The Middle 3/15

I want to run so far.
Why the fuck wont you let go of me?!
You say you love me,
But then constantly disrespect me.
You say you don't use me,
But we both know that's not true.
Because the minute I get upset,
Not it's your turn to take off and jet.
Instead of comforting me.
No communication.
Alienation.
One minute I'm sky diving,
And the next you jacked my parachute.
Stealing my life line right out from under me.
Treating me like I'm nothing.
This head game is making me angry.
Because I loved you.
Still do.
Even when you didn't love me.
Accepting all the shitty things about you.
Never using super glue.
Never trying to change you.
Never abandoning you.
In all the times you said,
I need you...
I came running like a true friend.
A friend before lover's.
Because what happens under the covers,
Is never what's most important.
Intimacy is sacred to me.
Clearly not you with one look at these bitches.
Or girls you could say.
Does it even matter their age.
Like you said,
There's nothing wrong with cougars!
The love you offer,
Is smothered in an unsafe substance.
Unsafe for my heart, soul, and mind.
Making me feel insecure with all these "friends."
Because you can't seem to figure out what's most important.
So here I am.
Saying go ahead.
Have your cake and eat it too.
All I know,
Is that I don't tolerate men like you.
It wont be my cake you're eating.
You may think I need you.
But let's get one thing crystal clear.
I'm a fucking savage warrior.
I've been through more than most of these pussy ass men.
I will never allow another human being to belittle me,
And treat me like they have forgotten my worth.
They always talk about the fish in the sea,
But never the mermaids.
One day,
When it's your heart that's desperately hurting,
I hope you see me smiling.
Not to make it burn,
But so that maybe you'll finally learn your lesson.
For messing with one of the craziest.
The most clinically insane.
The kind that you should run from.
The minute you start mistreating and abusing them.
Taking this unconditional love for granted.
Try to find another like me.
I dare you.
You can take your ego,
And walk away from me without turning around.
I will take my pride,
And walk the other way.
In the opposite direction.
Fuck being friends.
I've seen how that ends.
With girl names....
Bleeeeeep.
It never works for me.
Maybe for you.
Considering there's nothing real about you.
The manipulation used to get exactly what's wanted,
Will forever haunt me.
I almost let it ruin me.
Being so much smarter than this,
I'm still not sure how it even happened.
One minute I'm sailing,
And the next I'm drowning.
My drops if my phone rings.
Triggering the deepest pain.
Terrified of what I am going to see.
Because although I have the strength to endure anything,
Something inside me,
Tells me to look.
To see.
To investigate these feelings.
It's compelling.
Overwhelming.
Whispering in my ear,
It's never over girl.
No matter how desperate I am for it's end.
Something inside says,
Make this shit work.
Love is worth it.
It's not easy.
It's not suppose to be.
So grab my hand and come with me.
Stop wasting time crying.
Forget the genders and names of complete strangers.
Who don't even matter.
And free fall from the sky again.
Having trust this time,
That my parachute is my own,
And will open without problems.
That it won't be stolen.
Believing in dreams.
Sharing happiness like you're a part of a team.
Accepting people as they come.
Flaws and all.
Finding them more beautiful because of it.
Like they are mosaic pieces in a cathedral building.
So priceless.
A best friend to spend your life with.
No games of chess.
No emptiness.
Lost Sunday confessions.
Craziness.
Of only the right kind.
Blessed.
Not stressed.
With the thought of being able to have everything I could ever dream,
I panic all over again.
Over trivial things.
Because when you have something,
You now have something to lose.
Regardless of what YOU choose.
Your heart is placed within someone else's hands.
It's something I'm never ok with.
I like to blame other's,
But I'm the one who ruins my own life.
My own happiness.
I lose me.
My own best friend.
By getting lost in these things and people.
What makes me most happiest,
Is exactly what destroys me every single time.
Trying to save other people's lives.
I think I have finally learned my own lesson,
In all of this;
Fix yourself before trying to fix someone else.
Maybe with individual work,
You can finally meet up again.
Destiny may create a chance.
You run into each other again.
Being two different people.
You meet because of the fray in the middle.
That's what happens,
With broken people....

From Galaxies to Countries 3/15

Is it ever obvious how scared we are to truly live?
We hold on so tightly,
To things that were never meant to be.
Killing ourselves in our minds.
Is it you or is it me?
The problem.
But the real problems are things in our minds.
That our minds would never think of.
That's why random individuals come into our life,
Or simply pass us by.
Making an impact on your life.
Changing you for the better or the worse.
Until we learn the lessons,
The pain happens over and over again.
Like it's a curse.
The only curse is the one you unintentionally placed upon yourself.
You lost the permission to be your true self.
The world.
Society.
People.
Life.
Love.
Makes you question it all.
Changing you like the tides of the ocean in the middle of the night.
Rapidly.
Under the moonlight.
Even in the dark,
There is still this magical glow.
Shadows.
Forcing you to reflect.
As much as you don't want to.
Forgiving isn't easy.
Forgetting is impossible.
We have to discover the things that don't make us feel hollow.
Because the awful truth is,
There is more hate in this world than there is love.
We didn't come here to exist forever.
To be perfect.
To live a fairytale.
I believe we came here for much more.
I believe we came here to feel hurt.
The burn.
The pain.
The purest happiness that exists,
Will arrive when you arrive in your heaven.
When your time is over.
While we are here,
I think its imperative to learn.
That's why we took another turn.
We came back like shooting stars on fire.
To finish the things our souls so irrationally desire.
Upon arrival,
I believe some of those fires are quickly put out.
Even as a child.
You tell me that this invisible being you can't see,
Is my imagination playing tricks on me.
That it's my creativity.
But really,
You're too scared to see,
What's sitting right in front of me.
Digging for explanations to the unexplainable.
To make you feel safer.
To make you feel more comfortable.
 In this land of the never ending universe.
Why?
Because you're scared.
I use to be too.
Until I met one of these random individuals.
Not only colliding like the speed of light,
But constricting my breathing.
Everything is so tight.
Not right.
Wrong.
Until one question,
Changed who I am.
It's so simple now,
That it seems impossible.
It all started with,
Are you happy though?
Like majority of this world,
I smiled,
Laughed,
Nodded my head,
And quickly said yes.
Without truly thinking of the question.
Because my answer wasn't truthful,
It began to bury itself in the deepest parts of me.
Murdering me slowly.
Until the pressure was too much.
It needed to be relieved.
The only way to do so,
Was by being brutally truthful.
Starting with my own soul.
My own self.
Before anything or anyone else.
Nobody else can make you happy.
So here I sat thinking to myself,
"What the hell is wrong with me"?
Why is life so hard.
And why I am I living my worst dreams.
In most waking moments,
I felt like running away.
Never realizing I could never run far enough.
Because you cannot escape yourself.
I had to go back to beginning after that question.
All the way back to my childhood.
Back to that terrified little girl.
With dirty blonde hair.
Dirt under her finger nails.
Lice in her hair.
Cuts covering her body that were put there purposely.
Looking at tattoos on her adult wrists.
Remembering whats underneath them.
Nobody wants to re-live the worst pain you have ever experienced.
But we should also know,
That nothing comes easy or for free.
If it's worth it,
You will have to be hard working.
Killing yourself in different ways,
To try and build character and strength.
Like with any other journey,
It's important to pack the essentials.
The things that will help you survive.
Physically preparing your body.
Your mind.
Creating space in your life.
And just like with an inner journey,
You're going to need things to help you survive.
Occasionally people too.
No matter what this world will tell you.
Or the hundreds of quotes you feel were written for you.
The greatest wisdom,
Comes from learning.
Don't be scared.
Because little do you know,
How much this universe has made sure you will always be cared for.
And loved.
Our intuition tells us there is more.
Because there is.
Why are we so scared?
Believe in magic.
Believe in unicorns.
Capture rainbows and pots of gold,
By abandoning everything you think you know.
Know that you know nothing.
Start free falling.
Flying.
Crying.
Dying.
Either way,
You'll then be fully living.
Completely alive.
I cant take one more day,
Of looking into these individual eyes,
And wanting to cry.
I see the pain.
The confusion.
The frustration.
The lost souls.
I see them everyday.
Because I am one of them.
These words are my way,
Of offering you my hands.
There's nothing more I can give.
Because these our own journey's and lives to live.
Our own choices to make.
So as much as I would love to physically,
Emotionally,
And mentally,
Save every last one of you,
Including myself,
I cant.
Before letting that sadness creep in,
Just as I did,
Realize this;
You are unconditionally loved.
Everything that you are,
Is as perfect as the northern star.
Let them be your guide in life.
It's our home.
It's where we truly belong.
Where we came from.
Come back from.
And where we are going.
There's nothing you could ever do,
To be unworthy,
Of unconditional love.
When you cant find it here down on earth,
Take a deep breath,
Dry your amazing eyes,
That resemble these billions of galaxies,
Have faith,
Believe in more,
And know the depths of all that you are.
Your purpose is to love and be loved.
Be patient.
You will collide with it eventually.
Because it is your destiny.
No matter how much that hurts or scares you.
The minute it arrives,
Bravely let it go.
Don't hold on like you can't live without it.
Don't be scared.
Even when it's lost,
It's only a matter of time,
Before you are colliding with it again while sky diving.