They Say Love Fills The Heart But Destroys The Brain 7/17

I'm embarrassed to still have feelings for you.
I'm trying my hardest to forget it.
Forget you.
Trying to remember to forget.
It's so hard to.
When looking at our daughter,
It's almost as if you are looking back at me.
The exact same eyes.
With the same intensity.
Melting me instantly.
Disabling my mind.
I can only feel with my soul.
So deeply.
I like to refer to Alice,
And that famous rabbit hole.
Tumbling in wonder.
Before I even know it.
Confused.
A little frightened.
Intrigued.
Eager to explore.
I take off running into the forest.
Happily.
Excited.
And scared.
Butterflies.
In thousands.
I always love people who cannot love me.
Feels as if I'm forever dreaming.
As if this world,
Of wonderland,
Is foreign.
It doesn't feel like home.
I can't seem to find too many "good ones."
Male or female.
Doesn't seem to make a difference.
When I start thinking of you,
I'm forced to think of these things.
The things that I'm so obviously missing.
Answers.
As to why everything ends.
Is it my problem?
Or yours?
You cannot generalize such a thing.
Everyone is different.
But I'm tired.
Tired of breaking through arms,
With all I have to give.
Red rover,
Red rover,
Lia is tired,
And can no longer come over.
Tired is an understatement.
I'm fully exhausted.
Impatient.
Angry.
Frustrated.
With a glass that's half empty.
But because you left.
Left me to be on my own with two children.
To be their only guide.
To be the positive influence.
To be a hero.
Who kills the spiders.
Like I'm super human.
To be the teacher,
Dishing out my own homework.
The nurse when it's winter,
Or an average day at kindergarten.
To be the chef.
Who has no choice but to be crafty,
Because there's never too much money.
The unpaid maid.
I am the gardener.
In every sense.
Covered in hard work.
To be the grace.
To be the consistency.
The stability.
The encouragement.
The builder of the unimaginable.
The builder of trust.
The one who doesn't have the option of giving up.
I couldn't walk away,
Even when I was desperate too.
I still can't walk away.
No matter how much I should.
You damaged me greatly.
Still do daily.
And here I am,
Still being the one to do the saving.
I cannot do it anymore.
You left me with nothing.
Feels like you took me with you whether or not if I wanted you to.
I'm over it.
Earn your own wings.
Pack your own parachute.
Be brave.
While your back is slowly breaking.
Be brave.
When you're shoved unexpectedly from behind.
Forced to free fall from 12,000 feet above.
Without even enough time for a proper sky diving lesson.
I'm not strapped to nobody's chest.
Unlike you.
Now all I see is red.
When the view should be blue.
I'm angry.
And have every right to be.
Because I do love you,
I can't even speak again,
Of the truly awful things you did to me.
That we both know of.
And wish we didn't.
So much shame.
I know you're not proud of them.
I will try not to rub them in.
Without even realizing it,
I display time and time again,
Of what a decent human being is.
Compared to you.
I only compare in the first place,
Because that's what you would do.
So you understand,
Because image is most important.
When all you have to do is just care.
About more than yourself.
It's really that simple.
People will say they do,
That they love you,
But when their words don't match their actions,
All of the sudden you're the "crazy" one,
Because you noticed it.
Right?
Strange how love works sometimes.
Your heart starts making decisions for you,
Then you go scrambling to catch up with them.
To keep up.
And not become lost.
When it has had a running head start from the very beginning,
Chances are,
No matter how fast you run,
You're coming in last place.
Because there wasn't enough balance.
Not enough give and take.
One got too greedy,
The other got needy,
And so they took off running.
Opposite directions.
You lost from the very beginning.
Before you ever even started.
But you were unaware of it.
So you just kept on running.
Racing.
Free falling.
Until your lungs were burning.
Side aching.
You want to stop so bad.
But your ego won't let you.
So you kept on going.
Even while feeling defeated.
Even knowing your chances of "winning."
You persevere,
You stay strong,
Refusing to give up.
You repeat to yourself,
That you're going to finish what you started.
That's what my mother taught me.
She didn't raise a quitter.
Maybe we can fix each other?
Being so desperate,
Will make you think of stupid things.
And the power of love?
Well that's a whole different story.
A very long one.
It's fair to say that yes.
LOVE IS BLIND.
Blind as a bat.
Love is careless.
Ironic isn't it?
Like it's own force of energy.
Has no care in the world,
Whether your coming, going, staying, or leaving.
Constantly coming back around.
Ive always disliked Mary go rounds.
Makes me feel sick.
Spinning round and round and round again.
Exactly why when I start reminiscing over the feelings I still have for you,
I'm going to choose to remember to think about all that I have been through with you.
Not just the beautiful parts.
This is not a time for selective memory.
Moving on isn't easy.
Especially when you never wanted to.
Or expected that you would have to.
I'm beyond angry with you.
And anger is another thing foreign to me.
I'm not even sure what to do with it.
Feels so wrong,
That it makes me want to conceal and hide it.
I cannot cleanse my soul,
Of this filth,
The only way I know how.
Because the things that happened,
Feel like they should be buried and hidden like a crime.
Spending the rest of your days on edge.
Hoping you don't get caught.
Or give some sort of clue.
I want to climb to the top of the moon,
And scream your name.
Just to even see if you look.
Oblivious.
Yet intentional.
Controlling.
Yet not a care in the world.
A man of God,
Who kisses married women.
A womanizer.
I used to think chameleons were cool.
You change the beauty I see in this world.
I have to fight it every day.
In every moment.
To not be that monster we created.
You couldn't be man enough to just admit it.
admit that truly didn't love me.
Love doesn't hurt like that.
So take them back.
Every single lie of "I love you's."
This nightmare feels as if it's never going to end.
My heart just started beating faster.
My eyes are filling up fast.
Which is a good sign that I'm finally getting some of it out.
This poisonous,
Heart wrenching pain.
The only person I have ever truly loved,
Was unable to love me in return.
He walked away from all three of us on May 22nd, 2017 @ 7 A.M. in the morning.
Woke up to a bag packed.
Asked me to come with him.
Knowing I wouldn't.
We already had that discussion.
Said he was going to go with or without us.
Life left my body.
Love left my soul.
Hollow.
I will be praying the price for an entire lifetime.
But rather than let it destroy me,
Rather than choose to think that we are victims,
I will choose to turn a tragedy,
Into a story of triumph.
With the help from God.
I will choose to share this testimony,
Of one of the hardest days of my life.

Break the Chains; Love the Enemy 6/17

Been doing a whole lot of thinking.
And feeling.
It's exhausting.
I want to escape my own skin.
The only way I've ever known how to do it,
Is by pouring it all out right here.
In writing.
In poetry.
In song.
Lately,
It's the last thing I want to do.
Is face these feelings.
I know it's better sooner than later.
But I almost can't bear it.
The pain that is.
Which creates a feeling of panic.
Anxiety.
Because then I want to.
I need to.
I can't run this time.
It's like I have been bound.
Glued to the wet pavement.
No matter how much I silently scream.
There's no freedom.
So I know it's time.
I don't even know where to begin.
So much has happened.
In such a short amount of time.
So much awful shit,
That it's really hard to even write about it.
That's a first.
But here goes nothing,
Considering I don't got much to lose at this point.
My self worth is already at an all time low.
You couldn't hurt me with your judgment,
Anymore than what has already been done.
It came from a man that I deeply loved.
Who was too much of a coward to love me.
He would tell the entire world he did.
Does and still does,
Even if it's untrue.
That's the kind of man he is.
He would likely make you believe he actually does.
But let me tell you about that "love".
He never would.
He can't seem to tell the truth.
Let me tell you what happened behind closed doors.
I couldn't see it when I was getting up from the floor.
I couldn't see it through my own front door.
I couldn't see it through never ending tears.
I couldn't see it even in the operating room,
While giving birth to his child by c-section.
We left 48 hours later at his request.
I couldn't see it when looking into a mirror.
I could only see the thing's he called me.
I couldn't see it,
Because I couldn't see him.
He kept his true identity hidden from me.
Until it was too late to leave.
I had life,
That we created,
Growing inside of me.
I resented him for it.
For lying and deceiving me.
I felt tricked quickly.
Right from the beginning,
None of it mattered to him.
And because I truly loved this person,
In unconditional ways,
I couldn't see any of it.
I choose not to.
Only looking for the good.
That I still have yet to find.
Feels like a blur.
Like a surreal,
Outer body experience.
I couldn't see until it was over,
That's just a way victims cope with abuse.
I disassociated with myself to survive it.
To survive ever body battering beating.
I would think,
Light as a feather.
Float on your back on water.
How long can you hold your breath under water?
I would drift to another place.
Until it was over.
The morning would come,
And it would be dealt with as if it never even happened.
Just pushing forward.
Maybe we felt like that was our only option.
A whole lot of misplaced emotions.
There was never an apology.
Never will be.
Because it was always my fault.
Not Facebook appropriate?
Never mind that.
It could be life saving.
I'll keep going.
Even though I'm desperate to stop.
It's beyond time,
To turn around and face this monster.
The monster he created inside of me,
And fed daily.
That would likely be his reasoning for it too.
Body shaming was the hardest.
I've always been a little insecure.
I went through way too much in my younger years.
I clearly got some issues.
That I do not hide or deny.
In fact,
I put them on display.
The difference;
He knew exactly what he was getting into to.
Thanked me for being so honest too.
I never thought I would be exploited for it.
Used.
Manipulated.
And abused.
His biggest mistake,
Was thinking that I am weak.
Guess he should have taken more time getting to know me.
Guess I could take that advice too.
I can feel myself getting angry.
Breathe Lia.....
It's over.
But it's not.
And never will be.
He gave me a long list of lifetime shit to deal with.
More to overcome.
I will choose not to hate him.
Because these things just make you better.
Stronger.
Wiser.
Right?
I'm struggling where to place this anger,
Or how to deal with it.
I want it out of me.
Makes me feel hateful and ugly.
So here I sit,
Sorting through all of it.
Alone.
Waiting on a therapist.
With no answers that will ever make any of it make any sense.
The only ones to offer,
I can learn from google.
My girls are comforting.
So is the sunshine.
My family.
My loved ones.
I feel like I failed them.
The day I let them go to bed every night thinking it may be the last time they would see me.
I didn't know what that felt like,
Until after I left.
That's when the fear really sets in.
The flight or fight response.
On overdrive.
When they've realized they have lost complete control.
I spend every day,
Not knowing what to expect.
Looking over my shoulder.
In constant anxiety filled wonder.
Like when you've swatted a bee.
Did nothing but mange to piss him off.
Am I going to die?
Or am I going to live?
Is he even capable of it?
Was he capable of the rest of it?
I have no answers.
Your guess is as good as mine.
be very careful who you let in.
No matter how smart,
Clever,
Witty and intelligent you think you are,
Remember that they arrive in perfect packages.
I'm scared of everybody.
Not easy to get to.
And he succeeded in it somehow.
Remember that when first falling in love,
You're stupid.
With pheromones and endorphins raging through your bodies.
Take time.
Lots of time.
Especially when it involves children.
She never seen it.
And Izzabelle won't remember.
Thank God.
But she surely felt it.
I know they both felt my pain.
Izzabelle,
Even while I was pregnant.
That's an assault 4 charge.
She can't handle anyone raising their voices.
Jocelyn asks me when she can hear his again.
I hurt her too.
When I forgot to be a mother first.
I was too busy falling in sick love.
Planning a future,
With a partial human.
I believed I just met my husband.
How could I be so wrong?
So unlike me.
Which shows how manipulative it really is.
I should have seen the red flags.
I did.
But chose to look past them.
I let every word,
Every lie,
And manipulation,
Penetrate my entire soul.
He was supposedly a man of God,
So I gladly soaked in his holy water.
Like a bath of acid.
That's how it felt.
In seconds,
My skin was melted.
Stripped me down to bones.
Suddenly,
And very suddenly,
I was unrecognizable.
To anyone who knew me.
As if the life had been drained right out of me.
That's exactly how it felt.
So dark.
No light.
No love.
Hiding it wasn't easy.
Especially when you knew you weren't actually hiding anything at all.
It was apparent for all to see.
Unhappiness,
Sadness,
Depression,
Sending out magnetic waves,
Despite the masks we were wearing,
Of despair.
Hopelessness.
Heart ache.
It's like Lucifer was crawling up from the basement.
I truly believe,
Even in this moment,
He's likely sleeping peacefully.
Unaware and unapologetic for the pain he causes.
Unable to take accountability and suffering from narcissistic behavior disorder.
We are all fragile humans.
Again,
I won't hate him.
He was unfortunately taught this way by his own childhood experiences.
I know he occasionally hurts too.
Just in different ways than I do.
Maybe one day,
He will admit he was wrong.
And stop there.
I doubt it.
I will never forget,
How every single I love you that he gave me,
Was followed by a "but".
I never spoke to him about that much.
But I noticed it every single time.
It arrived in the form of emotionally throwing knives.
I loved him despite the never ending "but".
I forgave him,
And was able to still love him every single time.
For all of it.
Continuously,
Had to practice the art of forgiving.
The other women,
The abusiveness of every kind.
The lock on his phone.
Blocking the mother of his child from his Facebook.
The admissions of going to bed just so he didn't have to spend time with me.
So hurtful.
Confusing.
When seconds after these moments,
I would make sure I believed that he did in fact love me.
Falling asleep mid sentence,
Or while I am crying.
Leaving when I needed him the most.
More than one time.
Or the questions,
My abuser,
Got to ask me in court.
This Sunday is coming quick.
I'm not ready.
I cannot control any of it.
It's in God's hands.
And always has been.
Every time I asked for answers,
for the truth,
He delivered it.
I just didn't want to see and believe it.
Straight denial.
The effects of abuse in full force.
Until one morning I woke up to him leaving me.
Us.
And it was the best thing he could have ever done for us.
I see that now.
Still hurts though.
I won't run.
No matter how badly I want to.
I'm going to stay right here.
And pray.
Pray that He will continue to take my hand,
And lead me.
Down the right paths.
Occasionally taking a left turn.
Because I'm refusing to learn or listen.
I walk down that dead end,
Until I'm sick and tired of experiencing it.
Until I'm ready for new sightings and new beginning's.
Until I'm so frustrated,
And disappointed,
That I gladly choose to follow Him.
Because when I do,
I not only find light,
I find rainbows,
Blue skies,
Pots of gold.
The pots aren't full of gold.
They are full of unconditional love.
I find the most indescribable acceptance.
Balance.
Appreciation and hope.
When you find yourself questioning Him,
Wait until all you have left is a prayer.
Wait until you're fighting to survive.
Begging Him to allow you to breathe.
To have the privilege of living.
Because you know he's not going to stop.
The more you plead,
Scream,
Cry,
The longer it lasts.
And you're running out of air quickly.
When light fades to darkness,
And darkness turns to light again,
You'll see Him.
You'd be a fool not to.
You'll never forget it.
Suddenly all of this hurtful bullshit doesn't hurt as much.
Because you know that at the end of every single day,
You are eternally greatly loved.
Got so caught up in a sick love,
That I forgot about what is most important.
That will never be between a man and a woman for me.
There's so much more to life than that to me.
Love on earth,
Is subject to change.
I no longer want anything to do with self serving love.
I'm thankful for all of it.
Believe it or not.
But I will be forever picky,
About who I let in,
For good reason.
Patterns repeat until you're ready to break them.
No more self sabotaging.
No more self hate.
No more never ending criticism.
I'm going to choose,
To begin to find love for myself again.
Love for life.
Love for human nature.
Love...... for the enemy.
Thank you for letting go.
Even though you think you love me.


*And a special thank you to J. Cole,
For helping me through it.
Music is everything.

Justified Anger 1/17

I get told on a daily basis that I'm a miserable person.
And the truth is,
That they're right.
I am.
But after speaking such a powerful statement,
Do you even wonder why?
or do you just judge me for it?
I almost killed myself,
Just to see the glass that's half full.
I was on cloud 9 when I discovered it.
But my true self slowly started creeping in.
Reminding me to never become too happy.
Because theres too much heartache, pain, and war in this world,
For that to be ok.
So I blow the walls out of this box.
The four sides dropped.
And what I was standing in the middle of,
Was chaos.
Absolute pandemonium.
So many atrocities,
That running for the hills was my first instinct.
I wanted to hide.
I was desperate to get away.
Until i discovered my purpose,
Was to be in the middle of it.
Painfully finding my way through it,
While helping others up along the way.
Why?
Because I know how badly it hurts to feel broken and scared.
But as I'm stumbling through it,
Bleeding from every orifice,
I'm feeling angrier by the second.
How does it even come to this?
One single apple can really spoil the whole bunch huh?
Where did we go so wrong?
We should have never planted feet on ancient burial grounds.
We have never taken what was not ours.
We should not have hurt people,
To get head ourselves.
There's karmic consequence's.
The universe is real.
Its vast.
Its smarter than you are.
Or I.
So lets be honest.
Theres no way we are just going to get out of it.
we have to fix the karmic order.
Creating more good than we do bad.
So here I am.
Sitting on the pendulum swing.
Wasting my time trying to find a balance.
There isn't one.
Because the bad in this world,
Out weighs the good.
I did that whole find the silver lining,
And look at the cup half full too.
But that's part of the problem.
IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS.
You should be ashamed of such a selfish statement.
Theres children starving.
Sex trafficking.
And people have the right to say slavery was so many years ago?
Fools.
In this case,
It doesn't even have anything to do with color!
Just people using people for profit.
The worst part isn't even the human being capable of doing that to another human being.
Its the people who are buying them.
And right around this time,
Is when I feel like screaming.
Because someone is wondering why I'm not smiling.
Because I'm not like you.
That's why.
Because I cant forget.
I cant not acknowledge those people who are begging for us to find them.
I cant put myself first,
While telling myself its none of my concern.
Theres nothing I can do.
Yes there is!!!!!
SPEAK UP FOR THEM.
Talk about things that matter.
No offense,
But we aren't that important.
Our petty little wants,
Are pathetic compared to the kid who just wants to eat after 14 days.
45 minute showers,
Water straight down the drain.
When theres a child walking on average 4-6 miles in West Africa just to obtain a drop of it.
I cant go about my daily routines,
Without thinking of these things.
Wasteful.
Don't even get me started.
Because sadly this is already too long of a read,
For the average lazy American.
I was raised in a country,
Where a women's worth,
Is based off of her outward beauty.
If shes attractive,
She'll have better opportunity.
For everything.
Raised in a country,
Where finding a decent man,
Is a chance one in a million.
Absent fathers.
And over worked single mothers.
Our government,
Uses us.
Instead of caring about us.
The vales are everywhere.
The manipulation is intense.
And because I'm affected by injustices,
I'm told I have a mental illness.
Is my frustration making any sense yet?
Does my anger have a purpose?
Why isn't all of this common?
Why am I considered to be so "different"?
Its simple.
Because I care about all the things I was never suppose to never care about.
I'm the governments exception.
The plan didn't work for some.
Because they grew up without money.
They grew up without television,
Toys and candy.
They couldn't afford the sugar.
The well thought out manipulation didn't work in my case.
I stayed up late.
Reading the only books I had.
Encyclopedias.
Learning about the world.
I was overly curious.
With so many questions.
From the first memories I had,
They were questions.
Starting with,
Why God?
Why did you create me,
Just to hurt me?
He didn't.
He created me this way on purpose,
And sent me here for a reason.
To fight.
I'm suppose to fight for what isn't right.
I'm suppose to care about my neighbors.
Help them.
I'm suppose to grow ten thousand limbs to extend.
I live on planet earth.
Not in a country or on a single continent.
I didn't divide into multiple cells,
Outgrowing the womb,
Born into this,
Just to give up.
To give up when I think I'm satisfied with what I've got.
because there's billion who have been left behind or forgotten.
So please.
Tell me again how miserable I am.
Ready, set, go.
And I will waste no time shredding your ego.
I accept people for who they are.
But that doesn't mean I need to tolerate or associate with it.
There's too much suffering in this world,
To spend my time convincing myself what I can be happy.
Without doing what my heart screams at me that I should be doing.
So I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.
I cannot care what you think of me.
You have the right to remain on cloud 9.
Just don't hate me for wanting to be down here on earth,
Fulfilling my purpose.
I'm angriest,
Because I know I have no choice but to endure it until my time ends.
Existing in a very sick world.
Its hard to be a good girl.
The real question though is,
How can YOU feel so happy?