Free To Be Me 6/13

Hope resides in the smallest corner inside of me.
Every truth is distorted.
Hard to believe.
The feeling of wanting to run creates anxiety.
My mind is clustered with insanity.
Over thinking everything when I lay my head down at night.
It begins again in the morning before I even open my eyes.
My seemingly perfect self image creates expectations.
Boundaries.
I want to shave my head.
Be free.
Let my hair fall to the floor along with every tear.
Walk away with my head held high.
Leaving them there.
On the floor where they belong.
Not on my face.
I don't care anymore if I win this rat race.
I'm doing me at any and all costs.
No strings.
No masters.
I'm the boss.
I say how it goes from now on.
I'll show you more than you ever believed,
Past these straight teeth and this blonde.
I bet as you're reading this it feels like a song.
And I guess you could say that.
Regardless, I'm getting it out.
Like I'm spitting tacks.
Nails without a doubt.
Seems as if I'm derailing.
But its in fact the exact opposite.
I'm clearing my thoughts.
Crossing T's.
Dotting I's I forgot.
Remembering who I truly am.
The minute the pen reaches my hand.
These thoughts are pouring out on paper,
Like its going to be the only thing to save me later.
To remember my journey.
Keep the peace.
Feel the harmony.
Listen to the melodies.
This is my remedy.
My crazy pill.
The sunshine that is always waiting over the hill.
I let go.
Even for seconds.
Stepping foot off the airplane at extreme altitudes.
Flying.
Falling
Free.
Not every time is a perfect landing.
But the minute its over you want to do it again.
Why?
Because you felt completely alive.

Not Today 7/13

My heart is racing.
My palms are sweating.
I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
Delirious.
A little numb.
Wondering whats to come of this appointment.
Just one more day.
One more specialist.
Praying it doesn't once again end in disappointment.
Maybe there's a good reason Ive chosen o live my life for others.
Always feeling alone.
Sick.
And smothered.
I always thought it was the ugly world that took my breath away.
Making it hard to breathe.
But maybe It's not.
Maybe I'm not as immune as I thought I was.
Maybe a real sickness is the cause.
Making me feel as if I'm dying every single day.
Talking and moving so fast people can't understand me.
I never seem to run out of words to say.
Preaching,
Teaching so desperately and I'm not even sure why I care so much if you hear me.
Maybe this life even in waking state was so miserable,
Especially when I sleep,
To make me the strongest I could be.
Because I never could have known this could happen to me.
I should know.
Considering how Ive chosen to live my life.
It doesn't matter what age,
We all die.
But why speed the process?
I was careless.
Thoughtless.
Didn't think about how one day I would have a daughter one day.
And maybe leave her motherless.
An orphan.
Leave her to possibly grow to have the same feelings I had.
Thankful she has her dad.
But nothing can replace the person who gave you life.
I don't want to die.
Just when that thought is processed,
And a system is set in place,
It's all erased.
Fading.
With every word they are speaking.
Saying.
Poking,
Prodding.
To find their own answers.
TO questions that are necessary.
To come to a conclusion that I'm not delusional.
I'm not crazy.
Something inside is in fact literally eating me alive.
Beating me.
Failing me.
You can try hard as you might,
But you might not have all the weapons you need to win this fight.
I just want to breathe normally.
I want to wake up everyday and see the light.
I pray to God it is not my time.
I'm not ready to go just yet.
I'm not ready to have to fight for my life.
I will never again take life for grated.
Or be so naive and underestimate,
What a true fight,
Consists of.
Hold your family close.
The only thing good in this world,
Is LOVE.

Into The Wild 6/13

Standing in the open.
I can breathe.
I see blue above me.
All around me,
It's green.
So beautiful.
This moment makes it almost seem as if the bad doesn't exist.
It doesn't desperately make me want to search for doors.
For any exit.
I feel peaceful.
I feel sober.
I feel calm and somber.
I smell fire.
I hear water.
Sitting right next to me,
My daughter.
Witnessing this with me.
Appreciating it just the same.
Because the same blood runs through our veins.
I hear birds.
Talking. Chirping. Singing.
In the distance,
I just heard a dog barking.
I like to write about these moments in my life.
As letters.
Even after I die.
I want to be remembered.
Forever.
I want to write more about the good moments in my life.
Instead of the bad.
For when I need to look back.
And then I wont have to without feeling sad.
In these private moments,
These words are all I have.
To keep myself lifted.
To feel like I don't need to depend on another.
When I do,
It always has a way of making me feel smothered.
I want to be alone.
I want to be free.
Like Alexander SuperTramp.
Into the wild is where I need to be.
At peace.
With just the simple beauty.
Without the people that create hardships and struggles in your life.
Northern lights.
Alaskan skies.
The most beautiful place on planet Earth.
And what's the saddest part?
I've never even been.
It's just something I feel so passionately from within.
Maybe because I'm craving oxygen.
It's hard to breathe living in the city.
The sky scrapers that block the sun rise.
The sirens, Trains, And Plains.
Garbage. Trash. Rats.
It makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.
Living an automatic existence.
Is never ok.
Fight the resistence.
Look deep inside and remember what you dreamed of as a child.
Remember playing outside.
In the woods, Filthy city, Or in the wild.
What is the definition of fun, To you?
Play your music loud.
Whether It's country, Rock, Hip hop, Classical, Or the Blues.
It always has a way of bringing out the joy in you.
Think in your head everyday,
That today is your last day to live.
Tomorrow you'll be dead.
It will bring a force from within you didn't even know existed.
You will not only think of how your wallets getting thin.
Cash is what makes this life go so fast.
Slow it down.
One day you're throwing your cap, wearing a gown.
The next you're watching children of your own do the same.
They are leaving you now.
Because they are grown.
And your time is now fastly running out.
You begin a mid life crisis full of doubt.
Before you get to roads that are much more traveled,
Maybe we should all take a look from this world in an opposite position.
Doesn't it seem so shallow?
And lifeless.
Breathless.
Worthless.
Teach your children how life truly should be lived.
Not just when you're a kid.
 

Love Sick 6/13

Love.
What a joke.
Nothing but a loss of control.
Choking you.
Until you puke.
The good moments,
Don't outweigh the pain of the heartache from bad ones.
They leave you feeling completely numb.
Gone.
Hating life.
They put a beautiful ring on your left hand.
Claiming you like property.
As a "Wife".
When most day's are more than a struggle.
The longest strides.
Afraid of liars.
Or the opposite.
Totally innocent.
And naive.
Believing,
In this fairytale ending.
Like Cinderella and her glass slipper.
When in reality It's your night gown and slippers.
Living everyday for everyone but yourself.
Tearing yourself into pieces trying to make it work.
When inside,
You're hiding how much it hurts.
Because you're mom.
There is no one else to lean on.
Having to become a solid rock.
Almost as cold as stone at times.
Just to make it through the struggles in this life.
Where you're trying to be the perfect wife.
The perfect mother.
When you're the one who feels smothered.
Like you're drowning.
And then here comes another prince charming.
Promising promises that were never meant to be kept.
Kissing and cuddling in the morning after you've slept.
Checking in to see how your day is going.
Making you feel as if you matter.
With what they are displaying. Offering. Showing.
And then one day your phone doesn't ring.
Days go by and suddenly you feel an urge to cry.
To question yourself.
To wonder why.
I thought you were a good guy.
They are like one in a million.
Disguised.
Driving Subaru's and Mustangs.
Like white stallions.
Leaving trails of pain everywhere they race.
And then crazy gets thrown in your face.
Whats wrong with you?
Why do you have a heart?
Why do you have feelings?
I thought we meant no strings?
I thought I could use you.
Emotionally abuse you.
Mind fuck you.
Then leave you.
Why is that not ok?
I don't care what you have to say.
It's just me.
My life.
Fuck your feelings right?
No.
Fuck you!
For everything you put girls like me through.
I didn't need to be stuck to you like glue.
I choose to.
Believing in what you were deceiving.
Like a panther stalking the weak.
Like I'm cattle.
Like I'm sheep.
Sometimes even forcefully putting me to sleep.
Like I'm yours to keep.
Like you can do whatever you want with me.
I hate some men at times.
Pigs.
They eat women just as similar as pigs with their food.
No limits.
No standards.
Taking a break after literally getting sick.
I will never again believe in a man.
Or in love.
If I love myself enough,
I will never need it from another.
And I will never again have to feel these feelings.
Or lay underneath a man using me.
Making me feel completely smothered.
I'm stronger than I believe to be.
Because I'm a mother.
I have no choice but to be.
So please,
Painfully watch me walk away and leave.
Leave you,
Standing here like a fool.

Elements 3/13

The elements of Earth,
Are similar to emotions.
Earth, Air, Fire, Water.
Like your life.
When your suffering.
The Earth is when things are out of your control.
Air is when its taken from you.
Making it harder to breath.
Fire is when inside your burning.
From pain, Anger, Hurting.
And water is for every tear that has fallen from your face.
Living in such harsh enviorments,
You learn a way to adapt.
Under different circumstances,
It's not always how you would,
Or should normally react.
The sun never stays forever.
There is bound to be bad weather.
No matter where you reside,
Its all a matter of how you deal with it on the inside.
Sometimes choices mean life or death.
Holding so tight onto what little you have left.
Nothing can make you feel open,
Feel free.
Not even the jaws of life can bring a release.
You have to dig deep.
To find meaning.
In everything.
From finding yourself,
Or the weather that mother nature has dealt.
Even if its a slow moving storm,
Its soon to pass.
Hold hope like its one of your precious belongings.
Embrace the impact,
After falling.
Never let it hurt you for nothing.
Learn.
Stop fighting.
Stop running.
You can't outrun mother nature on foot.
Your answers are there,
Covered in black soot.
Blow it away.
Discover what that inner voice is trying to say.
And then listen to it.
To understand a language,
You don't need to be totally fluent.
Bits and pieces can eventually get you to come to a conclusion.
Telling yourself you'll get through it,
Is not enough.
You have to put in work to keep up.
Even when you're completely out of breath.
You're entire body is aching.
When you literally feel like death.
You have to push through.
Because just over that hill,
The sunrise is waiting for you.
Appreciate the dry days like you do when the sun comes.
Because before you know it,
It will start snowing.
The coldest winter you've ever experienced.
Paying the consequence.
For not being prepared.
Stepping outside,
You're frozen solid by the freezing air.
No chance of defrosting until summer is once again here.
Open your eyes.
Open your heart.
Open your ears.
Let the element of wind,
Blow away your fears.
Fight that fire with every tear that you've cried.
Don't ever let water go to waste.
For once,
Maybe if you fight,
You'll discover you can live with a dry face.
And maybe for once,
Everything will finally be ok.

The Ugly Duckling 3/13

Raindrops like acid.
You hate yourself.
So you're fasting.
Casting a spell of punishment upon yourself.
Conducting your own train to hell.
Somewhere along the line,
Your mind was infected.
With some sort of virus.
Your skin is burning.
Like its suffering from psoriasis.
Hives head to toe.
From stress.
Its all over your body.
Making you feel as if everyone notices.
Your reflection is like a tiger in full pounce,
Coming straight for your face.
You are your own worse critic.
To yourself, You're a disgrace.
With the most hideous face.
Despite the blond hair and straight teeth.
Inside, inside your mind,
You feel crazy.
You feel different.
You feel ugly.
You feel far from heaven sent.
At times,
You feel like the devil lives inside your soul.
You're afraid of everything.
Especially growing old.
Running out of time.
Being left behind.
Never obtaining the love you need.
Living in a zoo.
Never free.
Far from society.
It kills your soul.
If your dimensions aren't Barbie's,
You look awful.
You cant wear white,
Because it becomes stained brown.
From all of that bronzer,
To try and change your frown.
Little do you know,
You hold that needed key.
To release you free to be who you're literally dying to be.
Your acceptance is the key.
Forgiveness comes next.
For allowing yourself to fail.
To not always be the best.
Admitting you don't have all the answers,
Makes you humble.
In life,
You are meant to hurt, trip, fall, stumble.
If there is no pain, There is nothing to gain.
Without your humility,
You're living in vane.
Spend your time wisely.
Stop worrying about your outward beauty.
Focus on what matters.
The inward beauty.
And always remember,
You hold the key to unlock those shackles around your feet to break free.
Run as far as you can......

Something More 5/13

What I'm learning is amazing.
It's like watching a meteor shower.
While star gazing.
Overwhelmingly beautiful.
At times, Excruciatingly painful.
Every road is meant to be traveled.
Rock, Dirt, Gravel, Or asphalt.
There's a reason for every down fall.
I feel amazed that I am breathing air at this moment.
In fact, Despite the pain, I'm glowing.
Receiving is only worth it when giving it in return.
It's like a gift in itself.
Lessons learned.
From people you choose to pick up,
Or keep by your side.
Throughout this thing we call life.
It's so much more than life in fact.
This body is the only one you've had.
Though you've had many souls before this.
Some happy.
Some angry.
Some sad.
I feel we are put back into this cycle,
To finish unfinished business from a life that was ended before it was ready.
Too heavy of a burden to bury.
So its born again.
To live again.
To learn again.
What keeps me curious,
Is why we are built up to be the best we can be for.
Is it golden gates.
Or just another door.
It is for wings to fly free.
Or a decision to make when you're handed a key.
Do you return again, To help.
Or find your own peace.
So that you can "rest", Finally.
I'm choosing to embrace everything I hate in this life.
To find some sort of peace of mind.
I'm no longer going to stay silent.
When words are meant to be spoken.
No longer going to let my life be violent.
Like a horror film.
I'm going to love myself.
Respect myself.
Help people with similar hands dealt.
Because I will never forget how it felt.
To feel so alone in such a crazy world.
To feel helpless.
Just being one girl.
The next time I hear water running through a stream,
Buried in an enchanted Forrest,
I'm going to mentally record it.
Appreciate it.
Love it.
The smallest moments in life,
Can build the overall bigger picture.
If you pay attention.
Your eyes always in motion.
Your heart open.
Your mind free.
From the lies told by our society.
You'll find your purpose,
Eventually.
Have faith.
Believe.
That there is something more.