Golden Gates Brought By Fate 4/14

Its pounding deep in my chest.
When the thoughts of you arrive,
It takes everything in me to fight the depression.
The sadness.
Trying not to cry.
Weep is more like it.
I cant take it.
I want to break these chains and flee.
You wont let go of me.
And I don't know why.
Its driving me crazy.
Literally.
Losing my sight.
Becoming blind.
To all the things I should be thankful for.
But instead I'm frozen.
Staring at this closed door.
With nothing but a mind full of questions.
The unbearable pain can barely be mentioned.
Even in writing.
I need to get it out.
I need to face it.
To turn around and face you.
I need to let go of trying to understand what you put me through.
But its like the entire experience stunted my fragile growth.
Its like I'm still stuck at 4 foot 2.
Starring at you.
Starring back at me.
In everything I see.
You're everywhere.
Even haunting my dreams.
I close my eyes and your face is smothering me.
Street signs.
The music in my ear.
Billboards.
And holidays.
I'm stuck.
And I don't even have anything to say.
I just want to run.
In the opposite direction.
To comfort.
Warmth.
Love.
And affection.
Everything you could never give me.
Pain is not love.
I found this out the hard way.
The wrong way
The long way.
It took me over a decade to finally arrive at this day.
Where I found my worth.
The day that I learned to love myself first.
The first day that it didn't hurt.
How can it hurt when you've already got third degree burns.
At some point from shock you just become numb.
Incoherent.
Not even there.
Physically, yes.
But emotionally a yo-yo.
Constant motion.
The worst roller coaster.
I'm so sick.
I want off.
These days are so much different.
I've found the strength to change the forceful currents.
Anger is never a good thing.
But for a while its what's been my anchor.
Holding me in this place.
This place of strength and confidence.
No I understand.
I never needed you.
Its as simple as common sense.
You were never good for me.
Ultimately like a drug.
That I was completely addicted to.
You were like my heroin and I couldn't get enough of you.
Clark Kent in a 5 foot 7 stature.
There was nothing to stop it.
At 4 foot 2,
I was captured.
Catapulted to this fantasy world.
A place not intended for little girls and boys.
Innocent love is frightening.
Reckless.
The memories will always be your best.
The happiest.
Because we were too innocent and naive to not believe in fairy tales.
Rainbows,
Leprechauns,
And unicorns.
Care bares,
And ninja turtles you we adored.
Love doesn't belong in this sentence.
That's where God changed my fate.
That's where he ripped my heart open.
On purpose.
Because he knew without the love I had for you,
I would have never been this.
Exactly what I am.
A girl who walked out of the gates of hell.
Despite the massive fall.
He built me like the stair case to heaven.
Like steal.
So strong.
Unbreakable.
He made sure by guiding me on this journey of love.
Because the only man I will ever need,
Is the man who lives up above.
In the only magical land that truly exists.
Without you,
I would have never arrived at these golden gates.
And when you finally see me for who I am,
Its going to be too late.
And then it will be your turn.
With your very own lessons to take.