The Universe Is Screaming 8/21/13

I step into a safe capsule.
Almost like I'm stepping into your arms.
A place filled with unicorns.
And childhood love.
Things that don't seem to exist when you're an adult.
Something inside scream you were meant from up above.
Something screams at me to chase you.
Love you.
Never leave you.
Despite how painful it ever is.
Something inside tells me this is it.
The missing key to my set.
The person I could never forget.
Because I gave them my entire heart.
There's something invisible that keeps us from parting.
You're the only thing glowing in the dark.
We've missed something.
Or the exact opposite.
It hasn't happened yet.
I knew it the second I looked into your eyes.
When we met when we were ten.
My best friend.
To this day.
After telling you how I really feel at twenty four,
I'm running out of words to say.
It's like getting to the best part of a great book,
Turning the page,
And they are all empty and blank.
Nothing more said.
You have to go back and check for more words another day.
Waiting almost becomes painful and frustrating.
At first Its an adventure.
Almost exciting.
But then day by day,
The light starts to fade.
You'll never make it home before home nightfall.
You're scared.
In the dark.
With no one to call.
No nobody to help.
Challenged with being alone in this terrifying moment.
To see what you're made of.
All of the sudden your own being starts glowing.
Reluctantly you keep walking this path.
Rustling in the bushes brings upon fear.
You're constantly wondering if you should turn back.
But instead you keep walking this dark path.
Eventually you've walked so far there is no point in a return.
This journey,
Changed you inevitably.
Now you just need that key.
For at one point,
You will reach a door.
Hands shaking while you reach for it with keys in hand.
Not sure if you want to open it and see more.
The unknown can be crippling.
One chance.
One life.
With a time frame.
To get it all right.
Because on this dark path,
That's all it takes.
Is one innocent wrong turn.
Now you're walking barefoot.
Straight to a cliff.
For a world of hurt.
When just around the corner behind that door,
Was the person of your dreams.
Waiting.
Glowing.
With a hand extended.
Reaching for yours with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
All of the sudden,
Here comes that world of fantasy and make believe.
Like we are avatars.
Living in a dream.
A galaxy.
Away from everyone.
There is no other form of travel.
You've come too far.
When you had opened that door,
EYWA.
The most beautiful light you've ever seen.
In order to experience this,
You in fact have to be dreaming.
Sleeping.
In a catatonic state.
Because by the time you realize Its only a dream,
Suddenly,
Everything changes.
Everything you're seeing.
This beautiful place that you're existing in,
Is being bulldozed.
Clearing ever single tree.
All you want to do is wake up and hit the snooze.
For just five more minutes of this incredible fantasy.
But you cant be late.
Because then you're the one who loses.
Don't wait for fate.
 

Control Yourself 8/17/13

That moment right before you cry.
Where you can feel right heart aching.
Your breath is fast.
You're panting.
Your eyes start watering.
Uncontrollably because you're so emotional.
Hurt.
Sad.
Mad.
Angry.
Upset.
Alone.
Confused.
Feeling like you've just been physically abused.
Sick.
Ill.
In need of Advil.
For your pounding headache.
Sleep for your heart ache.
Food for your soul.
Friends to console.
In times of need.
When love drops you to your knee's.
In potions where the universe is screaming.
Pray to me.
Believe in me.
Begging for you to listen to your heart.
Even if you are scared.
Walking alone in the cold and in the dark.
No directions.
It seems so long.
So many miles.
So far.
All to have you trip and fall,
Get lost and lose your way.
Your heart is being built like a mosaic.
Sturdy pieces of beautiful glass and tiles.
Representing each time its been broken.
Imagine it in the light.
When its lit up.
So vibrant.
So colorful.
Like rainbows of feelings.
Experiences.
Voices.
Notes.
Float around in your head until you lay down to go to bed.
You're lucky if they even stop then.
I tend to dream.
Fall in love with the make believe.
Just because it exists for some,
Doesn't mean it will exist for you.
Some are different.
It's harder to "fit in".
To find the right fit for the shoe.
I don't know if I ever will.
I don't know if I want to.
Maybe I'm just meant to be free.
From those moments of being dropped to your knees.
Some aren't strong enough.
Rich enough,
To rebuild after the fire.
The blaze.
Things will never be the same.
They'll never be ok.
Everything is charred and ruined from the gallons of water.
Sometimes there is nothing to repair.
You just have to walk away in tears.
Re-build from the ground up.
Call it pessimistic.
I call it realistic.
People are human.
Mistakes are bound.
The repair depends on how profound.
If it tipped your scales to far.
Causing you to crash and burn.
Now there is no trust.
No safe and sound.
You might as well be buried 6 feet deep in the ground.
Dig, claw, climb your way out of there like Its life or death.
Because in fact it is.
You're wasting precious time.
Get out.
Catch your breath.
And run.
Run until you feel like you're having a heart attack.
Never look back.
Find a safe haven to find yourself again.
Don't lose control.
Take control.
Before everything is spinning out of control.
Destined to crash.
If the crash occurs,
Pray for your life.
That you'll be lucky enough to make it out alive.
Still capable of comfortably surviving.


 

Have A Little Faith 8/13

When it comes to relationships with people,
Magnetic pulls are the most dangerous.
The ones with blind faith and undeserved trust.
You think you're in love.
When all it is in fact, is pure lust.
Your eyes and heart are being filled with stars.
So bright they're reflecting.
All the dreams you've ever believed.
Not for one moment do you think you're being deceived.
Just feeling this love and living this dream.
Without a care.
Without a worry.
Even though lies are methodically slipping out,
Slipping through their teeth.
I'm oblivious because this love has made me naive.
Made me vulnerable and weak.
Dependant on this new best friend.
Sharing personal thoughts, experiences, and wishes.
All to have you disappear.
The shock makes me unable to accept it.
In this second,
In this moment.
No more fields of wildflowers.
Now nothing but anger is growing.
Like a pesky weed.
I feel like I'm on fire.
Like I'm glowing.
Amber orange.
These positive thoughts are being forged.
Playing make believe,
Never ending fairy tales,
And prince charming's,
Leaves you sick, Pale, And frail.
Like you're lucky to find a cure to your rare disease.
In order for your body body to accept it,
It has to fit perfectly or your body will reject it.
Risking death for a chance to live.
Kind of like your fragile heart you choose to willingly give.
Without the guarantee of it being accepted.
Just like with life,
It may be taken for granted.
It may be stolen,
And lost for you to find on purpose.
Because its not about the destination.
Its about the journey.
So be careful what you wish for.
You may just receive.
It could be beautiful.
Or a painful relief.
A lesson meant to teach.
A barrier to breach.
In the middle of a class 5 rapid,
A branch to reach.
To open your eyes.
Appreciate.
That at the end of each day,
You get what you truly need.
Everything's going to be ok.
So if you nothing left.....Keep your faith.
Hold onto a reason to believe.
 

Free To Be Me 6/13

Hope resides in the smallest corner inside of me.
Every truth is distorted.
Hard to believe.
The feeling of wanting to run creates anxiety.
My mind is clustered with insanity.
Over thinking everything when I lay my head down at night.
It begins again in the morning before I even open my eyes.
My seemingly perfect self image creates expectations.
Boundaries.
I want to shave my head.
Be free.
Let my hair fall to the floor along with every tear.
Walk away with my head held high.
Leaving them there.
On the floor where they belong.
Not on my face.
I don't care anymore if I win this rat race.
I'm doing me at any and all costs.
No strings.
No masters.
I'm the boss.
I say how it goes from now on.
I'll show you more than you ever believed,
Past these straight teeth and this blonde.
I bet as you're reading this it feels like a song.
And I guess you could say that.
Regardless, I'm getting it out.
Like I'm spitting tacks.
Nails without a doubt.
Seems as if I'm derailing.
But its in fact the exact opposite.
I'm clearing my thoughts.
Crossing T's.
Dotting I's I forgot.
Remembering who I truly am.
The minute the pen reaches my hand.
These thoughts are pouring out on paper,
Like its going to be the only thing to save me later.
To remember my journey.
Keep the peace.
Feel the harmony.
Listen to the melodies.
This is my remedy.
My crazy pill.
The sunshine that is always waiting over the hill.
I let go.
Even for seconds.
Stepping foot off the airplane at extreme altitudes.
Flying.
Falling
Free.
Not every time is a perfect landing.
But the minute its over you want to do it again.
Why?
Because you felt completely alive.

Not Today 7/13

My heart is racing.
My palms are sweating.
I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
Delirious.
A little numb.
Wondering whats to come of this appointment.
Just one more day.
One more specialist.
Praying it doesn't once again end in disappointment.
Maybe there's a good reason Ive chosen o live my life for others.
Always feeling alone.
Sick.
And smothered.
I always thought it was the ugly world that took my breath away.
Making it hard to breathe.
But maybe It's not.
Maybe I'm not as immune as I thought I was.
Maybe a real sickness is the cause.
Making me feel as if I'm dying every single day.
Talking and moving so fast people can't understand me.
I never seem to run out of words to say.
Preaching,
Teaching so desperately and I'm not even sure why I care so much if you hear me.
Maybe this life even in waking state was so miserable,
Especially when I sleep,
To make me the strongest I could be.
Because I never could have known this could happen to me.
I should know.
Considering how Ive chosen to live my life.
It doesn't matter what age,
We all die.
But why speed the process?
I was careless.
Thoughtless.
Didn't think about how one day I would have a daughter one day.
And maybe leave her motherless.
An orphan.
Leave her to possibly grow to have the same feelings I had.
Thankful she has her dad.
But nothing can replace the person who gave you life.
I don't want to die.
Just when that thought is processed,
And a system is set in place,
It's all erased.
Fading.
With every word they are speaking.
Saying.
Poking,
Prodding.
To find their own answers.
TO questions that are necessary.
To come to a conclusion that I'm not delusional.
I'm not crazy.
Something inside is in fact literally eating me alive.
Beating me.
Failing me.
You can try hard as you might,
But you might not have all the weapons you need to win this fight.
I just want to breathe normally.
I want to wake up everyday and see the light.
I pray to God it is not my time.
I'm not ready to go just yet.
I'm not ready to have to fight for my life.
I will never again take life for grated.
Or be so naive and underestimate,
What a true fight,
Consists of.
Hold your family close.
The only thing good in this world,
Is LOVE.

Into The Wild 6/13

Standing in the open.
I can breathe.
I see blue above me.
All around me,
It's green.
So beautiful.
This moment makes it almost seem as if the bad doesn't exist.
It doesn't desperately make me want to search for doors.
For any exit.
I feel peaceful.
I feel sober.
I feel calm and somber.
I smell fire.
I hear water.
Sitting right next to me,
My daughter.
Witnessing this with me.
Appreciating it just the same.
Because the same blood runs through our veins.
I hear birds.
Talking. Chirping. Singing.
In the distance,
I just heard a dog barking.
I like to write about these moments in my life.
As letters.
Even after I die.
I want to be remembered.
Forever.
I want to write more about the good moments in my life.
Instead of the bad.
For when I need to look back.
And then I wont have to without feeling sad.
In these private moments,
These words are all I have.
To keep myself lifted.
To feel like I don't need to depend on another.
When I do,
It always has a way of making me feel smothered.
I want to be alone.
I want to be free.
Like Alexander SuperTramp.
Into the wild is where I need to be.
At peace.
With just the simple beauty.
Without the people that create hardships and struggles in your life.
Northern lights.
Alaskan skies.
The most beautiful place on planet Earth.
And what's the saddest part?
I've never even been.
It's just something I feel so passionately from within.
Maybe because I'm craving oxygen.
It's hard to breathe living in the city.
The sky scrapers that block the sun rise.
The sirens, Trains, And Plains.
Garbage. Trash. Rats.
It makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.
Living an automatic existence.
Is never ok.
Fight the resistence.
Look deep inside and remember what you dreamed of as a child.
Remember playing outside.
In the woods, Filthy city, Or in the wild.
What is the definition of fun, To you?
Play your music loud.
Whether It's country, Rock, Hip hop, Classical, Or the Blues.
It always has a way of bringing out the joy in you.
Think in your head everyday,
That today is your last day to live.
Tomorrow you'll be dead.
It will bring a force from within you didn't even know existed.
You will not only think of how your wallets getting thin.
Cash is what makes this life go so fast.
Slow it down.
One day you're throwing your cap, wearing a gown.
The next you're watching children of your own do the same.
They are leaving you now.
Because they are grown.
And your time is now fastly running out.
You begin a mid life crisis full of doubt.
Before you get to roads that are much more traveled,
Maybe we should all take a look from this world in an opposite position.
Doesn't it seem so shallow?
And lifeless.
Breathless.
Worthless.
Teach your children how life truly should be lived.
Not just when you're a kid.
 

Love Sick 6/13

Love.
What a joke.
Nothing but a loss of control.
Choking you.
Until you puke.
The good moments,
Don't outweigh the pain of the heartache from bad ones.
They leave you feeling completely numb.
Gone.
Hating life.
They put a beautiful ring on your left hand.
Claiming you like property.
As a "Wife".
When most day's are more than a struggle.
The longest strides.
Afraid of liars.
Or the opposite.
Totally innocent.
And naive.
Believing,
In this fairytale ending.
Like Cinderella and her glass slipper.
When in reality It's your night gown and slippers.
Living everyday for everyone but yourself.
Tearing yourself into pieces trying to make it work.
When inside,
You're hiding how much it hurts.
Because you're mom.
There is no one else to lean on.
Having to become a solid rock.
Almost as cold as stone at times.
Just to make it through the struggles in this life.
Where you're trying to be the perfect wife.
The perfect mother.
When you're the one who feels smothered.
Like you're drowning.
And then here comes another prince charming.
Promising promises that were never meant to be kept.
Kissing and cuddling in the morning after you've slept.
Checking in to see how your day is going.
Making you feel as if you matter.
With what they are displaying. Offering. Showing.
And then one day your phone doesn't ring.
Days go by and suddenly you feel an urge to cry.
To question yourself.
To wonder why.
I thought you were a good guy.
They are like one in a million.
Disguised.
Driving Subaru's and Mustangs.
Like white stallions.
Leaving trails of pain everywhere they race.
And then crazy gets thrown in your face.
Whats wrong with you?
Why do you have a heart?
Why do you have feelings?
I thought we meant no strings?
I thought I could use you.
Emotionally abuse you.
Mind fuck you.
Then leave you.
Why is that not ok?
I don't care what you have to say.
It's just me.
My life.
Fuck your feelings right?
No.
Fuck you!
For everything you put girls like me through.
I didn't need to be stuck to you like glue.
I choose to.
Believing in what you were deceiving.
Like a panther stalking the weak.
Like I'm cattle.
Like I'm sheep.
Sometimes even forcefully putting me to sleep.
Like I'm yours to keep.
Like you can do whatever you want with me.
I hate some men at times.
Pigs.
They eat women just as similar as pigs with their food.
No limits.
No standards.
Taking a break after literally getting sick.
I will never again believe in a man.
Or in love.
If I love myself enough,
I will never need it from another.
And I will never again have to feel these feelings.
Or lay underneath a man using me.
Making me feel completely smothered.
I'm stronger than I believe to be.
Because I'm a mother.
I have no choice but to be.
So please,
Painfully watch me walk away and leave.
Leave you,
Standing here like a fool.