Angels & Pony Tales 3/14

 

I close my eyes and all I can see through the rays of sunlight,
Are your beautiful little eyes.
Hair blowing in the wind that smell like fields of wild flowers.
Laughter that heals any wound remaining in the human body.
When you're not driving my crazy,
You make me so incredibly happy.
Content.
Wild.
And care free.
Seems as if it will all be ok.
As long as you're with me.
With all of us.
Even watching you leave on a yellow bus,
To a place of education,
I can't help but to feel saddened.
For even one minute away from you,
Is enough to make me want to chase after you.
Not let you go.
Hold you.
Kiss you.
Play in the sun,
In the leaves,
Or in the snow.
I want to sit quietly and watch you glow.
Like there is a fire lit from within.
The love is so intense I don't even know where to begin.
Its overwhelming.
Overflowing.
Traveling to places unknown.
Filling this world.
All because of 3 little girls.
Who literally turn my world.
And make it spin.
My heart feels dizzy.
My cheeks are Rosy from so many kisses.
I use my imagination to be next to you.
That's why I seem to not be able to find many words.
Only a few,
Because unbeknown to you,
We've always been together.
In lands with pony tales.
Fairy tales.
And sky's that are blue.
Holding hands.
Chasing feathers.
Flying kites.
Laughing and crying.
Living.
Loving.
Like we are the only ones existing on this planet that is spinning.
Regardless of what happens in life,
As long as i have you we are all winning.
Its not about money.
How much we have or don't.
Because what we feel inside could never have the same value.
It just cant.
And it just wont.
Watching our Disney movies.
Lying in an open field.
The sky as our screen.
No screaming.
Only from joy.
The grass is like glitter.
From all your colorful toys.
Clothes.
Shoes.
Belongings.
When life begins to go wrong,
When I trip and stumble.
Make mistakes and occasionally crumble.
When they sky gets dark.
Filled with clouds.
When it begins to growl and rumble.
Before the rain,
I mentally start to mediate your names.
You're faces.
I picture your teeth with your smiles.
I remember what you smell like.
All of these things,
Makes me want to actually live my life.
To the very fullest.
And give you an example.
Of which you're most proudest.
I want to make you happy.
And in return for the gift that you given me,
I want to be standing at every single door.
Being the one to hand you the key.
So you don't have to break every nail,
Painfully while trying to tear it down full of anxiety.
I want you to smile.
While walking through calmly.
I want to guide you.
As that was my purpose when you were given life.
Writing these words,
Its filling water within my eyes.
Because if only every child had angels on their side.
TO return the favor of what your birth offers.
Unconditional love.
Forever.
God knew what he was doing when he led me to you.
No child is ever a mistake.
It is designed perfectly.
We only start by giving you a name and birthing your life.
After all of this,
The real magic begins.
Don't ever for a second,
Question the love that we all have for you in this family.
Because each one of you was a missing key.
A needed key.
TO move forward.
Away from the pain and anxiety.
That nobody was there to protect us from.
We all want the same thing.
Freedom.
TO be loved.
Just as we are.
Hold my hand tight.
And prepare to fly.
To a place that is far, far away from here.
Away from any fear.
Because the only thing you need to truly know,
And understand,
Is that no matter what happens,
You were,
And you will always be loved.
You are simply everything to us.

On Earth As It Is In Heaven 3/14

Lost in a field of imaginary sunflowers.
A land full of super powers.
A reality far, far away from this one.
The real one.
My ultimate wish,
Absolute freedom.
From anything harsh or hateful.
I want to live in a world that is beautiful.
My hearts keeps this land full of waterfalls.
Cold and mysterious.
When all I want is sunshine and bliss.
Who knew one kiss,
Could ruin so much happiness.
That pure bliss.
It only temporary took away the loneliness.
Left alone, I had to ask myself this;
Do you truly love yourself?
Are you enough?
I had to pick myself up off the floor.
And refuse to give up.
Repeatedly.
From so many people.
Sadly.
Too many to count.
My heart has led me down paths less traveled.
And overgrown.
I had to create them on my own.
So much work.
That at times I still question it.
Is this kind of torture on purpose?
Am I the one creating all of this?
I'm stuck in my own mind.
It prevents me from growing at times.
I replay memories just as i memorized school ground rhyme's.
Songs.
That are stuck in my head.
Just like these haunting memories.
From too many broken roads.
On bad days,
I begin to somehow, After all this work,
Lose faith.
Lose hope.
In love.
In life.
In family.
What I want isn't just for me.
Its for the entire world.
From sea to shining sea.
I want everyone to feel happy.
To feel loved.
To have faith that there is something more.
There's people who we've loved and lost.
Looking down on us from above.
Stepping in only when necessary.
Believe in magic.
Believe in fairies.
Believe in the unimaginable.
Because what we live in today,
Is enough to make you want to run away.
Some do.
And they find their best friend in a syringe.
Till death do you part.
Together till the end.
Too many people in this world,
Including myself,
Are suffering in silence.
Denying it would be a lie.
A lie told from a soul that's unfulfilled.
Desperately trying to understand God's will.
Hoping and praying for your own fairy tale.
With a white picket fence.
A hand picked diamond.
A husband or wife that's extremely devoted and loyal.
Forgetting often that you are searching for what you lack.
You have skeletons like everyone else you try to conceal.
Focusing on only outward appearance's.
So that's its never revealed.
It's time that our generation gets real.
Stop chasing after the ideal.
Don't allow yourself to be brainwashed.
I just suddenly realized,
That there is some prick reading this,
Laughing and mocking.
Thinking I'm nothing but a tree huggin' hippie.
Bullshit in their eyes.
So they cleverly find entertainment.
Forget love.
Footballs and baseball gloves.
Who going to win the next fight.
Waiting days to kill an innocent doe.
For sport.
Taking their antlers for proof.
On display for show.
Just like in reality.
Love has become a game.
And its absolutely disgusting.
If people don't stand up and care enough for change,
We will all be existing in this dimension.
Wheedling shotguns.
Blasting targets on a daily basis.
Living in chaos.
Secretly and deeply afraid.
Enough that the stress from realizing all of this,
Makes you want to run for your life.
You want to be first place.
Win this race.
God forbid you place last.
What we seem to fail to recognize,
Is that we all end up in a casket.
The beautiful part in all of this,
Is that as ugly as a person can be,
They will be loved regardless.
For eternity.

Do You Know Who You Are?

Shivering.
I'm trying to fight the fear.
To not feel it.
become consumed by this.
I'm so terrified.
I'm trying to be strong and hide it.
I don't know why.
Aren't we all allowed to occasionally cry.
Why must I be superman.
Its unreal and inhuman.
I'm not allowed to publicly talk about my problems.
According to society.
People call it publicly airing dirty laundry.
I call it real.
I call it me.
Despite whatever your warped mind see's.
Isn't that what makes life so beautiful.
The diversity.
The differences that come in extremes.
They are necessary.
I just wanted to play on a team.
I wanted to be together.
With every soul.
But instead I'm judged.
Misunderstood.
And I can't understand why.
The differences will never stop at the color of our hair or our eyes.
We are all desperately trying to escape the lies.
Don't you ever question that there is something more.
That this is not the only door.
That traditions and rules were meant to be broken.
But instead we follow along.
And become what is broken.
Chasing after one thing and one thing only.
Money.
In abundance.
That's what we all live for.
There very few who haven't already been molded and conformed.
It's like walking into a war.
Unarmed.
The more different you are than others,
The more you stick out like a sore thumb.
I like to think of it as the northern star.
But you see,
That's exactly why I'm so far apart.
From so many.
Because my brain will never be allowed to be filled with baloney.
I refuse to ever be fake or phony.
All in the sake for "looking" classy.
Regardless of what I actually am.
I will never live my life to please another again.
It was one of my worst mistakes.
To choose to see the very best in every person.
I never questioned it.
I did it without conditions or reasons.
I did it because I was full of hope and faith.
Believing, in this fairy tale ending.
When I am much smarter than this.
But love blinded my eyesight.
Because of it,
I have a grudge with love.
I'm full of anger, hurt, pain.
I feel estranged.
From the entire world.
I feel more alone than ever before.
For being so great at giving advice,
I seem to only see that one door.
Suddenly.
I've been struggling to be who I am.
Because people cant help but to want to change me.
Because I'm unlike most of what they've known.
Frightened by the unknown.
I'm unpredictable.
I'm not a clone.
And never will be.
No matter how hard you try,
Or how many lies you tell,
I will fight to the death for my own soul.
To always remain true to myself before anyone else.
Too many people pretend they don't care what people think.
But yet they live life like this is a Broadway show.
A simple commitment between two lovers,
Becomes 300 seated organized in rows.
The show is stealing my natural glow.
I cant live happily with all these insane people around me.
I don't want to be alone.
I just want to be with someone who knows how to love.
The real kind.
Not the sick kind.
Selfishness is scary.
It robs freedom.
From you,
And from me too.
I just want room to grow.
To struggle, to love, live, hurt, be crazy and let that become my show.
I don't want to hide for the sake of your comfort.
If only we could accept people for who they are.
We could all be the brightest shinning star.
Without the darkness.
Bright enough to be seen in sunlight.
Keep trying to smoother me and eventually you're gonna win.
I will die.
Then you'll decide you cared.
While pretending once again sitting in a different row.
At a different kind of show.
The hate that took my life will be pouring from their fake eyes.
And I will be in a box.
Finally happy.
Smiling.
Because now you cant hurt me.
Free.
From the horrific pain caused by society.
Another name to you,
But loved and missed by real friends and family.
Next time you have bad thoughts,
Turn them into love.
Somehow.
Anyway imaginable.
As if your own life depended on it.
Like its the only way your children will ever be comfortable.
Don't ever allow yourself to be conformed.
Start running down hallways.
Opening doors.
Cupboards.
All of them.
Don't stop until you're re programmed.
Because what we are now,
Is an insult to be called human.

 

Life Sentence 3/13

Love in my mind.
Is something that is close to impossible to ever define.
Its all over the place.
Never stays the same.
Because I never do.
Changing like tides.
Coming and going.
Raging water or drifting slowly.
There's no rhyme, rhythm, or reasons,
To my actions, choices, or thoughts.
Changing like the seasons.
But just as beautiful.
And if you cant find a way to appreciate it,
Then you're a blind fool.
Each piece of me falling like beautiful vibrant leaves.
Sprouting like plants and trees.
Growing.
At a fast speed.
I get scared at times that you can't keep up with me.
Because I never stop moving.
Living in an ill reality.
You can safely call it a delusion.
A barrier.
Created for protection.
I'm timid of being hurt.
So I only offer out negativity and rejection.
It took me a long time to love my reflection.
These doubts and questions cause affliction.
In my mind, body, heart, and soul.
I lose so much faith that at times I feel invisible.
How can you acknowledge something that refuses to be present.
Who lives in another dimension.
Entirely different that yours.
But yet we are trying to co exit.
Fight these forceful currents.
Exhaustion can change your mind.
There comes a point where you almost feel like you're going to die.
You question the happiness wondering how long before he makes you cry.
A million percent of your effort is given.
Every ounce.
Seems like all you do is try.
Wondering if its true.
If its real.
If it was,
I shouldn't have to fight so hard right?
That's when the intense pain kicks in.
Because that's when I have to painfully realize.
Its not these men, these boys, these guys.
I close my eyes and I see me.
The problem is me.
So then I race against time and go back through history.
Desperately looking.
Searching.
For erasers.
For white out.
Anything to mask this doubt.
The doubt that I may never be able to undo the tremendous damage.
I'm 26 years old.
Its amazing its been this long that I've managed.
I survived.
But am I alive?
No.
Its like I'm empty of serotonin.
I find it in all the wrong places.
And all the wrong people.
Always forgetting about me.
Forgetting about the obvious evils.
When you're conceived and born unwanted,
Maybe it starts there.
Where you were birthed with a scar.
If only it was as easy as Harry Potter.
Slowly chipping away at this massive boulder.
Eventually it becomes this incredibly beautiful sculpture.
The love I crave.
The love I needed.
But was neglected,
Has ultimately been found in my own body.
My own heart.
My own being.
My own crazy mind.
Believing truly is seeing.
Choose to see the best.
Take it from me and don't risk that consequence.
Because its a life sentence.

Time Zombie

Free falling through dimension's.
I'm completely weightless.
As I made my way through this mess,
There was so much to be discovered.
One by one,
I began to pull off the covers.
The vales hiding the fairy tales.
They do exist despite what you might think.
Just not in the way that you wanted to believe.
When you're too busy looking down,
You miss so much that's not lying on the ground.
When your own thoughts are so loud you can't hear any sound.
The trick for me,
Where I found my release,
Was discovered deep within me.
I was frantically searching for reasons,
Not paying attention to the changing seasons.
Forgetting that the world continues to turn and spin,
Despite what you are struggling with.
Losing loved ones,
Or being deployed,
Still doesn't make it stop.
Time that is.
Every question I had seemed to revolve around time in one way or another.
So that's where I began to uncover what most needs to be uncovered.
Discovered.
In my own mind and heart.
I had to stop and ask for directions after getting lost.
I couldn't return with the false knowledge I had.
I also did not have the choice of simply going back.
I had to not only question everything I didn't know.
I had to question what I thought I knew.
Everything in between.
Because I was standing there with nothing but a map and set of keys.
I've never been good with direction.
Likely because of my love for asking questions and dissection.
As my mother would say,
A grain of salt if I could.
I want to learn.
To constantly grow.
As I should.
Knowledge is power.
So when I found myself in this disaster,
Dissection is where I found my direction.
Without protection.
I myself was deployed.
To a war right in front of every ones eyes.
A war within my own self.
Everything I was told and taught,
Verses what I felt.
Deep within my own gut.
I knew my pretty face wasn't just about luck.
Maybe when I shed the ugly duckling,
I finally was given he opportunity for you to pay attention.
That's what it truthfully comes down to, Sadly.
I don't blame you.
I blame society.
Feel me.
See me.
In any army,
Numbers are important.
I feel like its my duty to train you properly.
If you want it.
The lessons that were so painfully taught to me.
By loving endlessly.
Time and time again.
Despite the burn of it always ending.
Each time I'm left alone or rejected,
You'd think it would give me complications.
But its almost like I crave it.
Like I need it.
To build my inner warrior to be the strongest it can be.
Because although this life is beautiful,
There's going to be more pain inevitably.
My most valuable memory is time.
Obsessing over it has made me truly understand.
Watch in amazement as I walk out of quick sand.
Anything is possible if you just grab a hand.
It's easy to focus on yourself and all your problems.
Wasting time desperately trying to solve them.
I'm here to tell you to give that up and don't wish for good luck.
Remember that without pain,
Everything good felt is in vain.
You can never fully appreciate how great something is,
Until the end of its time.
When the pain makes you truly feel again.
Pain reminds you how important love is.
And time,
Is a reminder of all of this.

Elementary Daze 2/14

Did you just suddenly forget?
All the times we laughed and kissed.
Its like in 5th grade,
I had a premonition.
Of what I thought my entire life would consist of.
Love.
With my best friend.
His name, I cant say.
Only think.
Just repeating mentally I feel like I am being swarmed by butterfly kisses.
Its like a land of make believe.
A land of magic and fantasy.
Of course they don't exist.
So how did I allow myself to get so caught up in it.
Its like Cinderella trying on the wrong shoe,
And it just doesn't fit.
Period.
Cry all you want but It wont change a thing.
Its never been right.
Its always been about timing.
Not being precipitated.
Or so I thought.
But what I too,
Had forgotten,
Was that I WAS forgotten.
By someone who was holding my bloody,
Beating heart in their hands.
At a time when we were friends,
It was protected.
But when things got bad,
Slaughtered it.
I think back often and wonder if it was even real.
Like Bella in twilight.
I feel hypnotized.
I feel haunted.
I feel angry.
The hate wants to consume.
So badly.
And I want to let it, sadly.
Because its easier to hate you then it is to love you.
I deserved to be loved.
Like a child gets from their parents.
Unconditionally.
You not only love me,
But you accept me.
Even if I am crazy.
Being proud of that.
Like my sister.
Considering you are completely incapable of this,
I Should have realized,
I never even wanted this.
Years ago.
When you question why things happen for a reason,
You're wasting time.
Say goodbye.
Willfully.
Happily.
Because until you choose to do this,
You will be like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed.
Awkward.
Shamed.
To blame.
For allowing your life to become what it has.
Pack your bags.
And buy a one way ticket.
To being the sole person to give you happiness.
That happiness you so desperately crave.
The brush you ran through has now created a path.
Follow it.
Don't turn back.
Be brave.
Repeatedly tell yourself that its going to be ok.
Because it is.
You could even call it common sense.
All of this.
The choices you choose,
The people you allow,
And your behavior,
Can either make your own self an enemy,
Or a savior.
It took me far too long to realize I was listening to the same old song.
Your release is in letting go.
Of everything that makes you feel hallow.
Empty.
Full of nothing.
This life is much too short for that.
Imagine this path.
Of happiness.
Like you're attending a party at Woodstock in the 70's.
hallucinate without the drugs.
Its called your imagination.
Don't let it too, be forgotten.
never feel complacent.
These words are not intended to be compliments.
They are seeds to beautiful vibrant plants.
Flowers.
Trees.
They are intended to help us both succeed.
Its quiet possible the person speaking is a different personality.
One I've created because of the person we've discussed.
The kind that forces you to be enormous.
Hulk.
On a rampage.
Because someone or something,
Opened the cage.
One that is brave.
So much more brave then I could ever be.
That's why I let her guide the insecure parts of me.
Pave my way to happiness and butterfly kisses.
I chose to walk slowly down this particular path.
And now that I've gotten this far,
I don't ever want to go back.
Back to that place of bitterness and loneliness.
Literally feeling death.
Like its the only option to be free.
Free from me?
Or free from you?
In not exactly sure.
But what I do know,
Is that I would rather be left alone with myself forever,
Then to live another day of what you put me through.
I've always been clever.
Witty.
Humble.
Smart and beautiful.
But being lost in your darkness,
It too had been forgotten.
My first kiss,
Made me this.
Exactly what you see.
So as hateful as I would like to be,
I guess this is where I say thank you.
Because in the end,
I'm going to be happy.
Not because of you.
In spite of you.
It's all quiet simple.
I was just trying on the wrong shoe.
 

Love & Fantasies 3/14

Strange.
The only way to describe the feelings.
The thoughts that flood my mind.
I rush to get them out at any cost.
At times, it's like they aren't even mine.
Submerged.
Then purged forward.
So fast.
So I keep this pen handy while it lasts.
I've often wondered what is the point of all of this rambling.
Is it to keep me afloat when life has me dangling.
Or for when I'm left with no time.
It has me scrambling.
For memories.
That I cherished.
For a lifetime.
To never forget how they made me feel.
They made me feel alive.
They made me feel real.
I've discovered the entire purpose of my being.
And to put it simply; Love.
Endlessly.
With love it all becomes so easy.
So enlightening.
Its no longer so frightening.
Its beautiful.
Its powerful.
Like lightening.
Striking when and where you least expect it.
And it doesn't happen twice.
Rare indeed.
You can search your whole life for this one missing key.
A needle in a haystack.
But what's so ironic,
Is that its easier than you think, in fact.
Stop focusing on everything that you lack.
No need for defense.
Nobody is under attack.
This world was designed with many things in mind.
Free will isn't free.
You're given the respect.
Opportunity.
Abilities.
Talents.
Capabilities.
With so much freedom and unconditional love,
It comes with responsibilities.
Responsibility to humanity.
The humans and their fragile hearts.
Resting in their own beings.
Every one of us is struggling.
Marionettes.
Puppets.
These strings manipulate your capabilities.
Your free will.
Despite what you think,
You're not caged in.
You're not a doll.
Inhale.
Fresh air.
Feel the wind.
Wake up before you're robbed of your common sense.
Don't let technology re program what you were born to know.
As a child,
We are meant to grow.
To learn.
To eventually teach.
And with nothing but leeches,
There will be nothing left.
And what is,
Will be forgotten.
Its already happening.
We are multiplying rapidly.
Depleting the very resources that use to help our kind thrive.
Without them,
We all die.
But yet,
We as communities are choosing to pretend to be blind.
To cleverly divert our eyes.
To refuse the truth.
And I will never understand why.
Its like standing back with someone holds your child underwater.
While you sit with your hands in your lap.
Helplessly crying.
When all that's needed in most cases to save a life,
An entire race or even species,
Is to care enough to help it survive.
Action.
Not contemplation.
Debating.
Just doing.
Flying.
Stop them from dying.
Or at least try.
Isn't that the least you could to pay it forward for the gift of this life.
You're certainly not entitled.
And at any new obstacle.
Every domino could fall.
You should never feel comfortable.
This is not our home.
Visiting only temporarily.
To pass along the unconditional love that is crucially necessary.
We don't have time to be arguing over religion or science.
Wars, poverty, or violence.
Because with one thought,
Bullets are stopped before ever being shot.
Deep seeded anger is a black mask.
A scary monster hiding in the dark.
Something in this life tried to eat their heart.
Stolen for a moment.
Or 10 years.
Its a disguise to hide fear.
To hide insecurities.
They cant bear for you to see their vulnerabilities.
Someone failed them when they were babies.
In these times,
Its hard to not question Gods job.
His place in all of this.
How could something so beautiful,
Be so cruel.
It all comes back to free will.
As an individual you are loved enough to be your true self.
But remember that every choice you make,
Will guaranteed effect somebody else.
It could barely just brush past them,
Or forever impact them.
Change them.
Create them.
So when creating disasters,
Don't forget about the shrapnel.
Hurling at the speed of light in many different pieces.
Effecting everyone from your friends,
parents, grand parents, lovers, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunties, nephews, to nieces.
Especially in children.
The most impressionable.
So before you decide to live selfishly,
Remember your responsibility to humanity.
It will protect your own families.
Leaving this world a better place.
Next time,
Remember that unfamiliar face.
Looking at it from the top of the world in pitch black, Sparkling,
Starry space,
Gravity has me floating.
Drifting weightlessly.
Aimlessly.
Looking down at it all,
I cant believe it was all so simple.
Love.
Unconditionally.
And you will achieve a happiness that only exists in fantasies.