Never After 5/14

Its time to get brutally truthful.
Like I haven't already?
But these are the ultimate tests.
I feel like I am finally almost ready.
To leave it all behind.
Everything I couldn't change.
What wasn't worth my time.
My love.
Energy.
Or leave who behind.
Its never fun when life gives you ultimatums.
Going fee-fi-foo-fum,
While sitting right on the pendulum.
Swinging back and forth.
In complete silence.
But the exact opposite of boredom.
Total freedom.
These random tweddle dee and tweddle dumber's,
That try to ruin every ounce of your slumber,
Are put in place as hurdles for you to gain strength to overcome.
When looking back,
I cant help but to over react.
So many memories.
That kill me.
Because of the things I lacked.
I didn't have the capability.
I wasn't even being me.
So kind of other personality.
To distract me.
From the lack of happiness.
The lack of self love.
Life has always fit too tightly.
A glove that is too small.
Burning my fingertips.
The longer I use it.
I was meant to walk these roads again.
I don't know how many times,
But I feel like I have been here before.
Once.
Twice.
Every 100 years.
All I know is that this gift was destiny.
This journey has been about nobody but myself.
Trying to find myself.
Through failures.
The missing cheerleader.
The wanna be criminal defense lawyer.
The one who can seem to only accomplish one thing.
Talking.
In your ear.
Talking you to sleep.
Having nothing left but words.
I have so much to fear.
I feel so lonely in this rocking chair.
Sam smith, Stay with me,
In my own ear.
At 11:02 p.m.
Unable to sleep.
Fearing sleep.
The dark brings out monsters that want to feed.
On all of my memories.
I guess when you forcefully train your brain,
To look the other way,
You likely wouldn't have so many words to say.
Spooning in your master suit,
After putting your children to bed.
You smile as you lay down to rest your head.
There is no time to count sheep.
Within minutes,
You're fast asleep.
I envy that ability.
At least once a day,
I spend time reading astrology.
Hoping for some unknown clue.
Looking to Christianity,
And religion in general, for answers.
On a quest for harmony.
But hypocritically filled with animosity.
Putting my extreme feelings in poetry.
Maybe a way to make them interesting.
Selfishly,
I thought I was important for some reason.
Taking my anger and rage out on the world,
And majority who occupy it.
Seeing every idea or opinion besides my own as unfit.
A desire to control.
With no ability to stop it.
Filled with anxiety that just wont quit.
Just as these thoughts wont either.
My body feels like its aching.
Also internally.
I'm silently suffering.
Because I'm being ungrateful and choosy.
Picking apart the ugly in this world.
In every guy and girl.
And then trying to gorilla glue it back together.
In this case,
How could it ever last forever.
Shattering mirror's on purpose.
Because the reflection looks useless.
Gaining confidence.
But only for short moments.
Its only a matter of time before the cracks start showing.
Showing the light.
There's a fire lit within me,
For unknown reasons.
I wish, just like you,
That I would just give up.
And stop fighting.
Fighting life.
The natural course it has always run.
Brainwashing us to believe in freedom.
Freedom of choice.
When there is no choice.
Stay in line and vote,
Or set sail on the pacific with one ore in an inflatable boat.
If you fight the natural tides,
There is a good chance you're going to die.
I don't want to die.
But I don't want to live in this place,
Our government and society has created.
I know I have my own problems.
And its left me feeling jaded.
Everything is so complicated.
When it could be simple.
But I ask myself,
What is the purpose of life,
If you live secretly complacent and miserable.
The learning curve is immense.
You're coming back whether you like it or not.
Because we are not learning.
People call me crazy.
So that must mean the rest of them are also full of insanity.
Repeating a behavior,
With no different outcome.
Just going to work.
And preaching about your freedom.
That you've done nothing to achieve them.
Ignorantly maybe a few friends and relatives.
You were just lucky enough,
Your mother lived where she did when you were born.
A cap and gown,
Helmet and gun,
Or miss America crown,
Does not give someone the right to look down.
America the land of the brave huh.
The land of the free.
Is #Bringbackourgirls still "trending"?
This is my again,
Taking out on others my anxiety.
Because it is caused by society.
This is me wondering why everyone spends this short time on earth,
Sleeping.
My broken emotions have much to do with myself.
Nobody else.
But what eats me alive,
Ill never be able to change.
So here I sit.
Time after time.
Complaining.
Making sure it rhymes.
So I can call it a poem.
When in reality,
Its my own way of running away.
Of talking a lot and running in circles.
Screaming until my face is purple.
Convinced I'm not an equal.
Since I was a child.
My difference's destroy my own common sense.
Nothing makes sense.
And it never has.
I remember looking at photo albums of my dads.
When he was my age.
Traveling.
Living.
Loving.
Experiencing.
Without me.
Capturing these moments.
And now they are frozen.
Forever.
In plastic.
Isn't it clever.
How life tends to work.
He isn't even my biological dad.
But you would think he was there at my birth.
Still there to this day.
I wasn't even is daughter.
And he treated me like he was my father.
People are meant to stumble in.
Regardless of the length of time.
Each one is on a job.
Given directions from God.
To find your broken fragile soul.
The day you lost your son,
You were being held by one of them.
The person who shot your son,
Will never forget him.
Losing his freedom for it.
He will forever sit and think about it.
Wondering how and why he got to where he did on his own path.
Wondering how that gun ever even got into his hands.
One life changes,
Because of another man or women.
I'm finally realizing...
That was is,
Is meant to be.
We are woven into these webs deliberately.
To entrap us.
To make us struggle.
And fight for our lives.
Because unless there is occasionally pain,
You're not even fully alive.
The after life,
Is the only time you should be truly satisfied.
Or contently happy.
We are here to learn.
To exist in disaster.
Not to live,
Happily ever after.

Illusions 1/14

My lips are still.
My heart is beating.
Racing actually.
While these thoughts force me to grow spiritually.
Ripping my body apart.
My mind apart.
Painfully.
Somehow I've found a way to appreciate it.
The longest trail of gasoline has been lit.
I cant go back.
Whether I wanted to or not.
All of these lessons,
Can never be forgot.
There was a noose around my neck that had been pulled taught.
But before I dropped,
I said a final prayer.
And before I knew it,
My hair was flying straight up in the air.
I was falling.
Not knowing what was going to come next.
Would I survive,
Or die from a broken neck.
Strangulation.
In every sense.
Knowing my fate,
But being complacent.
So in mid air,
I chose to change it.
My hands had the strength of a thousand men.
I chose to fight.
Those of whom condemned.
Those who took fate into their own hands.
Not realizing, Or caring,
That this wasn't God's plan.
Now you've just made him mad.
I grip the tight rope around my throat,
And fight with all the strength I have inside.
I make a choice to refuse to die.
Not cry.
To get even.
With evil.
With negativity.
To fight dark, deathly energy.
I search for the sun in the black on the night.
I search for others hands that are blind.
I scream.
I run past fences.
Gates that were strategically placed.
Part of the reason you stayed complacent.
The only direction my hair is flying now is straight back.
I'm running.
As fast as I can away from wrongful fate.
The evil in this world doesn't want you to be heard.
They steal little girls.
And boys too.
Its ruthless.
You have to find light before its too late.
Before you're forever bound by gates.
And others ideas of fate.
You deserve to be happy.
To be carefree.
To love endlessly.
Even with no reward.
If you open your eyes wide enough,
You will see that the reward is beneficial to you.
Makes it worth it.
Everything you go through.
Most importantly,
Love yourself endlessly.
Patiently.
Forgivingly.
The road is long and narrow.
But the destination is astonishingly beautiful.
A field of unicorns and rainbows.
Butterflies in the thousands.
Swarming.
Love is airborne.
Let it take flight.
Sit back and watch how it changes your life.
Base every decision around it.
Don't think of your age as numeric.
Its only a number.
Live as if you'll live forever.
All things hateful,
Need to be severed.
Whenever.
However.
Whoever.
This place I have arrived in,
Wearing nothing but my moccasins.
The only music I hear is violins.
Its breathtakingly beautiful.
I've discovered what's within me.
I've discovered the point of being human.
It all came about because of disagreement.
I started fleeing.
From the only world I knew.
Nothing could have been foreseen.
I took a chance on my dreams.
It occasionally brought me to my knees.
But because of this I found,
Belief.
That's when these roads fork and you pick a path.
You just might run into psycho paths.
But not the kind that take your life.
That kind that change your life.
Change you.
Because you see,
Its not at all about what we go through.
Its what we see while we flew.
The lessons that literally attached themselves to you.
The hard lesson were your super glue.
And each time its torn apart,
It becomes more painful.
Because what you're not seeing,
Is the manifestation of evil.
It grows like an infectious disease.
Eating your flesh.
Eventually leaving you lifeless.
Essentially helpless.
Worthless.
Base your choices off of love,
Even when you're hurt,
And you too will see these magnificent unicorns.
These amazing colorful skies.
You'll drop tears for the beauty and ask yourself,
What, When, Who, Why, and how anything could have been so brutal.
Even if for the illusion,
Pick up your bible.
It doesn't have to be about God.
Just be spiritual.
And allow invisible faith to heal you.
Its an illusion that saved my life too.

Carnivores 1/14

Where to start.
The holes that have been shot through my heart,
Are slowly healing.
At this moment,
I don't feel like its all being torn apart.
Being alone brings so much out of the unknown.
At times its overwhelmingly painful.
The knowledge you are gaining is at a rapid pace.
Your personality is loud and in every ones face.
You want everyone to walk down this road.
Of the unknown.
The unfamiliar.
To come together.
Like you're telling stories around a campfire.
You want to live to inspire.
Because there was a point in your own life,
Where all you wanted was to expire.
To crawl,
Dig,
Peel back every one of your finger nails,
And toe nails,
To escape your way out of such a dark place,
Brings strength from within you,
You had no clue previously existed.
You realize at moments what you are capable of achieving.
People will tell you not to.
They will tell you to just be you.
Then because of it,
They beat the shit out of you.
But there are problems for some,
When they too,
Don't know themselves.
In a sense,
At times just helpless.
Hopeless.
Bent.
But filled with devotion.
Faith and positivity.
You fight everyday just for a smile.
You'd give it all,
For a healthy release of all the negativity.
And that's what we do.
We fight to remain true.
To remain pure.
We fight to beat the fear.
The mines while you're waiting in your governments lines.
We fight the propaganda.
And the agendas.
Every step you take is depicted.
Disputed.
Distrupted.
Violently ill from the corruption.
People will tell you,
That the less fucks you give,
The less you have to deal with.
But that's bullshit.
What is the point of living then.
Because if you feel that way,
You're already dead within.
My whole life,
I always felt like I cared too much.
The people of this world,
Instilled that thought.
At first I fought it,
And I still do.
I try to escape it like I've been super glued.
At times,
The judgments from others become to painful.
Why cant I just be me,
If that is your valuable advice.
Even if I am crazy.
Or gay.
Why cant I speak these words,
If I live in the land of the free.
Because I would be criticized immensely.
To the point of insanity.
You might as well stone me to death.
Despite my intelligence.
I'm treated like a nuisance.
Because I am full of passion for people.
Love for my planet.
And anger for the people contributing,
To destroy it.
I have goals like many others,
But if I'm not going to college,
A rapper,
Or a professor.
My words,
Thoughts,
And feelings are completely smothered.
Disregarded.
When I voice what I too,
Have accomplished.
When you work hard you should be rewarded.
Not condemned.
Imagine having to hold it all in.
No wonder you live a life of sin.
As I do.
Because this society is blind.
Walking around with black eyes.
When I discover truth,
I love to share it with you.
And why?
Because I'm no longer blinded.
The colors I see now,
Are more than you would ever find in the sky.
I will never apologize for my energy.
And If you don't like it,
Then just stay away from me.
Don't breathe down my throat.
You don't have a say,
A vote,
In my life.
I walk these roads alone.
Because you chose abandonment.
That's not my fault.
I didn't choose my DNA.
So get off of me.
Let me adjust.
To this life of greed and lust.
Excuse me if I snap when I realize I cant.
To you,
I understand its not common sense.
Because its no longer common.
We've been estranged and dived.
Into these individuals.
For a reason.
Blame your government's.
For teaching such stupidity and arrogance.
Excuse me for trying to be independent.
Independent and individually separate.
From that world of carnivores.
Ripping out your soul.
Daily abusing you.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Physically.
All because they lack your capabilities.
What comes next?
Jealousy.
Envy.
They find you annoying.
Simply because you are different from them.
Instead of seeing and appreciating,
You much you could learn from people with different point of views.
Instead you sit back disgusted.
Assume.
Gossip.
Hate.
And misconstrue.
Everything I say is somehow directly related to you.
"If the shoe fits, Wear it",
Is exactly where Ill leave that.
If having my opinions,
Means disruption,
Then fuck it.
I'm not living my life to please anyone.
And I don't owe explanation's.
I gave them thinking you may have actually wanted them.
But with selfishness,
Comes aimlessness.
No care.
Not for you,
Nor themselves.
That's why they watch from afar.
Judging on the fence.
Never in the game.
Playing from the sidelines.
And then they have the nerve to give you their unwanted advice.
Whispering softly,
To just give up.
Constantly.
I have to fight just to remain full of sanity.
Centered.
Balancing my own scales,
While you pile these words.
And then wonder why I have all these words to speak.
Like I shouldn't be able to voice what has been done to me.
Like I should pretend all these things that truly matter,
Don't.
For you.
To fit in.
To wear the $100 dollar tennis shoe.
To be just like you.
Because only then will you be happy.
Well guess what,
Fuck off.
Because that will never happen.
I was created this way for a reason.
And how dare you make me feel inhuman.
Like an alien with your alienation.
Leaves me pissed off and frustrated.
So instead,
I chose to see these colors.
And continue to paint my own pictures.
Despite critics.
Despite frustration.
Alienation.
The sadness that comes because of it.
And like Mario,
Ill jump in them.
Ready for my next adventure.
While you continue grazing your routine pastures.
Like cattle.
Destined for the slaughter house.
When you realize the differences between us,
Are what you should have appreciated,
I will no longer be answering.
Because I've already beaten it.
Like it was an incurable flesh eating cancer.
I will no longer live in the line of danger.
I will no longer be the target in your firing range.
I might be strange,
But people like you never create change.
Stop hurting others and fix yourself.
That's all I'm trying to personally do.
The blame is no one else's.
I continually tell you to leave me alone,
Because I can feel your negative thoughts.
When you speak them,
Is when I'm shot.
Shut up and let me heal.
Let me exist as a wildflower.
In this land of make believe and fantasy.
Its better than being a piece of meat in yours.
You fucking carnivores.

Double Standards 5/14

I've often wondered what makes a person fight,
With their heart and with their mind,
Of what they know is wrong and right.
Why is there even a fight.
Making exceptions for the wrong.
Excuses.
Running from anything loving or truthful.
Choosing to exist on hell on earth.
Not for one second thinking of the day when they are laid to rest.
Never questioning where they are going.
Not a day in their life do they try their best.
Like a spider weaving a web.
Trapping lives in this sticky mess.
For the sole purpose of consumption.
Their own wants are in their mind.
It's what's most important.
Extremely sick and in need of help.
But instead is left alone.
Told to grow up.
And be a man.
Such awful behavior doesn't happen for no reason.
There are trapped little boys and girls.
In bodies of grown adults.
Who were lost.
Forgotten.
And never given help.
No reason on planet earth makes ok to hurt another.
What if that was your own brother.
Or father.
Or sister.
Niece, Nephew.
Or mother.
The population of this world,
Should practice compassion.
Its not a gift we are born with.
And some children are never taught this.
Never taught to feel for another.
So in their twenties,
They take their rage out rapping,
Smothering,
Or desperately gathering money.
Hate filled souls.
With so much its overflowing.
Spilling into our streets.
Our homes.
And neighborhoods.
Terrifying men in black hoods.
Or looking like your average man.
We don't ever speak of the fear.
We just quietly keep our children near.
I don't understand what makes people so complacent.
Its never been clear.
When even one person,
Is capable of creating so much change.
Like Martin Luther King Jr.,
Where are our dreams?
Why aren't we working together as a team.
To fight evil.
Instead of letting it run rapid.
Snatching our children.
In broad daylight.
Amber didn't have a chance.
She couldn't be saved.
Not even by her own dad.
Left with nothing but a new or reformed law.
And the anger that's making you clench your jaw.
People who choose evil,
Will leave you questioning your faith at times.
Nothing but a sea of whys.
The biggest being,
Why me.
Why mine.
That's where we are wrong.
As a society,
Any child should be felt as your own.
Women and men who are even grown.
They were loved.
They belonged to a family.
We as a society,
Make a lot of excuses because of money.
In these moments,
My own anger is building.
I began hopeful.
Of feeling uplifted.
But lets face it.
Evil is hurtful and hateful.
Traveling along this gravel road.
This is where I began to wonder how to create prevention.
If every soul is loved,
And should be,
Then it is our duty to change evil,
With love.
Maybe it wouldn't be like finding waldo.
Trying to spot the clearly broken souls.
Scared from fear.
We take off in the opposite direction.
Trying to save our own lives.
Trying to simply protect our families.
But what we cant see,
Is that the awful,
Are needy.
Something or someone destroyed a child at a point in time.
And now they will be forever stuck back in time.
Sometimes there are no choices.
And you cant save every life.
So this leaves me feeling like an everyday juror of a crime.
And if one cannot truly be saved,
Why is this a question of time.
Forever in my eyes.
Locked behind doors.
Getting help.
Why don't we fight for lives.
Making exceptions only when it gets enough nation,
Or worldwide attention.
Until it almost becomes like a selfish competition.
Its leading me to crazy thoughts about our government.
My mind is racing so fast.
Like one of the men who wrote the bible.
I feel like what I'm being told,
Should be shared with the world.
Maybe its just one loving heart.
From one simple girl.
Who's living constantly paranoid.
Far from a sheep.
Very aware.
I'm our governments worse nightmare.
They don't want you to know the truth.
And sadly,
People who vote are in the firing line.
Being the first ones to be controlled.
To be brain washed.
Everything in this world will come down to cost.
Spin it.
Flip it.
Turn it.
Look at it upside if you must.
I wish I could scream....
They don't care about us.
Look into what they are feeding us.
Our children don't even wear seat belts on a bus.
The lies buried deep in these rabbit holes,
Will make you feel like Alice.
Lost in a world of madness.
Where Lucifer is not just a cat.
The strange people wearing hats,
Are now hooded sweatshirts that are black.
Alice is not in for the ride of her life.
She's fighting for it.
And if she succeeds,
She is left with one person changing her destiny.
Her individuality.
Her personality.
Her spirituality.
Fighting to not let it take what's remaining,
Including her set of beliefs.
The only possible relief,
Is time.
We live in an impatient world.
This is where one would wish to die.
Or even possibly think of suicide.
Feeling too weak to put up the fight that is greatly needed.
Life brought you to your knees.
With two choices.
Pray or be executed.
Nobody should ever have to die alone.
In this fucked up world.
There are millions of child pornography images,
Being distributed.
With not enough people to stop it.
It all comes back to compassion.
Who is even looking at these images.
And why do they want to.
I hope there is a man or women,
Reading this.
Asking themselves these questions.
I hope the next time a person decides to destroy a human life,
That they remember this life is not the end.
You will never get away with it.
Forever condemned in the hell you are living in.
On earth, as it is in heaven.
The only way for prevention,
Is world wide compassion.
Attention.
And dissections.
Ask questions.
A lot of them.
Every single day.
Because we too,
Are not safe from the condemned.
Angels have fallen.
Whether you believe in faith or not is irrelevant.
One thing we all have in common,
Is love and a need to protect our children.
Why it stops there,
I will never understand.
Throwing out every double standard,
Will leave you with answers.

Open Your Eyes

I'm walking.
But I keep hearing this faint ticking.
clicking.
Clocking.
Its distracted me.
So I turn my attention towards this noise.
Its calling my name.
Asking for me to follow it.
So I surrender.
And I do.
Its whispering,
I have something to show you.
Unraveling my entire life.
All these memories.
From childhood and everything in between.
Lying everywhere,
There seem to be skeleton keys.
I begin reluctantly walking towards doors.
Frightened.
But also excited.
Having no clue what is about to slam into my eyes.
My heart.
My mind.
Having no idea how it will make me feel.
I slowly open the first door while its loudly creaking.
I see a little girl with dirty blond hair.
Rays of sunlight.
Smoke.
And she's just sitting there.
Alone on the floor.
Playing with toys.
Like Barbie's.
I can hear barney.
The purple dinosaur.
I start to cry as she turns to me.
She's precious.
Vulnerable and beautiful.
She's extremely needy.
Having only come up to my knees.
At this stage,
She needs me.
Unable to properly care for herself.
Something is behind me.
Pushing me.
Into this door frame.
Towards her unruly,
Unkempt dirty blond mane.
Towards these eyes that have been staring back at me,
My entire life.
I suck it up and stop crying.
My only wish is to hold her.
Console her.
Never leaving her alone again.
Be there and be her best friend.
Her confidant.
Her mother.
Anything she needed.
I want to give her wings.
Wing to take off and fly.
Away from this floor.
And out of this door.
I want to show her what is waiting for her.
She doesn't have to be such a scared little girl.
Its not such a scary world.
Its ok to put it aside to finish school.
I want to show her the day she has her own baby girl.
With dirty blond hair.
Someone does care.
And I'm right here.
So here I stand.
I call out her name.
Lia Mae Johnson.
And ask her to give me her hand.
We begin to walk these hallways together.
Hand in hand.
Picking up keys off the floor.
And bravely begin to enter these doors.
There's nothing this little girl hasn't seen in her fragile age.
Sadly.
In fact, I hand her the key.
She unlocks it while looking at me.
I assure her its going to be alright.
As she begins to cry.
Scared like me.
To see what's inside.
Occasionally its too much.
You just have to pray,
While covering your innocent eyes.
At other times,
Joyfully screaming from excitement.
At a moment in life,
Where you were your happiest.
Its not always bliss in life.
At times it can bring you to your lowest.
Crawl if you have to.
Never stop moving.
She turns back to me,
Grabbing my knee.
Just as I did to my own mother.
We can hear her laughing!
We smile and look at each other,
And take off running.
Towards this contagious noise.
Towards her hazel eyes.
The minute we reach her she embraces us.
Affirming that its in fact,
Going to be alright.
Now its us three.
Walking these hallways,
Picking up keys.
Vickie was probably the most frightened.
She's literally shaking.
Her hands are trembling.
Asking if we really have to open these doors.
We shake our heads yes.
Confirming its a must.
We hear a "Click",
As she turns to us.
With tears in her very own eyes.
Just like ours.
We see grandma Peggy behind this door.
And her hundreds of bingo doters.
Her brown curly hair,
And her own hazel eyes.
My mother lets go for only a second.
She collapses.
Feeling overwhelmingly relieved.
Knowing her own mother never left her.
She's still right by her side.
On the other side.
Of these invisible doors and walls.
She's embracing her own baby girl.
In spirituality,
There are no phone calls.
Grandma Peggy assures us its ok to leave.
That she's not going anywhere.
We can come back another day.
Whenever we wish to.
But that we should begin again.
So we put back on our shoes.
Holding my mothers hand,
With this child on her hip.
Its as if age hasn't taken its toll.
Its as if we don't have a number.
We are so happy in this moment.
That we almost missed our next door.
We almost tripped and stumbled.
So we stop.
Once again.
And take a deep breath before unlocking it.
What we say next we could have never been prepared for.
Every soul we've ever loved was behind this door.
Frozen.
Standing there on the floor.
We split up and go walking the room.
Looking into hundreds of sets of frozen eyes.
Peering through time.
In this moment,
Time is stopped.
Without the movement,
They are extremely beautiful.
Just as they are.
Like statues or stars.
We smile while leaving this door.
Wondering why we were meant to walk these floors.
We stop and begin to ponder.
And wonder why.
We begin to take up a lot of time.
The whys become overwhelming.
Suddenly hearing the chooing of a train.
We are now in a race for our lives.
Because we simply asked why.
Our hands are ripped apart no matter how hard we try.
No matter how hard we fight.
Next time I will take an extra second to embrace you,
Embracing us.
I'm sorry that its so late.
But I want you to know,
That when I opened that first door,
I saw you.
You were in the room.
You were not sitting in the sunlight.
You were standing in the dark behind the curtains.
With your hands tied behind your back.
You were under attack.
And only trying to save your precious baby girl.
It was only until I arrived,
That you had the strength to fight and try.
Forgiveness is the difference.
Between death and or life.
The minute I was able to forgive,
I was given a gift.
A set of keys.
And with your own forgiveness,
You were therefore able to meet up with me to walk these dark floors.
To walk with both of us.
This broken little girl and I.
The one we have both fought for to survive.
The love and answers were here this entire time.
We just had to be brave enough to first open our eyes.
Now I desperately need in these doors.
Even if I have to take them off the hinges.

 

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry 5/14

Here I am again.
Knocking at your door.
Not even sure if I want you to answer.
Unsure of what to say.
There's so much.
I don't know how I'll ever get it all out.
On sunny days,
When there are no clouds,
I remember the good times.
The times when you constantly made me laugh.
Smile.
The times when I was blinded by your light.
Or vise versa.
I'm finding it hard to think in this moment of when it hurt.
All I can feel is love.
No matter how much I shouldn't.
Its out of my control.
The attraction is too intense.
Gravity is pulling.
Pushing.
Shoving.
Tugging.
Tearing me into pieces.
Things seem to blur because of you.
I'm out of it.
I cant even find me.
I'm lost in lust.
Lost in the chase.
You're the cat.
I've always been the mouse.
We begin at different times.
To meet again.
Never meeting in the end.
Trapped in these mazes.
Life strategically placed,
These clever distractions.
Anticipating our reactions.
Tearing us down only to build us up.
Hine sight,
It was always about love.
Regardless of the end result.
It was never about a relationship.
Lover or friends.
We were never suppose to meet in the end.
Because if its not the end,
Then its not over.
This pain was a cover.
To teach us to appreciate the journey.
The lessons handed down.
Like it was food for your soul.
In the moment,
Blazing in my ear,
I wanna be, by Chris Brown.
As hard as you tried,
You couldn't find a frown.
This is for once,
A happy cry.
Because after the rain stopped,
And the clouds left,
When everything dried out,
So did my eyes.
My heart was wrung out like a soaking wet sponge.
Renewed again,
I can begin again.
My journey is once again,
Moving.
I was terrified to begin this moment without you.
But now I know I'm going to do alright.
Because of you.
I'm sorry that we were both hurt.
I'm sorry that we both were burned.
I'm sorry that Its never been our turn.
And it may never be.
It may have never been meant to be.
There was compatibility.
The problem was captivity.
Possession.
Too much curiosity and dependencies.
An imaginary reality.
Intensity.
Ingenuity.
Diversity and too many discrepancies.
The inferiority was too much.
At some point it was best to walk away.
Leaving it all right there.
Like a room you wouldn't dare to clean after a loved ones passing.
Or disappearance.
You want everything to stay right where it was.
Never touched.
You want every memory to never be lost of unkempt.
To this day, I still have that locket.
Saving it all for another day.
A day when you feel strong enough to open that forbidden door.
The bitter sweet flood.
Of every emotion that can be felt on planet earth.
At one point in sadness,
I even wished for a heart transplant.
How sad is that.
When life throws you tests such as these,
Do your best to look at it positively.
Or like photography.
Developing from the negative.
Let all that pent up energy,
Free.
Although this fantasy has been filled with mostly Ecstasy,
All good things must come to an end.
Never in my life did I think this would be one of them.
This insane friendship.
I'm still smiling.
Thinking of setting sail.
Off on another journey.
Sadly leaving this one right where it is.
Right on the shoreline.
I cant take you with me.
Not this time.
Not ever again.
This could very well be the end.
But funny how the world works in mysterious ways.
Because every time I'm sailing,
Like Pocahontas,
I can feel you in the wind.
Knowing it wont be too long,
Before I begin to think of you listening to some sad song.
Next time,
I will remember to smile.
And think of these final words.
You were a part of what created me.
I'm finally accepting that no matter how bad I don't want you to,
You will follow me for eternity.
Because you are stitched inside me like patch work.
Creating the most beautiful quilt.
That will forever keep me warm.
Maybe after all,
It was meant to burn.

Golden Gates Brought By Fate 4/14

Its pounding deep in my chest.
When the thoughts of you arrive,
It takes everything in me to fight the depression.
The sadness.
Trying not to cry.
Weep is more like it.
I cant take it.
I want to break these chains and flee.
You wont let go of me.
And I don't know why.
Its driving me crazy.
Literally.
Losing my sight.
Becoming blind.
To all the things I should be thankful for.
But instead I'm frozen.
Staring at this closed door.
With nothing but a mind full of questions.
The unbearable pain can barely be mentioned.
Even in writing.
I need to get it out.
I need to face it.
To turn around and face you.
I need to let go of trying to understand what you put me through.
But its like the entire experience stunted my fragile growth.
Its like I'm still stuck at 4 foot 2.
Starring at you.
Starring back at me.
In everything I see.
You're everywhere.
Even haunting my dreams.
I close my eyes and your face is smothering me.
Street signs.
The music in my ear.
Billboards.
And holidays.
I'm stuck.
And I don't even have anything to say.
I just want to run.
In the opposite direction.
To comfort.
Warmth.
Love.
And affection.
Everything you could never give me.
Pain is not love.
I found this out the hard way.
The wrong way
The long way.
It took me over a decade to finally arrive at this day.
Where I found my worth.
The day that I learned to love myself first.
The first day that it didn't hurt.
How can it hurt when you've already got third degree burns.
At some point from shock you just become numb.
Incoherent.
Not even there.
Physically, yes.
But emotionally a yo-yo.
Constant motion.
The worst roller coaster.
I'm so sick.
I want off.
These days are so much different.
I've found the strength to change the forceful currents.
Anger is never a good thing.
But for a while its what's been my anchor.
Holding me in this place.
This place of strength and confidence.
No I understand.
I never needed you.
Its as simple as common sense.
You were never good for me.
Ultimately like a drug.
That I was completely addicted to.
You were like my heroin and I couldn't get enough of you.
Clark Kent in a 5 foot 7 stature.
There was nothing to stop it.
At 4 foot 2,
I was captured.
Catapulted to this fantasy world.
A place not intended for little girls and boys.
Innocent love is frightening.
Reckless.
The memories will always be your best.
The happiest.
Because we were too innocent and naive to not believe in fairy tales.
Rainbows,
Leprechauns,
And unicorns.
Care bares,
And ninja turtles you we adored.
Love doesn't belong in this sentence.
That's where God changed my fate.
That's where he ripped my heart open.
On purpose.
Because he knew without the love I had for you,
I would have never been this.
Exactly what I am.
A girl who walked out of the gates of hell.
Despite the massive fall.
He built me like the stair case to heaven.
Like steal.
So strong.
Unbreakable.
He made sure by guiding me on this journey of love.
Because the only man I will ever need,
Is the man who lives up above.
In the only magical land that truly exists.
Without you,
I would have never arrived at these golden gates.
And when you finally see me for who I am,
Its going to be too late.
And then it will be your turn.
With your very own lessons to take.

Strange Clouds 5/14

The world is black.
It's dark and dangerous through your eyes.
You feel somehow broken and don't understand why.
You desperately search for something as if its been lost.
So you smoke out of a pipe leaving the glass frosted.
With white residue.
Or black.
You take that black and shoot it straight into your arm.
Your feet.
Your thighs.
Any vein you can possibly find.
Flooded with euphoria.
At last.
Right.
You cant handle the thought of those terrible feelings coming back.
You're too busy running at full speed.
Full blast.
Racing.
Chasing.
Tailing.
Falling.
Flying.
Moving.
Heavy breathing.
Or shallow.
None of it matters.
Because all you're thinking about is this moment right here.
Right now.
Not the one when your in search of product to mask the doubts.
Instead, in this moment of being extremely high,
Not a thought could take over.
Not even the thought you might not come back.
You could actually die.
Every single time you take this substance,
While excited.
Smiling.
From this point on,
The only numbers your fingers dial are your dealers.
Addicted to the game.
Of running away.
You create a new life to avoid the one you already had.
The one you were born into.
Little do you know,
That's the life that was written for you.
Intended for you.
With that pipe in one hand,
And a pen in the other,
Your risking the chance of never being found.
You're sitting at the edge of this concrete wall.
Alone on the cold ground.
There is no option.
No getting around it.
Not strong enough to climb it.
The only option is to turn around.
But you say forget it.
I'm comfortable enough in this equally miserable moment.
I'm not worth it.
Nobody loves me.
Suddenly, Sitting with your legs crossed Indian style,
You begin to fall hard.
In the middle of a pity party.
For yourself.
That seems to never end.
Even after you surrender and put down the pen.
Even when you decide to stand up and put down the pipe,
You're still left feeling lost.
As if you're going to die.
You feel hopeless.
And you cant stop crying.
There comes a point where you have realized exactly what you've done.
And what cant be taken back.
Again,
You feel like racing back to the black.
The white.
The grey.
Anything besides colorful.
Beautiful like the rainbow.
You're not ready for that world.
Not functioning normally.
Because of the toll the drugs have taken.
Physically and emotionally.
Now more broken than you've ever been.
Wondering where your brain is!
Where is your common sense!
How did I let this happen!
Calm down baby girl.
As painful as a revelation this may be,
For you and for me,
The devil has been walking you like a dog on a leash.
Just like me.
You've been submissive to a higher power.
One that is pitch black.
You've struggled so hard to find that light.
Until you discovered you've always had one like me by your side.
When you finally start to realize,
You were loved this entire time,
and still are.....
Appearing in this darkness,
There are millions of flickering stars.
Barely flashing.
Just enough for you to pay attention.
Becoming curious about this light,
You're intrigued and want to follow it.
But here you are,
Still chained like a dog.
Take off running towards that light.
Break it.
Be free.
Forever flee.
Start screaming.
Fighting.
Rising.
You don't belong on your knees.
Get up and run free.
You deserve more.
And its literally waiting for you.
If you can just make it to these stars.
I promise you its not that far.
That they are in your reach.
Please don't get me wrong.
I'm no one to preach.
I only chose different broken roads to blindly follow.
Creating my own space inside that is hollow.
Dumping these words in it.
To avoid a syringe.
I'm still not sure if its meant for me.
Or for you.
All I know,
Is that in my own pitch black,
I was more than happy to find you.
I don't know who you are.
Any of you.
But I love you.
All of you.
You should know that we are all in search for skies that are blue.
Filled with rainbows and butterflies.
Fairy tales and endless love.
The happiness exists out there.
If you can bravely walk away from the drugs.