Best Friends Came To A Quick End 11/13

The thoughts that people keep inside their heads,
Is sometimes hurtful.
Feels like death.
When words coming flowing as fast and as hot as lava.
One tiny thing,
Brings it all up.
After holding harsh thoughts buried inside their heart.
You are the one who's left feeling alone and in the dark.
Feeling confused.
With an ego that is bruised.
How is it that people are so quick to point a finger,
Or pass a judgement,
When they, too, are stuck in cement.
There is not one person on planet earth who is doing everything right.
We all make mistakes.
We all rest our heads at night.
To think that you are much different from somebody else,
Is an ignorant thought.
I hope that ice around your heart suddenly melts.
I hope that when you are old and grey.
You will have many stories to tell.
As that would mean, You actually lived your life.
Made it through the endless fight.
With battle scars to show your efforts.
Wrinkles everywhere.
Looking whetherd.
Feeling completely exhausted.
But completely satisfied.
You are the one who made it.
You didn't die inside.
And when you cross over,
I hope that he decided you're good enough to keep with him.
Instead of living in the middle.
Going through purification.
People can say all the hurtful things they want to.
But you know who you are.
What you do and what a daily basis is like for you.
So let them talk.
Talk until they can't breath.
Little do they know,
You could have been there release.
Only staying for so long,
And being so involved,
To make sure every single person felt loved.
Call it shit talking or destroying lives.
The journey is never easy.
It's thick until you get to the other side.
I know in my heart who I am.
So I take your judgements.
But what happens next is....BAM.
There gone.
No longer in my thought process.
Because I never thought I was a princess.
But to hear you tear apart the person I am,
Really says a lot about the person you aren't.
Maybe people really do hate you fro being beautiful.
It's something they could never do.
Being beautiful isn't about having a pretty face or a banging body.
It's about living everyday to help somebody.
So the next time you find yourself thinking of nasty thoughts,
Just know before they come out of your mouth,
Trying to tear someone down,
Will leave you behind.
Left in the forgotten.
If you think you knew,
I will show you what you want to see.
Nothing of the beautiful parts of me.
I wasn't a flea trying to suck on your worthless blood.
I was a friend.
A sister.
I thought I was loved.
Your hurtful words will never hurt me again.
Because I now know,
That you were never my best friend.
 

Conflicted 12/12

Love can be conflicted.
At times it can seem so vicious.
Factious.
Alluring, But mysterious.
Strong, Warm, Kind, Divine.
Sometimes all at the same time.
it can bring you to the darkest places.
When you close your eyes,
That's the only way now to see their faces.
Time ends.
Your spirit never does.
You cant see them.
But they are right there,
Your loved ones.
Then there's the love that is as white as dove.
As pure as freshly fallen snow.
When your heart starts falling,
You want everyone to know.
You want everyone to be happy.
There are so many different kinds.
Like the love a child gets from her mommy or daddy.
Also like the love you have for your babies.
No matter how scared you are,
Its at every single corner.
In every single face.
It's the air we breath.
It's all over the place.
Then, There is the sick love.
The kind that restricts your breathing.
And grabs you from behind.
It's the one that in your mind,
You know isn't right.
Because it doesn't feel right.
It feels wrong.
For one reason or another.
Sometimes its best to get away.
Move along.
Take whats yours and leave the rest.
The bad is what creates the best.
In you.
So don't be afraid of the next test.
The next fall without a parachute.
This is life.
Not an execution.
You will be fine.
In time...
When the right love comes along,
You'll know it.
Because your not just glowing.
There's literally a fire inside that's been lit.
This love makes you want to be the best possible.
The lead role.
To set an example.
And then run.
As fast as you possibly can.
until you die.
Never give up until you forever close your eyes.
Make more of an effort than "try".
Thinking of it now,
Makes me want to cry.
Because lets face it.
It is so scary.
Even knowing its right.
Because you have to give this person everything.
Your heart.
Your soul.
Your life.
In hopes,
That this great gift of true love is respected.
That you love me.
Unconditionally.
Accept me.
Encourage me.
That you'll always be true and protect me.
Protect my heart.
If it ends,
There will be a permanent scar.
But.....What if it doesn't?
What if I could live my whole life,
With my best friend.
What if he was true.
Until we die.
Until the end.
What if he loved me like I was the only girl in the world.
What if he made me smile everyday.
Without ever saying a word.
What if when he kissed me,
I felt butterflies.
Every time.
What if there was a mutual respect.
And he never told lies.
What if he never intentionally made me cry.
I could live forever not knowing if I didn't try.
So walk to that ledge.
feel the gravel under your feet.
Your unsturdy stance.
Your shaking hands.
Your shirt is wet, From sweat.
Breath through those million breaths per minute.
You're larger than you believe.
Stronger.
Smarter.
Not so small.
So walk to that ledge.
Feet together.
Arms out.
Close your eyes.
Smile and fall.

If Ever A Time, The Time Is NOW 3/13

Do you ever stop to realize,
That just maybe you have a purpose.
That all the pain you have ever felt,
Is worth it.
That without the feelings of utter sadness,
And the never endless madness,
You would never be able to fully appreciate happiness.
That without the downfalls,
Filled with the heaviest rainfall,
There would never be any sun or rainbows at all.
Those day's your skin is warm,
From the burning hot sun,
Are so peaceful.
No running.
No anxiety
Just swimming.
BBQ'S.
Families.
Togetherness.
Forever suddenly begins.
I've been on the other side.
When life is at it's end.
I should have died.
So many times.
With each time of my life being spared.
I'm starting to see.
That I don't need to be scared.
I need to make a difference.
I need to share these experience's.
In hopes,
It's someone else's last hope.
When they can't hold on anymore.
At the end of their rope.
Words of wisdom bring light to life.
A path to share.
A way to show someone,
There's more to learn.
More to see out there.
that some people,
Do actually care.
Look at an object for too long.
Stare.
You'll start to see much more than a simple object sitting there.
Your mind expands.
In enters, Logic.
Your mind in a sense,
Is like how it was when you were ten.
Imagination isn't lost.
And you remember who you really are.
That you haven't been forgotten.
Sometimes that's all it takes.
Is to truly open your eyes.
Or come so close to death,
That you know just how lucky you are to be alive.
Letting spirits come through my soul.
To write these words.
When it's over,
I fly away feeling like a free bird.
Above it all.
Above the clouds.
Sitting on top of the world.
Alone.
But no longer a lonely, scared, girl.
From the moment I seen that light,
Just this past Friday night,
My eye's suddenly opened.
Wider than ever before.
At that moment,
I was once again re-born.
Today, I know what it's like,
To feel truly alive inside.
This is my apology.
For ever wanting to die. 

Floating Hearts Popped With Darts 2/13

Breathless.
Feeling helpless.
Tired.
I'm charred, But alive.
Ive just put the fire out.
The burning pain,
Is still making me want to scream in pain.
Hatred, Disgust, Rage, Bleeding in my vanes.
Rainbows, Colors, God,
Is replaying like a movie reel in my brain.
A well oiled machine keep it maintained.
But the thoughts of you are driving me insane.
Like driving through the roughest terrain.
Bouncing up, down, left, right, and back down again.
My head is starting to pound.
I swear when i land, I'm kissing the ground.
Memories flashing fast with every road sign.
Every mile post.
Where the hell are you?
You're gone when I need you the most.
With every inhale of deceivingly seems to be fresh breath,
It's just pushing me closer to my death.
Driving faster and faster hoping to outrun this devil.
Knowing if I stop,
I might as well grab the shovel.
Dig my own grave 6 feet deep.
Lay down and willing go to sleep.
I can't feel the pedals anymore.
My feet are pressed all the way to the floorboard.
Palms sweaty, Fingers tight.
Griping the only thing that's keeping me from death or life.
Racing you.
Forcing you out of my mind.
The only light is coming from my headlights.
Ive never been so scared.
So alone.
In the middle of the night.
You can only run for so long.
Eventually you're gonna run out of gas.
With no money in your pocket,
You're forced to stop.
You're own your own.
Sitting in silence.
Waiting for the violence.
To catch up to you.
In your ear you hear quiet violins.
Head down.
Hair in face.
Tears falling like they are in they're own race.
Landing in your lap.
Settling in your jeans.
The sun is rising.
As you're prepared for this death for your own life.
Prepared to fight.
You wake only to realize,
This time, it was only a dream.
It doesn't stop your heart from beating to fast.
Skipping beats.
As smart as you are,
You know he'll be back tomorrow.
To meet you in your dreams.
In waking state, It's not too much of a difference.
It all seems the same.
You gave a broken girl hope.
And then shattered her soul.
You're right, I am insane.
I'm insane for letting you in when I was 8.
Parasailing until you come back.
Calling my name.
Being the savior that I like to be,
I can't look at you, Who is also broken,
And leave you to the fate of which you left me.
Stranded.
In the largest, Meanest, vast open angry seas.
Artic, Indian, Pacific, Atlantic, terrified and frantic.
The anxiety we share is multiplied by fear.
I wanted to save yours, So I kept them all for me.
Stayed in darkness.
When I could have been in the clear.
Overwhelmed and out of breath.
Ultimately the cause of death;
She died of being broken and lost her soul that sunny day,
When she was 8 years old.
Only elementary.
She could have been so beautiful on the contrary.
Guilty of believing,
A boy could have saved her life.
With that thought, She was then left to die.

Purgatory 11/12

I've spent my whole life wanting to die.
Until now.
I wish to stay alive.
To have what I've always dreamed.
To have my own family.
To be a devoted wife and mother.
Raise my children with a beautiful father.
I used to look at life without its beauty.
Only using ways to get by.
I wasn't seeing birds flying high.
Tree's so green.
Sunny blue skies.
I wasn't seeing that the struggle in life,
Is what makes it worth it.
These are thing's I'd never thought I'd admit.
I found the last puzzle piece.
And it fits.
That puzzle piece is me.
Quoted from a friend.
Every jagged edge.
From memories that built me.
Some I'd like to forget.
Though the intense burn,
Is similar to the twisting of each turn.
When you're in so much pain.
You just want it to stop no matter what the cost.
Feeling confused.
Feeling lost.
Is all part of his plot.
Our life is in our own hands.
Despite his plan.
In control of this narrow road.
Winding so many times your head is turning.
Spinning.
Your suddenly feeling extremely dizzy.
Sometimes we miss roads.
Life becomes to busy.
To stop and take a look inside.
Know who you are and what is that you want before we die.
If your lucky enough to keep up with time.
To dream and look forward to them.
Working 9-5 everyday instead.
For a lousy paycheck.
That barely gets you by.
Forgetting your own dreams.
Feeling hallow inside.
Steel plates forming around your body.
Arms, Legs, Torso, Face.
You're a robot now.
Without a name.
It's never too late to change your fate.
Until your time runs out,
Do what's in your heart without a doubt.
It's the only way to brighter days.
never worry what others may think.
They're looks and judgment will make you heavy.
And eventually sink.
They say we only use half our brains.
Imagine the possibilities.
Take the time to use it.
Exercise it.
Think.
Everyday of clever new ways to help you not stray.
Time is never on our side.
So ask yourself what it truly is that you want before you die.
Find your faith.
Tell your story.
Don't end it with unfinished business.
Or you're likely to live in purgatory.

Chaos - 7/30/12

I'm learning that as you grow.
Sometimes you are left alone.
From letting people go.
Whatever the reason.
It saddens me.
That trust is such a gift lately.
At times It's hard to know what you should believe.
Blind faith is scary.
So is being lonely.
The darkness brings out the monsters.
The pitch black makes you over react.
Try to stay sane.
Keep it all together.
Keep it all in tact.
Staying strong when you're walking through the pitch black.
Not letting your mind take over.
Leaving you vulnerable.
An easier target to take down.
Praying on fears.
Literally just a piece of meat now.
Not the best piece of meat because you've been feed the wrong things.
A feeling of being hallow.
But living in the body of a human being.
I feel like my brain and my body are constantly doing different things.
Never In sync.
Always sitting right on the brink.
The brink of disaster.
Running from flood waters.
With so much time to think.
You start to sink.
Fast.
Nothing to pull you up because nothing has lasted.
Everything changes at such a rapid pace.
Why am I so different.
Or see life so differently.
Maybe I really am crazy.
Might as well be locked within white walls.
It wouldn't stop the falling.
Maybe it would give me time to catch my breath.
Or time to work on being my very best.
But best for who.
For me. Or for you.
Everyone always tells you to not let others thought be what creates you.
But is there really another way.
Because at the end of the day.
When you go against the grain.
People look at you like you're a psycho.
Like they don't know what's going wrong with your brain.
Why can you only think of negativity.
Well, maybe because that is the only thing that has ever surrounded me.
It's what tries drowning me.
Blowing out my knee's.
Constantly on a different level.
It's like punishment that's mid evil.
A silent suffer is the absolutely worse kind.
When you have to hide it.
Keep it all inside.
You have a life.
A family.
You have no time.
So for now.
I will stand here in this chaos.
And just wait for it to quiet down.

The End Of My Time 7/30/12

How do you deal with heart ache.
I guess it would depend on how it breaks.
Or who may have broke it.
Life is a road of sorrows.
The moments of pure happiness are few and far in between.
Because let's face it.
We are alone.
We are not together.
Most don't have the support from a team.
Bills pile up.
Loved ones pass.
Its no longer half full.
It's not even a clear glass.
life is no longer filled with imagination.
Or usually a moment of relaxation.
No longer an awesome dream.
A dream you don't want to wake up from.
Its just too good to be true.
Theres' some people, Maybe unlike you,
Who these moments rarely happen to.
For reasons only known by God.
You were chosen for this life.
A life where maybe you were never meant to bear your own children.
You were never meant to be a wife.
And its not at all like when your ten. For play. For pretend.
Possibly put on this earth for bigger reasons.
Maybe to save others lives.
At times the world can look so calm.
Seems to only be at night.
Then comes dawn.
Most start their day with a routine.
And never break away from that.
Living life and not thinking about how its over so fast.
I can't help but to constantly want answers for every one of my million questions.
Eventually its going to be like running out of gas with no near by gas station.
I'm tired. Really tired.
It's hard to find things left that I completely admire.
I feel like my own dreams were smothered.
That doesn't matter now because I am a mother.
This is my purpose.
And I have never felt like life was more worth it.
Or more with living.
Until her.
Jocelyn Juelz is her name.
I didn't truly start living until that day.
August 13th 2010 at 10:49 she came.
I'm finding that the littlest things in life are what keeps holding the spot lights.
It's not always bad.
It's not always good.
But I'm thankful still.
Like I should.
Because I am here for her.
I am here as her guide.
And for that reason I will always work on whats inside.
To be my very best.
To love that I have a life.
Be thankful for my heart beat.
Thankful for hers.
To look forward to seeing loved ones lost.
When this life is over.
Accept that nothing will ever be like it was before.
Nothing lasts forever.
And not be scared when my time comes.
When It's all finally at its end.
When I drop dead to the floor.
Don't cry for me.
Because I am still living.
In my legacy.
In my daughter.
And I will forever be at peace knowing,
If nothing else,
I was an amazing mother.