Is something that is close to impossible to ever define.
Its all over the place.
Never stays the same.
Because I never do.
Changing like tides.
Coming and going.
Raging water or drifting slowly.
There's no rhyme, rhythm, or reasons,
To my actions, choices, or thoughts.
Changing like the seasons.
But just as beautiful.
And if you cant find a way to appreciate it,
Then you're a blind fool.
Each piece of me falling like beautiful vibrant leaves.
Sprouting like plants and trees.
Growing.
At a fast speed.
I get scared at times that you can't keep up with me.
Because I never stop moving.
Living in an ill reality.
You can safely call it a delusion.
A barrier.
Created for protection.
I'm timid of being hurt.
So I only offer out negativity and rejection.
It took me a long time to love my reflection.
These doubts and questions cause affliction.
In my mind, body, heart, and soul.
I lose so much faith that at times I feel invisible.
How can you acknowledge something that refuses to be present.
Who lives in another dimension.
Entirely different that yours.
But yet we are trying to co exit.
Fight these forceful currents.
Exhaustion can change your mind.
There comes a point where you almost feel like you're going to die.
You question the happiness wondering how long before he makes you cry.
A million percent of your effort is given.
Every ounce.
Seems like all you do is try.
Wondering if its true.
If its real.
If it was,
I shouldn't have to fight so hard right?
That's when the intense pain kicks in.
Because that's when I have to painfully realize.
Its not these men, these boys, these guys.
I close my eyes and I see me.
The problem is me.
So then I race against time and go back through history.
Desperately looking.
Searching.
For erasers.
For white out.
Anything to mask this doubt.
The doubt that I may never be able to undo the tremendous damage.
I'm 26 years old.
Its amazing its been this long that I've managed.
I survived.
But am I alive?
No.
Its like I'm empty of serotonin.
I find it in all the wrong places.
And all the wrong people.
Always forgetting about me.
Forgetting about the obvious evils.
When you're conceived and born unwanted,
Maybe it starts there.
Where you were birthed with a scar.
If only it was as easy as Harry Potter.
Slowly chipping away at this massive boulder.
Eventually it becomes this incredibly beautiful sculpture.
The love I crave.
The love I needed.
But was neglected,
Has ultimately been found in my own body.
My own heart.
My own being.
My own crazy mind.
Believing truly is seeing.
Choose to see the best.
Take it from me and don't risk that consequence.
Because its a life sentence.
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