Into The Wild 6/13

Standing in the open.
I can breathe.
I see blue above me.
All around me,
It's green.
So beautiful.
This moment makes it almost seem as if the bad doesn't exist.
It doesn't desperately make me want to search for doors.
For any exit.
I feel peaceful.
I feel sober.
I feel calm and somber.
I smell fire.
I hear water.
Sitting right next to me,
My daughter.
Witnessing this with me.
Appreciating it just the same.
Because the same blood runs through our veins.
I hear birds.
Talking. Chirping. Singing.
In the distance,
I just heard a dog barking.
I like to write about these moments in my life.
As letters.
Even after I die.
I want to be remembered.
Forever.
I want to write more about the good moments in my life.
Instead of the bad.
For when I need to look back.
And then I wont have to without feeling sad.
In these private moments,
These words are all I have.
To keep myself lifted.
To feel like I don't need to depend on another.
When I do,
It always has a way of making me feel smothered.
I want to be alone.
I want to be free.
Like Alexander SuperTramp.
Into the wild is where I need to be.
At peace.
With just the simple beauty.
Without the people that create hardships and struggles in your life.
Northern lights.
Alaskan skies.
The most beautiful place on planet Earth.
And what's the saddest part?
I've never even been.
It's just something I feel so passionately from within.
Maybe because I'm craving oxygen.
It's hard to breathe living in the city.
The sky scrapers that block the sun rise.
The sirens, Trains, And Plains.
Garbage. Trash. Rats.
It makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.
Living an automatic existence.
Is never ok.
Fight the resistence.
Look deep inside and remember what you dreamed of as a child.
Remember playing outside.
In the woods, Filthy city, Or in the wild.
What is the definition of fun, To you?
Play your music loud.
Whether It's country, Rock, Hip hop, Classical, Or the Blues.
It always has a way of bringing out the joy in you.
Think in your head everyday,
That today is your last day to live.
Tomorrow you'll be dead.
It will bring a force from within you didn't even know existed.
You will not only think of how your wallets getting thin.
Cash is what makes this life go so fast.
Slow it down.
One day you're throwing your cap, wearing a gown.
The next you're watching children of your own do the same.
They are leaving you now.
Because they are grown.
And your time is now fastly running out.
You begin a mid life crisis full of doubt.
Before you get to roads that are much more traveled,
Maybe we should all take a look from this world in an opposite position.
Doesn't it seem so shallow?
And lifeless.
Breathless.
Worthless.
Teach your children how life truly should be lived.
Not just when you're a kid.
 

Love Sick 6/13

Love.
What a joke.
Nothing but a loss of control.
Choking you.
Until you puke.
The good moments,
Don't outweigh the pain of the heartache from bad ones.
They leave you feeling completely numb.
Gone.
Hating life.
They put a beautiful ring on your left hand.
Claiming you like property.
As a "Wife".
When most day's are more than a struggle.
The longest strides.
Afraid of liars.
Or the opposite.
Totally innocent.
And naive.
Believing,
In this fairytale ending.
Like Cinderella and her glass slipper.
When in reality It's your night gown and slippers.
Living everyday for everyone but yourself.
Tearing yourself into pieces trying to make it work.
When inside,
You're hiding how much it hurts.
Because you're mom.
There is no one else to lean on.
Having to become a solid rock.
Almost as cold as stone at times.
Just to make it through the struggles in this life.
Where you're trying to be the perfect wife.
The perfect mother.
When you're the one who feels smothered.
Like you're drowning.
And then here comes another prince charming.
Promising promises that were never meant to be kept.
Kissing and cuddling in the morning after you've slept.
Checking in to see how your day is going.
Making you feel as if you matter.
With what they are displaying. Offering. Showing.
And then one day your phone doesn't ring.
Days go by and suddenly you feel an urge to cry.
To question yourself.
To wonder why.
I thought you were a good guy.
They are like one in a million.
Disguised.
Driving Subaru's and Mustangs.
Like white stallions.
Leaving trails of pain everywhere they race.
And then crazy gets thrown in your face.
Whats wrong with you?
Why do you have a heart?
Why do you have feelings?
I thought we meant no strings?
I thought I could use you.
Emotionally abuse you.
Mind fuck you.
Then leave you.
Why is that not ok?
I don't care what you have to say.
It's just me.
My life.
Fuck your feelings right?
No.
Fuck you!
For everything you put girls like me through.
I didn't need to be stuck to you like glue.
I choose to.
Believing in what you were deceiving.
Like a panther stalking the weak.
Like I'm cattle.
Like I'm sheep.
Sometimes even forcefully putting me to sleep.
Like I'm yours to keep.
Like you can do whatever you want with me.
I hate some men at times.
Pigs.
They eat women just as similar as pigs with their food.
No limits.
No standards.
Taking a break after literally getting sick.
I will never again believe in a man.
Or in love.
If I love myself enough,
I will never need it from another.
And I will never again have to feel these feelings.
Or lay underneath a man using me.
Making me feel completely smothered.
I'm stronger than I believe to be.
Because I'm a mother.
I have no choice but to be.
So please,
Painfully watch me walk away and leave.
Leave you,
Standing here like a fool.