Beauty Is In The Beholder 9/6/13

Life.
How to even begin the explanations in my brain.
At times, Its so sad.
Some are great.
At others, Its insane.
After the rain,
Colors fill your skies.
Your heart.
Your eyes.
Your heartbeat returns to its normal rhythm.
Your eyes Begin to dry.
After the downfalls,
When you fight to get up,
Once you do, Once you make it,
It's almost as if you're reborn.
Standing there absolutely naked.
The happy moments are now felt like when you were a child.
Simply, but fully appreciated.
Love is the radiation.
The treatment to your disease.
Even without good reason,
You find a way to believe.
A way to keep moving.
When you take away the unnecessary,
The pain and hurt,
People, Life, Love,
Is incredibly beautiful.
Especially in the struggle.
Like strong animals surviving in the African wilderness.
Lions, Zebras, Maternal Elephants, Wilder beast's.
Wild and care fee.
Fighting for lives everyday.
Fighting for families.
Loved one's.
The ultimate gift,
Freedom.
Even in the masses.
Respectfully cohabiting.
Sustaining life by procreating.
Life happens so fast.
It's like an invisible F5 tornado.
Life is too spacial to be spent creating a show.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in as deep as you can.
Life is a beach.
Play in the sand.
Life is wind.
You can feel it.
But you can't see it.
Imagine if we could watch.
If anything, What would you change?
Why would you go back?
Maybe you could already have those answers.
That's the point of this rambling.
Sometimes we need to be reminded,
That when life leaves you blinded,
It's not binding.
You don't need to break free.
You need to see,
 To feel,
That you are free.
Life is beautiful because you are you.
And I am me.
The differences create the beauty.
Everywhere.
Sparkling like glitter.
When you feel bitter,
You're wasting precious seconds.
When I walk.
I now see the pictures of sidewalk chalk.
I see planes in the sky.
Transporting loved ones to each other.
Right now, In this moment,
I don't feel smothered.
I feel beautiful.
I am a mother.
I will never be defeated.
Even if I never find my door.
I'll try to pass out key's.
Leave everyone of you with a piece of me.
Selflessly.
Even though It's scary.
Because I know you're human.
You cant help but to judge.
Almost embarrassing.
Like lipstick on your teeth.
But I share it all anyway.
Because I finally found my love for me.
And for you.
Left with another scar.
But life is once again,
Beautiful.

The Last Goodbye 5/12

You reached in and stopped my internal clock.
I think of you when I don't want to.
And I cant stop.
I feel like my head is collapsing.
You're not there this time to catch me.
And I'm falling.
Fast.
In a race against time.
To have the life I want,
I need to clear you from my mind.
You hold me in this vulnerable place so tight.
Your grip is painful.
It has honestly left me with a broken heart that might not be repairable.
They say in your late age,
That it is possible to die from a broken heart.
If only you could know how this is making me feel inside.
How its torn me apart.
It makes it so hard to simply breathe.
Its the worst pain I've ever felt.
And none of it can be relieved.
Or fuse my chest that has been cracked in half.
Maybe I need your love so badly because I never got it from my dad.
God only knows why you were brought into my life.
Or why you are still here.
Not knowing leaves me with this intense fear.
Am I not seeing what he is trying to show me.
Am I passing on something that is meant to be.
If it was in fact, meant to be,
Why is it so hard.
I don't know what to believe.
I have never felt more crazy.
Delusional.
Confused and abused.
Its becoming unbearable.
I try to let it go.
Because you don't make me feel good.
You make me feel terrible.
 Bringing out a side of myself that only you are capable of doing.
Your like fly paper.
Completely consuming.
The heart ache is draining.
Because there's no answers.
There's no peace.
I don't want to love you forever.
I want to for once, Feel at ease.
I wore my heart on my sleeve.
You took it and locked away the key.
I feel like I'm lost in the woods at night.
Its really scary.
And makes me want to cry.
I cant control it anymore and I realize that now.
I have to find a way to move on.
Some how.
Unprecipitated love is the worst kind of love.
Its the most painful thing I have ever felt.
You have to go through it all by yourself.
There is nobody that can help.
In another life,
Maybe for once the timing will be right.
Until then,
This is the final note.
The last goodbye.
 

Wonderland 5/13

I think of you and stumble.
Alice.
Falling into a rabbit hole.
Perspective is distorted.
I suddenly start to think of growing old with you.
Considering everything we've already been through.
I'm stuck to you like crazy glue.
The anxiety that manifests,
From constantly worrying about my very best,
Constricts my breathing.
The whole world starts to seem deceiving.
Seeing is believing.
But that's the problem.
I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Always in a battle with my own brain.
The love you respectfully offer is is vane.
Because I'm always trying to forget your name.
To avoid any pain.
The love I feel is the most intense feeling Ive ever felt.
I feel like an American man standing in a kilt.
I feel embarrassed.
And don't know why.
All of the questions born in my head,
At times makes me want to give up and die.
They eat me alive.
As I sit here and think about dreams of skydiving.
The most beautiful brown eyes.
And the most infectious smile.
All in the meanwhile,
I'm panicking.
Like I'm running out of time.
Speaking of time.
Its never the right time.
Too late usually.
Too early occasionally.
The time in the middle is the most painful.
Never the actually moment of the missed opportunity.
Because then I know I could lose you again at any moment.
For eternity.
My biggest fear.
That you will find her.
Run off into the sunset with the girl of dreams.
Of course Id be happy, For you.
But Id be forever lonely, Without  you.
Because of this and the time in the middle.
My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle.
Or an unsolved riddle.
I go searching for answers that cannot be found.
Again, Here comes time.
Taking away my smile.
Leaving a frown.
Gray skies, Rain clouds, Doubt.
That it will never be solved or figured out.
That I will die missing out on the person of my dreams.
Left with nothing but a fantasy.
That I will have to wait another lifetime.
To see your eyes.
Or see you smile.
If only you knew how I honestly felt.
It would make your heart melt.
In a disbelief of your own.
That you didn't know any of this until we were grown.
When I fell in love for the first time,
I never quit falling.
I'm still falling.
Everyday.
It never goes away.
And for that reason,
Is why I'm still sitting here.
Why I choose to stay.
Even though I know I shouldn't.
Because all good things come to an end.

Difference's 9/13

Why is it when you go out of your way.
To make others happy because it makes you feel so good,
That those same people,
Are no where to be found when they should.
When you need them the most.
I feel like escaping this place.
Disappearing to the coast.
The only place I never feel the pain.
The one place where I don't feel like talking or moving whatsoever.
Its degrading when people lie to you.
Like you're too stupid to see through.
See through the bullshit.
Right down to the very existence of the problem.
Selfishness.
It's painful when you suddenly realize,
How unimportant you are in the lives of people who matter most.
Excruciating in fact.
I don't even talk to my own dad.
Its so sad.
When you give, and give, and give,
You eventually become tired.
So then you no longer bother.
But why is it,
That even while being exhausted,
I still try.
Not only do I try.
I want to.
I need to.
The thought not to,
Makes me want to cry.
Makes me want to die.
Without them what is the point of life?
My roots, Is why my heart is always in the dark.
Sometimes I wonder if its worth it.
If I should let go, Move on, And try to forget.
With that my heart shatters.
Like fragile glass.
Before I even have a chance to try,
I'm picking up these pieces while I cry.
Back to the beginning of the frustration.
The humiliation.
That you work so hard for people who don't care.
Actions speak louder than words and its not fair.
Its not fair that my heart doesn't matter.
It never has.
Second youngest to the last.
Four in total.
The only people on earth who can make this emotional.
The only people I need.
My family.
Like food.
I need to eat to survive.
I feel like I'm starving to death.
The slowest death you could ever imagine.
And the worst part?
Is that It's happened again.
The youngest should have had it easiest.
Instead it was the hardest.
Nothing was learned and still never is.
Its always the same and it makes me sick.
What does it take.
I'm about to break.
I want to scream until I no longer have a voice.
I made the choice.
To try until I take my last breath.
Until my death.
You want to know why?
Because these same people chose to procreate.
And for children I would do anything.
Alleviate the pain.
That's the difference between selflessness and selfishness.
That's the difference between receiving and giving.
That's the difference between giving up and believing.
With or without your half assed love.
Watch me rise above.
Rise above it all.
Get up after every fall.
These roots are growing the largest tree.
With hundreds of branches.
Each on representing chances.
Each time one snaps and breaks,
It just grows back.
So even with everything you lack,
I'll always unknowingly to you,
Be here to have your back.
Be there even if you don't care.
Sounds conceded right?
The way I'm speaking.
Perceive it as you will.
But the sad part is that Its all true.
I'm glad I finally had a way to tell you.

Fate 4/13

Finding true love isn't up to you.
The universe has already chosen.
You're just looking for the mirror.
To see the other half of you.
Soul mates bound eternally.
Whether alive with a heart beat.
Or resting peacefully in eternity.
The love is so strong,
That even after death it still belongs.
Its still alive.
The time and place has already been chosen.
You meet them and feel as if you somehow already know them.
And you do.
But you don't even know it.
Space and time have no existence.
The point is not acceptance.
Because with each goodbye,
Its building stairs on the inside.
Teaching you important things about yourself.
The most unexplainable feelings you've ever felt.
You keep meeting again and again.
You are the best of friends.
There's a mutual silent trust.
Not blinded by lust.
Being in love is completely different.
Finding your twin flame,
Makes you feel as if your whole life is a spiritual experiment.
They say the good and bad you do in this life,
Builds your next life's future.
Maybe that's why some live in complete torture.
The moments of pure happiness and love in between,
Should be soaked in and treasured.
The moments in life where you feel it couldn't get any better.
You notice how those moments aren't too often and are not felt for long?
Because that's not the point of this life you live.
Deep inside you already know where you belong.
People are intuitive with senses for a reason.
You're drawn to certain things and people but you just don't see it.
Because its not a tangible thing you can hold in your hands.
Materialism will bury you in quick sand.
Life is so short that every single minute counts.
Everyday there is something new to be found out.
The unexplainable things that we experience shouldn't be questioned.
Just feel it.
And you'll know what to do.
Even when you don't,
Remember that its already been planned for you.
Keep walking.
Keep breathing.
Keep loving.
Keep dreaming.
Pay close attention to dreams when you sleep.
You're dreaming of your past lives.
They are like maps to this life.
But everything is perception.
Your lessons are your choices.
Choose wisely.
And you could end up happy.
I don't always want to be happy.
Because when its burning is when you're learning.
The best lesson is to live weightlessly.
So that you're not walking around aimlessly.
Full of worries and anxieties.
Let it all go and embrace the pain.
Knowing its just building the next life.
When you're born with a new face and new name.
I met my twin flame when I was eight.
Well meet again.
With new names.
New faces.
The same times.
Different places.
Its all called fate.