Love Is NOT For Sissies 10/22/14

 
Internally searching for something that cant be obtained.
I'm going crazy.
Trying to piece this puzzle together.
I cant accept that I will never understand it.
I will never have answers.
Just questions.
That haunt me.
Having to move forward.
While pretending I'm not being held back.
Emotionally and mentally, under attack.
Chipping away at my confidence.
Stuck between two worlds at all times.
It makes me question everything I've ever had.
There's no aisle in sight.
Because I'm looking behind.
I'm too busy sifting through all that's lacking.
Forgive me,
For believing in happy endings.
I'm discovering,
That I believe for most,
Their purpose was so much more.
Meant to experience.
Who only knows the reasons.
Bad things happen.
There's no stopping it.
Only ducking and dodging.
Like bullets are flying.
With no protective wear,
No vest,
You're feeling extremely vulnerable.
Unable to fully trust your life in someone else's hands.
Unable to let go of control.
Terrified of the outcome.
Terrified that then, there wont be one.
If you don't save yourself,
Who will?
But if you don't let them?
Who can?
I'm hanging like hang man.
With each wrong guess,
This rope is feeling tighter around my neck.
A feeling of impending doom,
Is making the walls feel as if they are caving in.
Love, is something i try so desperately to understand.
because the exact existence in which that i was created from,
Hurt more more than anything or anyone.
Like your parents had just abandoned you.
I became obsessed and consumed with finding reasons for pain.
Not being satisfied with traditions and excuses.
I never wanted to be worthless.
Maybe because that's the only feeling i felt when I was a little girl.
I want to believe.
I refuse to not believe.
There is always something better out there for me.
I know this for a fact.
Because Ive lived in darkness and misery.
Winston Churchill once said,
When you are at the end of your rope,
Tie a knot and hang on.
Had I known that I never left my road,
My one way home.
The hills have almost killed.
But each time I reach the top and take in the beautiful views,
I'm reminded that no matter how much makes me feel like I am out of control,
It is still in my hands.
Because I have free will.
Free will to think and feel,
Exactly how I choose to.
The hardest thing you will ever do,
Is try to be a better you.
Its so easy to run away.
Take it from me,
That you cannot.
You were never meant to.
Traveling in the opposite direction leads to a one way destination.
To no where.
A place you've already been.
But when you find yourself looking forward,
All of the sudden you're filled with excitement.
Anticipation.
You feel elated.
The possibilities are endless.
Its like magic.
You are a living breathing star.
Literally.
Amongst billions.
Believe in the true beauty in all that you are made up of.
An endless universe.
Made up entirely of love.
If it wasn't,
Then we wouldn't exist.
The first breath we take,
Is because of a kiss.
Because of love making.
Master love,
And you master your life.
The way to master love,
It has to always be unconditional.
No matter how scared that makes you feel.
have faith at the end of the day.
Good things happen when you choose to let go of that rope.
You don't always have to be so strong and hang on.
Free fall.
While maintaing responsibility to your families and to humanity.
Be free.
be you.
Be-YOU-tiful.
"There's beauty in everything,
But not everyone can see it."
Begin each day with a fire lit.
The biggest discovery Ive ever made when it comes to love,
Was this;
Even when I was most frightened,
When I run away from love,
It always comes back.
Every. Single. Time.
So that would lead me to question if it was in fact,
Meant to be.
The exact thing that I am most afraid of,
Is the only thing that has never given up on me.
It comes back with a vengeance.
So powerful.
It knocks me over.
It scares me.
I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel like Its attacking me.
Smothering me.
When in fact,
The only thing it was trying to do all along,
Was teach me.
Continually hurting me.
Because I refuse to learn and listen.
Ironic.
Isn't it.
That I was responsible for my happiness.
I gave that job to love.
And was quick to abandon it.
When the results weren't enough.
Today,
I'm choosing to not walk away.
Facing reality.
That I cant hate what made me. 

Do You Ever Question Heaven? 10/14

 
I took a trip to heaven.
I cant seem to figure out if it was a dream,
Or reality.
Its happened more than once.
It happens nearly everyday.
When the sunrises are so beautiful that I don't even have words to say.
Or when the rain makes it easier to inhale.
Replenishing everything.
Even in worldly disasters,
I cant help but to see the bigger picture.
Looking behind the sadness,
The disaster,
Will take away some of the madness.
It will answer questions.
If you ask yourself why enough,
Answers start flying in at midnight train stations,
When you least expect it.
Lights come on to help guide you along.
I don't know if there is a "God".
But what I do know,
Is that my heart is related to a higher power.
I and you,
Are so much more than we allow ourselves to consume.
Skimming the surface,
Will leave you hurting,
With constantly wondering and living without a purpose.
You have to dive deep.
You have to travel beyond defeat.
Let that feeling sink in.
Let it burn.
The longer it hurts,
The more you learn.
Creative people are looking through a kaleidoscope.
Into a different world than the average.
Magical people.
That are "different".
The ones that are picked on as children,
Sometimes grow up to be the ones who create the difference.
You see how all of it works.?
And when you're not learning,
Refusing gravity,
Refusing your purpose,
Something horrible happens that deeply hurts you.
And for even moments,
Your mind travels off its beaten path.
To ask yourself things, You never have.
That's the purpose of being here.
You thought it was to be perfect?
You'll discover the hard way,
How wrong that was all along.
When I was a child,
There wasn't a person who could tell me something I didn't already know.
I knew everything.
That's why I was covered in gasoline.
And lit on fire.
The charred remains,
Had left me without a face or name.
Why do you think this blog of poetry,
Is called a journey?
I'm discovering life,
As an adult.
Because I refused to listen and be like other children.
I wanted to grow at such a fast and rapid pace,
I forced it too soon.
And now I'm back tracking.
Stuck at ten.
That's where "God" stepped in.
He'd never turn his back on one of his children.
Especially children.
He grabbed my hand and showed me heaven.
So that I could try to show you.
Show you that pain is tough love.
Show you that this isn't a game.
Our time is short.
It could always be too late.
Show you that this intense landscape of beauty,
Is the purpose.
On earth, As it is in heaven.
I don't believe there are golden gates.
If there were,
We are already standing there.
Every day is judgment day.
Its not about repenting.
Its about discovering.
If he created all of this,
Then he understands more than you think.
And maybe the He, Is we.
You and I.
And him and her.
WE ARE THE UNIVERSE.
He is us.
And we are him.
The titles are what create the hatred.
By those who cant understand and refuse to learn.
Filled with entitlement.
So they blame everyone and everything for their hurting.
Choices and free will,
Can take you to some pretty dark places.
But I think that's the purpose.
If you truly love,
Then you let it go.
If it comes back,
It was meant to be,
And if it doesn't,
It never was.
Nobody can force you to love and live in light.
If you don't,
That's your choice.
If that's where you want to be,
Then end your own fight.
Turn off the lights.
Be alone and sad.
That is nobodies choice but your own.
Don't blame it on the absence of your dad,
Or the hard times of when you were an undergrad.
Don't blame anybody for putting that pipe or bottle to your mouth.
Or that needle to your own beating heart.
I chose heaven.
I don't know about you,
But not knowing if it exists or not,
Was completely irrelevant.
Even before I "found it".
Because all I ever wanted was to be happy.
So if being seen by others as,
A liberal,
Weak and theatrical,
Believing in a lie,
I can say,
That the only true lie,
Is refusing to believe in something just because you've never seen it.
Just because you haven't,
Doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Refusing to grow,
Is whats weak.
And if believing,
Makes it uncomfortable,
Then I would say there is a problem.
Its not with me.
Without dreaming you're trapping yourself in one reality.
Don't allow the world to brain wash you.
You're stuck at ten too.
But you disowned that child.
When they have something to say,
Is when we get frightened and run away.
When you're weak and vulnerable,
Its easier for evil to find and invade you.
So stop running.
And listen.
As painful as it is,
Love is the reason.
No matter how angry you are that you cannot believe it,
You deserve happiness.
So stop running and hiding from it.
Believe in fairy tales,
And perfect men in the sky.
Look at rainbows,
And cry.
That fact that we are given life,
Right now in this moment,
Is what heaven is all about.
heaven is whatever you choose for it to be.
So if you want to be angry and sad,
Then say goodbye to me.
I'm spreading my wings.
Spending my time,
Being happy and ten,
In heaven with other children.
In this moment.....
I don't even know who I am speaking to.
Is it for me?
Or is it for you?

Love Can Burn 10/14

 

I'm suffocating in thoughts of you.
I want to move on.
I just don't know how to.
You are half of me.
Almost everything I remember,
Goes back to a time where you were a part of all of it.
I think of you,
And I get sick.
Physically ill.
Emotionally,
Out of control.
Because of it,
Becoming extremely frustrated.
I want my mind,
Body,
And soul back.
I want to be the girl I was before my first kiss.
On shafford road.
That's not how life works though.
I wouldn't even want that kind of luck.
This experience has forced me to grow tremendously.
Without the positive aspects,
I would have been even more broken in retrospect.
Love,
Saved my life.
I was in desperate need of it.
Unaware of it.
There was a lack of it.
I wasn't one of the talented.
I'm still not.
I jump into the deep end.
I get lost.
I begin to drown.
In feelings and emotions that I cant accept.
They are rejected.
My own perspective,
And need of protection is what is projected.
I'm scared to death.
So I run for my life.
Away from you.
Away from most things beautiful.
I run towards the sadness.
The vulnerability.
The absolute madness.
Because its the only thing that feels normal to me.
Even though my smart brain,
Knows that its unhealthy.
Sadly,
That is in fact my reality.
The only thing I ever knew.
My entire family deserved more.
My mother.
And her own mother.
Colliding with evil,
Will change you forever.
You conceive broken people.
Giving birth to mental illness.
Because you live in a world that is loveless.
Lifeless.
Moments are brought because of your birth,
Of pure happiness.
But then comes frustration.
When you cant be given,
What your innocent self is deserved.
You grow rapidly.
Eventually,
Falling into this thing called "love".
Offered by others.
And in a strange way,
Its smothering.
Despite being beautiful.
You're use to being out of control.
But not in this way.
Its too much and you feel like you need to get away.
Escape back to a dark place.
A place where you feel like you actually belong.
Suddenly you cant.
You're trapped.
In a box.
In a cage.
While your mind is spinning.
You feel like you're officially insane.
Crazy.
You look around at others experiencing this,
They are getting married.
Having kids.
It looks like a Disney fairytale.
Its stunningly beautiful.
You look at it all with envious eyes.
It makes your heart hurt inside.
Because you know you'll never experience it.
Watching my grandparents,
Who were married for 52 years,
Doesn't give me any of hope.
You see,
Because their love too,
Was broken.
Creating 8 children despite this.
26 grandchildren to come of this.
And even more after their untimely departure.
Multiplying and spreading like the disease evil is.
If you traveled to another dimension,
And asked my grandmother,
There's a good chance she'd say she'd do it all over again.
If you're lucky,
You might miss this.
Be kissed by one who is not infected.
I don't know that its luck though.
You live the rest of your life feeling like you need to be protected.
Because even the uninfected are scared of rejection.
We all need compassion.
And love.
But some will never know how to accept it.
Only to reject it.
Something went wrong when they were children.
Now its just simply a race to the beginning.
Not to the end.
Before you live an entire lifetime of lies, the past, and pretend.
Trying to hide and run away from your own self.
Your own feelings and emotions.
Running away from the simple fact that your broken.
Take back control.
By never feeling like you need another.
And before you do,
Remember that you don't have anything to offer.
Not even if you unexpectedly give birth to a perfect daughter.
But when you gave birth,
Little did you know that was the first step taken,
In loving yourself.
Seeing yourself as you were meant to be.
An innocent miracle.
This is where I learned something about love.
Finally.
There is no curse.
You just have to learn to love yourself first.
Its possible,
Even if someone rips that away after birth.