If Only We Are Brave 2/15

I don't want to be alone.
I don't think anyone does.
Regardless of the hate this world speaks of.
Especially when it comes to love.
We twist and torture Its true purpose.
We make it about us.
Us as individuals.
When Its purpose is so much more than that.
In fact,
Selfishness ruins most things.
As human beings,
We don't allow ourselves to be human.
Just following expectations and traditions.
No matter how wrong they are.
Or no matter how much our hearts,
Scream that these things are not what we need,
We inevitably listen.
Blindly following what feels comfortable.
Because of our abusive existence.
Even if It's not what you were born for.
Why don't we see perfect as a defect?
It should be.
Because it doesn't exist.
Our time on this planet is so precious.
Whats atrocious,
Is that we blame it all on whoever is our current president.
Where is the responsibility in it?
To not only ourselves,
But to our children.
Our planet.
The only we home that we have.
We blame thieves,
Murderers,
Cheating spouses,
Without asking why they cheated.
Murdered.
Or what caught stealing.
What are they missing?
Why are they hurting?
Answers will make it all stop.
Saving hurting people,
From hurting more people.
We just keep pushing along.
Never stopping.
To learn.
To pray.
To create.
To build.
To love.
To understand.
To travel.
To heal.
To feel the grass beneath your feet,
Or walk barefoot on gravel.
The stink from it.
I hear lately how people are awakening.
I can't tell you how much I pray for that everyday.
Because with the corruption and neglect in our world today,
The only way we will succeed together as a society,
Is the with effort made to create a massive social movement.
A movement for so much more than a corrupt and injustice system.
Lets start over.
Fix the karmic order.
And go back to the beginning.
Lets give the lands back to the Native American Indians.
Go back to when we traded.
When we cared.
When we appreciated.
When we loved our sisters and brothers.
When we looked to the stars,
Our Gods,
Ancestors,
History,
For answers.
Guidance.
A helping hand.
Don't you get it yet?
Even if "it" doesn't exist,
It does.
Just like time.
Or this planet spinning.
It's happening without you even realizing it.
That's why awakening is so important.
Don't wait until It's too late.
Start today.
Learn your neighbors name.
Ask them for a cup of sugar,
For old times sake.
Treat each other like we are a part of tribe.
A part of something incredibly special.
Because we are.
When a life is lost,
The sadness because of it,
Is massively intense.
You want to turn back time desperately.
Remember that each day upon awakening.
Because we can.
And those loved ones you lost,
Are still watching.
Proud or disappointed,
Doesn't change with your body being buried or cremated.
After It's gone and dissipated.
Souls remain.
Ask anyone who knows me deeply.
I know this for fact.
Because they choose to communicate with me.
Allowing me to see something many others don't.
I used to hide it.
Now I wont.
I'm crazy.
I'm a freak.
I'm annoying.
I'm privileged.
I'm hot.
I'm whatever you want me to be.
Your opinions are irrelevant to my being.
To my existence here.
Light bulbs pop.
Phone calls are dropped.
Pennies everywhere.
Whispers in my ear.
Gently pulling on my hair.
Visions of things I cant understand.
Horrible at times.
I question them.
Deciphering them.
Making sure I'm not an awful human being,
For those thoughts that just happened.
The craziest worlds,
Ly in my dreams.
Dying repeatedly,
Only to come back.
Like I'm a cat with nine lives.
Mystically black.
Black as the night.
But with perfect eye sight.
I don't know what is happening.
But all I know Is that I have to write about them.
This is my meditation.
My zen.
Like I'm straight out of Bethlehem.
Desperately trying to find my way home.
I feel others are too.
Some may look at it all and say oh boohoo.
But that is the problem.
Don't deny that you're hurting occasionally too.
Trying to hide it with cage fights, footballs, women, and hunting caribou.
Releasing your own frustrations on innocent animals.
That makes you mad, doesn't it?
That I just said that.
But here we go again,
With America's "default" setting.
Me, me, me.
I, I, I,
Do as I do,
Like what I like,
Or I want you to die.
Maybe not literally,
But emotionally.
I'll hate you for not being like me.
Now we can be friends right?
Because I'm just like you?
Because I'm doing what you want me to do?
When It's not beneficial,
The masses withdrew.
Every soul and heart has grown apart.
Look around you.
7 billion people.
And you think It's about you?
I know.
I do it sometimes too.
Can we all just stop.
For even a day.
And put what is right before dollar bills?
Or what this sick society says?
Having picnics with complete strangers.
Meeting their entire family.
Just to hear their story.
Buying a coat in the winter.
And handing it to a cold, homeless gentleman.
Spending the day at a hospital.
With cancer patients.
Along with your perfectly healthy child.
Volunteering.
Going home and non stop bawling.
Realizing you are so incredibly lucky.
For the smallest,
But most meaningful things.
We didn't come in alone.
Most were born,
Thanks to an entire team.
Even in that first moment,
When you take your first breath of oxygen.
So many hands play a role.
They take care of you and your courageous mother.
It makes me emotional too.
I would love nothing more than to live in such a beautiful world too.
It's time that we act like we are thankful.
Before you know it,
Life changes.
It's never the same.
In each second so many people die.
Just because you might live an amazing life,
Or haven't experienced the pain of losing so many loved ones,
Lived through the kind of pain,
Where you didn't know if you would ever find yourself again,
When you honestly felt like you were dying,
So please,
Don't forget about the rest of them.
This world,
And us people,
Are not perfect.
But we are worth it.
Seeing is believing.
And believing is brave.
Be brave.
Be there for each other.
Love a stranger.
It's never too late.
Fate and free will go hand in hand.
Stop living like those hands are bound.
March across the grounds.
A happiness we could never imagine exist somewhere out there.
Come with me.
Lets set out on a journey.
Lets find it.
Finally peacefully living in it.
Existing,
Is something entirely different.
Today is the day,
That my own life is forever changed.

This Floor 10/14

Birds chirping.
Wind blowing.
Mind racing.
Thoughts penetrating.
Deep into my heart and soul.
Ripping me apart until I'm lying all over this floor.
Reaching for the door.
Any door.
But instead,
I just lay on this floor.
With nothing to console.
Nothing to heal what's broken.
No medicine.
Just massive pain.
Searching desperately for things to accumulate.
To make me feel complete.
But even religion has yet to bring me release.
I'm lost and in desperate need.
Of a road sign.
A mile post.
A familiar face.
That I thought I needed most.
But that's in fact why I am lost.
Your face is distracting
I'm starting to panic.
I'm over reacting.
Like I should.
Because this is my life,
And I'm not even in control.
My heart lives somewhere else.
I'm constantly chasing it.
Trying to steal it back.
Like I'm playing a game of capture the flag.
I scream for release.
I pray for answers.
I passionately write about these experience's,
Because I know, you know.
You can feel it.
Some of you too,
Are living this.
Looking for luck like I'm gazing on stars.
That are light years away.
So far.
I'm running out of words to say in this moment.
Its hard to feel hopeful.
I just want to explode.
I then think about my little girl.
This fight is worth every second,
If I can teach her even one of these lessons.
My best friend.
And she's only 4 years old.
Incapable of selfishness or hatred.
Incapable of not loving you until its too late.
It was unconditional from the beginning.
My knees are aching.
My heart is beyond the point of breaking.
Its shattered all over this floor that I'm lying on.
Listening to music.
To bring some sort of comfort.
A boat in this raging storm.
A place to stay dry.
A place to wipe the tears from my own eyes.
Just how it has always been.
Before my daughter,
I was my best friend.
Spending far too much time alone.
More than some grown adults.
When I was a child.
Developing.
Developing into this broken person who fights everyday.
For the life that she knows she deserves.
She fights for a reason.
No matter how hard it is on bad days,
I will always tell myself I cannot return.
Its not an option.
Its never too late.
Get up.
And refuse to be broken.
Let life take you to places that force you to grow.
Let the pain out.
Let it show.
Be proud of it.
Because of it,
Your knowledge has tripled.
So as strange as it may be,
Be grateful for it.
All of it.
Especially the pain.
Without it,
Life and you,
Would never be the same.
There would be no incentive.
To live to the fullest.
Every single day.
Living like you are running out of them.

Prevention Pens 2/15

Here I am,
Sitting alone.
Although I don't feel alone.
The weight of the world is currently resting on my shoulders.
Or in my heart is more like it.
The heaviest boulders.
Gigantic rocks.
Giving my blood flow clots.
Blocking essential nutrients that my brain needs,
To properly function.
So I blast these pointless thoughts all over the world.
From one piece of paper.
One pen.
From one girl,
Who just cant seem to pretend.
On a rampage for reasons I seem to be unaware of.
Convinced I have all the answers,
But in reality,
I'm sick.
Like I'm living with an invisible cancer.
Slowly wasting away.
Everyday.
While preaching like what I have to say,
Can save me.
Not only you.
But me too.
I hope you know that,
When you find yourself feeling vulnerable or offended.
I don't know where exactly they come from.
All I know is that someone desperately wants me to tell you them.
I relate them to myself,
Because this is my body.
My mind.
I relate them to you,
Because maybe we are related.
A stranger.
Or just friend.
Either way,
The only thing I can say,
Is that we should listen.
I'm not sure why in all honesty.
Just another feeling.
Maybe I really am crazy.
That's hard for me to accept.
When it's all over,
I go back to feeling like the rest of them.
Depends on the moment I suppose.
Energy is everything.
Science.
Theories.
Imagination.
Exhausting the brain.
These messages are everything to me too.
I read them again and again.
Each time it's like I've never heard it before.
Like I have somehow forgotten.
But how do you forget something so extremely deep?
These words are the keys.
To all of these locks.
They are my bulldozer.
To remove these heavy rocks.
When I feel like I'm going to snap,
I grab a pen.
Because I know it wont be too long,
Before these words pour out.
Like they are lyrics to a song.
I go searching through the hundreds of them,
Even from my childhood.
I must say it's a little intense.
The older I get,
The longer they become.
At times I feel like I don't ever want to stop.
Times like right now.
But then society,
And this world on my shoulders,
Starts creeping in.
A flood of emotions that aren't mine.
From the masses begins to happen.
It interferes with my own thoughts.
Starts distracting me.
I think of your thoughts.
Feeling your feelings.
Like I'm psychic.
And it makes me want to stop.
But there is still a force inside that tells me not to.
So here I sit,
Talking to empty pages.
That feel like my very best friends.
Hoping to find things that I'm lacking,
Missing,
Or wishing for.
Just like you.
We aren't all that different.
No matter what religion.
Or what color your skin is.
Your sexual preference.
All of it really doesn't matter.
And if it does to some,
Love them even harder.
The evidence is overwhelming.
That people are so massively broken.
Bound by invisible chains.
Just the opposite of,
"On earth, as it is in heaven."
Living in hell.
Beneath the invisible dirt.
But you see them on top of the surface.
Silent screams that are so loud.
The only ones who can hear you are the crazy ones.
The people who others make fun of.
Maybe they are actually the "gifted."
Given more than 20/20 vision.
Given visions they cant explain.
So they are left to hide them.
Or try to describe them.
Live and deal with the intense criticism if you speak of it.
The hate.
From the judgmental ones.
Who just cant seem to wrap their brain around any of it.
Or to even try to make an effort to understand.
They cant accept.
Anything.
Living with their very own boulders.
Be aware of this.
And love them anyway.
Because even the strong wont want to admit it.
As I sit here and write that,
I feel them from the other side.
All around me.
Especially behind me.
Peering over my shoulder.
Writing these words with me.
Must be a fact.
I cant get them out fast enough.
Even through the mis - spellings.
I just keep moving.
I cant stop.
Until all of this does.
I have a feeling though that it wont.
Because these words are my purpose.
Maybe yours too.
So thank you for reading them.
We're sitting here together.
Even the ones invisible to the naked eye.
The ones that feel just as desperate as you.
Just as lost.
Scared.
They have yet too,
To see the other side.
Have faith.
I have a feeling that is overwhelming,
That we are ALL going to be alright.
With unconditional love,
You have nothing to be afraid of.
 

Words Are My Crazy Pills 1/15

Stretching.
Tearing.
Binding.
Racing.
Racing through life so fast.
There is never a minute to relax.
Feeling as if I have multiple lifetimes of work,
Jam packed into one.
For some unknown reason.
Left for me to find.

In this race and feeling as if I'm running out of time.
Some believe people who die young,
Feel it coming long before it actually happening.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm panicking.
Even with these thousands of words,
They wont ever be a fraction in comparison.
Of what I have discovered and experienced.

I always wondered,
Why me?
I spent my entire life filled with questions.
Negative emotions.
Controlling my abilities.
My free will.
Reducing me down to labels.
I have to fight the same society I have no choice but to survive in.
Because I am "different".

My society doesn't seem to usually like that.
They desperately try to mold you the minute they figure it out.
And when they cant,
You're tortured.
Ridiculed.
Whispers.
Fingers.
Rumors.
Enemies.
Disguised so well as best friends.
All to get close.
For information.

To fuel this blazing fire lit within most humans.
Ironically,
Even after death,
Negative energy is what gives evil spirits more energy.
To go around terrorizing.
It happens everyday.
Even before you die.
The only ones who seem to cannot be able to understand this,
Are the ones who were born in a horse drawn carriage.
They weren't mistreated.
Manipulated.
Abused.
They were held.
Consoled.
They were never treated like an animal.

Their perspective isn't their fault.
Because even as an adult,
Some of those perceptions are just too ingrained.
And changing,
Would mean abandoning,
Everything you ever knew.
Abandoning you.
You, yourself.
Having to leave that person behind.
Set out on a journey with nothing but the clothes on your back.
No money.
No love.
Not even for yourself.
The one you just abandoned.

Now you have to start over,
And learn how to have that all over again.
Experiencing it as a different person.
With a new perspective.
Nothing will ever be the same.
The complacent and comfortable ones,
Just aren't strong enough.
So the few left that are,
Huddle together,
Wishing on stars.
Spending everyday,
Exhausting ourselves,
Just to open a few eyes.
Or hearts.
However you look at it.

I wonder if any of them also have this feeling as if they are desperately running out of time?
Why else are we the only extremely passionate ones?
I try to make sense of everything that doesn't.
I want answers.
I want love.
Peace.
Justice.
And not just for me.
For everybody!
Without understanding,
Empathy,
And compassion,
We will never be a united nation.

Forget what your government tells you.
Its all lies and manipulation anyway.
They want you to grow up on welfare and food stamps.
There's no other reason,
Why a soldier of war,
Makes less than your average congressman.
Tupac once said,
"They got a war on drugs instead of a war on poverty so that the police can bother me".

Social workers, advertising children on craigslist.
Like they are a paycheck.
Police will never stop killing.
Without crime,
Even if there isn't one,
They don't get paid.
Filling food with cancer causing additives.
To make you sick.
So that you need medicine.
So that you need to see a doctor often.
An 8 week round of chemotherapy,
Costs roughly, 30,000.
Coincidence?

We haven't found even one cure to any form of cancer?
Susan G Komen,
Is donated to for no reason other than to fill the CEO's pockets.
They cant offer you breast screening,
But the CEO walks home with almost a half a million?
Nobody questions why history doesn't speak of pharmaceutical industries.
Purposely hurting you,
As it leaves a trail of money.
Your hard earned money.
Spending on average,
8 hours a day if your "lucky",
Away from your children and families.
The people who are most important.
For money that you never even see.
And when you do get to spend it,
On necessities especially,
So many are just left with nothing and struggling.
No rewards.
No vacations at Disneyland for deserving children.

Hard working citizens.
Men who spend their entire lives outside.
In every condition.
Breaking backs.
Building homes we lack the time to spend in.
The commercial building.
Where this robot life begins.
The public school system;
Where only a few short hours are what's needed,
For any decent curriculum,
But yet,
Children spend as much time at school,
As you do at work.
Practically being tortured.
Over worked.
For no reason.

Some children expiernce such horrible things because of absent adults.
Even at their "safe" school,
With their unsuspecting teachers.
Bullies exist in every single one of them.
We blindly follow hundred year old declarations,
Written by men in wings.
When so much has changed since then.
With how fast our world changes,
Have you ever wondered why that doesn't?
Or religion for that matter?
Have you ever wondered if Earth was an experiment?
How they know so much and hide it?
For what reason?
"Predictions" made by ancestors,
Seem to be nothing but stories.
The proof is disappearing.

History is being erased.
Changed.
Distorted.
Aborted.
You don't ever question whether your mind is unknowingly being controlled?
Before looking at me like I am crazy,
Go take a look around.....And then get back to me.
The only thing I do believe,
Is that we still have a chance to change these things.
If people chose to make a difference,
Then your children would be safer.
Happier.
The world could for once rejoice in laughter.
Instead of weeping together.

Decide today,
To never be the same.
To never be reduced to a label.
You are more than your body.
More than your mind.
You are more than a programmed robot without a face or name.
You are a human being.
With a face.
With a name.
With a family.
Find the courage to care more for anything besides yourself,
And that tiny contribution makes a large impact in this world.
I'm absolutely positive of that fact.

Food For Your Soul 1/15

This is for people of color.
I say that because without it,
Nobody will stop to hear it.
To see me.
Actually hear me.
As a colorless human being.
Understand me, for me.
Instead of basing every opinion,
Off of what you think when you look at me.
Thinking that beauty takes away from life expedience.
What this corrupt world has taught.
Or broken history has taught for that matter.
The public school system,
Is a laughing matter.
Then I became a mother,
Suddenly the world was colorless.
Most find all the beauty in those moments.
But I didn't.
I saw everything I didn't know I was scared of.
Apprehensive of.
Afraid of this world that my perfect daughter was just birthed in to.
I started ripping apart fairy tales.
Novels.
Book's.
Encyclopedia's.
Walking through spiritual worlds.
Learning history on my own free will.
Listening to insane theories.
Asking questions.
Living in fantasies.
And living obsessed with the science to everything.
I chose to not feel bliss, by ignorance.
I chose to see people,
And this world for what it is.
This life has nothing to do with anything other than money.
For so  many.
In some way eventually,
That's what it will come down to.
The ghettos.
The suburbs.
Religion.
Sickness and cancer.
Corrupt laws.
Stereo types.
The projects.
War.
Guns.
Drugs.
Violence.
Poverty.
There's no self love.
Raised from children,
To have and live with a certain perception.
Certain expectations.
Never led by example.
Becoming an adult,
For some,
That perception starts shattering.
Violently.
Making you angry.
Reckless.
And judgmental.
Or maybe for some,
That's just what they lived since they were an infant.
Raised with hate.
All of us.
All around us.
For or from, one thing to another.
Parents aren't super human.
But treated and expected to be as such.
And when the stitches start falling apart,
And the family tree starts crumbling,
The blame is misplaced.
From everything to rap music.
Models.
Social media.
Drugs.
Violence.
And I don't believe that's the case.
Influenced?
For some, maybe.
But the ultimate problem starts at home.
Nobody seems to be strong enough these days,
To take responsibility.
We are all just blaming cops for black people dying.
The statistics will show you,
Clearly there is a problem.
But is it really with race?
Or is it with stereo typing?
Of every race.
I would like to argue the white privilege label within my country.
Because although I'm not ignorant enough to know that it isn't non existent,
It exist because we all allow this bullshit.
We don't just allow it,
We fuel it.
Like we need it.
Some chose to forever be a victim.
Needing extra attention.
From a lack of self confidence.
Constantly needing reassurance from an entire nation.
If you think that me,
Being white means that I've never truly experienced racism,
You're nothing more than a self loathing hypocrite.
I too, get so much shit,
Than you could imagine,
All because of the color of my skin.
I'm not even just white.
I'm also Native American.
You don't think I'm frustrated too?
I'm no longer seen as a person by some,
But as an entire race when voicing my opinion.
At first,
The conversation or debate is rational.
And then frustration from different perspectives and perceptions,
Alters opinions and masks true feelings.
People will attack you.
Humiliate you.
If you wont bend and be or think like them.
Like being different than the masses should be a sin.
The unconditional love scares them.
Because of the minions living within them.
Negative souls don't just feed off of negative energy only after death.
Its all around us.
In every fast asleep, or waking moment.
So why is it when looking into faces,
That we just cant seem to look past races.
If our souls have color,
Then I would have to argue its the same as the rainbow.
I cant help but to see the world for what it really is,
But more than that,
See it for what it isn't.
What it could be.
If people could just lay down their personal belief's.
If they could be more open to something their mind doesn't understand or even believe.
Just like when we were children;
Living in these broken, thoughtless, public school systems,
We learned because we studied.
Building skills over time.
The problem in our world today,
Is entitlement.
And not just coming from some spoiled rotten children, of any color.
The greatest people in our history lived serving.
So what makes us think we are any different?
If you don't see me for me,
Based off of a nationality,
I cant change that.
I can only try to deliver my true feelings,
And break through the labels and stereo typing.
I'm sure there's some reading this right now,
With their own label gun firing upon me.
Working so hard.
Its jamming.
Again, making you feel frustrated.
I will never allow negative energy or color of any kind,
Get in the way of the practice of compassion.
Its not a skill we are born with.
And when I look around,
Or voice my opinion,
Then have my character shredded,
Is my evidence.
As a child,
I was taught to treat others, how you would like to be treated.
I always believed it.
By a mother who was raised by a racist father.
It nearly killed her to break the cycle.
When it came to hate.
She told us she loved us every single day.
Because love is more powerful than hate any day.
Don't try to argue that.
Because you're already too late.
I don't live in that kind of place.
I live in a place similar to the day of August 28th, 1963.
When Martin Luther King Jr delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech.
A place filled with faith and hope.
A place where love is the antidote.
A place where the love and acceptance we give one another,
Changes history forever.
Re printing children's history books all over the world.
Showing them that its never too late.
Showing them by being the example.
Martin is gone.
May his soul forever rest in peace.
Before looking at me,
Like these things wouldn't matter to me,
Look past my physical features.
Look past the surface beauty.
And see my rainbow colored soul.
 

December Rays 12/14

I'm sitting in a ray of sunshine.
Its December 14th.
2014.
There's still so much pain in the world.
So much hurting.
So much suffering.
Its not right to dwell,
But its not right to not acknowledge it as well.
How can you change something,
If you don't realize there's a problem?
Some place, where its all going wrong.
In order to organize,
Sometimes you just have to go back to the beginning.
No matter how bad you don't want to.
No matter how much it hurts you.
Like walking up current.
Its exhausting.
But its also liberating.
Finding answers.
And some that were never meant to be found.
I feel like that is the reason for what I see when I look around.
Without the pain,
The corruption,
The injustice,
We wouldn't have a purpose.
When people become complacent in large masses,
Bad things will happen.
Things like the Holocaust.
Those who went through it,
Earned respect.
Why was it only when they were tortured?
Why only when they die?
The biggest divide,
In this entire world is religion.
And I will never comprehend it.
Because why does it matter?
When there is this much suffering,
Wouldn't you hope for something better?
Don't you imagine it?
I do.
Everyday.
Its what gets me through most of the days.
Some seem to find that weak.
But this is where you pick up your feet,
And keep on moving.
Learning.
Discovering.
Asking questions.
Offering help.
Loving unconditionally.
Being larger than life itself.
I believe that's the purpose of those crispy thin lines of misunderstood words,
That some believe are nothing but lies.
Its not there to judge.
Its for you,
To look inside.
Pulling out everything that's beautiful.
And applying it with every waking moment.
When I see some who are in the worst pain,
I cant help but to notice,
Its because they don't realize they have a purpose.
They don't see how much they are worth it.
How much they are needed.
They want to question the only positive guide in this life.
And maybe it isn't some judgmental man in the sky.
Its as simple as energy.
Maybe our God,
Is all of us.
Every single one of us.
The ones before us.
Our ancestors.
A combined energy.
Of one.
So large,
And so expansive,
That it never ends.
Its what creates us.
And takes us.
It ends,
Just to begin again.
Sometimes when I think of the future,
I get confused.
Dizzy.
Because I don't feel like we are going forward.
I feel like we are going backwards.
Time is a thought in the first place.
So how can you not see that you have a purpose?
And for you to not question that purpose,
Is almost criminal.
Criminal and hurtful to only yourself.
So the next time I pull my bible off the shelf,
You can go ahead and look at me like I am desperately trying to find a reason.
Because I am.
I am appreciative of the time that I was given.
I know deep inside,
That this is not my home.
If I'm not mistaken,
The time spent here,
Is extremely short.
I feel as if these words at times,
Are my last resort.
To not become who society wants me to be.
As soft as silly putty.
As confused and angry as Hitler himself.
As helpless and as desperate as the million who are starving.
As lost as the drug addicts.
I don't blame them ironically.
As complacent and unaware as the masses.
I cant.
I let this infection run wild until its officially become an abscess.
There has to be a better place then this.
I have no intention of ever forgetting that.
I dream one day to live in it.
Before my time is over.....
I wish to spend my time here,
On this planet,
Loving.
Loving so hard that it hurts me.
So badly.
So deeply.
Repeatedly.

Is Death My Best Friend? 12/14

I've almost legitimately died,
Quite a few times.
The first, was when I was just two years old.
I climbed up on top of our fridge,
And drank an entire bottle of amoxicillin.
The second, was again, when I was just a child.
Years later, after this incident,
I had a severe allergic reaction to this same medicine.
I was lying on my kitchen floor.
I couldn't breathe.
My entire body was horribly itching.
The third was when I was 8.
I almost drowned in the pacific ocean on my birthday.
I was saved that day by strangers.
The fourth was some time before my teens.
My mom couldn't find my pulse.
So the ambulance was called.
I was fully awake.
The paramedics just stared at me.
In a strange disbelief.
Because there was nothing physically wrong with  me.
I simply, felt ill.
The fifth was a car accident.
My head went through double plated glass in the windshield.
Seconds earlier, I had been fighting with my seat belt.
I couldn't get it buckled.
It kept locking.
The sixth was when I tired to take my own life.
When I was still just a child.
I was being force fed pills.
By doctors who didn't know what else to do with my "crazy".
Little did I know,
They were the driving force behind my "crazy".
I struggled with body dysmporhia,
And self mutilation was my form of release.
I literally needed to see myself bleed.
When I think of it today,
That type of pain still hurts me.
Just not to that extreme.
The seventh was when I was attempted to be kidnapped by two Hispanic men.
They almost succeeded in getting me to a second location.
But I knew I would die.
So I tried to fight.
And I ran for my life.
The eighth was on a rafting trip.
Everything including myself,
Was thrown from the raft when it flipped on the first rapid.
It all happened within seconds.
Head first, I went in.
I went under.
I will never forget the sound.
The powerful sound of roaring thunder.
My face hit first.
Breaking my nose.
My left leg was wedged between two rocks.
In that moment,
Time seemed to be stopped.
I opened my eyes under the water.
All I could see was white.
White everywhere.
I could feel my own hair.
Brushing my face and my shoulders.
I felt it in slow motion.
Just like in the movies,
Or legends we are told of,
My life didn't flash before my eyes,
But what did,
Was the minutes before we had all gotten in.
I watched in slow motion as this rope I was entangled in,
Desperately holding onto underwater,
Was slowly pulled,
(While captured in still photos)
From every rubber loop of that inflatable boat.
I opened my eyes again,
As I immediately let go of that rope.
As I floated underwater,
And thought of life and death,
I made a choice.
That I wanted to survive.
Everything that was wrong in my life,
Was temporarily forgotten.
I wanted to live.
I started ripping on my own leg.
Trying to get it un-wedged.
I remember thinking in those split seconds,
That it was ok if I only had one limb left at the end of this.
I just wanted to live.
So badly.
As fast as I was trapped,
I was then released.
As I was surfacing,
I could hear yelling.
Hollering.
Screaming.
Someone tried to grab onto me,
But had to let go.
They kept going back underneath.
I turned to my left and there was my hero.
An ore.
I grabbed onto it and was back in like it never even happened.
But it did.
And it changed me.
Each time I am faced with death,
I'm reminded of why I fight to be here.
Why I want to be here.
I reminds me that I have a purpose.
I'm obviously here for a reason.
The ninth time was after I had given birth.
My baby girl arrived in this world, by C-section.
Although it wasn't my dream,
To have her brought in so un naturally,
I was just happy.
To hold her in my hands.
Within two weeks I was very close to death.
I had gotten an infection in my incision.
I didn't want to believe it.
I kept telling myself what they told me.
"Its going to get worse before it gets any better.
Believe me.
You just went through 30 hours of labor and massive surgery.
You're going to feel like you got hit by a truck Lia."
So I waited.
Day after day.
Holding my baby girl our rocking chair.
Every time my mother begged me to call and ask,
Every time I was told, "It was because I was engorged".
They were wrong.
My mother was right.
And its only because of her that I survived this last time.
I arrived in an emergency room in phoenix Arizona,
In the early a.m. hours.
I'm fortunate enough to still be here to be a mother to my daughter.
I give credit to my mother because I like to be tough.
I had no intention of helping myself.
Like always.
After so many experience's with death,
I became obsessed.
And with each experience,
I also become closure to this so called "heaven".
Its like angels came to me every time.
Helping me to survive.
Because Its just not my time.
The tenth was when I fell asleep behind my wheel.
Going 75.
At 5 a.m.
A bright blue light is what made me open my eyes.
After the shock of the trauma,
I'm left with questions that haunt me.
Its like he's begging me to find the answers.
Even when I sleep,
My mind continues to wander.
Into unfamiliar places that frighten me.
I used to turn away.
Go back the way I came.
Stayed in one place.
Frozen solid.
When these voices started speaking to me.
I've never been so terrified.
Or felt so sensitive.
Scared.
Afraid.
And just simply full of horror.
When unexplainable things happen to you,
You just know there's more.
Nobody can walk in my shoes.
So I just like to show you,
All of these crazy worlds I have been led through.
Being able to talk about my feelings,
And share them publicly,
Is what has forced me to grow the most.
I'm no longer hiding.
My pain is visible.
So is my happiness.
My love.
My freedom.
There is nothing left to run from.
Its all here.
In these hundreds of confessions.
Like I'm talking to God himself sometimes.
While I write these.
Alone in my closet.
I'm claustrophobic.
The small space creates fear.
I do it intentionally.
Making my feelings greater.
Larger.
The contrast creates a mystery in my mind.
And I have to think fast.
So I can be released from this claustrophobic closet.
I share it.
Even though I'm hesitant.
Because I hope we can learn one day;
That we are one.
On a job.
A job of our very own.
So its ok if you don't understand me.
But for your own happiness,
You should learn acceptance.
What is, is what is.
And what will be, will always be.
We are already in a land of make believe.
I just try to show others,
With these life experience's,
That the unimaginable,
Is possible.
How do I show you what I have seen?
Because its almost impossible to even believe.
I don't know why he chose me.
But I have never been more aware of why I am still here.
His plan is working.
And so is his love.
I know there's more waiting for me.
For you too.
If only we could believe in what some consider un-necessary or fantasy.
If we could believe in the power of people too.
If we could believe in the power of LOVE.
We're not all dumb.
We're not all numb.
Imagine the possibilities.
Love each other deeply.
Always remember that days are numbered.
We all meet our fate eventually.
Don't wait.
If we do,
It will be too late.