December Rays 12/14

I'm sitting in a ray of sunshine.
Its December 14th.
2014.
There's still so much pain in the world.
So much hurting.
So much suffering.
Its not right to dwell,
But its not right to not acknowledge it as well.
How can you change something,
If you don't realize there's a problem?
Some place, where its all going wrong.
In order to organize,
Sometimes you just have to go back to the beginning.
No matter how bad you don't want to.
No matter how much it hurts you.
Like walking up current.
Its exhausting.
But its also liberating.
Finding answers.
And some that were never meant to be found.
I feel like that is the reason for what I see when I look around.
Without the pain,
The corruption,
The injustice,
We wouldn't have a purpose.
When people become complacent in large masses,
Bad things will happen.
Things like the Holocaust.
Those who went through it,
Earned respect.
Why was it only when they were tortured?
Why only when they die?
The biggest divide,
In this entire world is religion.
And I will never comprehend it.
Because why does it matter?
When there is this much suffering,
Wouldn't you hope for something better?
Don't you imagine it?
I do.
Everyday.
Its what gets me through most of the days.
Some seem to find that weak.
But this is where you pick up your feet,
And keep on moving.
Learning.
Discovering.
Asking questions.
Offering help.
Loving unconditionally.
Being larger than life itself.
I believe that's the purpose of those crispy thin lines of misunderstood words,
That some believe are nothing but lies.
Its not there to judge.
Its for you,
To look inside.
Pulling out everything that's beautiful.
And applying it with every waking moment.
When I see some who are in the worst pain,
I cant help but to notice,
Its because they don't realize they have a purpose.
They don't see how much they are worth it.
How much they are needed.
They want to question the only positive guide in this life.
And maybe it isn't some judgmental man in the sky.
Its as simple as energy.
Maybe our God,
Is all of us.
Every single one of us.
The ones before us.
Our ancestors.
A combined energy.
Of one.
So large,
And so expansive,
That it never ends.
Its what creates us.
And takes us.
It ends,
Just to begin again.
Sometimes when I think of the future,
I get confused.
Dizzy.
Because I don't feel like we are going forward.
I feel like we are going backwards.
Time is a thought in the first place.
So how can you not see that you have a purpose?
And for you to not question that purpose,
Is almost criminal.
Criminal and hurtful to only yourself.
So the next time I pull my bible off the shelf,
You can go ahead and look at me like I am desperately trying to find a reason.
Because I am.
I am appreciative of the time that I was given.
I know deep inside,
That this is not my home.
If I'm not mistaken,
The time spent here,
Is extremely short.
I feel as if these words at times,
Are my last resort.
To not become who society wants me to be.
As soft as silly putty.
As confused and angry as Hitler himself.
As helpless and as desperate as the million who are starving.
As lost as the drug addicts.
I don't blame them ironically.
As complacent and unaware as the masses.
I cant.
I let this infection run wild until its officially become an abscess.
There has to be a better place then this.
I have no intention of ever forgetting that.
I dream one day to live in it.
Before my time is over.....
I wish to spend my time here,
On this planet,
Loving.
Loving so hard that it hurts me.
So badly.
So deeply.
Repeatedly.

Is Death My Best Friend? 12/14

I've almost legitimately died,
Quite a few times.
The first, was when I was just two years old.
I climbed up on top of our fridge,
And drank an entire bottle of amoxicillin.
The second, was again, when I was just a child.
Years later, after this incident,
I had a severe allergic reaction to this same medicine.
I was lying on my kitchen floor.
I couldn't breathe.
My entire body was horribly itching.
The third was when I was 8.
I almost drowned in the pacific ocean on my birthday.
I was saved that day by strangers.
The fourth was some time before my teens.
My mom couldn't find my pulse.
So the ambulance was called.
I was fully awake.
The paramedics just stared at me.
In a strange disbelief.
Because there was nothing physically wrong with  me.
I simply, felt ill.
The fifth was a car accident.
My head went through double plated glass in the windshield.
Seconds earlier, I had been fighting with my seat belt.
I couldn't get it buckled.
It kept locking.
The sixth was when I tired to take my own life.
When I was still just a child.
I was being force fed pills.
By doctors who didn't know what else to do with my "crazy".
Little did I know,
They were the driving force behind my "crazy".
I struggled with body dysmporhia,
And self mutilation was my form of release.
I literally needed to see myself bleed.
When I think of it today,
That type of pain still hurts me.
Just not to that extreme.
The seventh was when I was attempted to be kidnapped by two Hispanic men.
They almost succeeded in getting me to a second location.
But I knew I would die.
So I tried to fight.
And I ran for my life.
The eighth was on a rafting trip.
Everything including myself,
Was thrown from the raft when it flipped on the first rapid.
It all happened within seconds.
Head first, I went in.
I went under.
I will never forget the sound.
The powerful sound of roaring thunder.
My face hit first.
Breaking my nose.
My left leg was wedged between two rocks.
In that moment,
Time seemed to be stopped.
I opened my eyes under the water.
All I could see was white.
White everywhere.
I could feel my own hair.
Brushing my face and my shoulders.
I felt it in slow motion.
Just like in the movies,
Or legends we are told of,
My life didn't flash before my eyes,
But what did,
Was the minutes before we had all gotten in.
I watched in slow motion as this rope I was entangled in,
Desperately holding onto underwater,
Was slowly pulled,
(While captured in still photos)
From every rubber loop of that inflatable boat.
I opened my eyes again,
As I immediately let go of that rope.
As I floated underwater,
And thought of life and death,
I made a choice.
That I wanted to survive.
Everything that was wrong in my life,
Was temporarily forgotten.
I wanted to live.
I started ripping on my own leg.
Trying to get it un-wedged.
I remember thinking in those split seconds,
That it was ok if I only had one limb left at the end of this.
I just wanted to live.
So badly.
As fast as I was trapped,
I was then released.
As I was surfacing,
I could hear yelling.
Hollering.
Screaming.
Someone tried to grab onto me,
But had to let go.
They kept going back underneath.
I turned to my left and there was my hero.
An ore.
I grabbed onto it and was back in like it never even happened.
But it did.
And it changed me.
Each time I am faced with death,
I'm reminded of why I fight to be here.
Why I want to be here.
I reminds me that I have a purpose.
I'm obviously here for a reason.
The ninth time was after I had given birth.
My baby girl arrived in this world, by C-section.
Although it wasn't my dream,
To have her brought in so un naturally,
I was just happy.
To hold her in my hands.
Within two weeks I was very close to death.
I had gotten an infection in my incision.
I didn't want to believe it.
I kept telling myself what they told me.
"Its going to get worse before it gets any better.
Believe me.
You just went through 30 hours of labor and massive surgery.
You're going to feel like you got hit by a truck Lia."
So I waited.
Day after day.
Holding my baby girl our rocking chair.
Every time my mother begged me to call and ask,
Every time I was told, "It was because I was engorged".
They were wrong.
My mother was right.
And its only because of her that I survived this last time.
I arrived in an emergency room in phoenix Arizona,
In the early a.m. hours.
I'm fortunate enough to still be here to be a mother to my daughter.
I give credit to my mother because I like to be tough.
I had no intention of helping myself.
Like always.
After so many experience's with death,
I became obsessed.
And with each experience,
I also become closure to this so called "heaven".
Its like angels came to me every time.
Helping me to survive.
Because Its just not my time.
The tenth was when I fell asleep behind my wheel.
Going 75.
At 5 a.m.
A bright blue light is what made me open my eyes.
After the shock of the trauma,
I'm left with questions that haunt me.
Its like he's begging me to find the answers.
Even when I sleep,
My mind continues to wander.
Into unfamiliar places that frighten me.
I used to turn away.
Go back the way I came.
Stayed in one place.
Frozen solid.
When these voices started speaking to me.
I've never been so terrified.
Or felt so sensitive.
Scared.
Afraid.
And just simply full of horror.
When unexplainable things happen to you,
You just know there's more.
Nobody can walk in my shoes.
So I just like to show you,
All of these crazy worlds I have been led through.
Being able to talk about my feelings,
And share them publicly,
Is what has forced me to grow the most.
I'm no longer hiding.
My pain is visible.
So is my happiness.
My love.
My freedom.
There is nothing left to run from.
Its all here.
In these hundreds of confessions.
Like I'm talking to God himself sometimes.
While I write these.
Alone in my closet.
I'm claustrophobic.
The small space creates fear.
I do it intentionally.
Making my feelings greater.
Larger.
The contrast creates a mystery in my mind.
And I have to think fast.
So I can be released from this claustrophobic closet.
I share it.
Even though I'm hesitant.
Because I hope we can learn one day;
That we are one.
On a job.
A job of our very own.
So its ok if you don't understand me.
But for your own happiness,
You should learn acceptance.
What is, is what is.
And what will be, will always be.
We are already in a land of make believe.
I just try to show others,
With these life experience's,
That the unimaginable,
Is possible.
How do I show you what I have seen?
Because its almost impossible to even believe.
I don't know why he chose me.
But I have never been more aware of why I am still here.
His plan is working.
And so is his love.
I know there's more waiting for me.
For you too.
If only we could believe in what some consider un-necessary or fantasy.
If we could believe in the power of people too.
If we could believe in the power of LOVE.
We're not all dumb.
We're not all numb.
Imagine the possibilities.
Love each other deeply.
Always remember that days are numbered.
We all meet our fate eventually.
Don't wait.
If we do,
It will be too late. 

Lazy Labels Crazy 12/14

Do you ever walk outside,
And look straight up into the sky?
For just moments,
Pondering your purpose.
Wondering how you got here.
If this was even your original home.
I know....
I sound crazy.

No more insane than these drones.
These secrets.
These manipulations.
What am I suppose to believe?
Is it all lies?
An illusion?
Is my only purpose,
To work,
Make money,
Build a happy family,
And then die?

When I look up straight into the sky,
I dream.
I imagine.
I imagine life on other planets.
I dream of a better society for the one I'm living on.
I close my eyes.
And deeply breathe.
Appreciating,
That much needed oxygen.

I'm courageous in that moment.
Releasing everything.
Picturing it in mind,
Blowing away with the wind.
I turn music loud,
To create a healthy distraction.
I'm writing to it in this very moment.
Allowing myself to feel.
Instead of masking it.
Hiding it.
Covering it up.
I don't want to run from it.

Experiencing foreign things in each second,
Is how I will choose to spend my entire lifetime.
I don't know how to tell you;
I've seen the other side.
There IS something more.
I always felt that there was.
I was enticed to follow it since I was a kid.
Until I finally discovered it.
This journey started when I was 6.
I'm 27.
That's a long travel.

I've multiplied my knowledge.
I want to live to learn.
I don't have any other option.
Once you've seen unicorns,
Horses will never seem as beautiful.
I'm in search for another world.
I know they are out there.
I know that I belong there.
This is not my home.
I've known that since my life initially began.

Every single thing I feel here,
Is strange.
Different.
Wrong.
Over half the time it's horrible.
Even though there is the beautiful.
The gorgeous moments in life that you wish you could capture in pictures.
Hang in a frame and put it on your wall.
So every time you walk past it,
You can be reminded it's not always about feeling the suffocation or the fall.
Above all,
I have this intense need for freedom.
For release.
From all of these pointless and mindless things.
And unfortunately at times, even people.

I want to spend my time in a place less evil.
In a place less stressful.
A place where money doesn't matter.
I know it exists.
I just need to find it.
Now lastly,
We come to strangers who look at me strangely.
Completely perplexed.
Having no idea how to even react.
Because you feel like you've just been attacked.

The unknown turns to fear,
Which in turn,
Is turned onto me.
With a need to point out the obvious.
The differences.
Windows to dark souls,
Looking at me like I'm crazy.
Read that again.
Like, I'm the crazy one.

Forgive me for discarding my motherboard.
And yes,
That was meant to be sarcastic.
I will never apologize for being who I am.
If some think I'm crazy,
That's their prerogative.
I don't love you any less.
On my quest for happiness,
I hope to light some paths.
With my own pain,
And love for language.
I hope to never feel surrounded by judgmental strangers.
Just individuals who experience similar things.
Therefore we find an understanding.

Makes me feel like I am a part of a team.
I guess if I want to make a difference,
I should stop living in dreams and false realities.
But that's where I'm divided.
I know for sure fact,
That there are different dimensions.
With energy of souls existing in them.
They are even desperately trying to communicate in most cases.
You can read that again too.
I don't mind the crazy looks.
How am I to abandon something that so desperately wants to be found,
For something that refuses to make a sound......

Like Beyonce Said: "Who Run The World? Girls" 11/14

You prance around with your un-shattered ego.
Refusing to let me go.
Still, bringing other girls home.
To sleep in your bed.
The same bed, I rest my  head.
Finding different color hair strands in my hands.
Wrapped around my fingertips.
My heart feels like its base jumping in those moments.
My mind is free falling.
Without a parachute.
My rationality is spinning through hoops.
My voice disappears.
Like I was Ariel.
Who gave it to Ursala for my Eric.
My unconditional love is sinking like the Titanic.
So violent.
And sad.
Like with any grieving process,
I become mad.
Irate is more like it.
Out of control.
With a will to do so.
On a rampage of anger.
Everyone becomes a stranger.
Feeling unaware of what they are capable of.
Like a stray cat.
Unlike a free white dove.
Trapped and afraid.
When moments earlier,
I was feeling elated.
This roller coaster that we all know too well,
Is driving me straight to hell.
Allowing another human soul,
To steal my own.
To damage my being.
Leaving me with nothing but these awful feelings.
I never wish to go back.
But again,
I end up trapped.
Falling in love,
Is exactly what they call it.
Falling.
I never question in advance,
Where or when I am going to land.
Just like an innocent child on a ride at Disneyland.
Its so liberating,
That before its even over,
I have a desire to experience it all over again.
Even when I'm hesitant.
Or scared.
I feel compelled.
To pull up pieces from my own soul.
Before its stolen.
On my race to get it back,
Is when I learn the most.
I cant hate those who hurt me,
Because little does anyone know,
Including I,
How much I needed to feel like I was going to die.
How much I needed to be torn apart inside.
Sometimes we need to cry.
There is also no excuse for intentionally hurting another.
Every man,
Should look at every women,
As if it was his mother.
And before you go making that perverted,
Isn't that the problem already?
We are not created for your sexual satisfaction.
And while I'm at it;
I wonder if a man has ever looked at pornography,
Questioning the human being?
Taking away their own need for release in that moment,
And seeing a stranger,
As somebody's daughter.
Not to mention,
There seems to be little attention,
Brought to these life altering events.
Its what makes these behaviors, glorifying.
When the reality is horrifying.
Do you honestly believe those men and women are just simply nymphos?
Who enjoy sex more than the average?
Or do you ever stop to wonder what could have happened to them when they were children?
Why someone would even allow such degrading things when being an educated adult?
Half the time,
They likely don't even remember it happening.
But it created this animal,
Within a human.
With an overly active response to sexual behavior.
Little do we even know,
How we could be one of them also.
There are layers upon layers to everything that has a surface.
Never become complacent.
Nobody realizes how much we contribute to such horrible things.
Like sex abuse and sex trafficking.
Child pornography.
We all know it exists.
But nobody seems to be desperately trying to put a stop to it.
Its our neighbors.
Friends.
Uncles.
Brothers.
Husbands.
Fathers.
Grandfathers.
And we refuse to acknowledge it.
Acknowledge the sick.
I've read about how businessmen travel to Thailand.
Because its the most easiest place to take advantage of children.
I'm tired of men getting away with it.
Its not ok.
Women need to scream with their voices.
Pay attention.
To deceitfulness and manipulation.
Because some men,
Literally just cant help it.
They have a problem.
Taught since they were children,
That its ok to mistreat women.
In fact,
We use to take offense,
When a boy didn't sexually prefer a girl.
Abusing him verbally for not being able to bend his free will.
His preference.
The more manly you are,
The more respected you're given.
So it makes sense,
Why some men don't give a shit about women.
We only draw the line when it becomes physical.
Its not right at all.
I'm blond.
With a chest.
That was only created to feed my children.
I'm tired of standing on this stage.
Who put me here in the first place?
Just because I'm attractive,
Doesn't mean I want or need the attention.
Just because I have self worth,
Doesn't mean I'm a stuck up bitch,
Or that I'm narcissistic.
I'm sure there are many women who are as fed up as I.
The expectations are getting ridiculous.
I would like to go back to spending my time with children.
Sustaining a future.
Not spending it taking care of men.
Men who have no respect.
Men who have little appreciation for women.
We are the only reason your last name is carried.
These incredible bodies that were meant to create life,
Are now only sexualized.
Enough is enough.
We're exhausted.
And please,
Don't lecture me on the 1%.

Are You Bored? 11/14

 

I'm so angry.
And don't want to be.
Its frustrating me.
Driving me crazy actually.
People question things.
Things they see.
Things they hear.
About me and my family.
The ones I love most,
Are some of the most broken.
I will never apologize for being one who believes.
Who doesn't give up.
One who believes in the power of love.
Not just love,
Unconditional love.
The pure kind.
The kind you're given when you're given life.
Birthed into this madness.
You should be taught forgiveness,
Before you're taught history.
You should be taught compassion,
Before you're taught science.
Learning how to love yourself,
Will never leave you with feeling its not enough.
If you look at every sunrise,
To find more appreciation than you find in other times,
You are spending your time,
Wisely.
If you can feel the wind and be inspired,
It has the power to put out internal wild fires.
Hearing the river run, can make you feel elated.
Do you get it yet?
The little things are so important.
Everywhere we turn today,
Its like I'm seeing zombies.
That would give me nightmares as a kid.
This blender full of liquid is exploding,
And nobody can find the lid.
Splattering on every surface.
Making it nearly impossible to clean up.
Part of it will be left behind.
For who knows how long.
Even after you move on,
Someone new is cooking in that kitchen.
And in your mind you think....eh, not my problem.
But it is.
You should have cleaned up your own mess.
How long do we really think this planet can stay sustained at this rate?
How long before we are putting each other on a dinner plate?
Or isn't that already happening?
I cant even get on a social network like Facebook,
And look at someone say,
Like Kim Kardashian,
Without seeing the most hateful comments.
Things I didn't even realize others were capable of feeling.
Where does that come from?
And is it a responsibility of mine, and yours, to ask that question?
Offer them help?
Help that we don't know how to give.
Can we learn together?
I'm nowhere near perfect.
But never a day in my life,
Would it make me feel better to judge someones character.
Belittle and degrade.
humiliating and attacking.
A fragile human being with feelings.
For fun.
For my own entertainment.
Because I'm "bored".
I sit there some days,
With tears in my eyes and just wonder why?
How?
When did this happen to our planet?
To our world.
Blood sucking leaches,
Will not stop at ounces or liters.
They will suck you dry.
So do as I;
Get the up,
Wipe your eyes,
And live your life like someone died.....For you.
Because they did.
Since when did you think it was ok to be awful?
Vile?
Terrible?
You want to ask that father,
On his second tour,
How that makes him feel?
While you sit there acting like an immature 12 year old with no life experience,
Someone is losing the ability to walk,
Fighting for YOUR freedom.
YOUR rights.
The greatest people who ever walked this earth,
Spent their time....
Serving.
Remember that, the next time you're hurting.
Wondering why life is repeatedly, hurting you.
Because you refuse to listen to your heart.
Instead, its our best friends, boyfriends, parents and even strangers.
When will we learn to grow?
As people.
As human beings.
As communities.
Backtracking is exhausting.
Enough already.
Why, are we not just as one nation,
But nations from across this world,
Making excuses for the massive hurting on every street and in every building.
STOP pretending that these things aren't happening!
STOP taking your anger and frustrations out on Kim Kardashian!
Get off Facebook,
And go read about Martin Luther King Jr,
Rosa Parks,
Kennedy,
Lincoln,
People who made a difference!
Why are we acting as if our time isn't running out?
Fastly.
I'm angry.
I have no choice, but to be.
Because, although i will never underestimate the absolute beauty,
I'm angry that nobody will acknowledge these demons.
I refuse to not,
Spend my time,
Living my life.....
Serving.
And to hear some say.... "This is boring".......