Floating Hearts Popped With Darts 2/13

Breathless.
Feeling helpless.
Tired.
I'm charred, But alive.
Ive just put the fire out.
The burning pain,
Is still making me want to scream in pain.
Hatred, Disgust, Rage, Bleeding in my vanes.
Rainbows, Colors, God,
Is replaying like a movie reel in my brain.
A well oiled machine keep it maintained.
But the thoughts of you are driving me insane.
Like driving through the roughest terrain.
Bouncing up, down, left, right, and back down again.
My head is starting to pound.
I swear when i land, I'm kissing the ground.
Memories flashing fast with every road sign.
Every mile post.
Where the hell are you?
You're gone when I need you the most.
With every inhale of deceivingly seems to be fresh breath,
It's just pushing me closer to my death.
Driving faster and faster hoping to outrun this devil.
Knowing if I stop,
I might as well grab the shovel.
Dig my own grave 6 feet deep.
Lay down and willing go to sleep.
I can't feel the pedals anymore.
My feet are pressed all the way to the floorboard.
Palms sweaty, Fingers tight.
Griping the only thing that's keeping me from death or life.
Racing you.
Forcing you out of my mind.
The only light is coming from my headlights.
Ive never been so scared.
So alone.
In the middle of the night.
You can only run for so long.
Eventually you're gonna run out of gas.
With no money in your pocket,
You're forced to stop.
You're own your own.
Sitting in silence.
Waiting for the violence.
To catch up to you.
In your ear you hear quiet violins.
Head down.
Hair in face.
Tears falling like they are in they're own race.
Landing in your lap.
Settling in your jeans.
The sun is rising.
As you're prepared for this death for your own life.
Prepared to fight.
You wake only to realize,
This time, it was only a dream.
It doesn't stop your heart from beating to fast.
Skipping beats.
As smart as you are,
You know he'll be back tomorrow.
To meet you in your dreams.
In waking state, It's not too much of a difference.
It all seems the same.
You gave a broken girl hope.
And then shattered her soul.
You're right, I am insane.
I'm insane for letting you in when I was 8.
Parasailing until you come back.
Calling my name.
Being the savior that I like to be,
I can't look at you, Who is also broken,
And leave you to the fate of which you left me.
Stranded.
In the largest, Meanest, vast open angry seas.
Artic, Indian, Pacific, Atlantic, terrified and frantic.
The anxiety we share is multiplied by fear.
I wanted to save yours, So I kept them all for me.
Stayed in darkness.
When I could have been in the clear.
Overwhelmed and out of breath.
Ultimately the cause of death;
She died of being broken and lost her soul that sunny day,
When she was 8 years old.
Only elementary.
She could have been so beautiful on the contrary.
Guilty of believing,
A boy could have saved her life.
With that thought, She was then left to die.

Purgatory 11/12

I've spent my whole life wanting to die.
Until now.
I wish to stay alive.
To have what I've always dreamed.
To have my own family.
To be a devoted wife and mother.
Raise my children with a beautiful father.
I used to look at life without its beauty.
Only using ways to get by.
I wasn't seeing birds flying high.
Tree's so green.
Sunny blue skies.
I wasn't seeing that the struggle in life,
Is what makes it worth it.
These are thing's I'd never thought I'd admit.
I found the last puzzle piece.
And it fits.
That puzzle piece is me.
Quoted from a friend.
Every jagged edge.
From memories that built me.
Some I'd like to forget.
Though the intense burn,
Is similar to the twisting of each turn.
When you're in so much pain.
You just want it to stop no matter what the cost.
Feeling confused.
Feeling lost.
Is all part of his plot.
Our life is in our own hands.
Despite his plan.
In control of this narrow road.
Winding so many times your head is turning.
Spinning.
Your suddenly feeling extremely dizzy.
Sometimes we miss roads.
Life becomes to busy.
To stop and take a look inside.
Know who you are and what is that you want before we die.
If your lucky enough to keep up with time.
To dream and look forward to them.
Working 9-5 everyday instead.
For a lousy paycheck.
That barely gets you by.
Forgetting your own dreams.
Feeling hallow inside.
Steel plates forming around your body.
Arms, Legs, Torso, Face.
You're a robot now.
Without a name.
It's never too late to change your fate.
Until your time runs out,
Do what's in your heart without a doubt.
It's the only way to brighter days.
never worry what others may think.
They're looks and judgment will make you heavy.
And eventually sink.
They say we only use half our brains.
Imagine the possibilities.
Take the time to use it.
Exercise it.
Think.
Everyday of clever new ways to help you not stray.
Time is never on our side.
So ask yourself what it truly is that you want before you die.
Find your faith.
Tell your story.
Don't end it with unfinished business.
Or you're likely to live in purgatory.

Chaos - 7/30/12

I'm learning that as you grow.
Sometimes you are left alone.
From letting people go.
Whatever the reason.
It saddens me.
That trust is such a gift lately.
At times It's hard to know what you should believe.
Blind faith is scary.
So is being lonely.
The darkness brings out the monsters.
The pitch black makes you over react.
Try to stay sane.
Keep it all together.
Keep it all in tact.
Staying strong when you're walking through the pitch black.
Not letting your mind take over.
Leaving you vulnerable.
An easier target to take down.
Praying on fears.
Literally just a piece of meat now.
Not the best piece of meat because you've been feed the wrong things.
A feeling of being hallow.
But living in the body of a human being.
I feel like my brain and my body are constantly doing different things.
Never In sync.
Always sitting right on the brink.
The brink of disaster.
Running from flood waters.
With so much time to think.
You start to sink.
Fast.
Nothing to pull you up because nothing has lasted.
Everything changes at such a rapid pace.
Why am I so different.
Or see life so differently.
Maybe I really am crazy.
Might as well be locked within white walls.
It wouldn't stop the falling.
Maybe it would give me time to catch my breath.
Or time to work on being my very best.
But best for who.
For me. Or for you.
Everyone always tells you to not let others thought be what creates you.
But is there really another way.
Because at the end of the day.
When you go against the grain.
People look at you like you're a psycho.
Like they don't know what's going wrong with your brain.
Why can you only think of negativity.
Well, maybe because that is the only thing that has ever surrounded me.
It's what tries drowning me.
Blowing out my knee's.
Constantly on a different level.
It's like punishment that's mid evil.
A silent suffer is the absolutely worse kind.
When you have to hide it.
Keep it all inside.
You have a life.
A family.
You have no time.
So for now.
I will stand here in this chaos.
And just wait for it to quiet down.

The End Of My Time 7/30/12

How do you deal with heart ache.
I guess it would depend on how it breaks.
Or who may have broke it.
Life is a road of sorrows.
The moments of pure happiness are few and far in between.
Because let's face it.
We are alone.
We are not together.
Most don't have the support from a team.
Bills pile up.
Loved ones pass.
Its no longer half full.
It's not even a clear glass.
life is no longer filled with imagination.
Or usually a moment of relaxation.
No longer an awesome dream.
A dream you don't want to wake up from.
Its just too good to be true.
Theres' some people, Maybe unlike you,
Who these moments rarely happen to.
For reasons only known by God.
You were chosen for this life.
A life where maybe you were never meant to bear your own children.
You were never meant to be a wife.
And its not at all like when your ten. For play. For pretend.
Possibly put on this earth for bigger reasons.
Maybe to save others lives.
At times the world can look so calm.
Seems to only be at night.
Then comes dawn.
Most start their day with a routine.
And never break away from that.
Living life and not thinking about how its over so fast.
I can't help but to constantly want answers for every one of my million questions.
Eventually its going to be like running out of gas with no near by gas station.
I'm tired. Really tired.
It's hard to find things left that I completely admire.
I feel like my own dreams were smothered.
That doesn't matter now because I am a mother.
This is my purpose.
And I have never felt like life was more worth it.
Or more with living.
Until her.
Jocelyn Juelz is her name.
I didn't truly start living until that day.
August 13th 2010 at 10:49 she came.
I'm finding that the littlest things in life are what keeps holding the spot lights.
It's not always bad.
It's not always good.
But I'm thankful still.
Like I should.
Because I am here for her.
I am here as her guide.
And for that reason I will always work on whats inside.
To be my very best.
To love that I have a life.
Be thankful for my heart beat.
Thankful for hers.
To look forward to seeing loved ones lost.
When this life is over.
Accept that nothing will ever be like it was before.
Nothing lasts forever.
And not be scared when my time comes.
When It's all finally at its end.
When I drop dead to the floor.
Don't cry for me.
Because I am still living.
In my legacy.
In my daughter.
And I will forever be at peace knowing,
If nothing else,
I was an amazing mother.

Good Luck To Us 7/20/12

I look out my window and see so much life.
Everywhere.
There's a breeze that is blowing through my hair.
Fresh air.
Exactly what I need.
It makes it easier to breath.
To open my chest.
From not feeling so closed shut.
I decide it's time to walk outside.
I look up.
I see nothing but blue skies.
A few clouds that are slowly rolling by.
The sunshine is so warm.
At this moment, You feel no harm.
Lifting up your arms into the unknown.
Just like you did when you were 8.
Now you're grown.
With a little one of your own.
Trying to show her the beautiful things in this life.
Before you are gone.
I can not only hear the water that is close by,
I can smell it.
As you get closer the air gets cooler and you can literally feel it.
I find an old tree stump and chose to sit.
This moment is so peaceful.
All of the muscles in your body are relaxed and at ease.
Watching my daughter walk up to the water line.
Bend her knees.
As she has chosen to sit for herself to sit.
To feel the breeze.
The peace.
To feel it for herself.
I'm watching as the wind is blowing through the little hair she has.
Unlike her dad.
It's the same color I used to have.
The sun is shinning and reflecting the gold in her beautiful blond hair.
Nothing could capture this moment.
Not even a picture would be fair.
Nor will I ever need a picture to remember this moment.
I'm here to teach her.
But she is teaching me with what she is showing.
What she is peeling my eyes open to seeing.
Everything.
The good. The ugly. And everything in between.
At times it's painful.
it makes me want to scream.
Until she wakes up from a bad dream and wants nothing but her mommy.
In that moment, I feel like a super hero.
I will always be here to save her.
To give the other half of my Oreo.
To listen. To love.
To constantly willingly give.
To teach her how to forgive.
To be her best friend.
But most importantly her mother.
And never use that title to control or smoother.
To never take her for granted.
Never asking why she came before I was ready.
The tortus won the race with slow and steady.
I'm still learning everyday.
So I must give myself credit with every mistake.
I know we will make it through this.
Everything will be ok.
This moment proves that statement.
As we head back to reality and find the pavement.
I can't control the smile that your face brings to mine.
God could have never made a more perfect design.
You're absolutely beautiful.
In any light.
For you, I would give anything.
Including my soul. My life.
I want to not only raise you.
But i want to raise you right.
So you actually have a chance at a fulfilled life.
Every time we come to this spot.
I'm reminded of thing's life has let me forget.
I will always fight for you.
Love you.
Appreciate you.
I will never fail you.
Or let you fall.
I will always be here and never give up regardless of how hard this is.
You are my daughter and from this day forward.
I will never again allow myself to forget.
That the beauty of what you have brought to my life.
Is what your presence has forced me to become.
An absolute warrior.
Who they call mom.
The beautiful thing about building from the bottom.
Is that there is no where else to go but up.
Good luck to us.

When Two Worlds Collide 7/8/12

When two worlds collide.
Sometimes it creates wonders.
other times it brings rain clouds and thunder.
Everything happens for a reason.
But at the time, You don't see it.
Whether it's love or drugs.
Both are equally dangerous.
Physically strenuous.
Taking a toll on your body and mind.
Only left with a mind you now have to find.
Rediscover what this collision has forced on this encounter.
It's all in your perception of the world and the people are.
When you've been burned,
This place can be as hot as mars.
Making it almost impossible to breath.
So you keep searching for belief.
In hopes to find what's truly worth your heart out there.
But always finding people in world seem to be unfair.
Lying, Pretending, Re- in acting, failing, losing, blinded, careless, selfish,
But with good hearts.
Locked in time.
Shameless, Blameless, No accountability for inabilities.
Beautiful faces that will eventually receive clean slates.
Travel down new roads and experience new places.
If they choose to except.
There will be no more pain or living with regrets.
No more heart ache from goals that have not been met.
Your self worth will sky rocket like its taking off from NASA.
No holes left waiting to be filled that are absolutely massive.
In your hearts, Teeth, Or Brains.
No more accepting complacement.
Striving everyday for only better things in life.
Speaking of life, Being able to be here to live it because you were lucky enough to survive.
Taking life for granted is a scary thing to do.
Your backing God in a corner.
Now he's forced to show you.
That this life you are living will be no more.
You will eventually begin to find every door is locked.
Now your backed into the same corner he is.
You will start to feel like your losing it.
These walls are caving in.
Missing something, But what exactly you don't know.
You lost your faith.
Some how.
There's no light left.
Just an after glow.
Giving you very little time to react.
Do you cripple like a dying flower,
Or take a look inside, Turn you life around, and then continue to make a positive impact.
God didn't make us to be selfish and weak.
That's why the most important gift he gave us was the gift of belief.
When you believe, It opens your lungs making it easier to breath.
No more buckled knees.
No more drugs constantly running through your system.
Allowing you to cope in an un natural way.
No more loved ones with no words left to say.
Let go and let god.
When he forces a collision.
Trust and believe he has good reasons.

Addiction - 6/22/12

Drug addiction.
There is nothing to even say to describe the pain that's inflicted.
literally tearing through your soul on an angry rampage.
Leaving you stuck in chapter eight.
Unable to turn the page.
Time is in a sense almost stopped.
The person you were before them is long forgotten.
Even when children are involved it seems to hold little bearing.
The selfishness masks the brain.
Leaving the children parent less.
Which to them feels terrifying.
Like an animal in the wild who just lost their mother in a split moment.
They end up lost because they don't know which direction to go in.
Barely knowing how to even feed themselves.
Starving. In every way.
The addiction slowly but surely starts to control every aspect of your life.
Goals disappear and dreams are lost.
Finally have given up from exhaustion.
Now in one of the hardest battle to fight.
You're lucky if you manage to walk away repairing damage.
Creating somewhat of a normal life.
Usually most become lost forever.
Living in the dark.
Reliving every bad choice.
Still using excuses.
Drugs take over your entire brain.
Eventually leaving you useless.
All you can think about is money and how to get your next fix.
Because life is too hard.
You feel you just can't do this.
The second after that drug is released into your body.
You instantly feel a relief.
Kind of like prayer to some, In their beliefs.
Meanwhile the children here right by your side.
Are experiencing all of this first hand.
Feeling as if something is actually wrong with them.
You know there is, But they can't understand.
Until you get to an age old enough to figure it all out for yourself.
To finally have your answers.
Then comes anger.
How could you do this.
How could you abandon me.
Leaving me with strangers.
The addict is still running laps in their hamster wheel.
Not caring about anything or anyone.
because they have lost the ability to feel.
To feel for anyone besides their drug addict self.
Refusing anything positive.
Rejecting help.
The cycle repeats in families because you are the one left, Awkwardly standing.
Always trying to find the function that feels abnormal.
But having to come to the conclusion,
This addict made you this girl.
Created your vision of the world.
That the people in it are bad and don't care.
That I should walk with my head down.
Feeling scared.
They don't seem to understand what they are doing isn't fair.
If you think you have to be an addict to understand addiction.
You are wrong.
And I know this because these are event I was regretfully there to witness.