Chaos - 7/30/12

I'm learning that as you grow.
Sometimes you are left alone.
From letting people go.
Whatever the reason.
It saddens me.
That trust is such a gift lately.
At times It's hard to know what you should believe.
Blind faith is scary.
So is being lonely.
The darkness brings out the monsters.
The pitch black makes you over react.
Try to stay sane.
Keep it all together.
Keep it all in tact.
Staying strong when you're walking through the pitch black.
Not letting your mind take over.
Leaving you vulnerable.
An easier target to take down.
Praying on fears.
Literally just a piece of meat now.
Not the best piece of meat because you've been feed the wrong things.
A feeling of being hallow.
But living in the body of a human being.
I feel like my brain and my body are constantly doing different things.
Never In sync.
Always sitting right on the brink.
The brink of disaster.
Running from flood waters.
With so much time to think.
You start to sink.
Fast.
Nothing to pull you up because nothing has lasted.
Everything changes at such a rapid pace.
Why am I so different.
Or see life so differently.
Maybe I really am crazy.
Might as well be locked within white walls.
It wouldn't stop the falling.
Maybe it would give me time to catch my breath.
Or time to work on being my very best.
But best for who.
For me. Or for you.
Everyone always tells you to not let others thought be what creates you.
But is there really another way.
Because at the end of the day.
When you go against the grain.
People look at you like you're a psycho.
Like they don't know what's going wrong with your brain.
Why can you only think of negativity.
Well, maybe because that is the only thing that has ever surrounded me.
It's what tries drowning me.
Blowing out my knee's.
Constantly on a different level.
It's like punishment that's mid evil.
A silent suffer is the absolutely worse kind.
When you have to hide it.
Keep it all inside.
You have a life.
A family.
You have no time.
So for now.
I will stand here in this chaos.
And just wait for it to quiet down.

The End Of My Time 7/30/12

How do you deal with heart ache.
I guess it would depend on how it breaks.
Or who may have broke it.
Life is a road of sorrows.
The moments of pure happiness are few and far in between.
Because let's face it.
We are alone.
We are not together.
Most don't have the support from a team.
Bills pile up.
Loved ones pass.
Its no longer half full.
It's not even a clear glass.
life is no longer filled with imagination.
Or usually a moment of relaxation.
No longer an awesome dream.
A dream you don't want to wake up from.
Its just too good to be true.
Theres' some people, Maybe unlike you,
Who these moments rarely happen to.
For reasons only known by God.
You were chosen for this life.
A life where maybe you were never meant to bear your own children.
You were never meant to be a wife.
And its not at all like when your ten. For play. For pretend.
Possibly put on this earth for bigger reasons.
Maybe to save others lives.
At times the world can look so calm.
Seems to only be at night.
Then comes dawn.
Most start their day with a routine.
And never break away from that.
Living life and not thinking about how its over so fast.
I can't help but to constantly want answers for every one of my million questions.
Eventually its going to be like running out of gas with no near by gas station.
I'm tired. Really tired.
It's hard to find things left that I completely admire.
I feel like my own dreams were smothered.
That doesn't matter now because I am a mother.
This is my purpose.
And I have never felt like life was more worth it.
Or more with living.
Until her.
Jocelyn Juelz is her name.
I didn't truly start living until that day.
August 13th 2010 at 10:49 she came.
I'm finding that the littlest things in life are what keeps holding the spot lights.
It's not always bad.
It's not always good.
But I'm thankful still.
Like I should.
Because I am here for her.
I am here as her guide.
And for that reason I will always work on whats inside.
To be my very best.
To love that I have a life.
Be thankful for my heart beat.
Thankful for hers.
To look forward to seeing loved ones lost.
When this life is over.
Accept that nothing will ever be like it was before.
Nothing lasts forever.
And not be scared when my time comes.
When It's all finally at its end.
When I drop dead to the floor.
Don't cry for me.
Because I am still living.
In my legacy.
In my daughter.
And I will forever be at peace knowing,
If nothing else,
I was an amazing mother.

Good Luck To Us 7/20/12

I look out my window and see so much life.
Everywhere.
There's a breeze that is blowing through my hair.
Fresh air.
Exactly what I need.
It makes it easier to breath.
To open my chest.
From not feeling so closed shut.
I decide it's time to walk outside.
I look up.
I see nothing but blue skies.
A few clouds that are slowly rolling by.
The sunshine is so warm.
At this moment, You feel no harm.
Lifting up your arms into the unknown.
Just like you did when you were 8.
Now you're grown.
With a little one of your own.
Trying to show her the beautiful things in this life.
Before you are gone.
I can not only hear the water that is close by,
I can smell it.
As you get closer the air gets cooler and you can literally feel it.
I find an old tree stump and chose to sit.
This moment is so peaceful.
All of the muscles in your body are relaxed and at ease.
Watching my daughter walk up to the water line.
Bend her knees.
As she has chosen to sit for herself to sit.
To feel the breeze.
The peace.
To feel it for herself.
I'm watching as the wind is blowing through the little hair she has.
Unlike her dad.
It's the same color I used to have.
The sun is shinning and reflecting the gold in her beautiful blond hair.
Nothing could capture this moment.
Not even a picture would be fair.
Nor will I ever need a picture to remember this moment.
I'm here to teach her.
But she is teaching me with what she is showing.
What she is peeling my eyes open to seeing.
Everything.
The good. The ugly. And everything in between.
At times it's painful.
it makes me want to scream.
Until she wakes up from a bad dream and wants nothing but her mommy.
In that moment, I feel like a super hero.
I will always be here to save her.
To give the other half of my Oreo.
To listen. To love.
To constantly willingly give.
To teach her how to forgive.
To be her best friend.
But most importantly her mother.
And never use that title to control or smoother.
To never take her for granted.
Never asking why she came before I was ready.
The tortus won the race with slow and steady.
I'm still learning everyday.
So I must give myself credit with every mistake.
I know we will make it through this.
Everything will be ok.
This moment proves that statement.
As we head back to reality and find the pavement.
I can't control the smile that your face brings to mine.
God could have never made a more perfect design.
You're absolutely beautiful.
In any light.
For you, I would give anything.
Including my soul. My life.
I want to not only raise you.
But i want to raise you right.
So you actually have a chance at a fulfilled life.
Every time we come to this spot.
I'm reminded of thing's life has let me forget.
I will always fight for you.
Love you.
Appreciate you.
I will never fail you.
Or let you fall.
I will always be here and never give up regardless of how hard this is.
You are my daughter and from this day forward.
I will never again allow myself to forget.
That the beauty of what you have brought to my life.
Is what your presence has forced me to become.
An absolute warrior.
Who they call mom.
The beautiful thing about building from the bottom.
Is that there is no where else to go but up.
Good luck to us.

When Two Worlds Collide 7/8/12

When two worlds collide.
Sometimes it creates wonders.
other times it brings rain clouds and thunder.
Everything happens for a reason.
But at the time, You don't see it.
Whether it's love or drugs.
Both are equally dangerous.
Physically strenuous.
Taking a toll on your body and mind.
Only left with a mind you now have to find.
Rediscover what this collision has forced on this encounter.
It's all in your perception of the world and the people are.
When you've been burned,
This place can be as hot as mars.
Making it almost impossible to breath.
So you keep searching for belief.
In hopes to find what's truly worth your heart out there.
But always finding people in world seem to be unfair.
Lying, Pretending, Re- in acting, failing, losing, blinded, careless, selfish,
But with good hearts.
Locked in time.
Shameless, Blameless, No accountability for inabilities.
Beautiful faces that will eventually receive clean slates.
Travel down new roads and experience new places.
If they choose to except.
There will be no more pain or living with regrets.
No more heart ache from goals that have not been met.
Your self worth will sky rocket like its taking off from NASA.
No holes left waiting to be filled that are absolutely massive.
In your hearts, Teeth, Or Brains.
No more accepting complacement.
Striving everyday for only better things in life.
Speaking of life, Being able to be here to live it because you were lucky enough to survive.
Taking life for granted is a scary thing to do.
Your backing God in a corner.
Now he's forced to show you.
That this life you are living will be no more.
You will eventually begin to find every door is locked.
Now your backed into the same corner he is.
You will start to feel like your losing it.
These walls are caving in.
Missing something, But what exactly you don't know.
You lost your faith.
Some how.
There's no light left.
Just an after glow.
Giving you very little time to react.
Do you cripple like a dying flower,
Or take a look inside, Turn you life around, and then continue to make a positive impact.
God didn't make us to be selfish and weak.
That's why the most important gift he gave us was the gift of belief.
When you believe, It opens your lungs making it easier to breath.
No more buckled knees.
No more drugs constantly running through your system.
Allowing you to cope in an un natural way.
No more loved ones with no words left to say.
Let go and let god.
When he forces a collision.
Trust and believe he has good reasons.