Delusional Angel 4/15

Let me tell you a true story;
You trap me in these mazes.
It's all so confusing.
Like the importance of my own happiness is forgotten.
Forced to live my life in phases.
Most days I feel like I cant take it.
So I ask myself again why.
Why do I stay.
Stay in this vulnerable place of chaos.
Where the air is so thin.
It's hard to breathe.
You look at your reflection and should see beauty.
But after getting lost through these mazes,
Your mascara is running.
It's all over your face.
Like you've just walked the PCT.
Heart rate,
At 151.
Anything beautiful turns out to be another delusion.
In this imaginary world.
You're e a wreck.
In desperate need of one thing.
Water.
And It's nowhere to be found.
Traumatic experience's change you.
No matter how much you don't want them to.
You cant stop crying.
Because a piece of you has died.
It's gone forever.
Like you're mourning.
You can't give up.
So here you are.
Barely breathing.
Suffocating and crawling.
Keep breathing.
Keep crawling.
Until you can kneel.
Kneel until you can stand.
Once you're standing,
Take off running.
Never to return again.
Visiting your past,
Is much different than staying.
Reminiscing,
Is important.
It reminds you of where you've been.
Your lessons learned.
Bury the lessons.
And let go of the rest.
Including the memory.
Your dreams,
Remind you of your future.
It's like a ride at Six-flags.
Really scary.
But at times,
You can't deny that it's overwhelmingly exciting.
That's how mazes usually begin.
With fun.
Excitement.
Love.
Adventure.
Until you start getting lost.
Now you're just frustrated.
You wasted so much time.
That now it's late.
It's dark.
The sun has set.
Just you.
Roaming aimlessly through the never ending,
Tallest hedges.
Nobody can help.
That's when you started crying.
But eventually when you regain composure,
And pull yourself together.
Your mind will begin to clear with a more positive atmosphere.
You map out a plan of getting out and never coming back.
The minute you reach the end of this maze,
You have a smile that shouldn't be there on your face.
That experience,
Although terrifying,
Life altering,
Scaring.
Was so exhilarating.
Liberating.
Before jumping,
Without a parachute.
As hard as it is to be thankful for almost dying,
Or dealing with death,
It's over.
You're still lucky enough to be here.
To have so much life to live.
Live it.
Love it.
Never carry regrets.
Let those lessons blow away in the wind.
Like Pocahontas would do,
Talk to your grandmother.
And if you don't have one anymore,
Go find a quiet willow tree.
Sit there in the silence.
The peace.
Don't listen.
Feel.
Everything.
Your heart will always guide you.
It will never steer you wrong.
Trust it.
Sit.
Feel that gentle wind.
The leaves are speaking.
Listen to the ocean.
Everything is alive.
Constantly changing.
And so are you.
Find love for yourself,
And this universe.
Before you ever love anyone else.
It will be full of painful lessons.
That at times,
Need to be learned.
They are the only strong enough teachers.
To these out of control children and rebel students.
This planet is spinning.
Can you feel it.
Love can mean the most pain you have ever felt.
Within two seconds the universe will give it to you all over again.
It's in so many forms.
A man,
Or women,
Is not who I am in desperate need from it from.
I'm desperate for the planets.
The stars.
The sun.
Science.
Time traveling.
Anomalies.
Mystery.
Theories.
Miracles.
My family.
God.
Anything that's actually worth the time.
Lost souls.
Like I.
Lonely strangers,
Let me save you,
Before I die.
Because I don't know that I can save me.
I will dig out my lessons eventually.
One day,
I'll be strong enough to face them.
With the help from those who are listening.

The Middle 3/15

I want to run so far.
Why the fuck wont you let go of me?!
You say you love me,
But then constantly disrespect me.
You say you don't use me,
But we both know that's not true.
Because the minute I get upset,
Not it's your turn to take off and jet.
Instead of comforting me.
No communication.
Alienation.
One minute I'm sky diving,
And the next you jacked my parachute.
Stealing my life line right out from under me.
Treating me like I'm nothing.
This head game is making me angry.
Because I loved you.
Still do.
Even when you didn't love me.
Accepting all the shitty things about you.
Never using super glue.
Never trying to change you.
Never abandoning you.
In all the times you said,
I need you...
I came running like a true friend.
A friend before lover's.
Because what happens under the covers,
Is never what's most important.
Intimacy is sacred to me.
Clearly not you with one look at these bitches.
Or girls you could say.
Does it even matter their age.
Like you said,
There's nothing wrong with cougars!
The love you offer,
Is smothered in an unsafe substance.
Unsafe for my heart, soul, and mind.
Making me feel insecure with all these "friends."
Because you can't seem to figure out what's most important.
So here I am.
Saying go ahead.
Have your cake and eat it too.
All I know,
Is that I don't tolerate men like you.
It wont be my cake you're eating.
You may think I need you.
But let's get one thing crystal clear.
I'm a fucking savage warrior.
I've been through more than most of these pussy ass men.
I will never allow another human being to belittle me,
And treat me like they have forgotten my worth.
They always talk about the fish in the sea,
But never the mermaids.
One day,
When it's your heart that's desperately hurting,
I hope you see me smiling.
Not to make it burn,
But so that maybe you'll finally learn your lesson.
For messing with one of the craziest.
The most clinically insane.
The kind that you should run from.
The minute you start mistreating and abusing them.
Taking this unconditional love for granted.
Try to find another like me.
I dare you.
You can take your ego,
And walk away from me without turning around.
I will take my pride,
And walk the other way.
In the opposite direction.
Fuck being friends.
I've seen how that ends.
With girl names....
Bleeeeeep.
It never works for me.
Maybe for you.
Considering there's nothing real about you.
The manipulation used to get exactly what's wanted,
Will forever haunt me.
I almost let it ruin me.
Being so much smarter than this,
I'm still not sure how it even happened.
One minute I'm sailing,
And the next I'm drowning.
My drops if my phone rings.
Triggering the deepest pain.
Terrified of what I am going to see.
Because although I have the strength to endure anything,
Something inside me,
Tells me to look.
To see.
To investigate these feelings.
It's compelling.
Overwhelming.
Whispering in my ear,
It's never over girl.
No matter how desperate I am for it's end.
Something inside says,
Make this shit work.
Love is worth it.
It's not easy.
It's not suppose to be.
So grab my hand and come with me.
Stop wasting time crying.
Forget the genders and names of complete strangers.
Who don't even matter.
And free fall from the sky again.
Having trust this time,
That my parachute is my own,
And will open without problems.
That it won't be stolen.
Believing in dreams.
Sharing happiness like you're a part of a team.
Accepting people as they come.
Flaws and all.
Finding them more beautiful because of it.
Like they are mosaic pieces in a cathedral building.
So priceless.
A best friend to spend your life with.
No games of chess.
No emptiness.
Lost Sunday confessions.
Craziness.
Of only the right kind.
Blessed.
Not stressed.
With the thought of being able to have everything I could ever dream,
I panic all over again.
Over trivial things.
Because when you have something,
You now have something to lose.
Regardless of what YOU choose.
Your heart is placed within someone else's hands.
It's something I'm never ok with.
I like to blame other's,
But I'm the one who ruins my own life.
My own happiness.
I lose me.
My own best friend.
By getting lost in these things and people.
What makes me most happiest,
Is exactly what destroys me every single time.
Trying to save other people's lives.
I think I have finally learned my own lesson,
In all of this;
Fix yourself before trying to fix someone else.
Maybe with individual work,
You can finally meet up again.
Destiny may create a chance.
You run into each other again.
Being two different people.
You meet because of the fray in the middle.
That's what happens,
With broken people....

From Galaxies to Countries 3/15

Is it ever obvious how scared we are to truly live?
We hold on so tightly,
To things that were never meant to be.
Killing ourselves in our minds.
Is it you or is it me?
The problem.
But the real problems are things in our minds.
That our minds would never think of.
That's why random individuals come into our life,
Or simply pass us by.
Making an impact on your life.
Changing you for the better or the worse.
Until we learn the lessons,
The pain happens over and over again.
Like it's a curse.
The only curse is the one you unintentionally placed upon yourself.
You lost the permission to be your true self.
The world.
Society.
People.
Life.
Love.
Makes you question it all.
Changing you like the tides of the ocean in the middle of the night.
Rapidly.
Under the moonlight.
Even in the dark,
There is still this magical glow.
Shadows.
Forcing you to reflect.
As much as you don't want to.
Forgiving isn't easy.
Forgetting is impossible.
We have to discover the things that don't make us feel hollow.
Because the awful truth is,
There is more hate in this world than there is love.
We didn't come here to exist forever.
To be perfect.
To live a fairytale.
I believe we came here for much more.
I believe we came here to feel hurt.
The burn.
The pain.
The purest happiness that exists,
Will arrive when you arrive in your heaven.
When your time is over.
While we are here,
I think its imperative to learn.
That's why we took another turn.
We came back like shooting stars on fire.
To finish the things our souls so irrationally desire.
Upon arrival,
I believe some of those fires are quickly put out.
Even as a child.
You tell me that this invisible being you can't see,
Is my imagination playing tricks on me.
That it's my creativity.
But really,
You're too scared to see,
What's sitting right in front of me.
Digging for explanations to the unexplainable.
To make you feel safer.
To make you feel more comfortable.
 In this land of the never ending universe.
Why?
Because you're scared.
I use to be too.
Until I met one of these random individuals.
Not only colliding like the speed of light,
But constricting my breathing.
Everything is so tight.
Not right.
Wrong.
Until one question,
Changed who I am.
It's so simple now,
That it seems impossible.
It all started with,
Are you happy though?
Like majority of this world,
I smiled,
Laughed,
Nodded my head,
And quickly said yes.
Without truly thinking of the question.
Because my answer wasn't truthful,
It began to bury itself in the deepest parts of me.
Murdering me slowly.
Until the pressure was too much.
It needed to be relieved.
The only way to do so,
Was by being brutally truthful.
Starting with my own soul.
My own self.
Before anything or anyone else.
Nobody else can make you happy.
So here I sat thinking to myself,
"What the hell is wrong with me"?
Why is life so hard.
And why I am I living my worst dreams.
In most waking moments,
I felt like running away.
Never realizing I could never run far enough.
Because you cannot escape yourself.
I had to go back to beginning after that question.
All the way back to my childhood.
Back to that terrified little girl.
With dirty blonde hair.
Dirt under her finger nails.
Lice in her hair.
Cuts covering her body that were put there purposely.
Looking at tattoos on her adult wrists.
Remembering whats underneath them.
Nobody wants to re-live the worst pain you have ever experienced.
But we should also know,
That nothing comes easy or for free.
If it's worth it,
You will have to be hard working.
Killing yourself in different ways,
To try and build character and strength.
Like with any other journey,
It's important to pack the essentials.
The things that will help you survive.
Physically preparing your body.
Your mind.
Creating space in your life.
And just like with an inner journey,
You're going to need things to help you survive.
Occasionally people too.
No matter what this world will tell you.
Or the hundreds of quotes you feel were written for you.
The greatest wisdom,
Comes from learning.
Don't be scared.
Because little do you know,
How much this universe has made sure you will always be cared for.
And loved.
Our intuition tells us there is more.
Because there is.
Why are we so scared?
Believe in magic.
Believe in unicorns.
Capture rainbows and pots of gold,
By abandoning everything you think you know.
Know that you know nothing.
Start free falling.
Flying.
Crying.
Dying.
Either way,
You'll then be fully living.
Completely alive.
I cant take one more day,
Of looking into these individual eyes,
And wanting to cry.
I see the pain.
The confusion.
The frustration.
The lost souls.
I see them everyday.
Because I am one of them.
These words are my way,
Of offering you my hands.
There's nothing more I can give.
Because these our own journey's and lives to live.
Our own choices to make.
So as much as I would love to physically,
Emotionally,
And mentally,
Save every last one of you,
Including myself,
I cant.
Before letting that sadness creep in,
Just as I did,
Realize this;
You are unconditionally loved.
Everything that you are,
Is as perfect as the northern star.
Let them be your guide in life.
It's our home.
It's where we truly belong.
Where we came from.
Come back from.
And where we are going.
There's nothing you could ever do,
To be unworthy,
Of unconditional love.
When you cant find it here down on earth,
Take a deep breath,
Dry your amazing eyes,
That resemble these billions of galaxies,
Have faith,
Believe in more,
And know the depths of all that you are.
Your purpose is to love and be loved.
Be patient.
You will collide with it eventually.
Because it is your destiny.
No matter how much that hurts or scares you.
The minute it arrives,
Bravely let it go.
Don't hold on like you can't live without it.
Don't be scared.
Even when it's lost,
It's only a matter of time,
Before you are colliding with it again while sky diving.

Do You Know Why You're Here? 2/15

Most people get a lifetime of treatment that they don't deserve.

Loving people so purely and unconditionally,
That its actually hurting.
Souls traveling.
Colliding for good reasons.
To teach each other.
One broken.
Or both.
It doesn't make a difference.
You'll walk away hurting or learning something.
Either way, it's worth it.
You see,
Because if you're not hurting.
You're not learning.
The most painful moments in life,
Help humans grow.
Even an injured, bloody animal,
Lying in the white snow.
With a will to live,
You will.
But here' where there become problems for some.
We go off on these individual journeys ,
Looking for our missing pieces.
Occasionally running into things, or people,
There were never written into your plan for the beginning.
Making us become lost.
In our own lives and in our own heart's.
Sometimes it's caused by another heart.
Or it's a substance of some sort.
Maybe driven to that substance,
Because of a baby you never wanted to abort.
Or because nobody ever cared about your heart.
Your father never saying goodbye before departing.
Maybe because you cant look at your own reflection,
Without being flooded with ugly emotions.
Nobody knows everyone's reasons.
The most important part,
Is to remember lost souls walking through the dark.
To remember that we are not alone.
There's an intelligence of some kind coming from the unknown.
To artistic people who are expressing our history and our future.
By not being afraid of the unknown,
And not being afraid of the pain.
Taking it and turning it into something beautiful.
That's what this life is about.
Yours and mine.
Its about evolving.
And growing.
Becoming more than what you think you are,
Every time you come back down from the stars.
It's about loving.
Above all else.
Remember those words.
Love. Love. Love.
It's all that matters.
It's how we fix the karmic order.
Fixing what we have destroyed.
Again and again.
Lifetime after lifetime.
The idea of life...
Is to learn.
Why else would we be here?
I feel sorry for you if you don't believe in the other side.
Trust people like me.
Who never expected to have literal whispers in my ear.
Terrifying me to my core.
Because people like you,
Say that it's imaginary.
Impossible.
I'm here to tell you that it's not.
That we in fact, do have a God.
I do believe there is more than one.
There's also other people,
Who are equally as important.
We all are.
This experiment,
Was, is, and will always be about free will.
Why you ask?
I have no clue.
But I know that it's why we are here.
So it leads to these billions of questions,
That I desperately try to answer.
And then explain to you,
With these words, these prayers, these pens.
Why?
Again,
I couldn't tell you.
Just another whisper communicating,
The importance of you knowing.
I put my own reputation on the line because it's that strong.
I'm likely "crazy" to this entire world.
But what's strange,
Is that it doesn't really matter.
I feel there is a purpose.
I don't care to discuss it.
I'm enticed too.
By something invisible.
Here I sit.
Alone.
But never alone.
These words remind me that this is not my home.
I'm here to learn.
One day,
On my way back,
I hope to be sent back again.
Because the amount of energy swirling inside of me,
Makes me realize I can never accomplish it all in one lifetime.
When I was a little girl,
It was all so confusing.
The older I get,
The more my mind is expanding.
The more I let go of the fear of what I truly am,
The more that I accept,
I am more than this body and mind.
Faces from the other side.
That are unrecognizable until we arrive.
Maybe relatives.
Friends.
There is even butterflies.
An abundance of loved ones.
I'm convinced,
Some of the deeply painful problems we have in our lives,
Is simply because you don't remember each other from your past lifetimes.
Your faces are different.
And so are you names.
But your souls are still the same.
Feeling that strange connection you just cant explain.
No matter how many years you stay frozen, trying.
It will never happen.
Not until you see them again,
After you die.
Reincarnation happens for two reasons.
You either want to come back to do good,
Or because you need to work on fixing your very own karmic order.
That's why this world is literally split in two.
I use to think I could change it.
Now I don't want to.
Because today I understand,
That it's suppose to be this way.
And if you truly love someone at the end of the day,
Never take away their free will.
Their room to grow.
When you stop growing,
Be brave enough to let each other go.
If you don't, or can't,
That's not love at all.
Those things are exactly what give love a bad name,
After all.
No matter how scared you are;
You're never alone.
Everything is going to be alright.
Find the light.
You'll find the love.
Everything you thought that mattered,
Disappears when you begin to float up above.
 

If Only We Are Brave 2/15

I don't want to be alone.
I don't think anyone does.
Regardless of the hate this world speaks of.
Especially when it comes to love.
We twist and torture Its true purpose.
We make it about us.
Us as individuals.
When Its purpose is so much more than that.
In fact,
Selfishness ruins most things.
As human beings,
We don't allow ourselves to be human.
Just following expectations and traditions.
No matter how wrong they are.
Or no matter how much our hearts,
Scream that these things are not what we need,
We inevitably listen.
Blindly following what feels comfortable.
Because of our abusive existence.
Even if It's not what you were born for.
Why don't we see perfect as a defect?
It should be.
Because it doesn't exist.
Our time on this planet is so precious.
Whats atrocious,
Is that we blame it all on whoever is our current president.
Where is the responsibility in it?
To not only ourselves,
But to our children.
Our planet.
The only we home that we have.
We blame thieves,
Murderers,
Cheating spouses,
Without asking why they cheated.
Murdered.
Or what caught stealing.
What are they missing?
Why are they hurting?
Answers will make it all stop.
Saving hurting people,
From hurting more people.
We just keep pushing along.
Never stopping.
To learn.
To pray.
To create.
To build.
To love.
To understand.
To travel.
To heal.
To feel the grass beneath your feet,
Or walk barefoot on gravel.
The stink from it.
I hear lately how people are awakening.
I can't tell you how much I pray for that everyday.
Because with the corruption and neglect in our world today,
The only way we will succeed together as a society,
Is the with effort made to create a massive social movement.
A movement for so much more than a corrupt and injustice system.
Lets start over.
Fix the karmic order.
And go back to the beginning.
Lets give the lands back to the Native American Indians.
Go back to when we traded.
When we cared.
When we appreciated.
When we loved our sisters and brothers.
When we looked to the stars,
Our Gods,
Ancestors,
History,
For answers.
Guidance.
A helping hand.
Don't you get it yet?
Even if "it" doesn't exist,
It does.
Just like time.
Or this planet spinning.
It's happening without you even realizing it.
That's why awakening is so important.
Don't wait until It's too late.
Start today.
Learn your neighbors name.
Ask them for a cup of sugar,
For old times sake.
Treat each other like we are a part of tribe.
A part of something incredibly special.
Because we are.
When a life is lost,
The sadness because of it,
Is massively intense.
You want to turn back time desperately.
Remember that each day upon awakening.
Because we can.
And those loved ones you lost,
Are still watching.
Proud or disappointed,
Doesn't change with your body being buried or cremated.
After It's gone and dissipated.
Souls remain.
Ask anyone who knows me deeply.
I know this for fact.
Because they choose to communicate with me.
Allowing me to see something many others don't.
I used to hide it.
Now I wont.
I'm crazy.
I'm a freak.
I'm annoying.
I'm privileged.
I'm hot.
I'm whatever you want me to be.
Your opinions are irrelevant to my being.
To my existence here.
Light bulbs pop.
Phone calls are dropped.
Pennies everywhere.
Whispers in my ear.
Gently pulling on my hair.
Visions of things I cant understand.
Horrible at times.
I question them.
Deciphering them.
Making sure I'm not an awful human being,
For those thoughts that just happened.
The craziest worlds,
Ly in my dreams.
Dying repeatedly,
Only to come back.
Like I'm a cat with nine lives.
Mystically black.
Black as the night.
But with perfect eye sight.
I don't know what is happening.
But all I know Is that I have to write about them.
This is my meditation.
My zen.
Like I'm straight out of Bethlehem.
Desperately trying to find my way home.
I feel others are too.
Some may look at it all and say oh boohoo.
But that is the problem.
Don't deny that you're hurting occasionally too.
Trying to hide it with cage fights, footballs, women, and hunting caribou.
Releasing your own frustrations on innocent animals.
That makes you mad, doesn't it?
That I just said that.
But here we go again,
With America's "default" setting.
Me, me, me.
I, I, I,
Do as I do,
Like what I like,
Or I want you to die.
Maybe not literally,
But emotionally.
I'll hate you for not being like me.
Now we can be friends right?
Because I'm just like you?
Because I'm doing what you want me to do?
When It's not beneficial,
The masses withdrew.
Every soul and heart has grown apart.
Look around you.
7 billion people.
And you think It's about you?
I know.
I do it sometimes too.
Can we all just stop.
For even a day.
And put what is right before dollar bills?
Or what this sick society says?
Having picnics with complete strangers.
Meeting their entire family.
Just to hear their story.
Buying a coat in the winter.
And handing it to a cold, homeless gentleman.
Spending the day at a hospital.
With cancer patients.
Along with your perfectly healthy child.
Volunteering.
Going home and non stop bawling.
Realizing you are so incredibly lucky.
For the smallest,
But most meaningful things.
We didn't come in alone.
Most were born,
Thanks to an entire team.
Even in that first moment,
When you take your first breath of oxygen.
So many hands play a role.
They take care of you and your courageous mother.
It makes me emotional too.
I would love nothing more than to live in such a beautiful world too.
It's time that we act like we are thankful.
Before you know it,
Life changes.
It's never the same.
In each second so many people die.
Just because you might live an amazing life,
Or haven't experienced the pain of losing so many loved ones,
Lived through the kind of pain,
Where you didn't know if you would ever find yourself again,
When you honestly felt like you were dying,
So please,
Don't forget about the rest of them.
This world,
And us people,
Are not perfect.
But we are worth it.
Seeing is believing.
And believing is brave.
Be brave.
Be there for each other.
Love a stranger.
It's never too late.
Fate and free will go hand in hand.
Stop living like those hands are bound.
March across the grounds.
A happiness we could never imagine exist somewhere out there.
Come with me.
Lets set out on a journey.
Lets find it.
Finally peacefully living in it.
Existing,
Is something entirely different.
Today is the day,
That my own life is forever changed.

This Floor 10/14

Birds chirping.
Wind blowing.
Mind racing.
Thoughts penetrating.
Deep into my heart and soul.
Ripping me apart until I'm lying all over this floor.
Reaching for the door.
Any door.
But instead,
I just lay on this floor.
With nothing to console.
Nothing to heal what's broken.
No medicine.
Just massive pain.
Searching desperately for things to accumulate.
To make me feel complete.
But even religion has yet to bring me release.
I'm lost and in desperate need.
Of a road sign.
A mile post.
A familiar face.
That I thought I needed most.
But that's in fact why I am lost.
Your face is distracting
I'm starting to panic.
I'm over reacting.
Like I should.
Because this is my life,
And I'm not even in control.
My heart lives somewhere else.
I'm constantly chasing it.
Trying to steal it back.
Like I'm playing a game of capture the flag.
I scream for release.
I pray for answers.
I passionately write about these experience's,
Because I know, you know.
You can feel it.
Some of you too,
Are living this.
Looking for luck like I'm gazing on stars.
That are light years away.
So far.
I'm running out of words to say in this moment.
Its hard to feel hopeful.
I just want to explode.
I then think about my little girl.
This fight is worth every second,
If I can teach her even one of these lessons.
My best friend.
And she's only 4 years old.
Incapable of selfishness or hatred.
Incapable of not loving you until its too late.
It was unconditional from the beginning.
My knees are aching.
My heart is beyond the point of breaking.
Its shattered all over this floor that I'm lying on.
Listening to music.
To bring some sort of comfort.
A boat in this raging storm.
A place to stay dry.
A place to wipe the tears from my own eyes.
Just how it has always been.
Before my daughter,
I was my best friend.
Spending far too much time alone.
More than some grown adults.
When I was a child.
Developing.
Developing into this broken person who fights everyday.
For the life that she knows she deserves.
She fights for a reason.
No matter how hard it is on bad days,
I will always tell myself I cannot return.
Its not an option.
Its never too late.
Get up.
And refuse to be broken.
Let life take you to places that force you to grow.
Let the pain out.
Let it show.
Be proud of it.
Because of it,
Your knowledge has tripled.
So as strange as it may be,
Be grateful for it.
All of it.
Especially the pain.
Without it,
Life and you,
Would never be the same.
There would be no incentive.
To live to the fullest.
Every single day.
Living like you are running out of them.

Prevention Pens 2/15

Here I am,
Sitting alone.
Although I don't feel alone.
The weight of the world is currently resting on my shoulders.
Or in my heart is more like it.
The heaviest boulders.
Gigantic rocks.
Giving my blood flow clots.
Blocking essential nutrients that my brain needs,
To properly function.
So I blast these pointless thoughts all over the world.
From one piece of paper.
One pen.
From one girl,
Who just cant seem to pretend.
On a rampage for reasons I seem to be unaware of.
Convinced I have all the answers,
But in reality,
I'm sick.
Like I'm living with an invisible cancer.
Slowly wasting away.
Everyday.
While preaching like what I have to say,
Can save me.
Not only you.
But me too.
I hope you know that,
When you find yourself feeling vulnerable or offended.
I don't know where exactly they come from.
All I know is that someone desperately wants me to tell you them.
I relate them to myself,
Because this is my body.
My mind.
I relate them to you,
Because maybe we are related.
A stranger.
Or just friend.
Either way,
The only thing I can say,
Is that we should listen.
I'm not sure why in all honesty.
Just another feeling.
Maybe I really am crazy.
That's hard for me to accept.
When it's all over,
I go back to feeling like the rest of them.
Depends on the moment I suppose.
Energy is everything.
Science.
Theories.
Imagination.
Exhausting the brain.
These messages are everything to me too.
I read them again and again.
Each time it's like I've never heard it before.
Like I have somehow forgotten.
But how do you forget something so extremely deep?
These words are the keys.
To all of these locks.
They are my bulldozer.
To remove these heavy rocks.
When I feel like I'm going to snap,
I grab a pen.
Because I know it wont be too long,
Before these words pour out.
Like they are lyrics to a song.
I go searching through the hundreds of them,
Even from my childhood.
I must say it's a little intense.
The older I get,
The longer they become.
At times I feel like I don't ever want to stop.
Times like right now.
But then society,
And this world on my shoulders,
Starts creeping in.
A flood of emotions that aren't mine.
From the masses begins to happen.
It interferes with my own thoughts.
Starts distracting me.
I think of your thoughts.
Feeling your feelings.
Like I'm psychic.
And it makes me want to stop.
But there is still a force inside that tells me not to.
So here I sit,
Talking to empty pages.
That feel like my very best friends.
Hoping to find things that I'm lacking,
Missing,
Or wishing for.
Just like you.
We aren't all that different.
No matter what religion.
Or what color your skin is.
Your sexual preference.
All of it really doesn't matter.
And if it does to some,
Love them even harder.
The evidence is overwhelming.
That people are so massively broken.
Bound by invisible chains.
Just the opposite of,
"On earth, as it is in heaven."
Living in hell.
Beneath the invisible dirt.
But you see them on top of the surface.
Silent screams that are so loud.
The only ones who can hear you are the crazy ones.
The people who others make fun of.
Maybe they are actually the "gifted."
Given more than 20/20 vision.
Given visions they cant explain.
So they are left to hide them.
Or try to describe them.
Live and deal with the intense criticism if you speak of it.
The hate.
From the judgmental ones.
Who just cant seem to wrap their brain around any of it.
Or to even try to make an effort to understand.
They cant accept.
Anything.
Living with their very own boulders.
Be aware of this.
And love them anyway.
Because even the strong wont want to admit it.
As I sit here and write that,
I feel them from the other side.
All around me.
Especially behind me.
Peering over my shoulder.
Writing these words with me.
Must be a fact.
I cant get them out fast enough.
Even through the mis - spellings.
I just keep moving.
I cant stop.
Until all of this does.
I have a feeling though that it wont.
Because these words are my purpose.
Maybe yours too.
So thank you for reading them.
We're sitting here together.
Even the ones invisible to the naked eye.
The ones that feel just as desperate as you.
Just as lost.
Scared.
They have yet too,
To see the other side.
Have faith.
I have a feeling that is overwhelming,
That we are ALL going to be alright.
With unconditional love,
You have nothing to be afraid of.
 

Words Are My Crazy Pills 1/15

Stretching.
Tearing.
Binding.
Racing.
Racing through life so fast.
There is never a minute to relax.
Feeling as if I have multiple lifetimes of work,
Jam packed into one.
For some unknown reason.
Left for me to find.

In this race and feeling as if I'm running out of time.
Some believe people who die young,
Feel it coming long before it actually happening.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm panicking.
Even with these thousands of words,
They wont ever be a fraction in comparison.
Of what I have discovered and experienced.

I always wondered,
Why me?
I spent my entire life filled with questions.
Negative emotions.
Controlling my abilities.
My free will.
Reducing me down to labels.
I have to fight the same society I have no choice but to survive in.
Because I am "different".

My society doesn't seem to usually like that.
They desperately try to mold you the minute they figure it out.
And when they cant,
You're tortured.
Ridiculed.
Whispers.
Fingers.
Rumors.
Enemies.
Disguised so well as best friends.
All to get close.
For information.

To fuel this blazing fire lit within most humans.
Ironically,
Even after death,
Negative energy is what gives evil spirits more energy.
To go around terrorizing.
It happens everyday.
Even before you die.
The only ones who seem to cannot be able to understand this,
Are the ones who were born in a horse drawn carriage.
They weren't mistreated.
Manipulated.
Abused.
They were held.
Consoled.
They were never treated like an animal.

Their perspective isn't their fault.
Because even as an adult,
Some of those perceptions are just too ingrained.
And changing,
Would mean abandoning,
Everything you ever knew.
Abandoning you.
You, yourself.
Having to leave that person behind.
Set out on a journey with nothing but the clothes on your back.
No money.
No love.
Not even for yourself.
The one you just abandoned.

Now you have to start over,
And learn how to have that all over again.
Experiencing it as a different person.
With a new perspective.
Nothing will ever be the same.
The complacent and comfortable ones,
Just aren't strong enough.
So the few left that are,
Huddle together,
Wishing on stars.
Spending everyday,
Exhausting ourselves,
Just to open a few eyes.
Or hearts.
However you look at it.

I wonder if any of them also have this feeling as if they are desperately running out of time?
Why else are we the only extremely passionate ones?
I try to make sense of everything that doesn't.
I want answers.
I want love.
Peace.
Justice.
And not just for me.
For everybody!
Without understanding,
Empathy,
And compassion,
We will never be a united nation.

Forget what your government tells you.
Its all lies and manipulation anyway.
They want you to grow up on welfare and food stamps.
There's no other reason,
Why a soldier of war,
Makes less than your average congressman.
Tupac once said,
"They got a war on drugs instead of a war on poverty so that the police can bother me".

Social workers, advertising children on craigslist.
Like they are a paycheck.
Police will never stop killing.
Without crime,
Even if there isn't one,
They don't get paid.
Filling food with cancer causing additives.
To make you sick.
So that you need medicine.
So that you need to see a doctor often.
An 8 week round of chemotherapy,
Costs roughly, 30,000.
Coincidence?

We haven't found even one cure to any form of cancer?
Susan G Komen,
Is donated to for no reason other than to fill the CEO's pockets.
They cant offer you breast screening,
But the CEO walks home with almost a half a million?
Nobody questions why history doesn't speak of pharmaceutical industries.
Purposely hurting you,
As it leaves a trail of money.
Your hard earned money.
Spending on average,
8 hours a day if your "lucky",
Away from your children and families.
The people who are most important.
For money that you never even see.
And when you do get to spend it,
On necessities especially,
So many are just left with nothing and struggling.
No rewards.
No vacations at Disneyland for deserving children.

Hard working citizens.
Men who spend their entire lives outside.
In every condition.
Breaking backs.
Building homes we lack the time to spend in.
The commercial building.
Where this robot life begins.
The public school system;
Where only a few short hours are what's needed,
For any decent curriculum,
But yet,
Children spend as much time at school,
As you do at work.
Practically being tortured.
Over worked.
For no reason.

Some children expiernce such horrible things because of absent adults.
Even at their "safe" school,
With their unsuspecting teachers.
Bullies exist in every single one of them.
We blindly follow hundred year old declarations,
Written by men in wings.
When so much has changed since then.
With how fast our world changes,
Have you ever wondered why that doesn't?
Or religion for that matter?
Have you ever wondered if Earth was an experiment?
How they know so much and hide it?
For what reason?
"Predictions" made by ancestors,
Seem to be nothing but stories.
The proof is disappearing.

History is being erased.
Changed.
Distorted.
Aborted.
You don't ever question whether your mind is unknowingly being controlled?
Before looking at me like I am crazy,
Go take a look around.....And then get back to me.
The only thing I do believe,
Is that we still have a chance to change these things.
If people chose to make a difference,
Then your children would be safer.
Happier.
The world could for once rejoice in laughter.
Instead of weeping together.

Decide today,
To never be the same.
To never be reduced to a label.
You are more than your body.
More than your mind.
You are more than a programmed robot without a face or name.
You are a human being.
With a face.
With a name.
With a family.
Find the courage to care more for anything besides yourself,
And that tiny contribution makes a large impact in this world.
I'm absolutely positive of that fact.

Food For Your Soul 1/15

This is for people of color.
I say that because without it,
Nobody will stop to hear it.
To see me.
Actually hear me.
As a colorless human being.
Understand me, for me.
Instead of basing every opinion,
Off of what you think when you look at me.
Thinking that beauty takes away from life expedience.
What this corrupt world has taught.
Or broken history has taught for that matter.
The public school system,
Is a laughing matter.
Then I became a mother,
Suddenly the world was colorless.
Most find all the beauty in those moments.
But I didn't.
I saw everything I didn't know I was scared of.
Apprehensive of.
Afraid of this world that my perfect daughter was just birthed in to.
I started ripping apart fairy tales.
Novels.
Book's.
Encyclopedia's.
Walking through spiritual worlds.
Learning history on my own free will.
Listening to insane theories.
Asking questions.
Living in fantasies.
And living obsessed with the science to everything.
I chose to not feel bliss, by ignorance.
I chose to see people,
And this world for what it is.
This life has nothing to do with anything other than money.
For so  many.
In some way eventually,
That's what it will come down to.
The ghettos.
The suburbs.
Religion.
Sickness and cancer.
Corrupt laws.
Stereo types.
The projects.
War.
Guns.
Drugs.
Violence.
Poverty.
There's no self love.
Raised from children,
To have and live with a certain perception.
Certain expectations.
Never led by example.
Becoming an adult,
For some,
That perception starts shattering.
Violently.
Making you angry.
Reckless.
And judgmental.
Or maybe for some,
That's just what they lived since they were an infant.
Raised with hate.
All of us.
All around us.
For or from, one thing to another.
Parents aren't super human.
But treated and expected to be as such.
And when the stitches start falling apart,
And the family tree starts crumbling,
The blame is misplaced.
From everything to rap music.
Models.
Social media.
Drugs.
Violence.
And I don't believe that's the case.
Influenced?
For some, maybe.
But the ultimate problem starts at home.
Nobody seems to be strong enough these days,
To take responsibility.
We are all just blaming cops for black people dying.
The statistics will show you,
Clearly there is a problem.
But is it really with race?
Or is it with stereo typing?
Of every race.
I would like to argue the white privilege label within my country.
Because although I'm not ignorant enough to know that it isn't non existent,
It exist because we all allow this bullshit.
We don't just allow it,
We fuel it.
Like we need it.
Some chose to forever be a victim.
Needing extra attention.
From a lack of self confidence.
Constantly needing reassurance from an entire nation.
If you think that me,
Being white means that I've never truly experienced racism,
You're nothing more than a self loathing hypocrite.
I too, get so much shit,
Than you could imagine,
All because of the color of my skin.
I'm not even just white.
I'm also Native American.
You don't think I'm frustrated too?
I'm no longer seen as a person by some,
But as an entire race when voicing my opinion.
At first,
The conversation or debate is rational.
And then frustration from different perspectives and perceptions,
Alters opinions and masks true feelings.
People will attack you.
Humiliate you.
If you wont bend and be or think like them.
Like being different than the masses should be a sin.
The unconditional love scares them.
Because of the minions living within them.
Negative souls don't just feed off of negative energy only after death.
Its all around us.
In every fast asleep, or waking moment.
So why is it when looking into faces,
That we just cant seem to look past races.
If our souls have color,
Then I would have to argue its the same as the rainbow.
I cant help but to see the world for what it really is,
But more than that,
See it for what it isn't.
What it could be.
If people could just lay down their personal belief's.
If they could be more open to something their mind doesn't understand or even believe.
Just like when we were children;
Living in these broken, thoughtless, public school systems,
We learned because we studied.
Building skills over time.
The problem in our world today,
Is entitlement.
And not just coming from some spoiled rotten children, of any color.
The greatest people in our history lived serving.
So what makes us think we are any different?
If you don't see me for me,
Based off of a nationality,
I cant change that.
I can only try to deliver my true feelings,
And break through the labels and stereo typing.
I'm sure there's some reading this right now,
With their own label gun firing upon me.
Working so hard.
Its jamming.
Again, making you feel frustrated.
I will never allow negative energy or color of any kind,
Get in the way of the practice of compassion.
Its not a skill we are born with.
And when I look around,
Or voice my opinion,
Then have my character shredded,
Is my evidence.
As a child,
I was taught to treat others, how you would like to be treated.
I always believed it.
By a mother who was raised by a racist father.
It nearly killed her to break the cycle.
When it came to hate.
She told us she loved us every single day.
Because love is more powerful than hate any day.
Don't try to argue that.
Because you're already too late.
I don't live in that kind of place.
I live in a place similar to the day of August 28th, 1963.
When Martin Luther King Jr delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech.
A place filled with faith and hope.
A place where love is the antidote.
A place where the love and acceptance we give one another,
Changes history forever.
Re printing children's history books all over the world.
Showing them that its never too late.
Showing them by being the example.
Martin is gone.
May his soul forever rest in peace.
Before looking at me,
Like these things wouldn't matter to me,
Look past my physical features.
Look past the surface beauty.
And see my rainbow colored soul.