Never After 5/14

Its time to get brutally truthful.
Like I haven't already?
But these are the ultimate tests.
I feel like I am finally almost ready.
To leave it all behind.
Everything I couldn't change.
What wasn't worth my time.
My love.
Energy.
Or leave who behind.
Its never fun when life gives you ultimatums.
Going fee-fi-foo-fum,
While sitting right on the pendulum.
Swinging back and forth.
In complete silence.
But the exact opposite of boredom.
Total freedom.
These random tweddle dee and tweddle dumber's,
That try to ruin every ounce of your slumber,
Are put in place as hurdles for you to gain strength to overcome.
When looking back,
I cant help but to over react.
So many memories.
That kill me.
Because of the things I lacked.
I didn't have the capability.
I wasn't even being me.
So kind of other personality.
To distract me.
From the lack of happiness.
The lack of self love.
Life has always fit too tightly.
A glove that is too small.
Burning my fingertips.
The longer I use it.
I was meant to walk these roads again.
I don't know how many times,
But I feel like I have been here before.
Once.
Twice.
Every 100 years.
All I know is that this gift was destiny.
This journey has been about nobody but myself.
Trying to find myself.
Through failures.
The missing cheerleader.
The wanna be criminal defense lawyer.
The one who can seem to only accomplish one thing.
Talking.
In your ear.
Talking you to sleep.
Having nothing left but words.
I have so much to fear.
I feel so lonely in this rocking chair.
Sam smith, Stay with me,
In my own ear.
At 11:02 p.m.
Unable to sleep.
Fearing sleep.
The dark brings out monsters that want to feed.
On all of my memories.
I guess when you forcefully train your brain,
To look the other way,
You likely wouldn't have so many words to say.
Spooning in your master suit,
After putting your children to bed.
You smile as you lay down to rest your head.
There is no time to count sheep.
Within minutes,
You're fast asleep.
I envy that ability.
At least once a day,
I spend time reading astrology.
Hoping for some unknown clue.
Looking to Christianity,
And religion in general, for answers.
On a quest for harmony.
But hypocritically filled with animosity.
Putting my extreme feelings in poetry.
Maybe a way to make them interesting.
Selfishly,
I thought I was important for some reason.
Taking my anger and rage out on the world,
And majority who occupy it.
Seeing every idea or opinion besides my own as unfit.
A desire to control.
With no ability to stop it.
Filled with anxiety that just wont quit.
Just as these thoughts wont either.
My body feels like its aching.
Also internally.
I'm silently suffering.
Because I'm being ungrateful and choosy.
Picking apart the ugly in this world.
In every guy and girl.
And then trying to gorilla glue it back together.
In this case,
How could it ever last forever.
Shattering mirror's on purpose.
Because the reflection looks useless.
Gaining confidence.
But only for short moments.
Its only a matter of time before the cracks start showing.
Showing the light.
There's a fire lit within me,
For unknown reasons.
I wish, just like you,
That I would just give up.
And stop fighting.
Fighting life.
The natural course it has always run.
Brainwashing us to believe in freedom.
Freedom of choice.
When there is no choice.
Stay in line and vote,
Or set sail on the pacific with one ore in an inflatable boat.
If you fight the natural tides,
There is a good chance you're going to die.
I don't want to die.
But I don't want to live in this place,
Our government and society has created.
I know I have my own problems.
And its left me feeling jaded.
Everything is so complicated.
When it could be simple.
But I ask myself,
What is the purpose of life,
If you live secretly complacent and miserable.
The learning curve is immense.
You're coming back whether you like it or not.
Because we are not learning.
People call me crazy.
So that must mean the rest of them are also full of insanity.
Repeating a behavior,
With no different outcome.
Just going to work.
And preaching about your freedom.
That you've done nothing to achieve them.
Ignorantly maybe a few friends and relatives.
You were just lucky enough,
Your mother lived where she did when you were born.
A cap and gown,
Helmet and gun,
Or miss America crown,
Does not give someone the right to look down.
America the land of the brave huh.
The land of the free.
Is #Bringbackourgirls still "trending"?
This is my again,
Taking out on others my anxiety.
Because it is caused by society.
This is me wondering why everyone spends this short time on earth,
Sleeping.
My broken emotions have much to do with myself.
Nobody else.
But what eats me alive,
Ill never be able to change.
So here I sit.
Time after time.
Complaining.
Making sure it rhymes.
So I can call it a poem.
When in reality,
Its my own way of running away.
Of talking a lot and running in circles.
Screaming until my face is purple.
Convinced I'm not an equal.
Since I was a child.
My difference's destroy my own common sense.
Nothing makes sense.
And it never has.
I remember looking at photo albums of my dads.
When he was my age.
Traveling.
Living.
Loving.
Experiencing.
Without me.
Capturing these moments.
And now they are frozen.
Forever.
In plastic.
Isn't it clever.
How life tends to work.
He isn't even my biological dad.
But you would think he was there at my birth.
Still there to this day.
I wasn't even is daughter.
And he treated me like he was my father.
People are meant to stumble in.
Regardless of the length of time.
Each one is on a job.
Given directions from God.
To find your broken fragile soul.
The day you lost your son,
You were being held by one of them.
The person who shot your son,
Will never forget him.
Losing his freedom for it.
He will forever sit and think about it.
Wondering how and why he got to where he did on his own path.
Wondering how that gun ever even got into his hands.
One life changes,
Because of another man or women.
I'm finally realizing...
That was is,
Is meant to be.
We are woven into these webs deliberately.
To entrap us.
To make us struggle.
And fight for our lives.
Because unless there is occasionally pain,
You're not even fully alive.
The after life,
Is the only time you should be truly satisfied.
Or contently happy.
We are here to learn.
To exist in disaster.
Not to live,
Happily ever after.