Do You Know Who You Are?

Shivering.
I'm trying to fight the fear.
To not feel it.
become consumed by this.
I'm so terrified.
I'm trying to be strong and hide it.
I don't know why.
Aren't we all allowed to occasionally cry.
Why must I be superman.
Its unreal and inhuman.
I'm not allowed to publicly talk about my problems.
According to society.
People call it publicly airing dirty laundry.
I call it real.
I call it me.
Despite whatever your warped mind see's.
Isn't that what makes life so beautiful.
The diversity.
The differences that come in extremes.
They are necessary.
I just wanted to play on a team.
I wanted to be together.
With every soul.
But instead I'm judged.
Misunderstood.
And I can't understand why.
The differences will never stop at the color of our hair or our eyes.
We are all desperately trying to escape the lies.
Don't you ever question that there is something more.
That this is not the only door.
That traditions and rules were meant to be broken.
But instead we follow along.
And become what is broken.
Chasing after one thing and one thing only.
Money.
In abundance.
That's what we all live for.
There very few who haven't already been molded and conformed.
It's like walking into a war.
Unarmed.
The more different you are than others,
The more you stick out like a sore thumb.
I like to think of it as the northern star.
But you see,
That's exactly why I'm so far apart.
From so many.
Because my brain will never be allowed to be filled with baloney.
I refuse to ever be fake or phony.
All in the sake for "looking" classy.
Regardless of what I actually am.
I will never live my life to please another again.
It was one of my worst mistakes.
To choose to see the very best in every person.
I never questioned it.
I did it without conditions or reasons.
I did it because I was full of hope and faith.
Believing, in this fairy tale ending.
When I am much smarter than this.
But love blinded my eyesight.
Because of it,
I have a grudge with love.
I'm full of anger, hurt, pain.
I feel estranged.
From the entire world.
I feel more alone than ever before.
For being so great at giving advice,
I seem to only see that one door.
Suddenly.
I've been struggling to be who I am.
Because people cant help but to want to change me.
Because I'm unlike most of what they've known.
Frightened by the unknown.
I'm unpredictable.
I'm not a clone.
And never will be.
No matter how hard you try,
Or how many lies you tell,
I will fight to the death for my own soul.
To always remain true to myself before anyone else.
Too many people pretend they don't care what people think.
But yet they live life like this is a Broadway show.
A simple commitment between two lovers,
Becomes 300 seated organized in rows.
The show is stealing my natural glow.
I cant live happily with all these insane people around me.
I don't want to be alone.
I just want to be with someone who knows how to love.
The real kind.
Not the sick kind.
Selfishness is scary.
It robs freedom.
From you,
And from me too.
I just want room to grow.
To struggle, to love, live, hurt, be crazy and let that become my show.
I don't want to hide for the sake of your comfort.
If only we could accept people for who they are.
We could all be the brightest shinning star.
Without the darkness.
Bright enough to be seen in sunlight.
Keep trying to smoother me and eventually you're gonna win.
I will die.
Then you'll decide you cared.
While pretending once again sitting in a different row.
At a different kind of show.
The hate that took my life will be pouring from their fake eyes.
And I will be in a box.
Finally happy.
Smiling.
Because now you cant hurt me.
Free.
From the horrific pain caused by society.
Another name to you,
But loved and missed by real friends and family.
Next time you have bad thoughts,
Turn them into love.
Somehow.
Anyway imaginable.
As if your own life depended on it.
Like its the only way your children will ever be comfortable.
Don't ever allow yourself to be conformed.
Start running down hallways.
Opening doors.
Cupboards.
All of them.
Don't stop until you're re programmed.
Because what we are now,
Is an insult to be called human.