Witty and intelligent you think you are,
Remember that they arrive in perfect packages.
I'm scared of everybody.
Not easy to get to.
And he succeeded in it somehow.
Remember that when first falling in love,
You're stupid.
With pheromones and endorphins raging through your bodies.
Take time.
Lots of time.
Especially when it involves children.
She never seen it.
And Izzabelle won't remember.
Thank God.
But she surely felt it.
I know they both felt my pain.
Izzabelle,
Even while I was pregnant.
That's an assault 4 charge.
She can't handle anyone raising their voices.
Jocelyn asks me when she can hear his again.
I hurt her too.
When I forgot to be a mother first.
I was too busy falling in sick love.
Planning a future,
With a partial human.
I believed I just met my husband.
How could I be so wrong?
So unlike me.
Which shows how manipulative it really is.
I should have seen the red flags.
I did.
But chose to look past them.
I let every word,
Every lie,
And manipulation,
Penetrate my entire soul.
He was supposedly a man of God,
So I gladly soaked in his holy water.
Like a bath of acid.
That's how it felt.
In seconds,
My skin was melted.
Stripped me down to bones.
Suddenly,
And very suddenly,
I was unrecognizable.
To anyone who knew me.
As if the life had been drained right out of me.
That's exactly how it felt.
So dark.
No light.
No love.
Hiding it wasn't easy.
Especially when you knew you weren't actually hiding anything at all.
It was apparent for all to see.
Unhappiness,
Sadness,
Depression,
Sending out magnetic waves,
Despite the masks we were wearing,
Of despair.
Hopelessness.
Heart ache.
It's like Lucifer was crawling up from the basement.
I truly believe,
Even in this moment,
He's likely sleeping peacefully.
Unaware and unapologetic for the pain he causes.
Unable to take accountability and suffering from narcissistic behavior disorder.
We are all fragile humans.
Again,
I won't hate him.
He was unfortunately taught this way by his own childhood experiences.
I know he occasionally hurts too.
Just in different ways than I do.
Maybe one day,
He will admit he was wrong.
And stop there.
I doubt it.
I will never forget,
How every single I love you that he gave me,
Was followed by a "but".
I never spoke to him about that much.
But I noticed it every single time.
It arrived in the form of emotionally throwing knives.
I loved him despite the never ending "but".
I forgave him,
And was able to still love him every single time.
For all of it.
Continuously,
Had to practice the art of forgiving.
The other women,
The abusiveness of every kind.
The lock on his phone.
Blocking the mother of his child from his Facebook.
The admissions of going to bed just so he didn't have to spend time with me.
So hurtful.
Confusing.
When seconds after these moments,
I would make sure I believed that he did in fact love me.
Falling asleep mid sentence,
Or while I am crying.
Leaving when I needed him the most.
More than one time.
Or the questions,
My abuser,
Got to ask me in court.
This Sunday is coming quick.
I'm not ready.
I cannot control any of it.
It's in God's hands.
And always has been.
Every time I asked for answers,
for the truth,
He delivered it.
I just didn't want to see and believe it.
Straight denial.
The effects of abuse in full force.
Until one morning I woke up to him leaving me.
Us.
And it was the best thing he could have ever done for us.
I see that now.
Still hurts though.
I won't run.
No matter how badly I want to.
I'm going to stay right here.
And pray.
Pray that He will continue to take my hand,
And lead me.
Down the right paths.
Occasionally taking a left turn.
Because I'm refusing to learn or listen.
I walk down that dead end,
Until I'm sick and tired of experiencing it.
Until I'm ready for new sightings and new beginning's.
Until I'm so frustrated,
And disappointed,
That I gladly choose to follow Him.
Because when I do,
I not only find light,
I find rainbows,
Blue skies,
Pots of gold.
The pots aren't full of gold.
They are full of unconditional love.
I find the most indescribable acceptance.
Balance.
Appreciation and hope.
When you find yourself questioning Him,
Wait until all you have left is a prayer.
Wait until you're fighting to survive.
Begging Him to allow you to breathe.
To have the privilege of living.
Because you know he's not going to stop.
The more you plead,
Scream,
Cry,
The longer it lasts.
And you're running out of air quickly.
When light fades to darkness,
And darkness turns to light again,
You'll see Him.
You'd be a fool not to.
You'll never forget it.
Suddenly all of this hurtful bullshit doesn't hurt as much.
Because you know that at the end of every single day,
You are eternally greatly loved.
Got so caught up in a sick love,
That I forgot about what is most important.
That will never be between a man and a woman for me.
There's so much more to life than that to me.
Love on earth,
Is subject to change.
I no longer want anything to do with self serving love.
I'm thankful for all of it.
Believe it or not.
But I will be forever picky,
About who I let in,
For good reason.
Patterns repeat until you're ready to break them.
No more self sabotaging.
No more self hate.
No more never ending criticism.
I'm going to choose,
To begin to find love for myself again.
Love for life.
Love for human nature.
Love...... for the enemy.
Thank you for letting go.
Even though you think you love me.
*And a special thank you to J. Cole,
For helping me through it.
Music is everything.
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