A Love Note To Teenagers - 4/30/2012

I'm coming undone. I'm falling apart.
It hurts when your coming unglued.
Something hideous is distracting the beautiful view.
It's barely out of your reach.
You try to escape it all by spending a weekend at the beach.
But it doesn't take away the reality of what is real.
If only we could see in ourselves, What others see.
Maybe we wouldn't find ourselves frequently lost needing help.
If only when you are a teenager,
Could you see the importance of appreciating the carelessness while it's there.
But we don't. we want to grow at a rapid pace.
To be adults to do whatever we want.
But what we don't realize is,
That's when the world crawls on your chest and decided it has found it's new home.
For some, This is when they find themselves with a new born, completely alone.
It's when you are forced to deal with pain you never thought could hurt so bad.
It's when you lose your best friend. your parents. or grand dad.
when bills are flying through your mail box like its a scene from harry potter.
When you have to get food stamps to feed your son or daughter.
When college is over, So is the party.
You are about to unexpectedly be smacked in the face with reality.
It's more than hard to swallow.
You literally have to choke it down.
No more proms. Wearing beautiful gowns.
No more size 1 after you bare scars from birthing life.
As a reminder, You are left with stretch marks.
No more barbies and Lego's.
Now a soldier coming home from war.
Missing a limb.
Now life has happened.
You will never ever be who you were back then.
If only we could have listened to the advice being thrown all over the place.
But instead its all about American Eagle and MySpace.
We think we have every answer when we are teenagers.
There is no time to listen.
There is only time for us.
That's when insecurity sets in from broken trust.
That's when people are given complexes.
From anger or from people who feel jealous.
We are jealous because we are all trying to find ourselves.
To find our right paths.
Learning formulas and how they react.
Being taught about our history when its a waste of time.
Because where people like that have gone is a mystery.
People who create such change.
People like Leonardo Da Vinci and Martin Luther King Jr.
People who changed the future.
Now it's all about Justin Beiber.
To care more would be intensely beneficial.
Make a big enough change and they will eventually recognize you.
Making your efforts official.
We need to dream bigger.
Especially when we are children.
Before we are adults.
When everyone tells you that you can't.
When nobody cares anymore.
When nobody listens.
I want to be remembered when I leave this place.
By my full name. Not just by my decent face,
I want my voice to be heard.
I want to write until God has taken my life.
Like I am relaying words he is softly whispering in my ear.
Coming in through me to make sure he is heard.
No dream is too big.
Picture it in your mind.
Creating a visual image.
You have the after life to rest.
So while you're here.
Exhaust yourself.
Push every limit.
Always force yourself to be,
What to you, Is the best.
Make yourself proud.
Nobody else will do that for you.
Work really hard, And God will reward you.
Apologize when your wrong.
Do the right thing.
Don't blame him for taking your son.
When it was the person holding the gun.
The person who interfered with his plan.
I remember when I was a child thinking of these things.
I knew it wasn't normal.
When your a teenager, Choose every step very carefully.
Don't let every mistake, Be the only thing to teach.
Be smart enough to know that your elders know something about life.
Don't always push them away.
Creating distance because your choosing not to listen.
Lost in hormones.
If you are reading this,
Take the advice before the party is over.
Before you have no room for mistakes.
Before you are a parent yourself.
And now, you're completely on your own.

A Womens Worth - 4/30/2012

She works so hard.
It's do or die.
Every day is more then a struggle.
But she continues to give it her best try.
She is a single mother.
Alone with 2 daughters.
She has no help.
She is completely by herself.
She was forced to be this mother before she was even grown.
Maintaining a 2 bedroom apartment.
It's too small of a space.
She feels the need to escape.
It's driving her insane.
She wants to run away.
Step foot on a plane.
She doesn't care the destination.
Just as long as there is no application.
Every breath she is breathing is becoming harder.
She is trying desperately to make up.
For feeling like she is failing her daughters.
One wrong choice was enough to change to direction of her life.
Meeting one of her daughters fathers.
He filled her eyes and heart full of dreams.
Instead decided to turn his back and walk away.
Leaving her stuck in this post traumatic state.
She can't always feel because of how numb she has had to become.
She walks to bus stops everyday.
To try and control the chaos.
To show her daughters, They still have a chance. It's gonna be ok.
She is screaming at the top of her lungs in a crowded room.
Not one head has turned to notice the commotion.
Her chest is so heavy. So tight.
From battling through this struggle. This fight.
From discovering the feeling of emotion again.
I wish I could save her.
Come to the rescue with some kind of magic potion.
All I can continue to do is show her,
I'm ALWAYS going to be her to support her.
I will never leave her behind.
I will pick up the slack of not only dead beat fathers,
But a dead beat grandmother also.
To be the one to scare away the monsters hiding in her closet.
To give what I can. help with her daughters. To be her sister.
No one besides our own family could ever love her like i do.
She is genuine. She's caring, honest, and true.
There is nothing she wouldn't do for you.
I could never sit here and write it all down for you know.
The worth of a women is almost un-human like.
For all that they are expected to do.
As mothers, daughters, sisters, wives.
Sometimes having to do these unbelievably hard tasks all by themselves.
There is no man there to help.
The strongest person you will ever meet is a mother.
Like extraterrestrial. It's hard to believe. Almost unreal.
And out of this world.
It all starts over with the birth of a new little girl.
They are under appreciated.
The only way we have our world today.
The only thing that keeps it turning.
And we today, Measure her beauty on the color of her hair or skin.
Her size. Whats on the exterior. Not the warrior on the inside.
It sickens me.

The Animal Within A Human - 4/25/12

Our system. Where to even begin.
Should I even begin. Is anyone even listening.
How is it that we are evolving.
Technology is thriving.
But our common sense is falling behind.
Computers and smart phones taking place of actually using our minds.
Who could have possible thought our judicial system is at all Justice in anyway.
Who are you as a stranger, To decide the fate of a human life.
By facts displayed. Maybe even circumstancial.
That these events may have taken place.
Maybe they are a 20 year old young man who made a bad choice.
Now he is living with a rapist. Locked in the same cage.
Like an animal who is no longer recognized by name.
But only by a set of numbers now.
When released, Leaving like infected with similar symptoms to mad cow.
Out of control and even worse then when they went in.
Now you expect them to be useful and productive.
A respected citizen. And that will never happen.
They say "Don't mess with Texas".
They're judicial system is the most complex and the hardest to understand.
With a "No Tolerance For drugs Law"
If you ask me it's ass backwards.
A system that releases a murderer before a drug dealer,
Is completely flawed.
When an animal attacks or mauls a human taking their life.
What do we do, We set out with weapons to hunt that animal.
To kill it for taking a life.
But yet, A set of 12 and 1 judge,
Sentence a man to 20 years for raping a child.
Or killing them with their bare hands.
A rope, Gun, Pillow, Or knife.
No matter how hard you fight.
They are released after 10.
Only four months later, To do this again.
Another child has just been taken.
At one point in time you would be hung for stealing a horse.
Because we stood for something.
We owned our voice and demanded a choice.
We don't do what's right at all today.
Apprehensive because It's "too expensive".
Let me ask you this, would you rather have entertainment of any kind,
Or have less missing children in the world to find.
People who hurt children do not deserve a second chance.
They are sick. There's a chemical imbalance.
So why take the chance. Why take a risk.
Is it truly worth it. No.
But again, Because they say it's too expensive.
The safety of my own child depends on people who are blind and ignorant.
People only want what's easiest today.
No matter Where, Who or What is betrayed.
Our world is living in silent chaos.
Everything is in a complete disarray.
Should it come to taking matters into our own hands.
Instead of waiting for a trial date.
When it comes to the life of a child or who took it.
Their fate should be death every time.
Madeleine McCann, I will never forget about you.
Your beautiful blond hair,
Or those eyes god gave you that are greenish blue.
You deserve to be with your family.
I don't know why they stole you.
I hope you are still alive. Still fighting.
To escape a place you should have never been in.
It's no place for a defenseless little girl.
Today you would have been 9.
You are a perfect example of what is wrong with our world.
What's wrong with man kind.
Just the day before you were a child playing on the sand in the sun.
And the next your life is forever changed because of a very sick person.
These people should never be treated like people for how they treated these children.
Even if they do live, After something so traumatic where do you even re-begin.
Sometimes It's takes some, Their entire lifetimes.
God doesn't open his gates for them.
They are not invited in.
So how as a christian, Or even if you're not religious.
Could we as people. Individuals, Tolerate this.
Maddie has inspired me.
To speak about this so no more children silently go missing.
Every day World Wide. Sadly, It's 1 million. Absolutley Astonishing.
So that no little girl or boy as a grown adult,
Has to live every day thinking that what happened to them might have been their fault.
To take away a lifetime of hurt. A lifetime of counseling.
To bring them back to their homes.
To be safely snuggled in their own living rooms.
Watching pictures of paramount.
To be with their families who love them like they should be loved.
To protect them from being raped. Murdered. Then smothered.
To take away every mothers massive heart ache.
I could never imagine that kind of pain.
That's why I keep my daughter attached to my side.
For fear that she might die.
She might meet this fate.
For fear that it could be my last time.
Of looking into her own beautiful greenish blue eyes.
They always say it just takes a second.
Remember that next time and every time.
Before taking them for granted when losing Patience.
Not everyone smiling is a good person inside.
Something needs to be done to fix whats wrong.
To make it right.
Leaving no more defenseless children.
Left alone, fighting.
Trying to be the one to save their own lives.

My High School Experience - 4/23/12

High school. Different experiences for different people.
Usually has something to do with where you come from.
There's only so much room to write mine down.
I was only there for a short time.
These are only some:
Waking up in the morning so early.
You would do anything to stay in your warm bed.
Getting ready with my brother.
Before we walked out the door,
My mom always made sure we were fed.
Pulling up to Estacada high.
I never wanted to be there.
I would rather die then go inside.
I was beyond shy.
I was concealing so much. Hiding.
From all of you.
Hoping your eyes would never find the truth.
That's why I never wanted to be around any of you.
Only letting very few people know what I was going through.
It was so much more then you could ever learn from a book.
I felt like school wasn't at all teaching me. I was distracted.
I felt like it was a shark tank.
It didn't matter how smart or pretty or popular you are.
They still always seemed like they wanted to tear you apart.
With their mouths. With their words.
With their attitudes. With their stares.
With every negative mood.
Nobody there honestly cared.
It's not the best place to be when you are already coming from a hard place.
People there don't care what's inside.
They only see your face. The color of your hair. Your eyes. Your size.
Making fun for their own selfishness.
But to you it's not fun at all.
Little do they know you have access to your dads shotgun.
Contemplating your own fate.
Thinking about being the one to end it all.
There seems to be no other escape.
Like living in a wooden casket.
You can't move within these tight walls.
But you can breath at least.
Deceiving. It's only for a short time.
Until you run out of oxygen. Suffocated.
So here you are.
With a sawed off shotgun.
Pointed at your very own chest.
Feeling hopeless. Totally worthless.
You try so hard but it's never enough.
Its not your best.
Rumors that spread as fast as the STD's.
I never wanted any part of it.
Knowing from such a young age that there had to be so much more to life.
So that's what I decided.
That I would leave this life.
Without the help of a shotgun.
And I would set out to find myself.
By the time I started to even somewhat figure it out.
All these people were already in collage.
Still living the party. Still living the dream.
Because they came from better families.
I used to be spiteful towards this kind.
Until one day I had sudden realized.
My parents could only show us what they knew.
even if it might not all have been true.
You don't choose who you are born to.
There is only so much parents can teach you.
Because of their own struggles in life.
Maybe they never had the time to find themselves.
Before you unexpectedly arrived.
Some have an upper hand in life.
But never use that as an excuse to be sucked in.
To become angry. Or useless.
Fight. Forever. Until you run out of breath.
Then, Keep pushing. Never stop.
You learn as you grow.
You cant learn if you stop.
So keep on walking.
I left high school in the ninth grade.
I tried to go back. But by then it was too late.
I had already experienced too much of life.
School for me was like, watching barney when your an adult.
I felt so different. And always thought it was my fault.
Little did I know it had absolutely nothing to do with who I was inside.
Until I left. Until I could get my mind right.
I've always done better when I'm alone.
I prefer to be alone.
Like Leonardo De Vinci.
For my own sanity, I need to find every answer.
I feel compelled.
I can't let it go until I figure it all out.
So this doesn't happen to my own daughter.
Moral of the story,
Is if you are still in high school.
Or have a child and you are reading this.
Stop what you're doing. And hear these words.
Our children are our future.
My dad always said..
"If you are going to do something, Then do it right".
I'm finding that applies to everything in life.
Take your time to do it right.
Stop picking on kids.
You have no idea what they secretly might be going through.
It only reflects back onto you.
You know what's right from wrong.
That has nothing to do with you dad or mom.
It's that sick feeling you get from being mean.
From not being yourself.
For trying to keep up with the rest of them.
To be a part of the scene.
But what's going on behind the scenes.
Creates the whole production.
It's whats most important.
So be who you truly are.
Listen to your values. Listen to your morals.
Lead. Never choose to follow.

The Color Of Black - 4/21/12

I once was asked in elementary school to write down what the color black meant to me.
I'm going to try this again. Now 24. And see what I see. Black.
People. Frozen souls. Selfishness.
Kony took almost two decades to be noticed.
You look like fools. For caring now that It's almost like a new trend.
Like when your a kid. You want to be with whats in.
The pitch in the black of the night. A red eye flight.
Life is like hot sauce. Surprising you with an after bite.
Lightening striking at night. Stars that shimmer so bright.
A blazing fire ball burning. Creating light.
Monsters that you think don't really exist.
Like something your scared of when your a kid.
The monsters today are very real.
Nothing gets blacker then that.
A wave of panic. That's what I feel.
Running from loose cannons. Giving you little time to react.
They don't even have to disguise what they are hiding inside.
A normal looking man. Or even in suits and ties.
The lies are slipping right through their teeth.
They wait for you to fall asleep.
Like a coyote, stalking sheep.
Black is the loss of loved ones.
Demons you run from. Regret.
Mistakes of times you wish to recreate.
Hate. Neglect. The end of the road. A shotgun.
And the tiny little pebbles that disperse when the shell explodes.
Pollution shortening life's earth span.
The end of time. The end of humans. Then new life begins.
The atmosphere of movie theaters.
Fear. And whatever it is that fear means to you.
Your secret inner struggles.
Whatever God is putting  you through.
The devil and all of his little helpers.
Attaching you to inflammables. Laughing while setting you on fire.
My biggest pet peeve. Liars. And everything they bring.
Our sick society. That we all seem to admire.
The kids all over the world.
Who are trying to rest their heads with stomach's aching because they have no food.
For the women's lives who are changed forever.
Because of Kony and his helpless army.
Or from a lost battle of breast cancer.
The babies who are crying without mothers in an orphanage crib.
For all the murderers. For all the lives they've taken, that they proudly admit.
Not being able to control whats inside them.
From childhoods. Or a chemical imbalance.
Save them when they are children. While you still have a chance.
The men and women bravely serving our country.
Who spend half their lives traveling. Sacrificing.
It has to be lonely. Despite being rewarding.
The people in hospital beds all over the world.
Burn units. Birth centers. NICU's. Emergency rooms.
Trauma and cancer centers.
At the same time a life is taken.
A life has just began.
At 10:59 A.m. Took their first breath of oxygen.
Angels must walk the hallways.
Picking broken pieces of people up of the floors.
To be the one in the ER. Holding the door.
Being an extra hand. When 15 people are trying to save 1 man.
At that moment it doesn't matter who he is.
All that matters is that he lives.
Why do we wait for horrible things to happen before we choose to care.
If we dare to. Why does it take something so extreme to inspire you.
Why can a silly little quote by someone whom you never met.
Be the reminder so that you don't forget.
If being a better person is too hard.
By all means. Give up.
But that's exactly why our society has this luck.
In fact, It has nothing to do with luck.
Everything has to do with the fact that we don't care anymore.
We've given up.
Another country that is run by It's government.
I'm not so sure sometimes that I am proud to be an American.
Americans live by nothing but double standards.
Taking life for granted. Sipping pina coladas on a tropical beach.
It's all a game of who looks best.
Who has the biggest weapons to test.
Who has the most money. Population. Economic growth.
Most of all power. They want everyone to know.
To be intimated. To become puppets. Connected to strings.
When every price tag is inflated.
Manipulating those master strings.
Over in the UK. They actually have a "QUEEN".
Date back as far as you can.
The things they accomplished were only because they had each other.
Do you think you are capable. Solely alone. Of building pyramids.
Like the trust game your taught as a child.
Turn around, Fall, And trust that I wont let you touch the ground.
Grab my hand and let's set out on this adventure.
The key in survival situations is to always stay together.
Unlike the feathers of a beautiful free bird.
Black is the color of our careless world.

Our Society 4/18/12

It happens that fast.
One minute you are an average collage student.
And next your in a fight for your life.
Maybe because of something as simple as sunlight.
The warmth it creates, reaches into your core.
Leaving it, you somehow feel better than before.
It gives you this "beautiful" glow.
It's sad our society would risk their own lives because of a standard.
A standard set that is far to high.
Far from beautiful. Fake and unreal.
There is nothing about bleached blond hair or a terrific tan that is healthy.
It doesn't make you look perfect or make you look pretty.
It doesn't take away any of your self Pitty.
It doesn't make you beautiful, Kind, Or witty.
All of that comes from somewhere deep within.
If only our society could open their eyes and realize.
They have a their own hand in taking so many lives.
Invisible bloodshed.
But names that are impossible to ever forget.
Names like Glenna Kohl. Ashlyn Conner. Phoebe Prince.
What does it take to exercise common sense.
Let children be children.
At school, They act brutal.
Most likely from an absence at home of proper tools.
No dollar is ever worth a human life.
Or a child at 10 being the one to take their own life.
Doesn't that make you want to scream. Helplessly cry. Throw something.
No child should ever be the only one standing alone in their army.
Scared and helpless. Forced to fight.
Funny how something like "Facebook" has taken over the world in a sense.
But yet people are still starving.
Kids, Feeling the only way out is by committing suicide.
Child sex abuse at an all time high.
Everyday cancer is still taking lives.
People in Japan still searching for their lost family.
Missing Husbands, children and wives.
7 billion people in the world.
Nobody notices one lost little girl.
Some entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names.
You ask me how many? Nearly 1 Billion.
Women around the world spending several hours in a day.
Simply collecting water.
Exact number of children in the world. 2.2 Billion.
In poverty. 1 Billion. (Every second child)
640 Million left without adequate shelter. (1 in 3)
121 Million children out of education worldwide.
22 thousand children, Due to poverty, Die.
Well all spend time updating statuses with absolutely nothing worth while.
Compared to these world events.
We should be inspired to create as much change as we can in our Short lifetimes.
Making people entirely too rich with stupid shit.
Like bottled water and Instagram photos.
Thousands of hopefulls spending thousands hoping to win the lotto.
What is wrong with my kind. Why do I feel so different.
Why does it feel like I am the only one who thinks of these things.
Why do I not care about a fairy tale wedding with a big fat ring.
I can't help but to be who I am.
I just wish there was more people on my side.
To go to war with me to do our part in changing lives.
Instead of worrying about how much money we make.
How big our house is. keeping up with the Kardashians.
Open your heart and keep it open.
Like a sponge. Let truth be absorbed. Let it soak in.
Despite the sting. Despite it being painful.
It only makes you better.
You don't live forever.
Remember that and choose how you wish to spend your time.
Worrying and caring only for yourself and yours.
Or growing 10,000 limbs to extend.
To show people changes are possible.
If you find your strength to triumph.
Hurdle every single obstacle.
Remain strong within through the rough terraine.
Speak out. Speak Up. Be heard. Find that lost little girl.
Do something that has a purpose.
Don't spend your spare time at clubs being wasteless.
Buying into the latest trends Or what some editor at a magazine thinks is in.
Find something that expands you within to constantly re invent.
Making you a better person with every milla second. Every breath.
It is never too late. To put your own hand in trying to change your fate.
To change something within yourself.
Put yourself out to the sharks just to offer your unappreciated help.
Even while being unappreciated.
Remember that God is always watching.
Like elastic. You can only stretch it so far until it breaks.
Stretch it to that limit. Until the line is shaking.
There is so much more to ourselves that we know we are even capable of.
All the world really needs. Is a whole lot of love.

Left Behind 4/17/12

If I could go back to the day we met.
I wouldn't have spoken to you.
There would be nothing to forget.
Then again, Any day that I got to see your smile was by far,
Worth the while.
The years of the worst heart ache I have ever felt.
The lies. The questions. The fears. The laughs. Every tear.
Still after making it through the storm.
You would think I would never want to go back.
But I usually don't think always before I react.
So the possibility of that happening.
Is a good one. I don't want it to be.
I'm tired of you being what I mostly run from.
As fast as I can until I can't run anymore.
Ive completely run out of breath and collapsed to the floor.
When you have caught up with me.
Managing to find the key to the door I locked.
Moving the furniture I also used to keep it blocked.
Peeling layers of my skin off slowly but surely. Painfully.
Until there's nothing left. You've skinned me.
Exposing those painful nerves.
Naked. Cold. Disgusted. Alone. Ashamed. To blame.
That's how I feel at times.
For allowing you to do these things to me.
For all that you do that you refuse to accept.
To see. To Believe.
You have never even said your sorry.
You pretend like you don't hurt. You don't feel.
Like Nothing phases you.
But I, out of everybody, Know that is untrue.
I was always the one you called on.
When you needed another point of view.
When the weight of the world has been crushing you.
Then we were forced to part and go our separate ways.
Because after 15 years I finally told you that I loved you.
Having been hurt before you bolted for every exit. Any door.
Never to return again. Leaving me behind. To self defend.
When sometimes I feel like I sort of need you.
My whole life. You were my best friend.
There for anything and all things that have happened in my life.
The pain from your absence has severed me into pieces with a butterfly knife.
Your words hurt just the same.
Telling everyone I'm crazy. That you never felt anything for me.
That you never even knew my name.
Makes me feel shamed. Even though it should be you.
For doing what you have and for everything your putting me through.
But then when we do see each other again.
You just calmly act like we remained friends.
I'm exhausted. You make me so tired.
Like I want to give up.
Go be as far as I can away from you.
Set myself on fire. It burns just the same.
I hope my daughter never believes and trusts a boy the way I did for you.
Scratch that. She'll be smarter because of you.
I will be able to spot your kind immediately for the rest of my life.
Why wouldn't you just let me in.
I was only begging since I was 10.
Times like these my heart is too big for It's own good.
I just want save you. Protect you from the rejection you feel.
Paint you pictures like the Mona Lisa that have taken 16 years to get right.
To show you in a perfect form what is real.
Open your eyes to see what you have been missing.
I always thought I wanted to actually be with you.
But that's not why.
I just want you to love me too before I die.
To be there to wipe every tear from my eye.
To appreciate me.
To be who you used to be.
I'm still mourning. I will forever miss you.
Next time I see you and your lips start moving.
Before I hear any sound. I will take it as a fair warning.
Nothing is guaranteed.
It's possible if I choose to let you in.
I'm risking hurting for a lifetime all over again.
Though you teach me hard lessons about life.
I get stronger every time. Strangely It's worth it in the end.
I realize there are still parts of myself I need to find. Re- design.
When I'm scared. Standing alone. When you've left me behind.