Forbidden Love 7/14

I hear you screaming my name.
So I turn around to see your face.
You're nothing of which I envisioned.
Everything about you,
Is just so different.
I cant comprehend it.
It doesn't makes sense.
Never has.
And likely never will.
I'm tired of holding it in.
I'm tired of concealing it.
Afraid of revival.
Constant fear.
Coming back from the dead.
Turning around was something I dreaded.
Knowing that happiness,
Is about life choices,
I'm still not sure that I should listen to these voices.
Confusion can be compared to delusion.
Its all one big mess.
One big maze.
With the ending destination,
Always being your face.
Every time I leave,
I miss this place.
And every time I return,
I'm reminded of why I left.
So why do I return?
Its as if I love the burn.
The intense passion and desire.
That I cant seem to find anywhere else.
But the one place I shouldn't.
At times, Its like Its a problem of dependency.
Of someone who I shouldn't even trust.
At one point being as close as family.
This fantasy stole my dignity.
The lack of honesty has left me blinded.
The memory is like a melody.
So beautifully painful that I cannot forget it.
The entire 17 year experience was like years to achieve a PH. D. in psychology.
Like I'm a prodigy.
Received so much information from one person that it changed my common sense.
My ending.
Every failed strategy,
Is woven into this huge colorful tapestry.
In dwelling in the sympathy for myself from my own life lost,
I achieved victory.
As complicated as its always been,
Its my classroom.
The brutality and the complexities,
Created such an incredibly beautiful thing.
Soul mates can travel as far as they would like,
But no matter what they will come back into your life.
Time and time again.
But here's where there comes the complications.
Lovers can be mistaken for friends.
And friends mistaken for lovers.
Appreciate the annoyance.
Because before you know it,
It will all be over.
Your entire life that is.
Its about the journey.
Not the destination.
But in the frustration,
You may begin to lose yourself.
Just as I had done.
Likely because of what this journey has made you become.
A piece of Mosaic art.
Fragile glass.
That's been shattered apart.
Or like the Mona Lisa.
So many years,
Love, and effort put into one single piece of art.
Irreplaceable.
So live your life like you're officially unsavable.
Face the inevitable.
Your time will run out.
Don't spend too much time on doubts.
Fly.
Fall.
Sprint.
Run.
Don't give into ultimatums.
Feel liberated.
Feel free.
Because you are.
I had to walk out of hell,
To see the stars.
You should see them.
Such a beautiful light that they create the feeling of freedom.
Love between two people,
Is such a small part of life.
If husbands and wives,
Truly loved each other,
Or anybody else for that matter,
Cut the strings.
Embrace the fall.
Let them be free.
Because that's what we were born to be.
Although you make have hurt me,
You gave me the most priceless gift.
The freedom to be nothing but me.
Even if I am crazy.
You love me anyway.
Thank you forbidden love.
 

Advice For Lies 7/14

I look around.
And what I see is terrifying.
To say the least.
Watching what you love most be destroyed,
With no relief.
It's heartbreaking to see.
I want to scream.
To run.
Fly.
Anything but die.
When you suddenly realize,
You have no choice,
No voice,
It makes you want to go crazy.
The truth and whats right,
Is clearly distorted in this moment.
This moment of anger and sadness.
This life is madness.
Some say its what you make it.
And I do believe that to be true.
But let me ask you,
If you whole heartedly believe that to be true?
I'm not so sure.
Because in that case,
I cant even handle the reflection in my mirror.
Fully knowing these things are happening in the world we live in.
The world where we raise our children.
And I'm asked to let go of what I cant change.
To feel blessed.
Not complain.
Remember that I'm not in control.
There's only one man with that role.
But even if you are religious,
Don't you believe he wants you to use your capabilities?
To change and save lives with every waking moment of ours.
I believe love was intended to be so much more than one or two doors.
More than between children.
Friends.
Family.
Or even lovers.
It was meant to be like a pool cover.
Protecting this holy water.
From being contaminated.
or tainted.
Dirty.
With hypocrisy and hatred filled theories.
From jealousy.
Envy.
Greed.
Mystery.
It was meant to be given in abundance.
To take advantage of every chance you get.
You're walking a fine line when you confuse loyalty for another,
of robbing yourself of freedom.
Sure you could do it together.
But most relationships are intended to smoother.
Because we are broken people.
I'm hoping you have my missing pieces.
But what I'm missing,
And you as well,
Is that we will never find those pieces in the depths of hell.
In the depths of each other.
You must be brave enough to love yourself.
Before anyone else.
Follow the bells.
The chimes in your head.
All day and all night long.
Like they are trying to forcibly make you memorize this song.
I think he wants us to get lost.
Looking around again,
I've never been more convinced of that statement.
We are simply human.
Created to be flawed.
Make mistakes.
And learn how to solve them.
The true testament,
Is how you choose to do that.
With your heart or a bobcat.
We are all children from somewhere.
So get out of my hair.
I can feel an atheist,
Slowly getting heated.
Because I'm talking about something they don't understand.
Something they chose not to believe in for whatever their reason.
That's ok with me.
You have your own journey.
But don't step on my path with muddy shoes.
I'm only speaking of the things god tried to show you,
But you felt like you already knew.
If it bothers you,
That's your own problem.
My right of freedom,
Is exactly why I wrote this.
I just watched a video on Facebook,
That made me sick.
Police men,
Abusing their privileges.
Their honor.
Their oath.
Instead a drunk women gets beaten in the throat.
Pulled to her feet by her hair.
There was more than one police officer standing there.
These things are happening everywhere.
And I'm asked to sit on my hands.
Shut up and vote.
I'm asked to not use my voice.
To sit down.
Intimidation and fear tactics are being practiced.
To make sure the black sheep doesn't ruin all this hard work of manipulation.
Must be exhausting.
Trying to hide the lies.
Its no wonder they brought in fluoride.
Adding it to city drinking water.
Making sure we vote first.
To make us believe we had a choice.
Using it in prison camps for control.
Its 2014 now.
We have no idea the things that are about to unfold.
Who am I kidding!
They are already happening.
Its hard to lay down each night, and pray to the sky.
Only hoping that everything will be alright.
Why most don't take action,
Blows my mind.
That's why I sit here,
Time after time,
And feel more alone than I ever have.
I cant change that I'm different.
I can never go back.
And I don't want to.
I would only hope to spark another train of thought in you.
Never doing that,
If I didn't think it was beautiful.
I pray to not be alone in this world.
And I know I'm not now.
I found him.
Some how.
Maybe because I desperately want him to be there.
I desperately hope that there is something more.
Because of this,
I live in mansions.
With hundreds of doors.
I find stair cases,
Equivalent to heaven when walking these floors.
These outdoor over grown paths.
Filled with sunflowers and laughter.
Although I might be a disaster,
And never find my happily ever after,
Even if this world never changes before my time is over,
You should know like I do,
That my body may dissipate,
But my soul with forever remain.
And because of this,
Life is so much more than names.
Faces.
Poverty.
Corruptions.
Manipulations.
Alters.
My absent fathers.
Life is about love.
Above all else.
And I will never allow myself to be crippled by somebody else.

 

Retarded Hearts 7/18/14

Internally screaming.
And leaping.
To places beyond this reality.
Places that risk fatality.
Maybe to feel fully alive.
I have no idea why.
In this very moment,
I'm breaking down.

Falling apart.
My heart is pouring out of my eyes.
In my chest,
I feel like I'm going to die.
Broken heart.
Or a heart attack.
Again.
I have no idea why.
All I know is that I want to take it back.
All of it.
Every single second.
None of it makes sense.
And never will.
It destroys my free will.
It creates a monster that wants to kill.
Metaphorically speaking.
But does it really matter.
When your life is this much of a disaster.
Where are the happily ever after's.
I only see them in pictures.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of being mistreated.
My heart and the bible tell me to continue.
To keep going.
To be the person I truly am.
But how is this possible when I'm being driven insane.
By people who only use their brains.
Their compassion and their heart have been torn apart.
Shredded.
Its gone.
Its dead.
I get a lot of finger pointed at my face.
At my character.
With labels like slut and crazy.
But how can this be.
When a lack of empathy,
Also compassion is a psychopath by definition.
And I'm the one who's crazy?
What is happening.
There's a saying.
"Its happening around you. Not to you."
I'm finding that hard to be true.
Why do people deliberately hurt you.
Why are the biggest hearts,
The ones to always be screwed.
Where's the incentive.
I'm losing my patients.
I'm losing control.
I never wanted it to begin with.
Free falling is where I belong.
Not trapped in a stall.
Caged like an animal.
Being whipped and tamed.
All for ones entertainment.
I'm angry.
And I have every right to be.
With nowhere else to turn,
I turn to ink.
To pen.
To paper.
I turn to words.
To sort through this massive blur.
I cant see.
Its burning my eyes.
And my heart feels like its slowly dying.
I cant find a reason to keep believing.
Because people keep stealing these reasons.
One would ask,
Why do you let them?
Why do you allow it?
Well the answer to that,
You wouldn't even believe.
This different reality,
This false one,
Brain washed the fuck out of me.
Stockholm syndrome.
A kidnapped victim.
Made to believe that her capture cared for her.
That he actually loved her.
When in fact,
It was a sick individual.
Who kept you chained to the floor.
For 17 years you dreamed of freedom.
Afraid to leave.
Because you've been made to believe evil things.
Things that one doesn't do to another when they truly love them.
So here I am.
Contemplating.
That word.
Love.
What does it even mean?
I'll never know.
Because you destroyed a little girl.
Physically and emotionally raping her for years.
Filling her with false love.
And false freedom.
Ruining a human being.
Might as well be a murderer.
Because of you,
Ill never be what I should.
And if I even come close,
It will be an absolute miracle.
I will have to fight for it like I'm fighting for my life.
Every single day that I open my eyes.
Some make it very hard.
To not be full of hatred.
They rob you of things that are sacred.
Not everybody is evil.
But I'm getting lost sifting through these people.
These psychopaths.
When it becomes too overwhelming,
I turn to myself.
And start ripping down walls.
I trip myself.
Making me fall.
Maybe today......
I finally learned my lesson after all.