It's Ok To Be Broken 9/14

The devil is very real.
The truths in this world are guarded safely.
They are meant to never be revealed.
You have to go looking for answers.
To questions that you ponder in your head.
Questions that circle everyday.
Everything is undead.
Not only walking beside you,
But rather inside of you.
My grandmother is one in mind.
I turn around in a panic,
To things I cant understand.
I'm convinced its her,
Who gently tugs on my hair strands.
In the back of my head.
Or when a smell takes over that stops you in your tracks.
Its strong.
Making sure you notice.
You look around in curiosity.
Because in the place you are in,
There is no way you should be smelling it.
Little things along the way,
To make sure we don't forget that they are there.
Trying to communicate.
That part is why my mind cant seem to concentrate.
I can only contemplate.
And wonder.
What is the purpose of them wanting to be discovered.
What are they trying to say.
They try so hard.
So it has to be for a reason.
Because just like a human,
The afterlife seems to be full of some who are still unhappy.
Its lead me to question what it is exactly that I hope for.
Wish for.
Dream.
Want.
When the answers started to come,
I was shocked.
Stopped dead in my tracks.
Once again.
Because I started to see....
That I will always be one,
Who was slightly unhappy.
Who never had enough.
Dreaming so big that you remove yourself from reality.
Into a magical one.
Where anything is possible.
No matter what is put in your way.
Or how many obstacle's.
You see things that shouldn't exist.
There is a force behind you.
Moving you into all of this.
Giving you no other option.
As you're catapulted forward.
Leaving things behind.
That you had hoped to keep with you.
Forever.
In each moment that you travel forward,
Everything behind you is just in a distance now.
Getting further,
You are feeling emptier.
Even with rainbows and unicorns,
I don't have have my loved ones.
My family.
Again I'm questioning.
Everything.
What is important.
What do you truly wish for.
Within a split second,
I smashed into the pavement.
Back to reality.
Shot down in mid thought.
Now all that's left is fragments littering the cement.
I'm scattered into a million little pieces.
Fighting for my own pieces.
Fighting off minions for them.
Have you ever seen tears on a warrior.
Its painful.
Or your prom queen die.
Right in front of your eyes.
Not just seconds,
Minutes,
Days,
Weeks,
Or even months.
Years.
Walking on this pavement,
I looked up.
To see my own soul dangling.
The thing I wanted most.
I ran.
Chased.
Encased myself with obtaining it.
Obsessed.
I preached about never becoming selfish,
And all in the meanwhile lost my entire family.
Here i am again,
Writing.
Words that don't even matter.
Because I thought I had the strength,
And the smarts,
To follow them.
I don't.
Instead I give myself ultimatum's.
Choosing myself,
What is true,
False.
Fake.
Real.
Fantasy,
Altered realities.
When who do I think I am?
God?
With some master plan?
Maybe he is trying to currently put me in my place.
Because I'm angry.
With anger comes weakness.
To be weak enough to let in the devil and his minions.
I don't ever wish to be one of them.
Have you ever had to do something you really didn't want to do?
But you had to?
Because it was the right thing to do?
Dealing with the criticism that involves such decisions.
And the life altering events.
They try so hard to change you.
I use to gladly let them.
Thinking it would only make me a better human being.
But now I'm thinking,
That i should have never let in any of it.
I should have fought for myself.
Like I am now.
I don't want it to change me anymore.
Because when its more than I can fathom,
I become a monster.
An angry beast.
Who doesn't act like herself.
Judgmental.
With a lack of compassion.
I become a kind of walking zombie.
Similar to you.
And the drug that uses you.
I let myself travel in these moments.
To hurtful places.
I cant seem to figure out if it is a good thing.
Because you see,
We are all only human beings.
So how did I not see it coming.
I was on a different level than your pedestal.
You were able to see more than I.
At different times.
The older I get,
The more I understand you.
Because I'm going insane too.
This is what happens when you try to hide pain.
It destroys everything.
Down to your free will.
There's a different person inside who begins to take over.
Making the choices for you.
When you speak,
Depending on the person,
That too becomes different.
We all have something we would like to portray.
But something a little different that lies within.
Never seeing the beautiful.
Because its hidden.
And this.....
Is where I think the dead come in.
Maybe they want us to free ourselves.
Before we are forever trapped in pain.
In order to see clear blue skies,
And angels in heaven,
Even if for the illusion to try and depict a different dimension,
A gorgeous dimension,
Don't ever try to be perfect.
Its ok to be broken.
You're more beautiful,
When you're simply human.

Forrests Of Freedom 6/14

 
Walking through this dark Forrest,
I can hear music.
Electronic music.
I walk closer.
Engulfed in a mist.
Out of nowhere,
I am kissed.
I open my eyes to bright lights.
Flashing everywhere around me.
Love is filling the atmosphere.
This place,
In the middle of nowhere,
Makes me feel like I'm existing in the most magical galaxies,
People are sparkling like stars.
Flashing beautiful qualities.
I cant even feel my knees.
Its like I'm floating.
Being carried.
Absolutely weightless.
The freedom is so intense.
I want to scream.
Run.
Dance.
Sing.
Fly.
In any way possible.
No longer connected to maronite strings.
Its like the ages before your teens.
When your mind is full of wonder.
Curiosity.
Imagination.
There is no hesitation.
We are simply wild and care free children.
When life comes to a certain stage,
Some will tell you to grow up and act your age.
But pay them no mind.
And focus on your own.
Don't forget about fun.
Don't forget to take a stroll through the Forrest,
In the middle of the night.
You too,
Could stumble upon these lights.
Music.
Love.
Fun.
You could stumble upon this intense freedom.
When you live for yourself,
You're in fact still helping.
As long as you don't let in selfishness.
Be the very best you can be.
Not for me.
Or her.
Or him.
Or your parents.
For you.
For yourself.
Because you deserve it.
And you likely don't even know it.
We are too busy giving and giving.
And getting use to people taking and taking.
Until the routine breaks.
And you begin again.
Without learning.
That you cannot live through others.
That will leave you feeling bitter.
I know this for a fact.
Because this is what happened.
To me before I went weak in the knees.
My heart was on a rampage.
Filled with so much dedication.
Desire.
And devotion.
That I didn't know what to do with.
I totally lost it.
All in the while,
Taking years to learn that I needed to apply it.
To what matters most.
If I want to help,
I cant be broken.
I started this road with that knowledge.
And along the way,
Found the real reason I had went astray.
But in finding myself astray,
I also found myself.
So I cant say that is what a regret made.
It was fate.
It was my purpose.
To find these lights.
This love.
These people.
The things that want to consume you,
Live in every dark corner of this world.
Even in these dark woods.
But i was never afraid.
And you shouldn't be either.
Because what you could discover,
Is that we are each other.
You are me.
And I am you.
The difference's are what makes things so beautiful.
So kiss me before I fall.
And when I stand again,
Taller than ever,
I fly away flashing my gorgeous colors.
Because this life was not meant to be comfortable.
I need to find another adventure.
But you could come with me.
And we could live together.
Forever.
Dancing.
Singing.
Sailing.
Failing.
Falling.
But never stalling.
Thriving.
Rising.
Compromising.
Simply loving.
Existing.
In flashing lights.
Of neon colors.
With sounds of music and laughter.
Drowning out the chaos.
Freedom is not a gift.
Freedom is earned.
Its tremendously,
Courageous hard work.
So now.....
Show yourself what you're mad of.
Its your turn.

Numbered Days, Driven By Faith 8/14

Palms sweaty.
Heart racing.
I'm internally pacing.
Retracing every step I've ever taken.
Contemplating.
Everything.
Wondering and thinking.
So intensely.
Fastly.
Pondering my creation.
And the purpose of it all.
Why am I here.
To free fall.
To feel pain and fear.
Before love and happiness.
Therefore you can actually live to appreciate it.
Without the pain,
I would never be able to notice what I've gained.
What I've noticed,
Is astonishing.
Its mind boggling.
It throws me through loops.
Lit on fire.
Like I'm in a circus.
Down to my attire.
What I see through my eyes,
And what I feel in my heart is crazy.
My perspective is rose tinted.
Like a kaleidoscope of colors.
The rainbow never ends is what I've discovered.
The pot of gold is the rainbow itself.
The rain.
The sun.
This planet.
The life we are living is a pure gift.
That most take for granted.
I did too.
For most of my existence.
Until I started searching for the purpose of why I was initially created.
There has to be a reason.
We should already know thanks to science.
But instead fill our hearts with lies.
Well, at least I did.
I thought I knew everything.
But I was blinded.
By materialism.
How can you not become complacent,
When you're only worried about one thing.
Money.
Spending every waking moment chasing a piece of paper.
You begin to lose your name.
Your face.
You're remembered by an 8 digit number,
To anyone outside of your immediate family.
Your purpose is forgotten.
Your purpose is lost.
When you're caught up in costs.
Caught up in labels.
And mortgages.
You cant do anything these days,
Without paying too much for it.
You cant even give a proper burial,
To a loved one,
On average for less than 5,000 dollars.
Why does it cost thousands to be buried in a wooden casket.
Because we are mistreated.
And we allow it.
As a nation,
A society,
Individuals,
What has happened to our morals.
Standards.
Self worth.
Our respect.
Our common sense.
Sadly,
I write a lot of these poems on my iPhone.
With music to inspire me.
My iPhone is secretly my favorite accessory.
I would embarrassingly say,
That its suddenly become a necessity.
When most days,
I just want to throw it out the window.
So I don't understand it.
I preach to follow our hearts,
And ignore my own.
I write about feelings as a way to never forget.
But there's so much in my own life that I regret.
I always wish for happiness,
But then push it away if it even gets close to me.
I'm a walking contradiction.
In every sense.
Because to me.....
Nothing makes sense.
This life makes me feel as if there is more than one person,
Trapped inside of me.
I search for myself.
Through all of my past lives.
That interrupt my present.
When I break free,
They invade my dreams.
As a way to make sure I'm never released.
Because I'm not suppose to be.
I've always craved it and desperately wanted that.
Until today.
Now I find myself running back.
Racing down hallways.
Ripping open doors.
Tearing up walls and floors.
Because I've discovered the pain,
Is the only thing consistent.
The only thing that was meant to be.
Because this life wasn't meant to be peaceful.
I'm here to learn.
Not to be happy.
The euphoria will come,
When Its my time.
One day, Heaven will be my turn.
And then I can look at my father in return,
With tears in my eyes,
And say thank you.
I not only survived.
I thrived.
I saw life with my burning eyes.
I felt unconditional love.
I watched sunsets,
From mountain tops,
Pondering your love and everything in between.
Tonight,
When I rest on my knees,
I will not be praying for relief.
I will be praying for keys.
To new doors.
As frustrating as this life can be,
Its only a matter of time before I'm on my home.
So I'm going to be grateful.
And try to live peacefully.

Abandonment Issues 8/20/14

When I was a little girl,
I had dreams like majority of this world.
I dreamed of being successful.
Helpful.
I dreamed of being anything great.
Never thinking about time.
And how it changes things.
I was just living in this false reality.
This world filled with fairy tales and these unattainable dreams.
When you're just one girl,
It seems impossible to change the world.
I understand that it's not healthy to have a life that's perfect.
But I just had hoped this life would be worth it.
I feel like these days,
I have to fight for it.
Everyday.
New laws,
New reforms,
Thanks to my government.
It has nothing to do with people voting.
The public is losing.
Each day,
More of our rights are ripped away.
They expect people to remain voiceless and simply obey.
The "rules" are fairly easy.
Keep the peace and keep the secrets.
If you don't,
You could suddenly, and unexpectedly, sink.
They'll make sure you don't float.
The higher you get,
The more you become a "risk".
A target of some sort.
In most cases,
I could draw you a blueprint.
Its so transparent.
All of it.
Even though you're treated like a sheep.
So much smarter than they would like to believe.
Because you see,
Most people don't actually want to see you happy.
It makes them angry.
When I was dreaming these dreams,
This was never a part of it.
I didn't see it.
My innocent imagination,
Couldn't have thought of something so hateful.
I wasn't prepared for it.
It derailed me.
Stalled me.
It took many years to keep it moving.
Blazing full force ahead despite anything that's in my path.
I refuse to stop for nothing now.
Because if I do,
You'll kill me somehow.
Or at least try to.
Don't lie.
Think right now of the richest person you know of.
All of the sudden you're filled with envy.
Jealousy.
Greed.
All because of a piece of paper.
Because of money.
But before feeling guilty,
Imagine this....
You were raised by an entire society.
Not just a couple people.
Your music.
Your televisions.
Sports events.
Fashion shows.
School.
Especially college.
You're no longer an innocent little kid.
You were thrown into shark infested waters,
Making sure you were bleeding first,
And asked to swim.
Like your life depended on it.
You can hear laughing when you cant quite make it.
You're drowning to these voices.
Slowly.
But surely.
In this moment your survival instincts aren't kicking in like they should.
And you cant understand why.
Until you open your eyes.
Underwater your entire life is flashing.
Like you're at a drive in.
What you see is hurtful.
But masked with such beautiful moments.
That are only moments.
Never lasting as long as they should.
Never lasting as long as you want them to.
In the next moment,
All you can see is red.
If life is so beautiful....
Why do we have to search so far for the great.
I remember the first day I took interest in what the government was doing.
9/11.
School was cancelled and I watched the whole thing on the news.
I watched planes crash into indestructible structures.
Thousands screaming and running.
I saw people in those buildings,
Jumping.
Years later,
I was curious about the conspiracy.
The tyranny and anarchy.
The lack of compassion and empathy,
Lead me down an unforgettable road.
I cant go back.
Even if I physically could.
My dreams were shattered and with that,
Came a feeling I didn't even know I was capable of.
Hatred.
Revenge.
Wanting people to be held accountable.
For their actions.
Their bills.
Their corrupt laws,
Legislation's and declarations.
Their alien like politicians and presidents.
That have been no better.
Do they do their jobs for themselves?
Or for you?
Me?
Someone please tell me!
I'm lost.
Left with loss.
And anger.
Turn around and asked to be a contributing citizen.
In mediocre things like sports events.
A waste of time if you ask me.
Because what you're missing,
That to me is so transparent,
Is that this "entertainment",
Is there to control your brain.
Your thoughts and therefore your actions.
Its really simply.
its only science.
I remember my grandmother telling me that,
Things would "rot my brain".
If only I knew what that truly meant when I was a little girl.
Such a fragile woman,
But far from ignorant.
Smartest I've ever known.
Trying to jam pack life lessons into my heart,
And into my brain like she was running out of time.
And she was right once again.
She was forced to leave me.
When she was only in her 60's.
Cancer is a terrible disease.
Once again,
Because of pain,
I went searching through information.
Trying to learn so I could understand.
And get rid of this unwanted hatred.
Desperately trying to mask what I was taught.
I abruptly learned,
I had no choice but to cover it up.
I choose to look at it as if its the Mona Lisa.
There's many layers underneath the beauty.
Of struggle.
Of pain and frustration.
Not all that glitters is gold.
I figured that out when I was 12 years old.
My words are not judgments.
They are observations.
And if I'm kept in captivation,
I feel like its clearly my occupation.
An obligation.
To learn.
To teach.
To share.
To light the darkness and put love into the air.
Even when its painfully truthful,
I will not hide how I truly feel.
That deep, silent suffering,
Is enough to kill.
So excuse me for using my free will.
I'm only trying to survive.
Just like you.
So as easy as it is,
To look into my eyes,
Belittle and lie to me,
Save it for it another day.
Because in this moment I'm beautifully free.
Not afraid of the fact that you will eventually deceive me.